Leap Day Blessings

Today is February 29th, 2012. A leap year. Today is the day that happens only once every four years. I've been thinking alot today... about what has happened in my life since the last leap year and why I am so very blessed to be alive and have what I have. After all, not everyone is so lucky.

*~* I have an amazing husband, who is so supportive of me and my dreams. He's a great husband, who takes care of me when I'm sick, spoils me to make me smile and loves me unconditionally. He's a great father, who is content raising two kids that aren't his biologically but are his in heart. He's such a great soldier, who accomplishes so much and is willing to do so much for his Country. And he's such an intelligent man, graduating with his Master's degree, getting his second in a year's time.  I'm so proud of the man he is and so lucky that he is mine.

*~* I have two beautiful children: Lily and Jax, who are my whole world and show me the beautiful things in life every day. They are gorgeous and smart and so funny and kind. They protect each other and love each other. They love me and they love their Daddy. We are so lucky to have healthy children who have a future full of amazing possibilities in front of them.

*~* I have a home, with comfortable and nice furniture, plenty of food in the fridge, modern technology that is so amazing, clothes to wear and a vehicle to drive. I've been homeless before. I've had times where I starved so I could feed my children and clothing came from the donation bin at the salvation army. And I've had no vehicle several times. Life is so much better with all of that.

*~* I have a beautiful kitty who loves us and wants to show us love almost all the time. She's cute and sweet and the perfect cat.

*~* I have great friends who I talk to regularly, and some that I talk to occasionally. But if it weren't for my girls, Megan and Liz, I think I would go crazy not being able to talk to the two girls who know me best and who I love most.

*~* I have my Gram, who is an amazingly strong woman that I aspire to be like. She's been through so much and is strong and opinionated and wonderful. She's an inspiration in my life.

*~* I have Recruited ByLove, my support site that allows me to talk to so many amazing ladies and gents. They truly take my breath away with their strength and courage and they are so respectful (most of them, anyways) to each other and have such adult conversations. It makes me proud to know them all and to be expanding on it.

*~* I have fun toys, like my laptop, my tv, my game systems, my kindles, my phone, my camera... I am so blessed to have things that I can play with and enjoy.

*~* That my kids can participate in activities like Soccer and Dance class. It's nice to be able to send them to do things for fun, to make friends and to learn skills like team work and becoming their own person. It's so awesome to see how my kids are expanding with each passing moment.

*~* That we are getting a puppy soon. We've discussed it and have decided to adopt either a Mastiff or a Boxer puppy in May or June. We've even found two breeders (one of each breed). We had previously adopted from a shelter but after paying $1400 for a dog that died within a week and a half of bringing it home, we decided we'd rather go with a breeder this time and get a dog that we can train from puppy up and one that has papers that we can breed. :) I'm hoping to get a male mastiff and call him "Midas"

*~* That I've gotten all my dental work done (or will as of Monday) and won't have to worry about it after that except for maintaining. I never went to the dentist as a kid and it's so nice to finally feel better about myself.

*~* That I'm not getting abused in any way, shape or form. I was abused as a child by my mother. She tried to kill me and hurt me in any way she could, whether it was mentally, emotionally or physically. Our relationship ended completely when she aimed a shotgun at my head and we haven't spoken in a year. It's been a great year.

*~* That I have my Father's memory to carry with me. I am lucky to have had such an amazing father in my life. The fact that he's now passed away and I don't get to spend anymore time with him truly does hurt but I am still happy that I can remember him and know that he'd be proud of me for all that I do.

*~* To be an Army wife and to have a husband who I am so proud of for all he does for our Country. I am proud to be his wife, his public face while he's deployed or not at home for whatever reason. I'm proud to be among the 2% of the population who sacrifices so much for our country, whether it's going to war and losing your life or getting injured or sacrificing time with your family or loved one in order to support his or her dreams. I feel I am blessed to be part of this community and culture.

*~* I am blessed to have healthcare and dental insurance. It's so great to not worry about the cost of my prescriptions or seeing a doctor and having a huge medical bill. I'm so lucky that I can schedule my children for shots or physicals, that I can go to the Emergency room and not face horrendous fees for anything. It's so nice to have that worry off my mind.

I am probably blessed for so many other things that I can't think of right now, but I wanted to acknowledge what I could today, a leap day, a special day to say what matters most in your life and that's what matters most to me. My family, my cat, my life, their lives... it all matters to me.

Love,
Leah

Daddy, I miss you

I miss you Daddy... 

I swear, not a day goes by that I don't think of you....

I wish you could come home again...

I love you...

Love, your baby girl.

In-Laws Rant

I'm annoyed. Yes, annoyed. Why you might ask? By my in-laws saying that I am not a Christian Lady... again. I come from an entirely different culture than they do. They are from the really conservative, right-wing baptist community that only values things that happen in their church (and all other churches are wrong, fyi), they don't believe in dancing, drinking, music that doesn't talk about loving Jesus, shows that might be a little too edgy and going to the movies: that's a product of the devil. I am from the Military Community. I grew up raised around Soldiers and Airmen who swore, drank, danced, used weapons on a regular basis, fished, hunted, smoked and alot of other "un-Christian" things. Things I do also. I swear, alot. I drink wine occasionally. I love to dance. I love music of all flavors. I love to watch shows about Vampires and fake worlds. And I love movies. I love to joke around and be inappropriate with my friends because they are my friends and we love to have fun.

So why is this bothering me tonight? Well, it shouldn't really but my husband spoke to his mother last week and it's been in my head. Let me point this out: She never calls me, never asks to speak to me when my husband calls her, never thanks me for what I clearly do for her (like I'm the one who sent her the Anniversary card for her and my father-in-law's 43rd). She acts like she's morally superior to me, even though I'm catholic and believe that I'm on the right path to Heaven for me. (I don't care what you believe, because I believe there are many paths to Heaven and I'm on mine, you are on yours.) And worse yet, she thinks the Bible explains everything. Well, this is the Military and the Bible doesn't cover it, not really. We don't have answers to the problems we face, the scriptures don't hold the keys to every possible situation. It bothers me alot that she thinks I should only find answers in a Book written 2000 years ago.

I do like the Bible. I love the stories inside and I think it's a wonderful book full of stories that teach lessons, but I don't think it covers all the choices life gives. I don't think we could possibly have all the answers for everything.

My in-laws not liking me hurts alot, considering I have no parents anymore. I have friend's parents who love me, who treat me like a member of their family. I have aunts that treat me like a daughter and I have ex-boyfriend's parents that still call me to chat from time to time. So the fact that my own mother-in-law doesn't like me and decides that judging me is better than getting to know me for me, hurts like hell. It's the reason we won't visit over holidays, over Sundays, for too long. The fact is that my husband isn't who they think he is either and he would rather not see me hurt by them. It does hurt too. I'm not the kind of person who gets hurt so easily but I wished for a set of in-laws that would take me under their wing as a daughter, instead I got in-laws who treat me like I'm damaged and cursed.

How am I supposed to deal with that? I send them cards randomly, I send them books that I think they'd enjoy (like Bible Trivia) and I try to keep them updated with pictures of their son and many other things, but do they ever acknowledge a single thing I do? No. Do they ever thank me? No, they thank their son, who if he had to remember the dates for important things, wouldn't. I remind him of Birthdays and Anniversaries. I remind him how old they are, how many years they've been married. And I just married into the family. I am the one who puts forth all the effort only to be judged for things that shouldn't matter.

Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does. And if we judge them on that, they are totally failing. 

Anyways, that's my rant for the day... I'm sad about it and it makes me miss my Dad even more. He was my hero and my white knight. I never thought I'd be so alone and I never thought I'd need his advice on how to deal with in-laws that don't like you, but I do... and I don't know what to do about it.

Stressed out

I keep wondering what to write... What is it that I could say that would help my mind shut down... I can't even come up with an answer. You see, we are PCSing and that leaves my mind going over the lists of things we have to do (clean the whole house, sell the house, pack the house, move, find a place for my cat to stay until we find a house, find something to do over the 22 days between here and there, find a way to entertain my kids with no furniture, keep the disagreements to a minimum between my husband and myself, etc). Moving is so stressful normally but when you add the Army on top of it, sometimes I think I'm ready to blow a gasket.

My husband works with some great guys but one of his superiors is kind of bad at his job. He gives out assignments that make little to no sense and my husband rarely has anything nice to say in private (since this blog is public, I won't use names or even say what he says because it might be obvious). It's hard to be the encouraging wife when I also have things going on that he leaves to me to take care of.

When he works from six to six, I am dealing with both children, the cat, calls to places that he asked me to call, cleaning, packing, organizing, planning things that have to be done and it's ok because that's what I signed up for when I signed our marriage certificate but at the same time, it's exhausting and I know that he doesn't understand why sometimes I snap at him or sometimes I just sit in silence and don't say a word to him. It's not because I'm mad at him, but it is because I am stressed and he doesn't necessarily handle my stress the way I'd hope. I love him with all my heart and he is the best guy in the world, but he is a guy and guys don't get the whole stress thing.

A. When a girl gets stressed out, two things can happen, either her cycle can come quicker or it can be delayed. ... In my case, it comes faster, so I deal with PMS on an already shortened cycle (I'm a 24 days between normally) and have to try to remain calm even though my hormones are going crazy.

and

B. The stress a woman puts on herself, as a mother, as a wife, as the person who takes care of the house and the day-to-day errands and tasks, as a woman in general is always high. Women tend to aim to achieve and I'm not different there. I want to be successful in all I do, so having too many things happening where I can't devote all of my attention to the main tasks and am instead sharing that attention with too many diversions is difficult and makes me disappointed with myself. And my husband couldn't possibly understand that.

You see, we are a happy couple and have a good life, but part of that is the efforts I put forth to provide a stable and loving home that gives my family good feelings and a safe, comfort zone. In public, I am direct, to the point and polite to everyone. In private, I get the things done that need to be and am playful with my kids and my husband. But lately the playing is minimized and that's hard for me. It's also hard that when I put out my list of things to do for the day, I only manage to get about half of what I planned to do done.

I don't like struggling to accomplish things. I'm not good with it. I am a survivor and I've fought hard to be the person I am with the experiences that I've had. And failing myself... it's worse than failing anyone else.

I guess, I need sleep and I need a break. I just don't know when that break will happen because I'm too busy and have no time to accomplish what I have to anyways.

Anyways, off to get some rest. Another busy day of tasks and meetings is about to hit me... hard.

Love,
Leah

Garden DONE!!!!

I finished my garden.

My front walk/garden :) 

Pretty flowers

Me planting the side garden in front of our bedroom window :) 

Lunatic hiding in my newly planted flowers

Lunatic checking out our garden.

Finished :) 

Front view :) 

side view :) Front walk and gardens 

It took $300 and 20 hours of work but I finally finished the front walk and the garden.... The garden was the toughest part. Louisiana soil is hard to dig into. There are rocks, clay and poor soil, so a lot of work went into it. Between the stones, the soil and the plants, it was back breaking and hard to do but I think it's worth it... We dug out everything for the garden and the path... We put down the outlying stones first, followed by that path stones and the river rock. Then I dug holes for each plant and added garden soil and garden mulch soil to even it out. 

Tomorrow, we meet with our Realtor, and I've deep cleaned the bedroom bathroom, our bedroom, and started on the kitchen and the other bathroom and finished the livingroom (which I have to do again).  Good luck to us. Hopefully the paperwork and the house sells quickly.

Love, 

Leah

Baby fever

I have big news... well the news that will hopefully lead to big news soon. Steve and I had a real talk last night, about babies and our future. We were trying to think of a time where getting pregnant would be optimal but we both disagreed that certain times would be best, and then we just decided we'll leave it to God. So we are officially not preventing pregnancy at all. And I'm excited.

Last night, we had our first round of completely unprotected sex. I have two pregnancy tests in my bathroom cabinet waiting for a late-period and waiting for us to announce our first baby together... He's not Lily or Jax's biological father but he is a great father to them. And he and I are both ready to have a baby together. A little Ramsbottom. We have already come up with names::: For a boy: Hunter Timothy Edward. For a girl: Willow Brooke Lee. Either way, our little one will be a wonderful addition to our family. Even the kids gave their approval to having a little brother or sister.

Jax especially loves babies. He is always playing with other people's little babies, trying to make them laugh, giving them back their toys, offering his own. He's got the instincts already of a big brother.

Lily on the other hand, only wants a little sister. She's decided one brother is more than enough and would like Mommy and Daddy to have a girl. But both are excited at the possibility of a baby in the house. Lily even said "I help you, Mommy" when I asked her how she felt about a baby joining our family.

I can't wait for this pregnancy though. I love my two children but I wasn't ready for a baby and both were surprises to me, completely unplanned. I was thrilled, of course, to have my little girl and little boy. I love being a mother so much. I'm just excited to be ready, to plan a baby, to have the resources to have a good life, that my children are old enough to welcome a little brother or sister into this world and understand what is going on. Lily wasn't old enough to understand that Mommy was pregnant when her little brother showed up, so this time, it'll be this amazing adventure with all of us.

Plus Steve will be home for the pregnancy and for most of the first year, even if he deploys, if I get pregnant by fall. This makes me so happy. The idea of having him home, the idea of having his baby and having our little family grow even bigger just makes me thrilled. I couldn't possibly be happier.

Anyways, that's all I have to say for now. I'll keep you posted :)

Love,
Leah

Redhead and cleaning

PCSing... So much stress, so many things to do on top of normal every day things and things you actually want to do. For instance, tomorrow we have a meeting with the realtor to officially start the paperwork to sell my house. I'm not exactly excited about it.

Tonight, I did manage to make time for myself and dyed my hair again. Bright red, my favorite color. I also went to walmart and got season 6 & 7 of House on dvd, the Lion King and Tangled. I also picked up three new bouquets of flowers, two wildflowers and one of white roses. I also picked up some yummy breakfast foods for myself and treated myself to some nail polish and lip gloss. I needed a break from the regularity of laundry, cleaning, parenting... So dying my hair definitely helped me relax by spending time on me.

Although, thankfully, I have gotten alot done. Between cleaning the laundry room, organizing Steve's PT gear and regular uniforms, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen, my room, the kids rooms, I've made progress. I do have all of Steve's packets, between what his options for his career are after the career course and where we can live. 

Anyways, that's all I really have to say, I'm exhausted and I still have more to do.

Ciao,

Leah

Ash Wednesday and life

I finally managed a good night's sleep last night. I was so glad to sleep that I actually woke up early. My husband had staff-duty last night and I haven't seen him since he had a meeting with Transportation this morning about the PCS move soon. The kids are loud and driving me crazy, laundry is in the washer and dryer, a dent in the backlog I have since my Washer was broken until yesterday (turns out it was a sock stuck in between the actual washer part and the motor, which ended up costing $200 to have them take it apart and remove the sock and put back, outrageous) and it's Ash Wednesday. The time I think about my life, what needs to go, what I have to sacrifice and what will make us, as a family, happier and me, as a woman, more fulfilled. I've decided to give up Cheesecake for lent and to start listing the five things that made me happy throughout the day, every night before I go to sleep. Also, no meat on Fridays, of course and no soda on Sundays. Even though it doesn't sound like much, for me, it will be challenging.

This morning, in addition to doing laundry, I'm catching up on my DV-R, or would, if my Satellite dish was properly placed after redoing the roof. I'll have to have my husband fix it tonight after work. Nothing is recording and I certainly don't want to miss watching my shows for the rest of the week. But I just watched House, one of my all time favorite shows and Monday's episode has left me wondering even what I'm wondering. It was so different for some reason that I can't name and I don't really have an answer for what I'm really thinking.

So the day is full of doing laundry, trying to get the swing of things back before my next surgery (March 5th) in hopes that I can do everything I need to do in the next two weeks because I'll be out of it for another week or so, perhaps longer. It's so stressful, trying to get things done when you aren't absolutely sure what is going to happen. All I do know, is that I'm stressed out. And I haven't really been able to have any time with my husband in the past week and a half. Something I'm hoping to change ASAP.

Anyways, it'll be another long day full of house-wife things to do. But such is life.

Love,
Leah

No sleep and minor complaints

I didn't sleep a wink last night. I was up all night long watching Dexter and trying to fall asleep. It really was hard to sleep and I'm not even sure why. I just know that by the time I realized it, my husband was up for PT and it was too late. So about a half hour ago, I started coffee and am on my first cup now. My son is chilling next to me watching Dinosaur Train, his favorite show and my husband is home from PT. And I haven't slept at all. Now that I'm ready to fall asleep, and could easily (I feel that sheer exhaustion that would knock me out) I can't, because I have a dental appointment today and I'm dreading that in and of itself.

I guess, a part of me just reboots itself from time to time and a part of that is not sleeping. It happens a few times a year regularly but I got so used to this feeling when Steve was deployed and I haven't really had it since he came home. Now I have to deal with no sleep and a full day of a dental appointment and a repairman coming to fix our washing machine and two kids who will demand my attention and catching up on laundry and dealing with my husband being on Staff Duty tonight. Like I need anymore stuff to do, I have to book my kids doctors appointments and dental appointments and all I really want to do is sleep.

So I'm drinking coffee. One of the best coffees ever too, btw. My favorite Canadian coffee place lets you order their coffee online so I have a cup of fresh brewed Tim Horton's, or as I call it, Timmeh's. But anyways, for some reason my backspace key is sticking and I have a full day ahead of me, so I better get ready for the day.... I just can't wait til I can curl up and sleep. Just 12 - 15 more hours til bedtime.

God help me through.

Love,
Leah

Don't wear his rank

I love my husband. When I met him, I remember thinking "I can't fall for this guy. He might be perfect but he's an officer and he's about to deploy in a few months." You see, I'm an enlisted man's daughter, who grew up with rank segregation. I knew that officers were uptight and high strung. I knew that as someone who had grown up enlisted that I would always have a problem with that attitude.

Already I had a wife of a 1LT give me the officer's wife rundown. I was shocked and appauled considering how I don't only care about my husband's career enough to have a public face around his co-workers and superiors but I care enough not do have fun the way I used to, before I became his wife. I never want to be the officer's wife who has a stick up her butt, who acts like her husband is better than everyone else, who thinks she's better than other wives because of her husband's rank. Because she's not. He's not. I respect everyone but I know for a fact that no one, no matter the rank, is any better than anyone else.

I am a TSgt's daughter, first and foremost. I have enlisted friends, I have enlisted brothers. I married an officer but it wasn't because of his rank or even that he was in the Army (although, for me, it was a plus). I love my husband for the man he is, the fact that he's an officer, well, it almost turned me off to who he is completely because I've only ever met a few officers before him that I liked enough to even be friends with, and never met one I wanted to be with in a romantic sense. He changed my mind about that. Partially because when he told me he was enlisted first, I thought well, he's got to be smarter than the normal officer. And it turned out he was smarter, funnier, more down to earth.

We don't like hanging out with other officers. My friends here are enlisted and although, we do know a few nice and good officers, we aren't very social with them. We like to stick around the house, hanging as a family, keeping our complaints about this and that to ourselves.

When I got the officer wife rundown, I came home and told my husband. He works with hers (they shall both remain nameless because I'm not out to start drama) and he told me it doesn't matter because what she said wasn't true. I do what I'm responsible for, showing up at functions and being part of the FRG, helping the other wives, being nice and realizing that I do represent him. So I'm a little bit more honest and blunt than most, so I'm a little more wild and free naturally. So I dye my hair bright red and wear jeans and cowboy boots with tshirts, so I am an artist and not a normal "officer's wife" that's ok with me. And, even more importantly, that's ok with my husband.

He married me knowing just about everything about me. My flaws and faults and what I could bring into our relationship. He knew that I would be a good mother with enough history to know what I was responsible for as his wife. He knew I could cook and he knew I could make him look good at certain times. I do things for him because I love him. I represent him at different functions because that's what I'm supposed to do. And he knew the rest, the fact that I swear more than most girls, the fact that I'm more comfortable with a firearm in my hands in the woods than I am with a bunch of ladies discussing how to decorate an Army function. He knows who I am absolutely and I don't hide that from him.

So having another wife, especially one that has less history than I do, tell me that I'm not representing him properly, when my husband has never once complained or even let on that he was unhappy with how I behaved or acted in front of his co-workers and superiors, lets me know that she spoke out of line and she judged me based on my hair, my clothes and my 'don't-give-a-damn-what-you-think' way that I walk and talk. I don't give a damn but when it comes to my husband, I do. I'm a damn good wife and a damn good mother. I can make it through the rough patches that a Military life undoubtedly has in store and I've been through the absolute worse as a daughter. I dress up nice, put a sweet smile on my face, and can hold a conversation with the Lt. Col. of our unit and then have a nice chat with one of the lower enlisted soldiers at the same time.

It doesn't really matter about rank, what matters to me is the person wearing the rank or the person who stands beside him/her. If someone is a Lt. Col and an asshole, I'm not going to talk to him/her much, but if his wife is sweet, doesn't wear his rank, acts like a proper Army wife and carries herself with dignity, then I will like her. If a Sgt's wife wears his rank and acts superior to those who are below her husband and their wives/husbands, well I'm going to dislike her. That's just the way it is.

The wife who gave me the rundown will probably never read this blog, because we aren't friends, but if she were to ever run across it. I would love to tell her that she's in the wrong and that her wearing his rank, acting like she earned it... well, she's acting far too superior for her own and her husband's good. I may not do anything to harm her family by complaining to my husband, but I'm sure I'm not the first wife she's talked to, which means I won't be the last. One day, she's eventually going to start something with someone else, who won't be as good about letting go.

To other wives who read this, and even the girlfriends, please know, that your husband or boyfriend's rank is his. You didn't earn it and you don't deserve to wear it or act like it's yours. You may have stood beside him and given him unconditional love and supported him and made sacrifices for him, but you agreed to that and you also agreed to help his career any way you could. And wearing his rank, well, to be honest, I've seen it hurt relationships and his career. You don't want to be that wife.

Anyways, I was just thinking about that today and I thought I'd share my thoughts on the matter.

Much love.

Serial killers and self-defense

I have become pretty addicted to Dexter, a show about a serial killer who hunts murderers and other serial killers. It's pretty awesome and has fed my one daydream of being a killer who kills murderers and child molesters and rapists, you know, the scum of the earth. I don't think I could kill an innocent person but someone who is stone-cold guilty, yea I think I could do that if I knew I wouldn't get caught.

It's the same reason I love the Boondock Saints movies so much. The idea of vigilante ways appeals to me but I'll probably never do anything about that. I have too much to lose, my family, friends, freedom. The big Fs. And I think that's what keeps me from seeing someone do something heinous and not lose my mind and find a way to make them pay for it, when our court systems fail us so many times.

If there was a killer out there who killed for the right reasons, I wouldn't want him caught. It would be good incentive for people not to step over that line, open that door and walk through into the darkness of humanity.

I day dream alot, about different things. But when I'm at a range, and picturing the target, in my stance, remembering the lessons I was taught regarding my weapon and the bullets inside, I picture the face of the latest child molester to pop up on my tv screen, or the latest corrupt cop who is using his gun and badge for things other than protecting the innocent... and I take a deep breath, steady my hands and aim through my target. I'm almost a perfect shot, fyi. For my next birthday, I'm getting my conceal permit and my dream gun, which is actually torn between two .45s.

I grew up using weapons and I like them. I know how to disarm an attacker with a knife. I know that if someone wants to take me somewhere else, to fight like hell because they probably want to make the kill slower, might as well go down fighting and have a chance of freedom. I know how to flip a man twice my weight and have him fall to the ground without using too much effort of my own. I know the weak spots on a person's body and the pressure points that will disable my attacker. I know these things because I was taught them. Some lessons were given to me by my father (once I sliced his hand open by disarming him with his Kabar). Some were taught by friends. Everyone saw me as a small, petite little thing, easy to overpower without the training, so I was taught. I was taught that my size makes me seem like the perfect victim, which I guess is good because I've had to use my training a time or two in my past, to get away from a bad situation before it got worse. Better me, than some girl who can't defend herself. My daughter will get that same training too.

I often wonder why more girls aren't taught self-defense. Why they aren't taught things like the ability to throw knives or shoot a weapon with better-than average accuracy. Why they aren't given that power of knowing they might be small but size doesn't matter as much as training and most attackers aren't trained. They are simply taking advantage of a situation that appears to give them the upper hand.

My advice to any women out there: get some type of self-defense training. Not kick boxing. Not karate but genuine, self-defense. Whether you learn how to kick a knee cap perfectly or body slam a man twice your size, that's all important. Women who get hurt, 9 times out of 10 don't have any type of training. They are weak, maybe  not by choice, but because they don't know how to protect themselves. And that really bugs me.

So for my next birthday, I'm getting my right to conceal a weapon and wear it when I'm unsure of my environment. The threat of a weapon is the only thing needed by most dirtbags to high tail it. I'm getting my dream gun that I will be trained in using. I will have my protection no matter what. Part of being who I am, growing up the way I did, makes me realize the benefit of firearms and I know the risks, but I also know this: that my children will grow up with a heavy respect for weapons, whether they be knives or pistols or rifles. And that's not only because their father is in the Army, but also because their mother has never touched a weapon that wasn't hers without permission and will teach them the proper way to shoot and the lessons that are involved. Lessons I might write later, when I have the time.

It's funny how a show about serial killers makes me think about my own protection, and those I love. I will be prepared for anything when it comes to my family and I will not rely on my husband to do it. Partially because I never know when he'll be gone and partially because I know I am capable.

Anyways, much love and please, ladies, listen to what I said. Get into self-defense class and kick ass. There is no reason any woman should be at the mercy of a man, ever.

Nothing in particular

It's been a rainy Saturday and not much has happened. The roof is still being worked on, I'm still recovering and having a hard time keeping food down, my husband is still amazing to the kids and the kids are still crazy and happy.

Today, I spent part of my day asking questions on RBL and playing Solitary on the Kindle Fire. When you really don't want to talk to anyone and only want to spend time in bed, facebook is a great way to have an outlet. Early, my husband took our daughter to McDonald's to get me a Milkshake and he ended up treating her to an ice cream cone. She's spoiled by him but I'm happy she is. I spent the better part of the day watching Season 3 of Dexter and just started season 4 on my lapton (Amazon is awesome with digital orders, fyi) and I've realized that I've sort of become addicted to it. In the afternoon, I went to walmart and bought a few new DVDs just because I wanted something to watch over the next few days and in two weeks when I get the final part of my Dental stuff done. I bought John Adams, the HBO mini-series and Moonlight, a show about a vampire private eye from 2008. I also got the kids Rio and my husband the third Transformers movie. While I was there they had a bunch of Valentine's bears for $1 each so I got three. One angel one, one devil one and one little brown one holding a heart that says "love". The angel represents my husband and the devil is me. (his family would absolutely agree with that!) The little brown one was given to Lily. Jax didn't get one, pretty much because he wouldn't care anyways.

Now I'm sitting in my room, listening to the rain poor down and hoping I feel better tomorrow. I doubt it, but I'm hoping for it.

Anyways, that's all I've got.

God Bless the Troops... and protect them always.

Love,

For now & Forever,

Leah

My garden/front walk

We are working on our house, getting it ready to sell and to move away... I just put in a garden and walkway (well I still have to plant the flowers, probably on Sunday) and Steve and a friend of his are working on the roof.

Here's what I did :)

The pathway I put in :)

front door perspective :)

The flowers I will plant on Sunday :)

My husband checking it out :)

truth comes in peaceful moments

Sometimes, truth comes in peaceful moments. Sometimes clarity comes in all the chaos of the universe, like the eye of a storm or the calm ocean before a hurricane.  Sometimes, all you have to do is look up at the night sky and see the moon glowing and reflecting light of the clouds to see the beauty in everything. I close my eyes and think of all the yesterdays in my life. I think about the happy memories I have had and the sad memories that still hold a slight glimpse of happiness and those memories that I can't figure out how to feel because they are tainted now by things that happened later. 

I remember my father as my hero but sometimes I'm angry with him for things he did while he was alive. Secrets he never shared, that he couldn't share. Things he said that he shouldn't have said. But I've come to the realization that I will never be able to confront him and make him say he was sorry and that he was wrong, so instead, I have to find that part of me that is willing to forgive his wrongs and see what he did for me instead. And most of the time, I succeed, but other times, I still feel that anger mixed with sadness. That feeling when Daddy's little girl realizes her Daddy isn't a superhero... that he's just a man. I didn't realize that until it was too late to have that talk with him. The one that bares all to honest scrutiny. The talk that says "Look at me and see what your lessons taught me, look at me and see what you did right... look at me and see what you did wrong." That talk will never happen and it saddens me but at the same time, I know he would be sorry and ask for me to forgive him and I know that if I could just have one more hug, I would. 

The same cannot be said about my exes, who all cheated on me and caused me to distrust men so much. I had one cheat on me with multiple women, another use an online dating site while we lived together. One who slept with a good friend of mine and others who shattered my trust. I remember things that I recall as happy moments but the love I felt is now destroyed for them, that I get angry that I share those memories with them, that moments of my life are tainted with their faces and their would-be love. It causes me to distrust my life sometimes, even to distrust my husband, who has never earned a single bit of that feeling but deals with it because he loves me.

My husband is the only man I've ever known who hasn't betrayed me in any way. He loves me, for better and for worse. Over the past few days, I've had time to think and to contemplate things. I've had time to wonder if he would ever hurt me or neglect me because I am "not good enough" as I've heard so often before. But because of what I've been going through, with a major dental surgery that left my face swollen and bruised and me hiding in bed away from the world and seeing how much he loves me, what he'll do for me, I know I have no reason to worry. He has taken me from this place where my confidence was nearly shattered and brought me to a place where it gets shaken but never breaks. He comforts me, spoils me, amazes me, with everything he does. I love him with every fiber of my being, even when I don't show it. 

When I met him, I wasn't sure I would love him. I liked him, a lot. But I had just had a major heartbreak and wasn't ready to commit myself to him. Well two years later, we are together, in love and married. He took my children into his heart as if they were always his and drives them to dance class and soccer practice, fixes them breakfast so I can sleep in a little longer. He brings me flowers and tells me he loves me as often as possible. We rarely leave the room or hang up the phone without saying it. There is never a time he leaves the house without giving me a kiss. Some mornings he comes into our room and cuddles after PT until he has to leave for work. Some nights, he puts off homework so we can cuddle and watch a movie or a show together. He does the dishes for me and helps me with the cleaning. He encourages me to feel whatever I'm feeling, trusts me to be honest with him as I trust him for the same. We rarely fight (we've only had one "big" one and it ended quickly with both of us apologizing for our behavior). We know how each other tick and we know how each other reacts and what we really mean when we say something. We know each other's flaws and we never hold them against each other. We each have annoying habits and we deal with them honestly and come to agreements about certain ones and let the others slide. We talk about our finances together, he has an account on his own, I have an account of my own and we share an account, so we each have money to spend separately and money we spend together as a family. We support each other in everything. In all of my life, I've never had a "we" quite like us. 

Today is another day of our love growing, expanding. He shows me with every small act that he loves me and I show him that I love him with every act. Today, he had to work and since I have a swollen face and a black eye, I'm refusing to leave my house until my face is back to normal, he came home to bring me a milkshake and to take our daughter (because she really is OURS, not my ex who gave dna but Steve's and mine because we love her and our son with every action and every daily chore that revolves around them) to her dance class. I gave him my debit card from my account to pull out money for an order I placed by mistake to his card and to pick up pizza for him and the kids (I can't eat anything solid yet). And he came home with pizza and change. He told me about Lily's dance class and what he did while she was at it. I don't think we even have secrets from each other in any way. I hear about his day at work (whether I want to or not, haha) and he hears about mine at home with the kids (whether he wants to or not, haha). When I go out, I tell him what I did, with or without friends and he does the same. Tonight, he's watching an 80s movie called "Escape from NY" and explained it to me, even though I didn't care, I listened and told him it sounded bizarre. He asked me how my show was and I told him and I know he didn't care but we talk, we communicate on big issues and small ones. And today, well, today was just another example of how well we work together. 

I think, somehow, all the shitty stuff that happened in my life lead me to him. All the mistakes I made, choices I made, good and bad, all of that lead to him. He is better than I ever dreamed. And I'm so proud of him. So damn proud to be his wife and his soul mate and his best friend. 

The other day I got mad at his family for not seeing him the way I do. For not seeing this amazing man, with a Masters degree nearly finished (May 12th!!!!) and a great career as an Army Captain, with a Bronze star under his belt already. A man who has amazing values and strength and enough compassion to be a great leader for his soldiers that he'll have in less than 2 years. A man who puts our family first, above all else. A man who would do anything in the world to keep us all happy. A man whose convictions are strong enough that he can say no to my impulsiveness (when it's wrong to be impulsive) and a man who is strong enough to take on a pre-made family without questioning it. A man who wants to build our family, who wants to provide us with an amazing life... A man who is so utterly perfect that his flaws and annoying traits are so insignificant. I guess I'm just so proud and in love that it hurt me when he told me that none of his family knew how close he was to graduating with his masters, how none of them remembered how he received his Bronze Star... I think it bothered me more than my family somewhat ignoring me. After all, he grew up with his and they know less about him (but think they know everything there is to know) than my family knows about me. And that's just sad to me. 

Sometimes, truth comes in peaceful moments. Sometimes, clarity comes within the chaos. And sometimes, all you have to do is open your heart to it. 

I know I rambled alot here, and for that I'm sorry, but this was what has been on my mind today and I just had to get it out... 

Oh and one more thing, my homestate of New Jersey are total morons for even suggesting they lower the flag to half-mast for an alcoholic junkie. She doesn't deserve that. Only our REAL heroes deserve that kind of respect 

God Bless the Troops, Firefighters, Police Officers and EMTs that die in the line of duty. 

Love,

For now & Forever,

Leah

Truth

Sometimes I hate the Media. 

God Bless our Troops

Thank you for all you do

Moving & Religion

It's 240am local time. I'm stressed out by the amount of projects we have to get done by April 2nd. Yep, I know my date of when the movers will come and pack our stuff out to ship to Fort Lost-in-the-Woods, Missouri. I'm excited and sad at the same time.

I moved to Louisiana almost a year ago, to get away from my past and to welcome my future and to wait on my Soldier. I had been living in NY at this time last year, hating where I was, hating my mother (for many reasons, but for one very important one, she threatened to kill me by holding a shotgun aimed at my face), hating the cold and the snow and the lack of happiness to be found there. I needed to get myself and my children away from her. At the time, Steve was deployed and I was back in my family's town trying to figure out my life. It wasn't my hometown, I was a Military Brat and because of that, I never really had a hometown. (Although, I do call Jersey my home state.) He had come to NY on his R&R from Afghanistan and hated that place as much as I did and told me that he wanted me to move to Louisiana and get away from the bad stuff that kept me so unhappy. So in early March or April (honestly, I forgot exactly when I moved because it doesn't really matter), I moved to Louisiana with the kids to wait for our hero to come home. I met new people and fell in love with this state for what it offered me: Freedom from my family (mainly my mother), a home to set up and a future with my Soldier.

Since moving here, Steve came home in August of 2011, he and I got married. I met his family, wonderful friends and fell in love with the local foods (Cajun and Creole are amazing dishes). I miss things from the other places I've lived but at the same time, I love the small-town America vibe this place has. And soon, we will move to another place that I've never been, we will be surrounded by new people, living in Army housing on post (since it will only be for a year) and we will be celebrating our One year married, and our three years together in Missouri. Lily will start Kindergarten and Jax will be in preschool. I'm thinking of heading back to school for a Psychology degree and taking advantage of my father's GI Bill (as is my right as a survivor).

To move, however, we have to sell our house, make it appear perfect (which adds to so much of my stress), finish my dental things, and finish packing things that clutter our home (aka all the stuff that I won't be needing until at least May). There is nothing easy about PCSing. The thing that makes me grateful, though, is that I won't have to think too much about my in-laws and their misunderstanding and their lack of knowledge about my faith (which is our biggest obstacle in my relationship with them).

I really don't know how to deal with them. All I know is that my religion is misunderstood by them and I probably am misunderstanding their own, except I have asked my husband questions concerning their faith and found myself confused. Don't get me wrong, I know the Catholic church has some issues and possibly some corruption. I know that we have what people would consider "False Idols" in Saints (which, fyi, we don't worship, we simply pray to them in our time of need, we acknowledge their legacies and pray that they will guide us. However, I still accept Jesus (even if sometimes I question things too much) in my heart, and always have. I believe that God has so much to do with six billion (or is it seven billion now?) on earth and he delegates to the Angels and the Saints to help His people. But I also believe that other faiths are probably just as right and wrong as my own, that there are many paths into Saint Peter's Gates, that there are many different faiths that have lessons worthy of learning. I don't believe that any church could possibly have all the answers, nor does the Bible, but I do believe that it holds valuable information and lessons that I hang on to with my heart. I don't know all the answers, but I do know that there are good people who aren't Christian and there are bad people who are. I don't believe in a cruel God who would send good people to hell just because they are born into a faith or chose to believe in a certain faith that is contrary to the Christian way. Just as I do not believe that God would allow bad people into Heaven, who are neither deserving or repentant.

Some of my favorite parts of being catholic are confession, mass, communion and traditions. I love how you can go into any Catholic church in the entire world and the feeling inside is always the same, and for me, it means home, family and something divine. There is usually the same smell too, a mix of perfumes, the unscented candles that burn, the incense that burns purification, and the holy water always feels the same, cool to the touch yet warms on your heart and head as you cross yourself. I have a cross my father brought me back from Italy that was blessed by the Pope and I have my rosary that I've had for so long, a bracelet with pearls and the crucified Christ. I remember the lessons from Sunday School and Summer camp. I remember my first Communion and my confirmation.

I won't make my kids become Catholic though. I don't think I want my decedents entering my church, however I don't want them in my in-law's church either. It honestly terrified me to be there. I saw judgement where in my own, I saw love. I heard the sermon and found myself confused because it was of not judging others while judging them at the same time. I don't want my children being raised to believe that judging anyone, without a real cause is wrong. For example, you can judge a pedophile because he is a monster, not a human being but you cannot judge a young Muslim girl just because of her faith. The Pedophile prays on children, destroying their innocence and taking away the path their lives should have gone. The Muslim child has harmed no one and her only fault is by being born into a Muslim family.

The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, est pater, est filius, et spiritus sanceti. That is the Holy Trinity. That is what I believe in. Let me explain. I believe that God is the Father, he is my Heavenly Father as my Dad was my Earthly one. He created me (whether or not evolution was involved, which I believe is part of the "Seven Days" it took for God to create the Earth, pardon me, I consider science as well as the Bible for the beginnings of the human race) and everything else on Earth, past and present. Jesus, the Son, died for my sins and is my Savior, he has repented for me (although I also repent for my own sins, through confessions). And the Holy Spirit is that part of your soul that is drawn to the Heavens, the part that allows you to do Good and to make peace in the world. If you are good and try to be a good person and devote yourself to your own faith, the Holy Spirit inside you connects you to God and Jesus, but if you are bad and remorseless about your faith, then your Holy Spirit is replaced by a void inside. Now, don't misunderstand me, I don't know if this is what all Catholics believe (there have been so many branches break off and bend to the wills of the people, but this is what my Priest as a child explained to me). I don't believe my friends who are atheist or even agnostic are bad people, and I don't believe they'll go to Hell unless they die with a Hate in their heart that is incurable, however none of my friends, not even the ones with Anti-Christian tattoos are headed for hell. Not that I know of anyways. If they are, then most likely I'll follow them, as we agree on so much of life and only disagree where God is concerned, although we don't talk about our differences of faith. It's unimportant to our friendship and the love that we share.

I think I started to ramble. I didn't mean to but I just can't seem to explain myself right. Not on here, nor to his family. I can't explain how hard it is for me because Faith has never been a big issue in my life. I've had friends in so many different ones, but they all carried values that mattered to me: Loyalty, Courage, Honor, Integrity, Self-less Service, Duty and Respect. I don't care what others believe, and I doubt God would be that Hateful to people who carry these values at the core of themselves. Anyways, my in-laws disagree with most of what I've said before, which is basically what I wrote above. They don't understand how I can't see how "lost" I am, and I don't understand why they would think that. But when two different worlds meet, you can't help but have misunderstandings. I only pray that one day, we will be able to sit down and find ourselves looking past those differences, because as one human to another, from myself to you still reading, I don't think it matters nearly as much as we think it does.

Anyways, it's now 340 and I just spent an hour releasing thoughts from my worried mind. I wish I could talk to my in-laws like I can talk to my friends or even the "Moms" that have adopted me as part of their family. It would be nice to talk to my mother-in-law about kids or her son and how proud I am of him and how wonderful a man she raised. Maybe one day it will happen....

Good Night again.

Love,

Always and Forever,

Leah

Update on life.

Today I had the first of two major dental procedures that will fix my smile and make my life so much better. I am in pain right now but not as much as I would be without the welcome relief of Lortabs. Step 1 done, step 2 in two weeks.

The other day I started building a front garden to the house for a few reasons. One, curb appeal. To make the house welcoming from the street. Two, for practice. I want to practice different styles of gardens in the different places we live, so I can figure out how I want our real house to look.

We celebrated Valentine's Day yesterday. And we were all quite spoiled. Steve got us a beautiful hardwood dresser and he got me chocolates and two bouquets of wildflowers. I got him a set of baseball cards from 2011 (He's a collector). Lily got a robot puppy from us and Jax got a puzzle flower and two tractors and an egg that hatches a dinosaur from the show Dinosaur Train.

I found a book that I read as a child for my kindle and I've been immersed in it. Makes me glad that I've got it. So much easier to get books I want without searching high and low for them. :)

Anyways, off to lay down and relax. Just realized I hadn't updated in a while. Much love.

Leah
~*~