I am made of love and dreams. I am made of hope and heartache. I am made of flesh and blood. I am made to be a mother. I am made to be a wife. I am made to be a leader in the fight for others. I believe I am made to be whatever I wish to be.
Today I am dreaming… My son turned 3 today and he’s so much a little boy, the idea of it alone seems fantastic and absurd. It seems as only yesterday he was in my arms for the first time, but, no, it’s three years since the morning he was born after intense labor and my anger issues out of control for the last hour of that. I remember cussing out the nurses and calling them names, I remember telling everyone in the room that I hated them and that I couldn’t do it. But at 5:45am, my son, Jaxon Michael Ray, was born into the world. He was placed into my arms and I breathed in his newborn scent and kissed him for the first time. My second-born but my first-born son, my angel. I was never more blessed then that moment, when I had not only my amazingly beautiful daughter, but also a son, strong and healthy, with all the potential to be anything he dreams…
My dreams for my son are not so fantastic, but may be more detailed than most. I’m not sure. I dream of my son growing up, proud to be an American boy, proud to be a Hero’s grandson as well as an Army brat. I dream of him playing football and finding his place on the field. I dream of him earning a scholarship and playing for Texas A&M until Graduation. I dream of him either playing for the NFL and hopefully the Redskins, but I’d bend to the Giants or Bears. If that doesn’t happen, I dream of him becoming an Officer in the American Military, either the US Army or the USMC. Don’t get me wrong, the USAF and USN are great, but I see my son as more of a fighter than someone who would sit behind a desk or fix things. He’s destructive and constructive, he’s brave and unafraid of anything already. I see so much potential for him to lead and become someone of great importance. It would be my absolute pride to raise a US Soldier or Marine. Nothing would make me more proud.
Obviously, West Point is often on my mind for his college career. I don’t know what it would take but I’m starting to think about it. I want him to be successful as a person, as a student, as a leader of men. I want him to be happy and to continue to be fearless. It is his fearlessness that I most admire. I dream of him becoming someone of great strength and admirablity. Perhaps I am selfish, but my dreams for him are something I cannot control. I love my son and see the most amazing things.
My dreams for my daughter are different. I see her being more of a free spirit, which could be very concerning. She loves to draw and paint, she’s creative, she loves to dance and sort-of sing. I imagine she could play soccer and be really good at that. I did. I also think she could probably do something musical if she wanted. I know she’s got so much potential as well.
My kids are my hope for the future. If I can raise two good, kind and decent human-beings, that would be my absolute lowest expectation. I want more for them. I want… no, I need them to be better than me. I have messed up so much in my life and my past is riddled with dark mistakes, but I have never broken my moral code or my own rules. Still, I don’t have rules for everything, so sometimes, I still mess up. And I want them to learn from my mistakes. I think I need them to. They deserve better than I ever had, or even feel like I deserve sometimes. I have issues.
Anyways, I’m proud to have a son like mine. I hope he gets to have everything he dreams of, even if his dreams don’t match mine. I’ll be ok with that, as long as he’s happy.
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