I'm finally going home

Goodbye, Canada. I'm done with you. You've brought me almost nothing good. Other than my two beautiful children, you have broken me almost beyond repair. I am just now coming back to life and it's because of an American man who brings the joy into my life.

Even in you

memory

The mirror has always spoken true, my reflection has never lied,
what could create such a state, a fragile smile with broken eyes?
Tear drops dripping down my face, in the quiet restful sleep,
a simple dream about a boy that died and broke my heart plays within my mind.
He stole my smile for quite a while, I'm older now than he was then.
I've had a long, long time to think, he was always so much surer.
Then forever was that much weaker.
I close my eyes to recall-illusions from my psyche.
It thrilled my heart to embrace his smile, made my soul fly to hear his laugh,
which rang out strong and true.
It's been too long, a while, an unfair reality.
My skin is set ablaze by his hand on my cheek.
My face feels like a fire when he gave me one last kiss,
a sad look within his eye and a vague knowing nod, he turns from me.
Heartache painfully renewed, my eyes find my own and I stare into myself.
My heart and mind are racing, why now echoes within and out.
Close my eyes and fight him away.
A wasted life, lost youth and a never-was memory.
Once a year I dream about him.
It's good to hear his laugh, nice to see his smile,
but in the morning, I'll push him back, inside that dark and hidden tomb.
Rest in peace for another year, we'll meet again soon, my dearly departed friend.


Written in the memory of Marcus Shawn Ledford. 10 years after his suicide took him from my life but couldn't tear him from my heart.

Start of deployment

Right now, I feel good. I feel good knowing that you care about me. I feel good knowing that you will give me a chance. I feel good knowing you see me for what I am, not what they say I am. I feel good when you send me cute songs to tell me how much you care, because you don't know how I'll react if you tell it to me face up.

I want you to know that I like you so much. I want it to be us. Us two against the universe. I want you to know that each time I go to bed a picture of your face is stuck in my mind. I want you to know that when I'm playing with the kids or watching tv or packing for the move you're in my mind all of the time. I want you to know that right now – you are the reason I'm staying up til 4 in the morning.

I think I'm falling in love with you. It feels good.

I know a year is a long time and that's crazy. But I have a good feeling about you. I hope you feel the same. Stay safe over there.  

 

To my ex

It's done. It's been done for a few months now. How did it end? If I recall correctly it was me realizing you just didn’t care about me. No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough and I finally figured out that there was nothing I could do. After that, you thought you would get your revenge by claiming you liked someone else, some dumb girl you barely knew, but who I know is so much like me, it’s twisted. Well your plan worked. It broke my heart. Even though I had wanted to end it, knowing you weren’t with me even while we were still together killed me. I was shattered into a million little pieces, and thought there was nothing in the world that could put me back together.

But something did. It was my new found self confidence. When I realized I deserved so much better than you, the pieces very slowly began to reassemble. And then I began noticing. That more and more guys would smile at me, try to talk to me, give me compliments. That made the pieces come together more quickly. The best part about it was, I never needed to get revenge in order to become whole again. Hurting you wouldn't make me feel any better, because I simply didn't care about you anymore. You broke my heart, made me feel like shit, and then did it again. Now all I see are those wasted months with you, the time spent waiting for you to show you cared.

 

So now I'm putting that last piece back together. I've found someone who cares, a man who embodies all the qualities I dreamed of as a little girl, before you and the others hurt me. And I am falling in love with him every day. And there is no doubt in my mind that you are completely gone. I don't ever think about you when I'm with him. There are no lingering thoughts about us in my head, about "what could have been". This isn't one of those stories where I realized I've always still loved you. No. In fact, I don't know if I ever loved you, because now that I know what true love is, I know what I felt when I was with you sure as hell wasn't this.

So in a sense my happiness is my sweet little revenge.