I want...

 I realized that today. I want to marry you. And I haven't told you. I don't even know how I would tell you, you being so far away and all, but I wanted to tell you, even if I have no idea how to tell you that you changed my entire world when we started talking and how you helped me heal and believe in something great again. I love you and I want to be your wife. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. xoxoxo

Love always, for now and forever, Leah

The Army is Greedy and

Love is...

Love is…

Love is waking up before the sun rises just to catch a glimmer of chance that he’ll be online.

Love is smiling about a phone call in place of kisses.

Love is being thrilled by a surprise flower delivery when you can’t spend a holiday together.

Love is being patient because the only man you ever want to be with is deployed half a world away.

Love is smiling about the two sentence email that is telling you that he won’t be online.

Love is living under two different time zones, because whenever he’s awake, is a chance that you might get to talk.

Love is doing something crazy to your hair and having him smile and say “take pictures for me, Babe.”

Love is spending a half hour in the store trying to pick out the best “I miss you” card.

Love is rushing around from place to place as quickly as possible so you don’t miss his call.

Love is going to bed alone every night because you swore to protect his heart.

Love is knowing that every day that passes just brings you closer to seeing him again.

Love is surviving deployment with one thought “only ** months left.”

Love, our Love, Military Love is true, strong and resilient.

If it wasn’t, it wouldn’t live to tell the tale.

late night "i miss yous"

Some nights, I have a collection of "I miss yous" ... see, I miss my Dad because he was a gift to me from Heaven, he was on loan and I wish I could have more time. and I miss my brother, because some days I wish I could go out back and watch him fix the dirt bikes while we talked... I miss my grandpa, I miss being someone's favorite and having a family, no matter how dysfunctional. I miss a few people that have gone into the "forgotten-people pile" because there's just no place for us in each others' lives anymore. I miss my best friend, Marcus, because he was that first true friend who could make me laugh. I miss Tommie, because he was a lifelong friend and knowing he's in Heaven helps. I miss Kristen, she was such a fighter and I admired her for that, but in the end the cancer won. I miss Andrew, because he could always make you laugh and before we could reconnect he was gone. I miss Shane, because he was my first kiss and my first boyfriend and my best friend for such a long time, that when the cancer took him and I talked to his Dad, I felt my heart break, he was such a good person and I knew he would be someone wonderful. I miss Corey, because he had a way of making God real, even to the wild child with a rebellious streak. He died a few years ago in a car wreck that his brother walked away from. I still cry about that. I miss my friends in Europe because we had so much fun and as complicated as life was, it was great to have such amazing people around me who always had my back: Phillyup, Brandon, Brent, Waffles (Sacha), Lizard (Lizzie), Mexican (Ricker), Hobo (Mike)... We had different groups but whenever I was with any of them I felt happy and we laughed and usually had so much fun. I miss my friends in Jersey, before I left and time made us grow apart. I miss my friends spread out in the world, too far away to visit, but somehow still catch glimpses of each others lives, like waves. I miss old teachers like Mr. Lopez, Mr. Pinto, Marm... Mr. Lopez was awesome in Europe. He did his best to help me and I'd like to think he taught me valuable lessons. Pinto taught me about music, but he also shared funny stories like about watching Xmen in the dark and freaking himself out. But Marm, he's family. He shaped my life in a profound way and there should be people like that in the world.

You see, thinking about them, all of them... it doesn't ache nearly as much as missing you. I miss you alot right now. I miss your voice, I miss your face, I miss your heartbeat, I miss your kiss. I wish you were here tonight to hold me... I wish we were somewhere together. You are awesome and I miss you. I can't wait til this summer when I get to see you again. <3 ily

does she love you?

that says it all.

and the answer is... yes, yes I do love you, my hero

Deployment sucks...

I can't sleep, but I've already written him a letter. So I can't do that. I've already posted to my albums. So I can't do that. I have done homework and taken notes. I've looked into different vacations (we talked about maybe going on one when he gets home, it's still up in the air). I've checked out my favorite comic strip, watched NCIS, NCIS: LA and Parenthood, now watching Charmed on dvd. Yet again. I already finished all my NCIS dvds for the second time this year. So what am I doing? rambling. Nonsensical things going about in my head. Random thoughts of kittens discovering the world, of being grateful for the silence after today (the kids were in a grumpy mood all day), thinking of the future, missing Steve and wondering what he's doing. Debating going to get ice cream with Belgian chocolate sprinkles. Thinking it'd be yummy but is it worth the effort, the leaving facebook for five minutes and missing him all together.

This is all part of deployment and I've come to realize that when it's the man you love, it's different than being the daughter, friend, sister of someone deployed. Your entire life revolves around receiving any word from the far away place they are. You worry more at night when you have gone 34 hours without word and are unsure of when the next message, call, letter will arrive. You spend every night unable to fall asleep, either because you'll miss the chance to talk for five, ten minutes with disconnections happening every sixty seconds. You pray with their dogtags in your hand, as if it was a rosary. You close your eyes and picture them next to you, their smile, their eyes, their laugh. You remember the moments that took your breath away, the moments that left you laughing, the moments that you listened to their heart beat as they slept. The way their lips felt on yours is a ghost that lingers. The distance becomes an ache but that ache is bitter-sweet. You ache, feel pain, worry, anxiety and you are willing to feel it because what it means is worth it. It means that when they come home, you'll have that moment, that first kiss, that feeling of falling all over again. The knowing that the man that you have waited for is returning to you.

Deployment means being emotional and crying at a song, a commercial, a glance at a photograph. There is no real comfort for the entire time, but when a letter arrives, life explodes with color and happiness, however brief, because it means that he misses you, that you were in his thoughts and it means everything in the world. When your phone rings with the unknown or foreign number, you answer it with excitement and are overly thrilled to hear their voice, even if a minute later you hear "crack-crack-stomp-stomp-boom-boom" and have to wait to be reconnected. A single phone call can make a whole day that much better and the lack of communication can make the best of days seem lacking. You scour youtube for new music, songs, tributes. When you discover one that says exactly what you feel, you are reduced to tears. When a television show has a theme that is deeper, you wish for their arms around you and cry. It's the hardest thing, to go months without a solid nights sleep and with this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. But you tell yourself, every day that you can do it. That no one said it was easy, but it's worth it. And it is.

It's worth it because of the messages, calls, letters. It's worth it because of that first kiss. It's worth it because of the anticipation of the future. It's worth it because you know that one person in the world, who is willing to give up his life for complete strangers, cares about you and would do anything for you. It's worth it because that one person still takes up your nights when you write letters, and get the opportunity to talk to them. It's worth it, no matter the risk, because love is worth it and isn't love always a risk? And true life-defining love is worth that risk.

And that's what gets me through everyday. Every sleepless night. I know he's worth it. So I pray. I pray for his safe return, I pray for him to still want me when he gets home (it's a deployment insecurity). I pray for the kind of love that Nancy had for Ronald and the love he bore for her. I pray for the simple things in life. I pray every morning and every night and countless times throughout the day. I pray for a call, a letter, a message. I pray for patience when I see couples together. I pray for self control when a girlfriend complains about her boyfriend, fiance or husband. I pray for sleep and dreams of him. I pray a million different prayers but the prayer I pray most often is for him to come home safe and to me.

Days and weeks go by and the countdown becomes less and less. Everyday that passes is one day closer to seeing him. And when that day comes, I will be the happiest girl in the world. It's always on my mind. And as I sit here, wrapped in his shirt, his dogtags hanging around my neck next to the cross he gave me for christmas/valentines day, I stare at his picture and miss him more.

little moments

Sometimes, I think over our talks and my heart melts or I laugh. Today I laughed. When Steve was home, we were talking about something, it was a silly conversation so this part just made me laugh harder.

"would you ever lie to me?" I asked and without skipping a beat he replied "Yes, of course."

It was hilarious and I laughed at the time and I laugh now, because he quickly tried to cover his mistake and I was too busy laughing to remember what he said after.

I miss him. And little moments like that.

Why did you go so soon?

It felt like you just got here when you left. I really didn't know what to expect but I was so relieved that you were the same guy that I'd remembered from last summer. I am glad War hasn't changed you, except maybe make you think about our future more, which I must admit I don't exactly mind. You are the most amazing man I've ever known and every day with you, even the one where I got sooo sick it was awful, was amazing. I'm pretty in love with you, soon-to-be an official US Army Captain Steve <3 I miss you so much already. Come home soon. <3

Always...

I've been missing you. You left just a few days ago and I felt like my world fell apart again. Soon I'll be moving to Louisiana and who knows what that will be like or what will become of us but right now, I miss you. I can't get you out of my head. I wish you were here. Always.

I like who we are when we are around us

We had a great time over r&r and I miss you already. You have only been gone a few days and already I'm withering away. <3 I love you, Stephen <3