For the second time in three days, I've woken up in massive pain. This time, I was laying on my stomach with my arms folded under my head and one arm was completely dead of feeling and the other was hurting so badly. I woke up crying and when I sat up, I couldn't move my arm at all. I just sat there trying to get circulation back into my arm and it took about five minutes before I could even move it. Now I can move it and I've taken my pain pills, just waiting for them to kick in.
I just went outside for a smoke and checked facebook, found out my friend is in labor, which makes me happy for her but jealous at the same time. I'm not even healthy enough yet to get pregnant, let alone have a baby. I'm trying to get into shape but I need this procedure on my back and another few things to do before I'll be ready. Hoping that means by September, I'll be ready... I'm happy for her, I really am, but the jealousy and the baby itch are also equal to my happiness. I wish her all the best, of course. I just wish I was in her shoes instead of mine.
So 3:30 am and my arms hurt, my shoulders hurt and none of my muscles hurt which means that it's not from my workout. When I workout, it's just to keep my muscles in strength and has nothing to do with helping my body out. But at 110lbs and five 2, you'd think I'd be in perfect shape, which honestly I feel like I am in pretty great shape except for my back and the other things... So damn annoying and makes me feel self-pitiful which I hate. I hate pity and I hate feeling sorry for myself. I like to look at the positive.
So here is the positive, I am married, I have two beautiful kids, I have good friends. I have reconnected with family and old friends. I run a page full of great women. I have a great kitten. A clean house with plenty of food and clothes in my closet. Lots of material possessions I never dreamed I'd own. And so much more.
And sadly, I'd trade almost all of that (except my family, husband and kids included, and friends and RBL) for a body healthy enough to have a baby.
Ugh, there's the self pity...
Love,
For now and forever,
Leah
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