queen of hate

A troubled thought enters my mind as the waves of silence wash over me
A brief reminder of the bitterness between us,
The True bond, never fully formed, wasn't merely broken, but beaten into submission
Your lies flow so smoothly accross your poisonous tongue
but your voice betrays every word you say, the venom soaking through
The influence you shed is so toxic, and your hate is so cruel
Your cold indifference displays the extremes of your selfish nature
No more excuses, no more pretending, the symptoms are just too clear
You are a disease, spreading misery to everyone around you
For my own protection, the sacredness of my soul,
I cut the ties that bind us and shield my love from you.
You are the Queen of Hate, but you seem to forget my own claim,
Born of your Hate with the will to love, the Queen of Hearts you made me.
The King of Spades, a glorious mix of Strength and Courage, fuels my purpose
The end of your plague has come and I'll be well on my way.
Goodbye to you, Queen of Hate, mother to my very name...
Remember this sacred truth, when you think of me,
the fault of this does not lay with me, my soul is clear of the blackened taste
There is only one you can blame when your own child kills you from their lives,
I did no wrong, my heart and my head are clear, you are the Cause, the fatal flaw
With this final thought, there is a peace to this silence that surrounds me,
A freedom from the burden I carried for far too long and for far too far.
My Destiny is now mine, glimmering with new hope, with the dazzling shine of Love,
Faith fuels me, confidence builds me and patience carries me through...
Goodbye to you, oh the toxic memories, goodbye to you, burned and buried.

Dear Daddy,

Dear Daddy,

           It's been too long since you've been gone and yet, not very long at all. The sky is blue and righteous in all directions. The day is the perfect day outside. In my mind, I see you standing there, uniform and all, home from a deployment, but this is the longest of all. I know you won't come home this time, I mean you've been gone this long before, but never once was so unending. I really miss you so much, and I can't stop thinking about you. Remember singing "American Soldier?" You held Mom's hand and sang and I remember thinking about that song... "I counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice" Did you know? Did I know? I know now, much more than I knew before. The pressure you were always under, you're ability to carry on.          

          You are my Daddy, my own Hero. I'm so proud to be your daughter, so proud to have your flag. But sometimes I really miss you, like today and yesterday and all the days before. Lately, I don't care about much beyond getting back to a place where men like you are. I support my friends that serve, texting and calling and being their confessor when they need. You taught me more than I can ever fully thank you for. You taught me compassion and empathy, love and hope. You always believed in me and now, I'm taking that to heart, Daddy.

          I am trying really hard to move back. I fill out paperwork and make phone calls and worry that it will take too long. I just don't want to be here anymore. This place is getting old and quite honestly, I don't think anything beyond the beauty could hold me here. I am desperate to get out of this place, even more desperate to get back to where the values you taught me lie.

           I miss you Daddy. I love you always. Just another letter, in memory of you

slumber

Hours pass at midnight in silent secret, actions saved for dark awakenings and nervous needs. Bleeding hands leave a red trail of past shame and unmentioned skeletons. Garbed in black to match thoughts and intentions, to calm these desperate demons that whisper while demand tunnels my nerve to an extent of overloaded constraint and ultimate surrender. spectors bare witness and remind me of nightmarish past remorse in spectacle, held captive, bound by failure and awful reward. I dream of a prison, my gloomy castle, constructed of countelss contrition. Rotting within these walls of my psyche, ghosts to warden and rarely pardon. Escape is elusive. Sleep is quick and unforgiving. The long shadow of tall mistakes.

January 1st, 2010

And my words fall like raindrops, fleeing from the clouded overthought of my mind. Laying scattered on the ground, a million and one mirrors reflecting sight and sound.



My memories dripping like melting ice cream, slipping away under the heat of conscious fricition. The two sides of my mind, spark and ignite, setting alight dense overgrowth.



The charred remains will serve as new fields, to sow and reap healthy development.



Like vultures circling the sky, my thoughts are flying by gaining speed and momentum in one direction, towards me and my... my... my mind is dry, my psyche is thirsty and in between is warm and cold.



Something new and something old.



It's there I can feel it. It's been there all along. Maybe it happened quick and fast, but I can remember it dragging on, now it's there, and try as I may, it's there to stay. Shake and shiver. Twist and quiver, the grasp bares strong.



And now I can't think anymore, there's something wrong.



But let me say that I'm sure to say what I've been saying all along. Maybe you heard everyword but dismissed it long gone. The least to say many a day passed and paused without much though in between the white and the black. I stand blue and forgotten.



Let me be alone for a while