Love in randomness

I love this one :) It's so beautiful, makes me want to do that!

I really wanted to punch people when they asked me if I missed Steve! No shit, he's halfway across the world in a war zone!!  Pretty much all I wanted to say.

I love that sound!

Haha, too true.

Perfect quote for the Army Life

And he's fighting for every freed citizen of the US, Canada, Britain, Australia and our allies.

Books = adventures

LOVE

I need this tattooed on my forehead.

I am ALWAYS me.

True story.

Trust in the Lord.

sad, but true.

Dedicated to my HUSBAND! I love you, Steve!

Ah, this is true love, like the love I share with my handsome husband!!!

I prayed for Steve, when my ex broke my heart, did you know that?

And my Soldier is the SEXIEST of all :)

LOOK AGAIN!

I love this picture and the song!

Seriously, ladies and gents, can't we please learn this? 

OPSEC means no DATES, no TIMES of arrivals to anywhere, to location when in a dangerous place,

no leave dates or times, no destinations, nothing that could be risky for the enemy to know.

Steve, Lily and Jax are always with me, but I must make decisions for myself, always.

Love NEVER fails :)

It makes me giggle

And for some strange reason, Steve does!

He makes my heart beat faster!

Love in the Military life should NEVER be taken for granted,

but then again, no LOVE should ever be.

:)

So true, and that's why I do!

:) 

And I always pray that I am a good one.

Always do more that makes you happy!

Books = LOVE

To my babies and my husband!

Always

This is why I run Recruited ByLove

Seriously! Look at how amazing you are!

And I always do what I'm told I can't do!!

Please, have faith in me :)

Take a chance, at least one!

John Lennon was a genius. 

RIP JL

AND I CAN!!!

I have always loved Disney!

The Lion King has always had some of my favorite quotes!

Trust life.

My future will always have Steve in it.

I am a whole made up the some of my experiences.

Love travels!

:) This is me.

Strength of a Military wife

Damn skippy!

We would be soooo afraid to be mean!

I love you, Meg and Liz.

Finally, a good boring day!

I am a writer, at least I hope I am. I know being a blogger isn't the same thing but it's something. Not to mention that I've been attempting to write a novel for quite a while now. Sometimes I barely think I've written anything but then others I feel accomplished. But what Sylvia Plath said, how you can never write anything the way you want to, it's true...

Anyways, today was rather uneventful, thankfully. I woke up to Beau, as I normally do, and he'd broken a soya sauce bottle (bad dog!) and my son had spilled his cereal bowl. So I cleaned all that up, relaxed most of the morning and did some laundry. Today was a good day for the relaxing. I needed it considering the amount of pain I've been in lately.

Other than that, I just hung out with my babies (all four of them), watched Crossing Jordan on Netflix (still am) and continued reading City of Bones on my kindle. It's been a very good day in my book, a much needed good day. Every day has had something bad in it... last week was the infuriating army wife drama and my dental surgery and this week was finding out the dentist made a mistake and having to endure a rather awful day. So today being restful and relaxing was appreciated.

Tomorrow Luna and Beau have a vet appointment, which Steve is taking them to. For Luna, she needs her shots and her microchip. Beau needs a few other things. He needs to be dewormed, his shots, his microchip and I need to find out his exact age and to see if the 40 or so ticks that we've found (we found a few the other day and gave him another tick treatment) have done any damage to him.

I did discover that Beau definitely loves me and has no inclination to run off anymore. He likes when I let him out in the yard and when he comes in he gets treats. :) He also loves to sit on my feet during the day and he always lays near me at night. It's really sweet. And tonight, when I went to check on an injured cat (I heard it howling and Steve had mentioned that he'd passed one while walking Beau but it didn't seem hurt at the time, it wasn't there), he'd gone out to the front of the house and waited for me. Steve said he didn't even try to run. :) :)

Love,
Leah

PS. Photos above are too cute not to share. :)

I need Books in my life

I have made it my personal Goal to read 150 books in 2012. So far I've read 32 and on the 33rd Novel. Part of my Goal includes 25 classics.

The classic novels that I've added to my list include:

1. The Art of War by Sunzi
2. Crime and Punishment by Pyodor Dostoyevsky
3. The Illiad by Homer 
4. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
5. The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux
6. The War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells
7. The Divine Comedy by Dante Aligheri 
8. The Social Contract by Rousseau
9. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

I'm not sure what else I'll add to the list but I figure 125 fun Novels will be good to read including the 32 I've already managed to knock out. See, books for me are like mini-vacations. I'm addicted to books. I can't even say for sure how many books I've read in my life. There have been so many fun novels and so many classics in that list too. I have been reading as long as I can remember, even before I can. I remember reading Matilda and Time Cat and The Odyssey to a thousand others, at least. 

I don't think I could get through life without books. I'd rather go deaf than blind because as much as I love music and I love it almost as much as books, I am a visual arts person. From designing my garden to writing poetry to reading books, to painting pictures to dying my hair bright red and doing my makeup differently than most girls, to the clothes I wear. I enjoy being a creative person and if I lost my hearing that would be ok because it wouldn't affect me nearly as much, but my sight, my vision, that would put me in an artless world. 

Anyways, I finished the two Clockwork books over the past two days, and now I'm debating which book I'll read now: The Art of War or The Illiad or maybe I'll read Ruby by V.C. Andrews or City of Bones by the same author as the Clockwork books. We'll see. I'm going to sleep now, the pain in my head is still pretty intense. 

Just a thought

Dentists suck

So I finally found out why I have had a much harder time with this last surgery and it's because the dentist left half a tooth in my gums where he was supposed to extract. Yea, what a guy! The worst part is I wasn't even premeded when he poked me seven times with a needle to numb me up and I have a severe phobia of needles.

See, most people look at my tattoos and assume I can take needles but what un-tattooed people fail to realize is that tattoos aren't really needles, they are more of a needle pen, like a safety pin scratching at a few lays of skin and putting dye in it's place. And for all seven of my tattoos, including my rib piece, none of them hurt quite as badly as having seven needles inserted into my mouth stone-cold-sober. I cried. I'll admit it, I broke down and had a serious cry, right there in the dentist chair while they waited for the numbing to set in. Finally after two hours, I was free to go home with more stitches (this time the dissoluble kind) and just as much pain as last Monday, which seriously hurt like hell. I'm in alot of pain but to make matters worse::

We left Beau alone at the house for the first time and he made a horrible mess of things. He broke my two ornamental glass pepper jars (the ones where the peppers are stored in vinegar) causing my kitchen to reek, tore apart some blinds in my bedroom, killed my fish (Rest in peace, Brodeur and Rudy, I'll get your "sons" when we move) and broke my alarm clock. I was furious, of course and put him in the kennel for over an hour while I cleaned. You can bet your ass that the next time we leave the house, that is exactly where he is going.

I want to keep Beau still, nothing could really change my mind there, but I won't have a dog ruining my home or my things, that is where I have to draw the line, but if I can prevent his treacherous behavior in the future, I have no problems with keeping him. After all, the guilt of putting him into a shelter would be far too great.

Anyways, Steve feels pretty bad for me today, knowing I got no sleep last night and knowing I have a showing in about 10 minutes on the house and feeling the way I do. He was sweet and took the kids to the park so I could just deal with Beau and Luna and still that seems like alot when I add the fact that I'm not comfortable with strangers being in my house at all. Especially when all I want to do is crawl into bed and hide from the world. I am desperate to go to sleep and get out of pain.

Anyways, that's all for now.

Leah.

Weekend of March 8th

Well this weekend has been interesting to say the least. Steve and I finally managed to have a decent talk and it only took him blowing up over the smallest thing.

I know we love each other and I know we are both stressed out and worried about everything that has been going on, each for our own reasons. The thing is, we don't fight. I know that sounds made up but for us, it's really true. I think we've had two or maybe three fights in our entire two years together. We have disagreed and one of us has been mad at the other but we've never really had a fight that results in me crying because he's a jerk... but this weekend we did and although we made up, the fact that we have fought at all hurts and makes me question how people bounce back from that first serious fight. How do you pretend that the person you love didn't say all those awful things? How do you pretend that you didn't hear them, that they didn't cut your heart?

You see, we're different when we get mad or are stressed. I talk about everything. I make sure that my feelings are known unless I'm not sure, then I think about it until I am and let people know after. Steve is different. He holds it in until he starts saying things that cut little by little. And I, often let the little comments go, but when he blows up... like he did, I first fight back and then when I'm on the verge of saying something I don't mean, saying something hurtful, I stop myself. I walk away until I've cooled down. Now whether or not he meant what he said, which I don't believe he did, the words are still stuck in my head... the argument was unfair and he was actually mean.

Part of why I fell in love with Steve, part of why I married him is how we have always been able to talk things out before we fight. In fact, before this, I would say he was entirely incapable of fighting or saying mean things, but now I know that's not true. Now I know he forces himself not to. I love him, with all my heart and I've never loved someone more than I love him. But today, it made me realize that I married a man who does share some qualities I hated in others, but the key to me still loving him as much as I always have was also realizing that he doesn't want to be like that and 99.9% of the time, he's not, but today that .1% came out and reared it's very ugly head.

Steve and I ended up talking about it after, once he realized he was wrong and that all the things he said were unfair, unwarrented and uncalled for. He apologized and told me he loved me and that he would try to let me in before he got to that point again. A part of me still wonders how he even got there. I have known for a while that he was stressed out and try as I might to get him to talk, he just wouldn't. I begged him to talk to me on Saturday night and he finally said some things and while they hurt me, I was relieved because he was talking. I knew he was exhausted so I made him finish what he was doing for the house and sent him to bed while I stayed up and deep cleaned the majority of the house.

Sunday morning, I woke up to him being mad and overwhelmed. The only thing I hadn't managed to get done was the dishes but that's because I'd taken a long hot shower at about 3am and was exhausted and couldn't finish. I'd cleaned the livingroom and the kitchen, including under the stove and the laundry room in addition to doing most of the laundry in the house, I'd left the dishes to be done in the morning, right before we showed the house since everything else was done, the kids rooms had been cleaned during the day and our room has been clean for a while (surprise!) so I figured one quick thing in the morning, no big deal. Well, he blew up and said hurtful things, mostly about how I didn't do what I was supposed to do and that he shouldn't have gone to bed because clearly I needed his help along with a few other things. I finally told him all that I did and he said "I'm sorry but..." For me, that means I'm not sorry because... I went outside and ignored him as I cried. I got dressed and made sure the kids beds were made before we had to leave the house (we had a house showing at 1130).

I really didn't talk to him until after we'd gone to the park with the kids and Beau (who is doing better by the way, very happy and healthy). I had taken my camera and took pictures of the kids and him and Beau. Halfway through we sat down and just talked. He apologized for going off on me, saying that he realized how he was wrong and that he was thankful for all I got done. I told him I needed him to talk to me before he did something like that again because I'm just as stressed out and I don't want to be mad at him, he's my best friend.

The day got better from there. We put Beau in the back of the truck and got the kids in and went and got Crawfish and Shrimp for lunch. It was good. After we ate lunch, it stormed bad and flooded our backyard, luckily that drains into the street so it wasn't bad. We all took a nap and relaxed. Dinner came and went and I fell asleep really early causing me to be awake at 1am and now it's 4am.

We have the movers coming in 4 1/2 hours, I have my follow-up dental appointment (thank God, the pain is worse than before) and then the kids have to get shots (oh that'll be fun). Beau and Luna (who are fortunately getting along now) have their vet appointments on Wednesday morning. Beau is getting dewormed (we've noticed they haven't gone away yet) along with his shots and Luna is getting her shots and scheduled for a neutering. Both are getting microchipped. Thursday, Lily has dance class, which I'm glad for, because she loves it.

There's only 22 days until we leave, but the good news is that the people looking at the house seemed to like it and we're hoping for an offer this week. Wish us luck. That'll make my husband alot less stressed and will make my life so much easier.

Anyways, I should try for a couple more hours of sleep. Hopefully, Steve and I are back to good terms, if I could only get what he said out of my head, because I know he's sorry but I know myself and once the words are there, once they resemble ghosts of boyfriends past, I tend to keep them and how they hurt me to myself. I know he doesn't read my blog because he says he doesn't have to, but sometimes I wish he would, because when weakness strikes I find myself more comfortable to telling strangers than I do telling the one person I love more than anything how he has hurt me.

Anyways, I'm out.

22 more days.

What I know about Beau

I keep learning more and more about Beau. Here's the things I know for sure:

1. Beau is a Great Pyrenees, if not purebred almost pure
2. He's 130lbs and 35 inches or so tall
3. He likes Milkbones and Beggin' Strips
4. He likes Ol'Roy strips in Gravy dogfood
5. He can open my livingroom window if it's cracked
6. He likes to sleep between my bedroom and the bathroom with the bathroom window open so the cool air comes in. 
7. He likes to bark at my cat, Luna and gets scared when she takes a swipe at him.
8. He loves to be pet and will hit you if you stop petting him before he wants you to.
9. He likes his main coat to be brushed but doesn't like when his legs are.
10. He hates baths.
11. He likes to push himself into your legs and touch you.
12. If he wants your attention while he's sleeping, he will either step on you, jump on you or breathe heavily in your face.
13. He doesn't mind being used as a pillow.
14. He chews if he's left locked in a room.
15. He will steal human food like strawberry loaf cakes and will chew the container to get to it.
16. He doesn't have cheese farts.
17. His paws are the size of my palms. 
18. He has an extra toe on each of his back paws, a sign of his breed. 
19. His tail can be straight or curly, depending on his mood.
20. He can hop my fence. 
21. He drinks out of the toilet (EWW!)
22. He doesn't beg for food.
23. He doesn't pull on the leash when he's walked (even though he could easily overpower me and get away).
24. He doesn't like time-out. 
25. He trusts me and loves me but my husband still has to earn his trust and love.
26. ... to be continued. 

A sad and boring day

Today wasn't very exciting, but I'm pretty glad for that. It wasn't very good either, which seems like has been happening too much lately.

It started off okay enough. Beau woke me up by stepping on me while I was in bed and then Steve woke me up by yelling at Beau for chewing on one of Lily's toys. Frustrating but he's just getting comfortable. It'll take him a little longer than three days to learn the house rules.

After I got up, Steve and I talked about random stuff and he went to work, only to come home a little while later because he forgot his phone. We had coffee together and talked about what we have to do this weekend. Too much.

Beau and Luna have been fighting today which is frustrating too. Luna hisses at him and Beau barks at her, causing her to take a clawed swipe at him. At least, she's not mad at me for bringing the dog into our home... A part of me thinks Steve is not so happy about it.

After he left again, it was almost lunchtime for the kids so I fed them lunch, played around on RBL asking very random questions. The reason I ask the questions in case someone doesn't know and is one of my members reading this: I love getting to know you. I love knowing that you each have these lives that are worth knowing about. I read the answers and I give my own. It's a good thing for me because I am often alone at home during the day with only my children and Steve has homework or other work to get done at night, so I'm pretty bored sometimes and having the connection with others is nice. :)

I also talked to one of my best friends today, which was nice. We talked about how she might be getting a dog soon (she's been wanting one just like me and might have found the perfect fit). And about what happened yesterday and how I've worked to resolve that.

Later, when Steve came home from work, he brought me my prescription (it had run out and I'm still in pain from the surgery, so I called to get more and he picked them up) and had bought me ice cream :) Then we watched an episode of the TROOP where I was an extra back in 2009 or so. It was pretty cool to see myself on TV. I've never watched anything I've extra-ed on before.

But then Beau escaped the yard (he's been kind of bullheaded today and been frustrating both Steve and I, but I'm sure I have more patience for him than Steve does) and I had to run to get him. Then I told Steve that he had to put his tools somewhere besides the top of our extra-large dog kennel (for timeout for Beau, it had originally been the puppy we got last summer's training cage but he died of Parvo after only a week) so we could put Beau in when he did something bad, a nonviolent form of discipline. He got irritated with me and then started moving stuff around.

Needless to say I went into the bedroom, where I am now writing this blog because I'm frustrated completely. I don't like when Steve and I are like this. We are best friends most of the time but after the past week, we're both completely frustrated and instead of talking, he gets quiet and moody and acts like there is nothing wrong, which I know there is and when he does that I get mad and ignore him. I know, childish, but it's better than fighting,  and even though I know we'll probably talk it through soon, it's bothering me that I can't talk to him right now.

So now I'm about to go to bed, close my door, turn on Crossing Jordon on Netflix and read my book until sleep mercifully takes me into the dreamland where everything is stress-free and where things are good. At least, I hope so. I hope there are no nightmares tonight. ... there were last night.



24 days until we PCS and I can't wait.

Love,
Leah

Drama never stops

So today was a bad day. I won't go into too much detail but I had more bullshit petty army wife drama to deal with. It was the same shit I had to go to Family advocacy about. The worst part is that I just had my surgery on Monday so I was in pain and then when people I didn't want at my house showed up, I was scared (and pain and fear = anger for me), so I got mad and used my anger to make me feel stronger. And since I was angry, I wasn't open to what was happening and might have made things a tiny bit worse than I intended. The only good part was that my husband came home and we had all our ducks in a row. He helped me calm down and answer all these people's questions. I was so angry though and basically went off on this woman for being cold-hearted (She told me that my surgery or the pain I was feeling didn't matter, her words). They told me that I have to take my kids to see a doctor. Well, you dumbass bitch, I do that anyways, like on Monday when they have shots again! I also have an appointment for my daughter in Alexandria on March 20th!  When they finally left, I broke down. I cried and hugged Beau. Steve took Lily to dance class and promised to bring home pizza for dinner. After he left, I called my best friend and told her what happened. She was with me in spirit, because sadly, she's too far away to be here in person. I'm so glad I was able to talk to her about the whole thing. I wouldn't be able to handle all that has been going on without her or Steve. Between the two of them, they keep me going and keep me smiling (along with my babies, all four of them :P)

See, Steve and I make a great team in anything we do. Where I'm over-emotional, he's calm and steadfast. Where I am more creative, he's more practical. And today, his calmness was necessary and my anger was an obstacle.



What I don't understand, and probably never will, is the extent of how truly low people get. I mean, I should know by now it happens, but for some reason, that always escapes me. Maybe I'm too naive or maybe I have just seen so much evil that I search for the good in everyone and that one good quality I find, blinds me to the reality of them. After all, I was kidnapped, I was abused, I have gone through emotional pain that I wouldn't wish on anyone. My biological father kidnapped me and abandoned me with strangers just to keep me from my mother, but she didn't treat me any better than he did when I was finally given back to her (after almost 4 years).  I was an abused child, beaten and emotionally torn apart by my mother. I was the pawn in a war between my grandmother and her. My father (my step-father, but real father of my heart) was the only person who gave me love in my house as a child and he didn't know until my late teens what was going on and by then, he was a full-blown alcoholic, incapable of stopping it. I was beat by a boyfriend or two (like I said in a previous blog, I've made mistakes) and I have been cheated on. I lost the only parent I ever had that loved me and have no connection to my biological parents at all.

Maybe the fact that I've seen so much bad, lived through so much hell, is the reason I never expect it anymore. Actually, I thought had ended when I married Steve. Maybe that was also naive to believe. But everything was so much better with him. He knew all my scars and he knew all my pain. He never used it against me or made me feel like it made me a bad person. If anything, he saw that my past makes me more compassionate, more willing to see the good in everyone, even people I don't like. He knows that I love animals because they aren't mean by nature, that I have to have a pet otherwise my heart hurts (yep, I really feel depressed without something to pet and love on and get unconditional love from). Luna became mine because my old cat (Riot) disappeared and I couldn't find her anywhere. I was so depressed. So he let me adopt Luna. When Beau came, he knew he wasn't getting out of us keeping him unless someone claimed him and no one has.

He knows that I can't even spank my kids because it makes me feel horrible. I never want to be my mother. I would kill myself first. Even the moments where I yell at them, I feel like I'm too much like her. I spend time with my kids. I encourage their activities. I want them to be themselves. I spoil them. I was never really spoiled by my mother and if it weren't for the fact that she was expected to let me have activities, she would have kept me home, locked up in my room. It was my dad who let me date (surprise!) and it was my Dad who took me shopping for clothes I actually wanted to wear. If she had her way, I would have only worn pink and white and dresses. I hated those colors and dresses until I was in my early 20s. I had such a horrible mother that I do everything possible to be better than her and to be more like my Gram.

My Gram is my inspiration of what a mother, what a grandmother and what a woman in general should be like. She's amazing. She's strong and stubborn and full of life (even in her 70s!) and wonderful. All of her kids love her, all of her grandkids love her. She's my grandfather's second wife and ever since I was about 7 or 8, maybe a little older, I've called her Gram. She's never treated me like I wasn't one of her Grandkids, even though she also hates my mother (it's something we both agree on, that she's a liar and crazy and not worth having in your life at all). She's a great cook, was a great wife to both her husbands (her first husband, Jack, died before I was born, I believe and is the father of her two sons and one daughter) and buried two husbands. She's so strong and honestly, there aren't words that can describe her. She'll yell at you, cuss at you, and tell you she loves you in the same conversation. She'll make the best fudge ever and spoil you with her food and then tell you why you aren't doing something right. She'll tell you not to screw it up when everything is going right.  She's still up early in the morning, helps my cousins watch their kids since they live close to her and makes time to talk to me at least once every couple of weeks, usually every week. I love her so much.

I've had this amazing inspiration on my life and she doesn't fit the normal mold for "Grandmother" at all. And I love that about her. I don't want her to be normal. I like who she is, and I want to be like her. In some ways, I am. I'm stubborn like her and I tell people like is like her. I hope in all ways I can be like her. It's my greatest wish. She isn't normal and that's what makes her perfect. :)

So because I have these great people in my life, from my husband, my perfect partner, my soulmate, my husband, to my best friends to my Gram, I have so many people watching to make sure that I am the best I can be. They make sure I'm a good mother, a good wife, they talk me down from the "I'm about to do something crazy/stupid/_fillintheblank_" place I can sometimes get and they encourage my happiness.

Plus I couldn't imagine ever hurting my children. WHO COULD HURT A CHILD?? And why would someone believe I would?!? But I know the truth, that petty wife, she doesn't actually believe I am neglecting my children (I have proof up the waszoo that I don't!), she just hates me enough and judges me based on the handful of times we've actually seen each other. That's what hurts the most. What kind of person does she think I am? Like her?? NOPE! And proud to be not only a better mother than she thinks, but clearly a better person than she is.

So today, I dealt with more shit that I wanted to and I can't sleep again because of it. The stress is eating at me and I really need a vacation but the good news is in 25 days I am out of this place and I can't wait!!!!


Anyways, I'm off to do something else. Good night.


PS. I hope that nothing I said tonight makes you think less of me, this is the honest truth of what I've been through, maybe not every detail but enough so you get the gist.


Update at 10:50am Friday Morning:::


I called BJach to make an appointment with Maj. Savage (their Pediatrician) and when they asked why I was blunt and told them... The nurse on the line told me You aren't the only one whose pissed off an army wife. I've been there. It made me feel better. She is going to call me back to see if I can just get an overview of Lily's last appointment to send to Family Advocacy and be done with it. :) Yay! I'm glad I'm not the only one who has pissed off a petty wife and I'm glad that people aren't being cruel about it or judging me instantly based on that. Yayness.

Petty Army Wife rant

I'm really beginning to think it's petty army wife month, between my own bullshit going on and others... Why is it that we can't all just either get along or accept our differences of opinion and act like adults?? I would never do what has been done to me and I can't even imagine why people do things like that to others. Maybe I'm too nice of a person and only get mad about things that matter to me, but if I say to leave me alone, that's all I mean. I won't bring it up to other people, or if I do, I won't use your name... that's how I am. I will tell my friends what's going on but leave names out of it just so I can vent to a friend. If others vent to me, I try to leave names out of it, but I don't like the petty bullshit and I'm done with it. Seriously, grow up and act like an adult instead of like we're all in high school. 

It bugs the hell out of me. And if I weren't who I am, I would drag this woman's name through the mud, out of hiding and blast her online. But I'm nice and above that. I really hate her and just want her in my past, a thought I never think about again. I even know when and where she works out (Steve told me) and if I wanted to confront her, which I really do badly, I would go there, but I won't because I know it would end badly and even my best friend told me not to. AND FYI my best friend doesn't even know this woman's name because I simply don't do that. If I can be above things like that and be raging mad like I am (shaking and furious) why can't everyone else?

So many people claim to want "World Peace" but honestly so many of those people who want peace or just to be out of war are the ones who cause the most drama. It bugs me so much. Especially people who use religion as why they can judge other people and spread lies about them.

I'm done, I'm over it and just want to say::

Yes I am loud and outgoing. Yes, I have tattoos and bright dyed raspberry red hair. I wear jeans and cowboy boots and tshirts with weird sayings on them. I don't meet anyone's expectations of what an Officer's wife should look like or act like, but guess what? My husband married me KNOWING who I am. He loves me, with all my tattoos, dyed hair, clothing style, attitude! He knows who I am and what I am and before anyone judges me based on my outer qualities, maybe they should get to know my heart...

I am the type of person who will help my worst enemy in their time of need. The type of person who volunteers to help animals or at risk youth, just so they'll have the hope of a better life. I am the kind of woman who will bend over backwards to do the right thing even if it hurts me.


The part that I wish EVERYONE could understand is that your behavior makes you who you are. NOT your beliefs, not your husband's rank, not how you dress or what clothes you wear or even your personality. It's how you act towards other people, those you like and those you don't like. It's how you act towards all living creatures that matters. 

We aren't in high school. We're in the Army life, the Military life and each one of us faces our own battles on a daily basis with this life. How is it that we can't just find it in each other to make peace with our differences, to move on and accept one another as we come? Why is it that we are worse than a bunch of high school girls and guys with all their cliques and bullying and drama? Why haven't we grown up? 

Act of Valor letter (FULL)

Big thanks go to Thumakia (one of my readers) for sending this to me!!! I'm so touched that you found the entire letter and sent it both to my blog and to my email. Thank you!!!

So here it is the full letter from Chief Dan to his best friend's unborn son:::

 Before my father died, he said the worst thing about growing old was that other men stop seeing you as dangerous...I've always remember that how being dangerous was sacred, a badge of honor. You live your life by a code. An ethos, every man does. It's your shoreline It's what guides you home and trust me you're always trying to get home. Your father was a reader, Churchill of course but also Faulkner and books about Tecumseh, he loved artists who painted people with bodies that looked like boxes, I'd give him hell about that he just say you gotta look harder, Look harder your father would say, I always knew he wasn't just talking about those boxy abstract paintings. There's threats everywhere in a world that's draped in camouflage. Your fathers grand father gave up his life flying a b24 in world war 2, he kept the liberator aloft just long enough for everyone to jump and then he went down with the plane. That's the blood coursing in your veins, Your father was my boss and I was his chief. What we knew about each others traits and our bond as operators. There's a brotherhood between us and we depended on each other more than a family. Tecumseh said although a single twig may break a bundle of twigs is strong.

Our platoon was headed downrange, we had Weimy our sniper he grew up in the middle of the Mojave desert, most excitement he had as a kid was bowling frozen turkeys down the isle at the grocery store. 

Ray our comms guy, our radio man. He grew up in east LA gangland. He had a silver star for pulling a wounded teammate out of a freight.

Sonny he was made of grannet, this guy didn't even do push ups because he was afraid his chest was gonna get too big.

Ajay joined the teams late in his 30's he had been a muay thai fighter all his life, before that he grew up dirt poor in Trinidad.

Mikey had 20 years in the teams, as humble as he was. You never even know him, he kept a picture of his wife in his helmet and a lock of her hair in his pocket, quiet as the breeze and finally senior chief miller, couldn't really tell you much about him other than I'd rather take a knife to a gun fight than have to be interrogated by him.

That last night at home you think about how you coulda been a better dad, a better husband, that bedtime story you shoulda read or that anniversary you forgot. You don't expect your family to understand what your doing, You just hope they accept it. When you get home you hope you can pickup right where you left off.

War is a country of will, theres no room for sympathy. If your not willing to give up everything...You've already lost.

Your father was a good man, growing up without him is going be hard its going to hurt. You'll feel alone, out to sea with no shore in sight you'll wonder why me, why him. Remember you have warriors blood in your veins, the code that made your father who he was is the same code that'll make you a man he would admire, respect. Put your pain in a box. Lock it down, like those people in the paintings your father liked we are men made up of boxes, chambers of loss, triumph, of hurt and hope and love. No one is stronger or more dangerous than a man who can harness his emotions, his past. Use it as fuel as ammunition as ink to write the most important letter of YOUR life. Before your father died he asked me to give you this poem by Tecumseh, I told him I'd fold it into a paper aeroplane and in a way...I guess that's what I'm doing, sailing it from him to you. 

So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion;respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.

Who am I?

I thought I'd fill all of you in on the biggest parts of my life, from who I am to how I got here... The good stuff mostly :) It's partly to help bring focus to myself on my own life. I've been down lately and am hoping to feel better soon.

So here goes. Who am I?

Well I'm Leah and I'm 24 years old. I am married to my amazing soldier, Steve, who is a Captain in the Army. I am the mother to two beautiful and wonderful children: my daughter, Lily, a five year old girlie-girl and my son, Jax, a three and a half year old boy who loves dinosaurs and cars. I have two gorgeous four-legged babies: my kitten (well more of a cat now) Luna and my dog (possibly a purebred Great Pyrenees) Beau.

I have made alot of mistakes in my life but my kids have never been one of them. I didn't choose the right man to have them with (if you can even call their biological father a man, sometimes I don't) but I love them more than anything and am so glad they are mine and in my custody.

Lily was born January of 2007, when I was 19. She was a hard pregnancy and a horrible labor but she came into the world with a full head of hair and gasolene eyes. Her hair and eyes have lightened up alot since she was born and now has dark chestnut brown eyes (like me) and dirty blonde/light brown hair. Her favorite things are dance class, her dolls, her dog and cat (she thinks our animals are hers), my husband (Daddy, in her eyes), her brother and me. Her favorite color is pink and she thinks she's a princess.

Jax was born June of 2008, when I was 20, almost 21. He was the simplest pregnancy ever, no morning sickness and a relatively easy labor. He was born with a full head of hair and dark gray eyes with green flecks. Like his sister, those changed. His eyes are now dark brown with flecks of green and his hair is the same as his sister's dirty blond/light brown. His favorite things are dinosaurs, cars, trains, dirt, Daddy, his sister and me.

My own father, who was my first hero, sadly died on October 27th, 2009 and left me broken-hearted and without a family. I loved my Daddy fiercely, as only a daughter can love a father. He was in the US Air Force, in the Special Ops. He spent his life fighting against evil men, teaching me the Military Values that would become so ingrained in me that no one measured up, except my husband. He was funny, kind, amazing. He spoiled me and loved me and took care of me. He did all the things a Dad is supposed to do and more. When he died, I lost so much more than just a Dad. I lost my white-knight, my Hero and my biggest supporter of all my dreams and hopes. In honor of his memory, I got a tattoo on my left calf (actually two) of his unit coin. On one side it says "305th Spec Ops" above a skeleton hand holding arrows and below it says "Darkness Brings Death". On the other side it says "Daddy" above a grim reaper standing in front of the tail of a C-141 and below it says "Sleep Tight". My Daddy's unit motto was "Darkness brings death, sleep tight."

My husband and I met in March of 2010. We were supposed to be pen-pals when he was originally going to deploy with a different unit. He didn't end up deploying but we ended up talking on a daily basis, exchanging texts and emails, building a relationship that we weren't even sure what the future held for it, if it even held anything. We became good friends.

Then in July of 2010, he and I met face-to-face and felt a strong connection. While we both agreed not to make promises until we were positive that we would be able to keep them, we swore that we would stay in touch and send letters while he deployed to Afghanistan. He still called me as much as he could, wrote me letters and I wrote him. Our connection grew as the time passed where we only got to know each other, finding that as each day passed, we thought of each other more and more.

 Finally in November of 2010, I swore that I would wait for him (although I hadn't dated anyone else while he was gone anyways). Also in November of 2010, I started Recruited ByLove, a facebook profile set up to be a support page and friend to other military girlfriends, wives and family members. (The way it's grown has blown my mind and I keep thinking of other ways to expand and make it something real and viable, something that will help not only the women on the page but others who have never even joined).

In January 2011, he came home for R&R and we spent all the time together we could, when we agreed that I would move to Fort Polk to wait for him and live in his house. From the time I lived in Louisiana til he came home, he and I dealt with everything together as much as we could with him being half a world away. I got things ready for his return and he helped me take care of things. We were serious about our future together. Talks of marriage and kids came up.

He came home from Afghanistan in August of 2011, and I was never happier about a man in my life. On post deployment leave, he brought me to Indiana to meet his family, the first time he's ever introduced someone to his family since he'd left home. They didn't like me for their own reasons (that mostly have to do with religious and cultural differences) but that doesn't really matter to me, the only thing that does is how my husband feels about me and he loves me.

After our post deployment vacation, we decided to get married as soon as we could. We started going to pre-marital counceling with his unit Chaplain (who also married us) and believe it or not, our Chaplain picked our wedding date (November 11, 2011).

He officially proposed to me on October 17th, 2011. The way he proposed was so wonderful. We had already picked out my ring (it's gorgeous) and had to have it shipped so I didn't get to wear it without an official proposal :). He took me to the training area of Fort Polk, where little "Afghan villages" are set up and the wild horses roam. I was petting a wild mare and softly talking to the mare when he approached me, got down on one knee and asked me "Leah Gose, will you be my wife?" Of course, I said yes. After all, that was my plan for so long :)

After a month of rushing around to finalize wedding plans and get it all set up, we were married in the Airborne Chapel on November 11th, 2011 (11-11-11) by our Chaplain with close friends and Steve's mother and one of his sisters present. It was a wonderful day and the day my life as the Captain's wife began.

Since we've gotten married, we adopted our cat, Lunatic, a beautiful black and white kitten, made improvements on our house (which we're selling to PCS soon), celebrated holidays, attended Army functions together, spent time as a family together. We have been through doctor appointments, dental appointments, family drama, and alot of other things. We also had our dog, Beau, show up out of the blue and make our family even more complete.

He spoils me rotten and makes my life perfect. Sure, it's not actually perfect. There's drama with petty army wives, frustrations from being in the Army life, bills to pay, things that have to get done, stress from PCSing, raising kids and every day stuff that tends to pile on faster than we can get it done. It's great though, because we are together for as long as we can.

And he encourages me. He encourages RBL and school and my artistic side. He loves that I create beautiful things, from my garden to poetry. He loves that I'm a good mother and that I care. He doesn't mind all my tattoos, or the fact that I want more. He doesn't mind that I dye my hair bright red because the idea of having natural hair bothers me. He doesn't mind that I am a bookworm who reads incessantly. He doesn't mind that I would rather wear cowboy boots and jeans than flip flops and shorts. He doesn't mind that I swear and have an attitude. He likes that I understand the military better than most girls he's ever been with. He likes that I can represent him at military functions and be his public face. He likes that I am a big-hearted softy when it comes to animals and people. He doesn't mind that sometimes I'm over-emotional. He loves me.

And I love him. I love how great he is with the kids. How he is such a hard worker, smart, funny, caring, wonderful, overall amazing. I love that he's getting his Master's degree soon. I love that he's strong enough to deal with things that I can't. I love that he has such a strong moral compass and doesn't deviate from his views, even if I disagree with them. I love that he has his own ways to have fun and I have mine. I love that we are close and that neither of us want to be with anyone else.

The fact is, my life is pretty great. I have these beautiful children who make my world a little bit more sparkle worthy. I have this great man that loves my kids like they are his own, that loves me with all his heart. A man who lets me keep animals as soon as I have my heart set on them. I love that he gave me everything I ever dreamed of and more. I have a beautiful cat who purrs almost every time I pick her up and cuddles with me when she has a chance. And now, I have this handsome dog, who isn't overly affectionate, but enough to know he loves me already.

I have friends that I love to talk to. My closest friends are Megan and Liz, who sadly live far away from me. Megan is in New Jersey and I introduced her to my friend, Eric, an enlisted soldier, who I met while being his pen-pal while he was in Iraq. They are so good together and every time I hear about how they are doing, a part of me feels so great. I was able to introduce a good couple to each other. Liz is in Florida and hasn't found anyone serious yet, but we go back a long time and know each other really well. Both of those girls are my sisters of the heart. I'm so lucky to have such great friends in them.

Our future holds a new post in less than two months, hopefully a baby, named Hunter or Willow, maybe a puppy in addition to Luna and Beau. Hopefully, I will have more friends, a more active social life and more things to be happy about in the future.

I am happy. I am in love. I am faithful, compassionate, loyal, loving. I have a big heart when it comes to kids and animals. I am untrusting when it comes to men and don't get along that well with women. I'm shy around new people and am one of those people where you either love me or hate me, there really isn't middle ground. I love music of all kinds. I love to watch TV on DVD or on Netflix rather than watch commercials. I love hockey and football, teams being the Jersey Devils and the Washington Redskins. I love to read and have already read almost 30 books this year alone (and it's only March 8th). I love to knit from time to time and I love to take pictures and edit them. I love to spend time with my family and I love to cuddle with my pets. I love when my husband takes me to dinner and I love when we all go out together. I love when everything is going good and nothing is going wrong.

And most of all, right now I just am happy to be alive, despite the stress... Sometimes I have to go over the past couple of years to see how great my life really is... I'm a lucky girl.

Love,
Leah

Beau and Luna

Beau and Luna out in the backyard together today:::

Luna was not happy she has a dog in her domain.

Beau chilling on the top of the hill, happy as a pup :)

Smiles :)

Luna watching Beau like a hawk

Stare down

Glares from Luna

The most beautiful picture of Beau

"Hey Mom, I'm happy now"

Look at that beautiful coat!

Walking around cautiously

Watching Luna

Sniffing the ground near Beau

chasing Luna

Climbing a tree to get away from Beau

"What are you doing up there?"

"Hiding from you!!"

"Alright then" 

Thus their relationship is born. Beau and Luna are the two most adorable fur-faced babies. I am already in love with these two. Luna I've had for six months, Beau for a little over a day. :)

Stress, pain, Beau

Well, it's another day in my life. And it seems that lately things have just been so stressful that when good things happen, it doesn't keep me elated for long before the stress returns. I am twenty-four years old, will be 25 later this year. I am married, I am a mother of two. I have two pets (as of now) not including fish. I am PCSing in less than a month with my family. I have a few more appointments that are absolutely necessary before we leave, three of which are an hour away from home. I now have vet appointments to make for my pets, recovery time which isn't going well or smoothly. My husband doesn't seem like himself which is making me feel down also.

Life is just hard. I try to make it a little easier, by doing good things. Like taking Beau in as a member of our family. Like donating to one of the causes RBL is asked to help (this one for a MG walk for the cure). I try to keep positive and spread good karma around so it will return to me, but then bad things happen and I get stressed far more than normal. And I am stressed beyond what I should be at this moment.

I've heard it said that moving is one of the most stressful things a person does. It's probably true considering my anxiety levels right now. Even my husband's "random searches" for items are getting to me. Like he'll ask me if I know where something is when I am clearly doing something, and I tell him "just a minute" and he'll keep looking, making me feel pressured to stop what I'm doing and get him what he's looking for. He's done it to me three times today alone and I just want to snap at him. Like, seriously? I'm already in pain and he has to pressure me to do things for him because he can't wait 2 minutes for me to finish a task and move on.

Update on Beau:::
His ticks are falling off (which is a HUGE relief) and he's eating properly, going to the bathroom and doing all that the way he should. He's also really good on the leash, really loving and just a big lapdog. I did discover that he'll chew my windowsill if he's left alone in a room and the door is shut. Grrr, since we are selling our house in less than a month and now that has to be fixed. But oh well, other than that, he seems to be doing much better and I'm grateful for that.

Anyways, I'm tired and still in pain, hoping to get some rest tonight, but the kids are loud right now and won't quiet down (to be fair, Daddy and Beau are exciting to be around for them). I'm hurting and in desperate need of sleep and freedom from pain.

Love,
Leah

Insomnia

Insomnia. It's a horrible thing sometimes. Right now, I'm sitting on my bed, not even under the covers, with Beau sleeping at the foot of my bed (on the floor, because I'm not sure I got all the fleas or ticks and don't want any of those on me). I just spent the past hour or so fixing my "labels" for the blog, I always manage to forget to label as I'm writing so I had to go back over nearly 300 posts and delete some and label the rest. I got rid of most of the ones about my exes, because quite frankly, I don't want to remember those times later. Steve is sleeping in the livingroom with Luna because I can't take her hissing at Beau constantly. Beau pretty much leaves her be (even though she could be a snack to him, he's huge!) but she stalks him and hisses when he comes too close. She's not thrilled that I brought a dog into her domain. Oh, well! I'm watching Vampire Diaries on Netflix, because I'm that bored. It's almost 3am and I haven't slept at all. I almost fell asleep when Beau got on the bed and I had to get him off. He's such a big boy who wants to cuddle but I can't let him until I'm positive he's healthy. So tomorrow, I call the vet to make an appointment for both animals. Random thoughts spin through my mind. The stress from that unfounded complaint, the PCS, the whole selling the house thing, Beau, Luna, the kids, my husband, the Army... it's all so overwhelming and I need a relaxing time.

Steve and I were talking what we'd do on our leave between here and Fort Leonard Wood... We decided we'd go camping for most of the duration. Rent a cabin with the kids and the animals, go fishing, go hiking, enjoy some quality time together. It'll be good for us, all of us. Then when we get to Fort Leonard Wood, I have a lot of stress when I get there.

It's just so much stress. When will it go away so I can sleep a full night without it being drug induced (as in sleep aids, not anything harder).

But I am happy. My kids are thrilled to have a dog, I am thrilled to have Beau here. Steve is ok with it because he knows it makes me happy even though he's not so thrilled by the vet bills and the move with a dog, but hey, he loves when I'm happy and is happy when I'm happy, so that helps.

Anyways, time to try for sleep again. Exhausted and am really hoping I get some.

Love,
Leah

Beau

Well, my day got better. Let me just say this::: No matter what, animals, especially dogs always make my heart feel better when I'm feeling very sad and very stressed.

Today, I saw an unfamiliar dog to the area wandering around, I had my husband whistle for him and he came over, we gave him some treats and put him in the yard so we could call animal control and see if someone was looking for him, but animal control was closed. Upon closer inspection of this dog, I discovered ticks, loads of them. So my husband, being the wonderful man he is, went to the store and bought flea-tick shampoo, spray and treatment and a deworming pill packet, just in case. When he came home, we fought to give the dog a bath, discovering even more ticks. We finally had him washed down really well and let him out of the tub, he shook himself all over my bathroom, my hallway, my livingroom before finally making it to the yard. We dried him off with a towel, and then started pulling the ticks out, I lost count around 20. I told my husband that I didn't think he belonged to someone because underneath all of his fur, he was boney and he has a limp. To be honest, I think he's old, like around 8 or so, and I think someone just ditched him. So after we plucked as many ticks as we could find, we sprayed him down with the treatment, then gave him the monthly packet that goes on his neck, fed him the two tablets for deworming, gave him food and water and let him inside. He'll need more baths over the next few days, and possibly a groomer in addition to a vet.

Even if he does belong to someone, the sheer neglect he suffered is enough to make me say that he is NOT going back to them. And he can't go to a shelter, he's too old and too big, no one would adopt him. So we are taking him in.

And here he is, now officially Boudreaux "Beau" :::

and Lunatic's reaction to him lol

Update on Yesterday

Well, let me start this by saying that I am still in pain from my surgery yesterday and still frustrated by that particular army wife who made a false complaint against me.

This morning, I woke up at 830 (after me up and down all night) to the realtor being here to take pictures. I quickly went and made my bed and the kids' beds and made sure my room was neat and organized. After that, I checked my messages to find out I had to go to this meeting with the caseworker too, just to clear myself from the accusations made against me. That went well, considering the amount of pain and aggravation I was feeling. The accusations were this: That my daughter is too small, that they need to see a dentist, that they "smelled funny". I know for a fact who did it now, after hearing those. Firstly, let me say that I am tiny, at five2 and one hundred pounds (seriously, it's less than that right now but that's my average), why wouldn't my daughter be smaller? Secondly, both my kids have been to see a dentist and Lily has her major appointment on the 22nd. Jax has nothing severe and is waiting until after we PCS (no biggie). Thirdly, my daughter sprayed both her and her brother down with a perfume that even I find stinks awfully. So there was no real claim made. It was entirely bullshit.

After hearing that we probably wouldn't have to deal with it again, I was relieved but still upset by this wife in question. A million ways to get revenge ran through my mind but I'm too moral for some and others are just worthless.

Now my kids and I are home, my husband went back to work and we are sitting here after lunch (the kids ate, I couldn't yet) watching the Lion King and relaxing. My pain killers are kicking in so after the movie the kids will go for a nap and I will fully unwind.

All of this shit that's been going on makes me really despise how gossipy and just plain ignorant some wives are. I love my girls on RBL but honestly, if it had been one of them who had made the complaint, I probably would have deleted them right away, cutting them off from a great support group, because I'm just that mean. I am a mother and I'm so protective of my young. Don't mess with them ever.

UPDATE on the Update:::

So my husband had a meeting with his commander and told him what was going on. Except the way I think it happened was by telling whoever that I had a problem with a wife and this was her revenge. I'm seriously sick of this shit. I feel like one person is causing so many problems, none of which I deserve. I got mad at my husband because the words he told me made me think he just made it seem all on my part and it's not even true... (see Don't Wear His Rank for what happened there) and now he seems to be taking the Army's side and just saying it doesn't matter at all who did it. Then he tried to say that the accusations were the same as if someone had accused me of abusing a herd of goats! Really? That's so not the same thing. These are my kids! I went through 9 months of pregnancy for each one and the hardships of being a single mother. I seriously don't even see how he could say that was the same thing but it's not. I have gone through so much to take care of them and I've done nothing wrong. I don't need some arrogant bitch saying things about me that are untrue and there is nothing I can do other than my best and having my husband is great but sometimes I feel like the Army gets more of his loyalty than I do. I know, I know... if the Army wanted him to have a wife, they would have issued him one, but I am willing to sacrifice almost anything for his career, but not my children, never my children. I'm sorry, but I can't even go there. I love them more than life itself, they are my future, his future, our future.

I'm just upset and angry at this bullshit. It's not fair and I don't deserve to go through it.