mo Captaen

 

And I'll keep waiting.

I hate people...

So stop trying to assume shit about me. You know nothing about my life anymore. You aren't even involved.

Late night ramblings

I am lucky and I know it. I never thought I was lucky before. Not until he came into my life, six months after I lost the greatest man I'd ever known. When I met him, my life began to slowly change. I was always excited to get a call or an email or text. Then summer came and with it came new hope and joy and sadly, deployment also. He left and my life went through a series of changes that left me with complete uncertainty until the new year but through it all, he supported me, cheered me on, gave me hope and made me laugh and feel special. I fell in love with him during that time because he was my constant and no one had been that before. Not like him. He encouraged me to apply for school and start learning from home while I raise my children, so I could be better capable of caring for my family in the future. He accepts my creativity and unique thoughts and may even find me funny at times. He never makes demands. I was so blessed the day I met him, even though I didn't realize it quite yet. I knew he was something special from the beginning. I remember confessing to a friend that there was potential there. I remember wishing he would be mine, that something about me would impress him, that he would want me and be proud to be mine. Then one day, I was granted my wish and ever since, I've been at a loss of what to do. I'm afraid to question too much and I'm afraid that he'll wake up one day and realize that I'm not right. He's never been anything but supportive and when he's making a point, he is always logical and reasonable. I worry because other voices haunt me. I've only been supported in the way he supports me by two other people and they had to love me because they were my Dad and Grandpa. He chooses to be with me and it seems unimaginable that I could survive losing him. Somehow a perfect stranger can transform your life into something beautiful. Somehow, he can be vital to your very happiness. Hearing his voice is the most relieving sound in the world. Just knowing he's ok helps so much. Knowing that he thought about me and called me makes me feel certain. It's the quiet lonely nights when I miss him most that my mind rushes off into the dark forest of my mind, filled with trees of branching, twisted thought. The fears come to surface and the darkness surrounding me invites the darkness to come out. I worry about failing myself, failing my kids, failing him. I worry so many worries and it becomes a battle to fight them off. But I read old letters or emails, I listen to voice mails on my machine. I watch funny shows or movies and I laugh about something I think of. I focus my mind on my studies. When the fears rush in, I must extinguish them. I plan to succeed in everything I do. I plan to raise two well-behaved children with good manners. I plan to do well in my academic career. I plan to be a faithful and loving girlfriend to my amazing hero. I plan to be a true and loyal friend and a kind and decent sister. I intend to live my life up to the ideals that I believe the classic women of strength carried. Eleanor Roosevelt was one of my idols, as are several other distinguished ladies: Nancy Reagan and Laura Bush, to name two. I also believe in being creative and smart and having a voice but I love home values. I always pictured that being a mom meant that I would raise my own kids, getting them involved with things. And for most of my kids lives, I've somehow managed to be one. It's not always been perfect and I'm not an expert mom, but I do my best and I love my kids more than anything. I'm blessed and I'm lucky because for once, I am not a nervous wreck about every little thing. I'm happy. I'm warm. My kids are happy, my kids are smiling and talking and are experiencing new things that they love. I'd only be happier if he were home. That would be the cherry-on-top, the icing-on-the-cake. <3 I love him and it's the most frighteningly amazing thing in the world. And I'm the luckiest girl in the world, because most only dream of meeting their hero and somehow, I have a future with mine

Once I was a lost and lonely girl...

deep thoughts

I have cut ties to some people in my life recently that would like to blame me and call me names, insulting me while trying to get me to open my life up to them again. I refuse to drink a glass of wine with the capsules of poison showing. I have far more in my life than I have ever had. I have a wonderful man, who makes certain that I feel safe and like I don’t have to be alone against the world. He just so happens to be a hero to me in every single way. I know that he is more important to my life than the negative.

Thoughts flow through my head as I try to see the similiarities between myself and them. I know we share so many qualities: We love.  We hate.  We feel torn.  We live. We laugh. We cry.  We hurt… both others and ourselves.  We learn.  We laugh some more. We cry harder.  We scream louder, and then we whisper softer.  We feel ambivalence, and abundance.  We love more.  We hate more. We get to know passion like the back of our hands, and then like any flaming romance it eventually dulls, even bores.  Then we’re faced with the choice:

Do we seek something greater, higher, deeper, and more extravagant? Or are we content with what we have, what we know?

When it comes to emotional roller coasters, I’ve had my share.  And I’ve decided that I’m content and do not need to know a deeper meaning.  I do not need to express my anger over days of insult, childish, dramatic, totally dysfunctional behaviour.  And I don’t wish to associate with those who have reached adulthood and still feel the need.  I love through and true, and I have chosen to love those who matter to me and whom I matter to. I will never be disloyal to someone who has given me nothing but love, when far too many have shown they are no one to turn to.

Life is not easy.  Nor is love.  We learn to communicate effectively to get the responses we need… Or, as the battle of the fittest works we keep losing – over and over again.

I won’t lose anymore sleep over this. I won’t miss her for what she was to me. I’ll only miss the woman she never was. I’ve ended all ties with my mother because she does not love me and no matter how much I wish she would be, she’ll never care about me more than she cares about herself. She won’t love my children with the grandmotherly affections and sweet treats. She hasn’t yet. I can’t put myself through that anymore.

And with him at my side (no matter how far away), I’ve learned that family is supposed to be something of love. My father always loved me, I know that. I have felt the great loss of love, he loved me enough for both my parents. My life is always going to ache for his love, my heart still feels the loss so greatly when I allow myself a moment to think about it. I will always miss him.

Steve allows me to be me. He doesn’t make me think that I am any less than worthy and I could not be more certain that he is my life and love. Why should I live with the pain of someone who will never be offering a hand at the price of a leg when I can have someone that will offer a warm embrace at the cost of a kiss?

Never again will I drink the poisoned wine, never again will I fight a battle with someone who is childish and selfish. For the rest of my life, I want happiness. I’m old enough to realize that life is short, I want mine to be full of happiness and worthy challenges to accomplish.

Moving

It's been a hell of a move and impossible even. But I made it. Louisiana. And in a matter of months, Steve will be here too. I don't have my stuff yet. I'm hoping that arrives soon. Anyways, everything is pretty good. The kids are loving playing outside and I met some nice people. I'm not sure what to think yet, of course, but this is ok.

I miss you

 It's been hard. I don't know what's wrong other than I miss you and I can't seem to find the words to express it right when i put pen to paper. So the old fall back, typing. Laptop keys meet my furious pounding and they take it willingly because they know I miss you.

 I thought about you alot today and I cried a few times from certain songs but I never stop thinking it's worth it. I want you to know how much I love you. Always. For now and forever.