For now and Forever

my love for you will never end

it runs much deeper than a friend

i long to feel your warm embrace...

and to see a smile upon your face

chorus:

so for now and forever i vow to be true

there's no one i could love like you

so for now and forever and a little bit more

this is the love i've been longing for

v2 a love so strong a love so true

a love i could only have for you

this hear that fought not to be broken

is now to you laid wide open

chorus

my heart was a door with no lock and no key

but like a true warrior you've come to save me

you unlocked the door that hid my love

you are a gift from God above

chorus

so for now and forever, til death do us part

for now and forever you'll always have my heart

quotes i love

Be safe, sleep with a Soldier, just not mine ♥

If you think Soldiers are tough, you should see their girls ♥

Dear deployment, you are a cockblocker. I need sex.

I really hate this crap called deployment.

His calls keep me ♥Alive♥

Wake me up when this deployment ends

BACK OFF! I'm taken by a real man. Proud Army Sweetheart ♥

Screw the shining armor. My hero wears combat boots ♥

Half my Heart is in Afghanistan ♥♥♥♥

In my wildest dreams, you always play the hero. In my darkest hour of night, you rescue me, you save me ♥

You are nothing short of my everything ♥

Because I miss you, hearing your voice is the closest thing to touching you ♥
...
I may not get to see you as often as I like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night but deep in my heart I truly know, you're the man that I want and I can't let you go ♥

I wish you were here, but you're not here, you're there and there doesn't know how lucky it is.

Wherever you go I'll be waiting, whenever you call, I'll be there. Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright, you're in my heart here tonight. ♥

Before I sleep and after I wake up and all the hours in between, you occupy my mind... so practically every single moment of the day you are in my thoughts.

The simple lack of you is more to me than the presence of others ♥

Give me more lovin than I've ever had, make it all better when I'm feelin' sad. Tell me I'm special even when I know I'm not, make me feel good when I hurt so bad, barely gettin mad, I'm so glad i found you. I love being around you... Give me more lovin' from the very start, piece me back together when I fall apart. Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends. Make me feel good when I hurt so bad, best that I've had, I'm so glad that I found you. I love being around you. You make it easy, it's easy as one, two, one, two, three, four.

december 7th, 2010

Yesterday I got a letter mailed after the letter I got today... and the letter today, was absolutely the sweetest.

he wrote this: "Whenever I hear or think your name I see a cute little girl who will dance in the street and not care who is watching. I think of someone who has a huge heart, smart mouth, tender touch and sweet kiss. So you are amazing. I am so glad we found each other and we can make each other smile. I miss you, can't wait to talk to you again, or chat with you, something. Next time I see you we will have the longest hug ever. I miss you and really wanna be with you. xxxooo's"

He's everything to me <3

My boyfriend, my soldier, my hero

I am very happy with my life, with most aspects. I have two amazingly beautiful kids, who make every single day an adventure. I am living in upstate New York (during my "deployment") and while my family is great, I'm already anxious to move away, closer to my Hero.

I have an amazing man in my life who is everything I've always wanted in a man. He's funny, brilliant (working on his Masters degree), strong, honorable, charming, kind, generous, caring, handsome, adorable, sweet and romantic. He makes every single day during this deployment easier by letting me know he misses me in little ways and sometimes, not so little ways. He sends me flowers (first, when I was moving from Canada and second, for my birthday), gets me little gifts (for my birthday, he sent me an amazing harddrive that I wanted; a teddy bear with his Engineering symbol on it; and most recently a care package from Afghanistan that had a few shirts, one that said Real Soldier on it, and his PT shirt which smells like him, another teddy bear, stoneware and something that fits my personality). He also supports and encourages every single thing I do. Whenever I have a problem, he wants to help me solve it and doesn't think that I'm over reacting, or if he does, he never says so, he simply says that he's there for me, that I'm strong and I can handle it. He is also so supportive over my plans to start online classes in January.

I am switching apartments in the next few days and I'm so glad to do it. There's way too much drama living in this place, since my mother's boyfriend is my landlord, so switching is the best way to ease that up in my life. I have applied for scholarships and grants for school and am pretty sure that I'm starting in January. It's the perfect plan. I'm so excited and to have someone who cares about me so much, supporting my every move. I am head over heals for Steve, my Captain. He's my number one fan and I'm his. We're perfect for each other and I'll never get over him. <3 He's my everything.

Lily and Jax are getting big. Jax is so tall and really not fat as much as he is just bigger. Whenever we go out, people ask if they are twins and can hardly believe that Jax is the youngest of them. It's really sweet and cute actually. I am absolutely crazy about my Babies and will never give them up for the world. They are my angels. <3

So r&r is less than a month and a half away... I'm so excited to see him again. We have plans to do some things together outside but I have a feeling most of our days will be spent curled up next to each other, hearing his heart beat, smelling him, feeling his arms wrapped around me. Getting new pictures... saying three little words that both of us don't want to say over the phone or online.

We have a skype date later <3

He's my absolute Hero <3

the military brat ... :)

• Actually like the clothes at the PX and don't mind that 100 other people are wearing the same thing.
• All your former very best friends are as long gone as your last move.
• Always wish you were back at the last place you were stationed even 20 years later.
• Answer the question "where are you from" with "I'm kinda from all over the place"
• Are able to imitate others speech patterns easily
• Are amazed at people who have lived somewhere more than three years.
• Are amazed at people who have never left their hometown.
• Are amazed at people who have never seen foreign currency.
• Are amazed at people who think Frankfurt is a some kind of hotdog.
• Are asked "where did you learn to speak English so well"
• Are asked is it hard always moving around when you don't know anything else.
• Are brought to tears by military music.
• Are going to a grocery store but call it a commissary.
• Are initially confused when asked where are you from but quickly respond "everywhere!"
• At 22 you are trying to find someone in the military to marry so you can get a new ID card.
• Avoid visiting the doctor because you don't trust civilian hospitals.
• Bagged groceries at the commissary on payday.
• Can ask for a beer in most European languages.
• Can bounce a quarter off your bedsheets and have hospital corners on your bed.
• Can call up actual memories of a country while you're in Geography class.
• Can identify ranks and duty station by the stickers on the car's bumper.
• Can not speak the language of the country in which you were born.
• Can recite all the AFRTS commercials along with the elevision.
• Can remember ordering a Big Mac, fries, and beer.
• Can still convert foreign currency in your head.
• Can talk to anyone and everyone from anywhere and everywhere.
• Can't drink Budweiser without being coerced.
• Do not understand why many of your friends are afraid to be in an airplane.
• Don't feel quite right seeing military personnel younger than you.
• Don't really know how to answer the question "what is your hometown."
• Don't remember the names of your childhood friends.
• Draw a quick map of the world to show someone where you last lived.
• Ever got sick eating chocolate field rations.
• Every room you've ever had was stark white and you couldn't put nail holes in the walls
• Everyone complains about your name being the most scratched out in their address book.
• Everywhere you go you think you see someone you went yo school with.
• Expect someone else to do your housework but can't afford it.
• Feared turning 21 because they would take your id card away.
• Feel like you should be visiting the states rather than living in them.
• Feel more at home on a military base than in town even though you've been a civilian for 26 years
• Feel more comfortable living near a military base and get bummed out when a base gets closed.
• Felt like a part of history that was happening around you.
• Find that you can easily amuse yourself for hours at airports, train or bus stations.
• Graduated from a high school you only attended for a year.
• Had Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners in a mess hall.
• Have a very best lifelong friend who you have known for less than a few years.
• Have been asked just where in NY is APO.
• Have to explain that being born in Germany does not make you a German.
• Have forgotten how to speak more languages than most people ever learn.
• Have USAA as your insurance company.
• Know exactly how horrible AFN commercials are.
• Knew the rank and name of the kid next door's father before meeting the kid next door.
• Know kilometers better than miles and Celsius better than Fahrenheit.
• Know that Radio Luxembourg was the number one way to keep up with the latest rock and roll hits.
• Know the words and tune to military march songs.
• Know what "the land of the big PX is."
• Know what the "land of the round door knob is."
• Left school frequently for bomb scares.
• Listened to Armed Forces and VOA radio for the 1st 10 years of your life.
• Miss shopping at AAFES or the PX.
• Most of your Scout camping equipment had US instead of BSA stamped on it.
• Munched on hot brotchen and gummies on the way to school.
• Name schools in three countries on two continents when asked what high school you attended.
• Never quite finished decorating your place because you knew you'd be moving soon.
• Notice Tom Cruise in uniform, outside with no hat and having a non-regulation haircut in Top Gun.
• Panic when you can't find you ID or passport.
• Put your hand over your heart at 5 p.m. knowing the flag was coming own ...somewhere.
• Realize that the latest fashion in the states is not the same clothes you bought on base.
• Remember being able to watch the Super Bowl or World Series live on TV at 2 a.m.
• Stand up for the National Anthem at the start of a movie in a theater.
• Thought all pens had "US Government" printed on them.
• Thought that the quartermaster was the real Santa Claus.
• Thought vacations meant going stateside to visit the grandparents.
• Try to take out your ID card when you enter a grocery store.
• Went into hysterics when your grandparents thought of selling their house.
• Wonder if dad signed a hand receipt when you were born.
• You are confused when you fiancee talks about watching trees grow large in front of the house.
• You went on week-long field trips to England, France and Italy.
• You'd been to every Gasthaus in Germany before you were 18.
• Your ssn, home of record, state of residence, and place of birth are far from matching.
• Know PCS meant pack your toys and say see ya later

please....

It will always be

God if you're listening please

Dear God, if you're listenin please

This is me, prayin for him

I'm all right so don't worry 'bout me

My Hero's fighting a fight so far away

I worry each passing day

So God if you're listenin please

This is me prayin for him

Protect him and keep him safe

Never let him feel alone

Grant him peace and remind him

He needs to come home to my loving embrace

Days pass slowly but my prayer never changes

Days and nights pass by

but the clock never seems to fly

I keep prayin

I keep waitin

My love wont ever fade

Just like my prayer it won't change

Dear God if you're listenin please

This is me prayin for him

I'm all right so don't worry about me

My Hero's fightin a fight so far away

Not a moment goes by he's not on my mind

Let him feel my love 'cross miles of ocean and land

I pray for his safe return

Give him the hope and comfort you can

Dear God if you're listenin please

this is me prayin for him

I'm beggin if you hear me

Protect him and grant him peace

Keep him safe 'til he returns to me

Days and nights pass by

but the clock never seems to fly

I keep prayin

I keep waitin

My love won't ever fade

Just like my prayer it won't change

God if you're listenin please

Dear God, just listen to me

This is my only prayer

I'm not prayin for me

I'm beggin if you can hear

Protect him and keep him safe

Bring him home to my lovin embrace

Dear God if you're listenin please

see me down hear on my knees

Dear God, if you hear me

This is me prayin for him

Let him feel my love 'cross miles of ocean and land

Remind him I'm waiting, I'll never stop waiting

Keep him safe til he returns to me.

Dear God, I keep prayin

So if you're listenin please

Keep him safe til he's home with me

Remind him I'm waiting, my love's not fading

Dear God if you're listenin please

This is me prayin for him

I'm beggin if you can hear

This is my only prayer

Lay your head down

Lay your head down, Love

Dream sweetly tonight

I'll watch over you

Til Morning Light

I am mesmorized

Caught under your spell

I adore you more

Than words could tell

I'll protect your heart

with all my might

Lay your weary head down

And dream sweetly tonight

my favorite lines he's ever written

July 1, 2010

"I don't know how effectively I conveyed my thoughts, but you are in my head alot. I love that I have a little part in  you becoming who you really want to be."

July 25, 2010

"I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the point when he made Pearl Harbor and that is an awful lot girl."

Aug 29, 2010

 "I love every letter you write me. Just seeing the letter makes me smile. I miss you and hope I get to talk to you soon."

Sept 4, 2010

"I miss ya, can't wait to hold ya."

Sept 5, 2010

"I wish I could talk to you more and hear about everything in real time... So when all your topsy-turvy moving around ends and you are settled somewhere, where do you want our first get-away to be? Start thinking because there is still alot of the world and U.S. I haven't been yet and we need ideas. I can't wait to see you  and go somewhere with you. Even if it's just a park, because parks have grass and clouds, two things we don't have here. I miss ya, can't wait to hold ya."

Oct 27, 2010

"I think of you often and I can't wait til we see each other again."

Oct 30, 2010

"I think we can be really good for each other for a really long time. I miss holding you, I miss you wanting to be closer to me. I miss just walking around and talking to you. For me, you are the perfect mix of the cute girl, sexy girl, smart girl, shy girl, bold girl, and lady girl. ... You are wonderful, not perfect but perhaps perfect for me. My parents won't approve of you; tattooed catholic girl who wakes me up in the middle of the night... I think you are cute and sexy, but I'm also turned on by how your mind works and the level of common sense you have ... I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your hot little body squirming in my arms. I miss how you taste and smell. All of this will make us seeing each other again that much better."

'Ps. is this all crazy? yep, but normal people's lives suck, I'd rather be crazy."

Nov 10, 2010

"The sexy photo you sent me tonight is up on my laptop monitor. I really want to just pick you up and hold you and kiss every part of you. But I'm stuck here in Afghaniland with a bunch of dudes, definitely my loss."

Nov 15, 2010

"Seeing you last night on Skype was awesome. I went to bed with a smile. :P I just wanted to reach out and touch you or just pull you through the screen into Afghanistan or Jump through to New York. I like the hair brunette but you can make it pretty much any color you want. Your goofy smile was beautiful and I loved the way you looked in the tank top. I really wanted to just touch your soft skin and feel your hug" ... "I miss you, I can't wait to see you again. I really want to hold you and just spend time with you talking about whatever stuff. You are incredible and I feel fortunate that you want to be with me. Eventually I'm going to let you down in some way or the Army is going to let us both down but I really hope whatever tough times come we can grow closer and keep this special thing we have going. I miss you."

Nov 24, 2010

"I am the luckiest guy in the world because you don't want an out. I think we are perfect for each other and I hope we never have a fight but if we do we are sooo going to make up after. I miss you to the nth degree as n approaches infinity. Tomorrow is thanksgiving, woot woot. I really do have alot to be thankful for. A girl who calls me hero. A family who loves me. The opportunity to lead American Soldiers. And a girl who can't wait to hold me. ~ I mentioned you twice...... I miss you Babe and need to go to bed. I can't wait to hold you and feel your tight little hug. I feel like we grew together tonight and both became stronger people together. Every problem you ever have, I want to help you solve. And every problem I ever have, I want your input and encouragement. You mean alot to me. I miss you. Your Captain, Steve (even when I am a Major, I want to be your captain."

This is going to be an adventure

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you

missing you hurts

I woke up this morning at around 530. I just couldn't sleep. I guess it's that time of deployment. It's the part where the random tears come and the missing grows stronger. The part where every happy couple I see, I want to punch and make them go away. But it's also the time I start my countdown for r&r. I miss you. I just want you to know that you are the reason for me. The reason I want good in my life, the reason I don't want to let go, no matter how hard this deployment is. I wish we had more realtime romance but I know somehow we'll figure it out....well i gotta go. Miss you... can't wait for your voice.

weeping angel

A broken girl cries out in the night,
A perfect weeping angel if she just had wings.
Betrayed by her reality, alone with her regrets,
She begs the stars for one more moment,
Just long enough to say good-byes,
Tell him that she loved him,
That he was the perfect man,
She never thought he’d go so soon.
A million and one broken dreams,
She’s not sure she’s strong enough.
Tear-stained cheeks and blood-shot eyes,
Weary and worn from so deep a loss,
Her mind clings to long, lost memories,
A little princess and her King,
A montage of the life she used to have.
She curls her knees to her chest,
Hugging her broken heart, afraid to come undone
The night remains still, unforgiving and cold
A broken girl, alone and lonely, cries
A perfect weeping angel if she just had wings.


Miss you daddy.

a few days...

Babe,

It's been a couple days since I heard from you live. I hope I get to hear from you soon. Hope if your "out" you are safe and those marines have your back ;) I miss you. I got your long letter yesterday night and wrote you back this morning. It's really long. Just a warning. And if you weren't warned it means you never read this haha.

Anyways, I am waiting for the cable and phone and internet guy (He's one guy but doing three jobs) He's going to set me up. I cleaned my livingroom and bedroom again. I'd rather have you here so it matters any.

Oh, last night i also got the Hard Corps Shirts that Sean sent to me. I love them! I can't wait til he does the Army version, I think I'll get all the branches, but for now I have the Marines ones, both the female version and the male version. I love the female version. It says "Faithful Always THEY SHALL REMAIN" it looks pretty badass. And the male version says :Hard Corps. Dogs to loose when war is waged. I have some stuff for you to give out in the carepackage coming from Sean. :)

Anyways, I have to go. But I just wanted to update this. I miss you. Call or write soon. xoxox

it's tough

Babe,

I miss you more than ever today, which is a little amusing considering I missed you more than ever yesterday. Bad things happened last night, things I'm feeling guilty for and wishing I could do more. You know what, since I talked to you this morning, but I still wish I could hear your voice instead of facebook chat. I can't hear your comfort over the internet. :'( i miss you so much and last night was so hard to go through. I barely slept at all, but even when I did, I slept with the phone in my arms. I changed my default ringtone to "Lifeline" by Papa roach. "I've been looking for a lifeline for what seems like a lifetime, I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again, looking for a lifeline" I was in so much pain last night, wondering if I'll ever be forgiven, wondering if she'll ever trust me again, but knowing I did the only thing I could, I heard her pleas and knew what she was doing so I did what anyone who has been there should do. I wish you were here. I wish you could hug me and tell me that everything's going to be alright. I wish that i could hear your voice or see your face or something. I just friggin miss you.

Today, as I said, my goal is to do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I plan on laying around, watching my kids make a mess and teaching them to say "Hooah" and "Oorah" and "I love you, Mom". They already managed "Hooah" and "Oorah" and Semper Fi. It's actually really cute to hear Jax yell it. I think "yep, he's going to follow in my family's footsteps. He's going to be like my Dad or Grandfather or brothers. He's going to be amazing." You'd have a laugh because he gets so excited whenever I put on the videos with Soldiers or Marines in it. I asked Lily what she wanted to do when she grows up and she said "Navy" I think  it's from going to the Navy base the other day. She loved the uniforms and kept smiling at them. She's usually so shy in public!

Other than that, I'll probably stalk the mailman. He smiles at me every day and tells me he's sorry when he has nothing. He knows I'm waiting for you. One of my friend joked I am dating the mailman more than you, and I laughed. He's just holding my letters hostage I think, just so he can see me more often ;) just kidding.

Anyways, babe. I can't wait to talk to you later. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox...

btw. I miss you. more than I ever thought possible. Hope you miss me too.

my birthday night

Tonight, thanks to some help, I found a song... it's called come home by one republic, the song on this sites home page. Anyways, I am listening to it on repeat. The words to it remind me of you Hello World, hope you're listening, forgive me if i'm young and speaking out turn, there's someone that i've been missing, I think that they could be the better half of me, they're in the wrong place trying to make it right, but I'm tired of justifying... i say to you come home, come home, cuz i've been waiting for you for so long, for so long, and right now there's a war between vanities but all i see is you and me, the fight for you is all I've ever known, so come home... I get lost in the beauty of everything I see, the world ain't half as bad as they paint it to be, if all the sons and all the daughters stopped to take in well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin, it might start now or maybe i'm just dreaming out loud. but until then come home, come home everything i can't be is everything you should be and that's why i need i need you here, everything i can't be is everything you should be and that's why i need you here...  so hear this now, come home, come home! cuz i've been waiting for you for so long, for so long and right now there's a war between vanities but all i see is you and me, the fight for you is all i've ever known, so come home..." I can't help but think of you and me and thinking that this is the song that reminds me exactly how i'm feeling. I know you could be my better half, you're everything I wish I could be and I need you in my life, i want you here. I know you will come home soon (at least for leave) and I can't wait to be wrapped in your arms, feeling you near to me, so I can stop missing you. If you ever thought missing me was hard, you should try missing you. It's impossibly hard to get through a day lately without wishing with all my heart you were near or that i could talk to you or text you. I never thought I'd feel this again, not really, but there's you, in the wrong place trying to make it right... I miss you... as always, come home to me, safe and sound. xxx, ooo times infinity <3

It's my birthday night and all I keep wishing is that  you were the last voice I heard today. Or that I can stay up long enough for you to come online and make me smile. if I had my way, I could do more than post another entry here. I miss you...

Stay safe, call soon, and come home safe. You're all I'll ever need.

<3 your girl

Fallen

Fallen like a wounded bird
Straight down from the sky
With a broken wing no one sees
Grounded by unseen forces

Shame filled tears cleanse the dirt covered face
as my secret pains stare back at me
shedding light on dark pasages of my mind
a place no one dares to wander

Regretful pain builds my core
Like energy, it keeps me thriving
Like heroine, it keeps me dying
I can't give it up, it's my only thing

Knocked down and beaten back
seen as guilty so they punish the victim
What is the cost to be free?
Blood and tears or more of my soul?
My fire burns despite the pain.

Complicated planning clouds better judgement
Details too small to ever see the castle through the stone
Standing here lost in a flower
the beautiful petals of fantastic dreams
A lovely illusion it would seem
A glorious adventure new to me

I fall asleep, anxious of my nightly travels
Sobs of worry have taken away my strength
and sent me on the bitter-sweet ride
of a clouded subconsious in a turbulent sky

Fallen like a wounded bird
Straight down from the sky
With a broken wing no one sees
Grounded by forces unseen

I woke up with such a fright
My heart beats with a frenzy of soldiers preparing for battle
I gasp, my lungs thirsty for air, burning from fear
All the dreams are broken, all the dreams are dead

I look to the heavens, I look to the skys
Is anyone out there? will anybody listen?
Grant me strength and give me a sign
I need some help to carry me through

Like a miracle, Fate has spun her web
and captured me a gift, a modern-day knight, it seems
I feel renewed, like sunlight hope spreads it's warmth on me
My heart is calmed by its presence
A fresh dream formed by faith and love.

No longer am I a fallen bird
I am again soaring the skieds
My wounds are healing as you can see
Like a flower, all I needed was love.