dear, dear diary

dear, dear diary,my darkened book of blackened scars, the confessor of my sins
inside something has possessed me, there's something burning beneath my skin
In a blind moment of deep clarity, on this cold, autumn midnight,
the ink from my pen flows like an open vein from scars that never heal
the spirals and swirls, the loops and lines, a nearly unbroken journey with myself
stars twinkle in the sky, the same stars I've always known but in places new to me
the cobwebbed patterns of a twisted past repeated, the lifeline holding me together
the winding path of my heart, the fragile stepping stones of my thoughts,
my mind's a mile high in a tattooed dream, exploring a connection in between
a ghost from my past reminds me of who i was before the wreckage of this life
before the story unfolded and all control was lost, a black and white memory
old forgotten photographs gather dust, bleached by the sun, faded by the days
a glimpse of a lost youth and innocence, a recollection of the time before
so much has transformed yet something feels the same, something hasn't changed
staring at the heavens with its legendary heros and kings,
like a child pleading for his mother, my voice calls out to Him,
the warrior of legend, Orion, the heroic lead in my youthful fantasies
instead a face appears in my murky present, an inspired gothic daydream
out of the foggy mirage, a black-cloaked being steps into the pale starlight
Too darkly handsome to deny, a perfect arcane beauty, mysterious and wicked
He's awakened something within me, a notion that led to this introspection
He's a danger that haunts me with the painted mask of a perfect angel
A strong pull on a fragile thread of the bond between us
His eyes, his face, his voice, an dangerously angelic combination
I pray for salvation, a chance for redemption, a sign of something real,
anxious to achieve some meaning, some purpose yet hidden to me
the dark diamond blanket above me offers little comfort or security
the crisp air nips at my exposed skin, my funeral gown offers little warmth
A divine messenger, the reason I needed to believe, to hope again
the past, the future, now, this is some connection, a definate reaction
a thousand miles from where I started, a million miles to my dreams
a light at the end of the tunnel, the meaning of my life, the answer, found
the bells ring, someone has died, somehow I feel more alive
A haunting dream of an archangel, a soldier for the truest love,
I reach out in the dark for understanding, reason for these symptoms
dear, dear diary, companion to my dreams, this window to my heart
with these words, my strength renewed and hope rekindled, I know our bond survives
brief is the life that we live, the time we're allowed to stay,
Undoubtedly I yearn, I hope, I pray for the captivating archaic angel
to return to me, if only in a dream, love and romance me
Close my eyes and feel his wings wrap over me, angel of strength
I shut my precious book, put down my pen, fall asleep to pretend.

This couldn't be real

my father is dead. TSgt Charles Timothy Gose died October 27th, 2009 and he's gone forever :'( My heart is shattered.... Who cares about anything else. His funeral is set for my birthday. Who cares? I lost my Hero.

I love you Daddy... <3

a broken girl

The sun shines and the sky is blue, yet nothing is right,
a broken hearted girl, so tragic and beautiful,
sitting alone against a brick wall,
a perfect shadow of what she used to be
Her black hair falls into her face,
her eyes are hollow, void of hope and light
forgotten dreams and a shattered soul
a ocean of dispair and fear and pain
the tears fall down her cheeks so silently
she knows she's got no one to turn to
she's got no one left, deep regrets of lost friends,
it's her against the world, a lonely tragedy
a dethroned princess, wounded by her King
a shadow falls over her, a tower blocks the day
A strange face appears before her
His dark eyes meet hers and there is understandig
Did her savior appear or is he just another frog
A damaged doll with a gloomy past,
greeted by a handsome boy with a friendly smile
a part of her wonders what game fate plays
he doesn't wait and takes his seat
Sitting agaist a wall, not so alone
The sun shines and the sky is blue
And everything is righteous

lonely soul

Late at night, in the cold dark silence that surrounds me
I find myself, from time to time, pondering my life and everything in it
Sometimes I wonder if I know where I am
Did I trade part of myself for something better that I can't find
Maybe I lost some meaning, some reason, something I needed to be me
Can I change my destiny if I don't know what it is?
A part of me is lost, I think maybe I gave up too much
everything to everyone, perhaps all I had to give
I question myself and wonder if I'm just a lonely soul
all the while a broken doll, a confusion of shame and pride
I wonder where the love is, it felt so strong, so real, so true
I need a guardian of the night to save me from this maelstorm of dark thoughts
Mistakes became regrets, bloody scars litter my soul
I think of those closest to me, the conversions left unsaid, too hard to say
Betrayed by words I never heard, so I go without and hold my smile
Younger now than I was before, a creature with no control
Will all this garbled pain and history be the cause of my undoing
still, I find, I can't let go of everything I hold, despite how empty and cold
A void that could be filled without so much longing and indifference
Close my eyes, embrase the darkness, tomorrow I will wake
Another day to change my fate, another chance to see it coming
I will never say never, when I don't know when
I'll do my best with my best look and pray that I will make it
That somewhere down the road, I'll find that part I am missing
A lost and lonely soul, I'll be no more, when I find what I have needed

a tale of a sad little girl

This is the story of the sad little girl
The one no one rescued, the one no one loved
Her long worn mask, lays undone next to her delicate hand
Her tear-stained face finally revealed, unaged by the sands of time
The echoes of past-pain scream loudly through the room
She lies upon a bed of white silk,
Her black hair spread about her face, a dark halo
Her arms relaxed, her hands unclenched
The crimson puddle grows like wings unfolding
Her face is clear, she no longer remains
A morbidly beautiful sight
This is the tale of the lonely lost soul
the one no one knows,
she, a creature so mythical, pure fantacy, existed
A perfect doll of unfulfilled dreams lies broken irrepairably
Forgive us, we were not to know
Our hearts beat while hers grows cold

confessions

Illumination of my soul, inspired by a lovely friend not forgotten at all...
I feel myself relax and my eyes close, the dreams of yesterdays dance before my eyes
his face, his smile, his laugh, his eyes, always full of joy, always quick to smile
a second glance at a fading photograph fills my heart with vivid feeling
Inside my soul, there's a secret he never knew,
a confession my painted heart refused to share
but what would have happened if I'd been discovered
would it have been sophisticated and sweet or beautiful and tragic
I'm convinced it would have been worth it all
His soul is still so pure, so beautiful, a warm white spot in a cold black storm
I contemplate my life, my past and my present,with visions of a senescent mind
He couldn't understand the yearning I felt back then
Just to have his smile, his eyes, his face, full of joy just for me
He couldn't understand the way he mesmerizes me with everything he says
The trouble with love is it's elusive nature, it's there buried deep within
The flight of the gifted, the blessing of the true
What if one moment changes everything? What if I had only tried?
I think of how he's become so enlightened and I reflect
On a time that never passed, a memory that was never formed
Another life, another time, a euphoric daydream of mine...

confessions of a broken heart

Aching to express my tortured heart
Read the story on my skin
See the longing desperation in my eyes
An indication of the shape I'm in
There is something eating me alive
Inside I hear the voices taunting me
I can't escape these bitter thoughts
I have no illusions any more
Maybe love is meant to break hearts
Or maybe its just unobtainable to me
There's nothing more I can do
I am helpless and I'm fading
drained but yearning for more
I'd sell my soul just to hear you say
Love's name in vain
over and over and ever again
I'd never waste another day
searching to find the reason
You are my biggest weakness
I don't know why I need you
you complicate every inch of me
Pick your poison because you know
I would drink it all willingly
Just to feel the warmth of your love
If that's a lost and hopeless cause
Leave me here with my bleeding heart
every day I'll fight not to miss you
And every night I'll lose
And when this emptiness finally kills me
bury me in an unmarked grave
deep within your heart.

dark goodbyes

Slit my wrists to fall asleep
Count these sheep with each heart beat
One jump, two, three jump, four
I'm so dizzy I'm on the floor
The angels don't come, there is no light
I'm dying here this very night
Darkness and fear, cold and regret
I'll write this so you won't forget
Once there lived a girl so lost
The price she paid, so high a cost
No one to love, no one who cared
Falling asleep her soul was bared
Her body, blood and pale, still pretty
Her soul gone on to the fiery city

a journey through my mind

Long moments of uninterrupted silence allow my mind time to wander
Shadowy, dim-lit halls winding in and out, up and down, all around, circles, squares
Cluttered boxes filled with long lost memories sitting upon a shelf like faded photographs
A quick glance perks a sudden recollection setting my mind ablaze
I sigh and moan, my breathing quickens as I remember those days
Lonely hopelessness fills my heart, my old familiar friend
Tears burn beneathe my eyes as I recall how they never knew me at all
Shake it off and brush the dust from my knees, I continue on
Wander more, explore the maze, time has just stood still
Regret pokes at my soul as I see the empty spaces
Places filled with cob-webbed scars instead of friendly faces
A quick jolt and I am removed, out the way I came
Recovering, I close my eyes and catch my breath, aware of where I am
Look around me, my life has changed, my luck has turned
I've become someone better, transformation nearly complete
Resolve has filled me with the courage I never knew I had
Hope and light flood my body, mind and soul, removing needless pain and sorrow
An old whispered voice reminds me to rid myself of all my paranoia
Focus, it whispers, and remember this truth: Success is the purest form of revenge.

this might kill me

I see hope dangling so dazzling
Reflecting Light and Sound
Twisting in the wind, dancing on the breeze
The shine of it has stolen my gaze
Completely captivated in what I see
The truth is hiding in your eyes
You are clouding up my mind
There is something I see in you
So mesmerizing, so terrifying, hypnotizing
Just boiling in my blood
I think this might kill me
But I don't know if you can see
I'm screaming "I love you" Silently
Why can't you hear?
My thoughts are mine, locked inside
My voice is lost, my mind wanders
Fairy tale dreams of happily-ever-after
Fill my soul with gold and glimmer
The sun has never shown so bright
This love is so blinding, so radiating
I'm afraid that this might kill me
But I can't stop my heart from beating for you
On every star in heaven, I pray, I wish,
I need this to be true.