God if you're listening please

Dear God, if you're listenin please

This is me, prayin for him

I'm all right so don't worry 'bout me

My Hero's fighting a fight so far away

I worry each passing day

So God if you're listenin please

This is me prayin for him

Protect him and keep him safe

Never let him feel alone

Grant him peace and remind him

He needs to come home to my loving embrace

Days pass slowly but my prayer never changes

Days and nights pass by

but the clock never seems to fly

I keep prayin

I keep waitin

My love wont ever fade

Just like my prayer it won't change

Dear God if you're listenin please

This is me prayin for him

I'm all right so don't worry about me

My Hero's fightin a fight so far away

Not a moment goes by he's not on my mind

Let him feel my love 'cross miles of ocean and land

I pray for his safe return

Give him the hope and comfort you can

Dear God if you're listenin please

this is me prayin for him

I'm beggin if you hear me

Protect him and grant him peace

Keep him safe 'til he returns to me

Days and nights pass by

but the clock never seems to fly

I keep prayin

I keep waitin

My love won't ever fade

Just like my prayer it won't change

God if you're listenin please

Dear God, just listen to me

This is my only prayer

I'm not prayin for me

I'm beggin if you can hear

Protect him and keep him safe

Bring him home to my lovin embrace

Dear God if you're listenin please

see me down hear on my knees

Dear God, if you hear me

This is me prayin for him

Let him feel my love 'cross miles of ocean and land

Remind him I'm waiting, I'll never stop waiting

Keep him safe til he returns to me.

Dear God, I keep prayin

So if you're listenin please

Keep him safe til he's home with me

Remind him I'm waiting, my love's not fading

Dear God if you're listenin please

This is me prayin for him

I'm beggin if you can hear

This is my only prayer

Lay your head down

Lay your head down, Love

Dream sweetly tonight

I'll watch over you

Til Morning Light

I am mesmorized

Caught under your spell

I adore you more

Than words could tell

I'll protect your heart

with all my might

Lay your weary head down

And dream sweetly tonight

my favorite lines he's ever written

July 1, 2010

"I don't know how effectively I conveyed my thoughts, but you are in my head alot. I love that I have a little part in  you becoming who you really want to be."

July 25, 2010

"I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the point when he made Pearl Harbor and that is an awful lot girl."

Aug 29, 2010

 "I love every letter you write me. Just seeing the letter makes me smile. I miss you and hope I get to talk to you soon."

Sept 4, 2010

"I miss ya, can't wait to hold ya."

Sept 5, 2010

"I wish I could talk to you more and hear about everything in real time... So when all your topsy-turvy moving around ends and you are settled somewhere, where do you want our first get-away to be? Start thinking because there is still alot of the world and U.S. I haven't been yet and we need ideas. I can't wait to see you  and go somewhere with you. Even if it's just a park, because parks have grass and clouds, two things we don't have here. I miss ya, can't wait to hold ya."

Oct 27, 2010

"I think of you often and I can't wait til we see each other again."

Oct 30, 2010

"I think we can be really good for each other for a really long time. I miss holding you, I miss you wanting to be closer to me. I miss just walking around and talking to you. For me, you are the perfect mix of the cute girl, sexy girl, smart girl, shy girl, bold girl, and lady girl. ... You are wonderful, not perfect but perhaps perfect for me. My parents won't approve of you; tattooed catholic girl who wakes me up in the middle of the night... I think you are cute and sexy, but I'm also turned on by how your mind works and the level of common sense you have ... I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your hot little body squirming in my arms. I miss how you taste and smell. All of this will make us seeing each other again that much better."

'Ps. is this all crazy? yep, but normal people's lives suck, I'd rather be crazy."

Nov 10, 2010

"The sexy photo you sent me tonight is up on my laptop monitor. I really want to just pick you up and hold you and kiss every part of you. But I'm stuck here in Afghaniland with a bunch of dudes, definitely my loss."

Nov 15, 2010

"Seeing you last night on Skype was awesome. I went to bed with a smile. :P I just wanted to reach out and touch you or just pull you through the screen into Afghanistan or Jump through to New York. I like the hair brunette but you can make it pretty much any color you want. Your goofy smile was beautiful and I loved the way you looked in the tank top. I really wanted to just touch your soft skin and feel your hug" ... "I miss you, I can't wait to see you again. I really want to hold you and just spend time with you talking about whatever stuff. You are incredible and I feel fortunate that you want to be with me. Eventually I'm going to let you down in some way or the Army is going to let us both down but I really hope whatever tough times come we can grow closer and keep this special thing we have going. I miss you."

Nov 24, 2010

"I am the luckiest guy in the world because you don't want an out. I think we are perfect for each other and I hope we never have a fight but if we do we are sooo going to make up after. I miss you to the nth degree as n approaches infinity. Tomorrow is thanksgiving, woot woot. I really do have alot to be thankful for. A girl who calls me hero. A family who loves me. The opportunity to lead American Soldiers. And a girl who can't wait to hold me. ~ I mentioned you twice...... I miss you Babe and need to go to bed. I can't wait to hold you and feel your tight little hug. I feel like we grew together tonight and both became stronger people together. Every problem you ever have, I want to help you solve. And every problem I ever have, I want your input and encouragement. You mean alot to me. I miss you. Your Captain, Steve (even when I am a Major, I want to be your captain."

This is going to be an adventure

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you

missing you hurts

I woke up this morning at around 530. I just couldn't sleep. I guess it's that time of deployment. It's the part where the random tears come and the missing grows stronger. The part where every happy couple I see, I want to punch and make them go away. But it's also the time I start my countdown for r&r. I miss you. I just want you to know that you are the reason for me. The reason I want good in my life, the reason I don't want to let go, no matter how hard this deployment is. I wish we had more realtime romance but I know somehow we'll figure it out....well i gotta go. Miss you... can't wait for your voice.

weeping angel

A broken girl cries out in the night,
A perfect weeping angel if she just had wings.
Betrayed by her reality, alone with her regrets,
She begs the stars for one more moment,
Just long enough to say good-byes,
Tell him that she loved him,
That he was the perfect man,
She never thought he’d go so soon.
A million and one broken dreams,
She’s not sure she’s strong enough.
Tear-stained cheeks and blood-shot eyes,
Weary and worn from so deep a loss,
Her mind clings to long, lost memories,
A little princess and her King,
A montage of the life she used to have.
She curls her knees to her chest,
Hugging her broken heart, afraid to come undone
The night remains still, unforgiving and cold
A broken girl, alone and lonely, cries
A perfect weeping angel if she just had wings.


Miss you daddy.

a few days...

Babe,

It's been a couple days since I heard from you live. I hope I get to hear from you soon. Hope if your "out" you are safe and those marines have your back ;) I miss you. I got your long letter yesterday night and wrote you back this morning. It's really long. Just a warning. And if you weren't warned it means you never read this haha.

Anyways, I am waiting for the cable and phone and internet guy (He's one guy but doing three jobs) He's going to set me up. I cleaned my livingroom and bedroom again. I'd rather have you here so it matters any.

Oh, last night i also got the Hard Corps Shirts that Sean sent to me. I love them! I can't wait til he does the Army version, I think I'll get all the branches, but for now I have the Marines ones, both the female version and the male version. I love the female version. It says "Faithful Always THEY SHALL REMAIN" it looks pretty badass. And the male version says :Hard Corps. Dogs to loose when war is waged. I have some stuff for you to give out in the carepackage coming from Sean. :)

Anyways, I have to go. But I just wanted to update this. I miss you. Call or write soon. xoxox

it's tough

Babe,

I miss you more than ever today, which is a little amusing considering I missed you more than ever yesterday. Bad things happened last night, things I'm feeling guilty for and wishing I could do more. You know what, since I talked to you this morning, but I still wish I could hear your voice instead of facebook chat. I can't hear your comfort over the internet. :'( i miss you so much and last night was so hard to go through. I barely slept at all, but even when I did, I slept with the phone in my arms. I changed my default ringtone to "Lifeline" by Papa roach. "I've been looking for a lifeline for what seems like a lifetime, I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again, looking for a lifeline" I was in so much pain last night, wondering if I'll ever be forgiven, wondering if she'll ever trust me again, but knowing I did the only thing I could, I heard her pleas and knew what she was doing so I did what anyone who has been there should do. I wish you were here. I wish you could hug me and tell me that everything's going to be alright. I wish that i could hear your voice or see your face or something. I just friggin miss you.

Today, as I said, my goal is to do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I plan on laying around, watching my kids make a mess and teaching them to say "Hooah" and "Oorah" and "I love you, Mom". They already managed "Hooah" and "Oorah" and Semper Fi. It's actually really cute to hear Jax yell it. I think "yep, he's going to follow in my family's footsteps. He's going to be like my Dad or Grandfather or brothers. He's going to be amazing." You'd have a laugh because he gets so excited whenever I put on the videos with Soldiers or Marines in it. I asked Lily what she wanted to do when she grows up and she said "Navy" I think  it's from going to the Navy base the other day. She loved the uniforms and kept smiling at them. She's usually so shy in public!

Other than that, I'll probably stalk the mailman. He smiles at me every day and tells me he's sorry when he has nothing. He knows I'm waiting for you. One of my friend joked I am dating the mailman more than you, and I laughed. He's just holding my letters hostage I think, just so he can see me more often ;) just kidding.

Anyways, babe. I can't wait to talk to you later. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox...

btw. I miss you. more than I ever thought possible. Hope you miss me too.

my birthday night

Tonight, thanks to some help, I found a song... it's called come home by one republic, the song on this sites home page. Anyways, I am listening to it on repeat. The words to it remind me of you Hello World, hope you're listening, forgive me if i'm young and speaking out turn, there's someone that i've been missing, I think that they could be the better half of me, they're in the wrong place trying to make it right, but I'm tired of justifying... i say to you come home, come home, cuz i've been waiting for you for so long, for so long, and right now there's a war between vanities but all i see is you and me, the fight for you is all I've ever known, so come home... I get lost in the beauty of everything I see, the world ain't half as bad as they paint it to be, if all the sons and all the daughters stopped to take in well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin, it might start now or maybe i'm just dreaming out loud. but until then come home, come home everything i can't be is everything you should be and that's why i need i need you here, everything i can't be is everything you should be and that's why i need you here...  so hear this now, come home, come home! cuz i've been waiting for you for so long, for so long and right now there's a war between vanities but all i see is you and me, the fight for you is all i've ever known, so come home..." I can't help but think of you and me and thinking that this is the song that reminds me exactly how i'm feeling. I know you could be my better half, you're everything I wish I could be and I need you in my life, i want you here. I know you will come home soon (at least for leave) and I can't wait to be wrapped in your arms, feeling you near to me, so I can stop missing you. If you ever thought missing me was hard, you should try missing you. It's impossibly hard to get through a day lately without wishing with all my heart you were near or that i could talk to you or text you. I never thought I'd feel this again, not really, but there's you, in the wrong place trying to make it right... I miss you... as always, come home to me, safe and sound. xxx, ooo times infinity <3

It's my birthday night and all I keep wishing is that  you were the last voice I heard today. Or that I can stay up long enough for you to come online and make me smile. if I had my way, I could do more than post another entry here. I miss you...

Stay safe, call soon, and come home safe. You're all I'll ever need.

<3 your girl

Fallen

Fallen like a wounded bird
Straight down from the sky
With a broken wing no one sees
Grounded by unseen forces

Shame filled tears cleanse the dirt covered face
as my secret pains stare back at me
shedding light on dark pasages of my mind
a place no one dares to wander

Regretful pain builds my core
Like energy, it keeps me thriving
Like heroine, it keeps me dying
I can't give it up, it's my only thing

Knocked down and beaten back
seen as guilty so they punish the victim
What is the cost to be free?
Blood and tears or more of my soul?
My fire burns despite the pain.

Complicated planning clouds better judgement
Details too small to ever see the castle through the stone
Standing here lost in a flower
the beautiful petals of fantastic dreams
A lovely illusion it would seem
A glorious adventure new to me

I fall asleep, anxious of my nightly travels
Sobs of worry have taken away my strength
and sent me on the bitter-sweet ride
of a clouded subconsious in a turbulent sky

Fallen like a wounded bird
Straight down from the sky
With a broken wing no one sees
Grounded by forces unseen

I woke up with such a fright
My heart beats with a frenzy of soldiers preparing for battle
I gasp, my lungs thirsty for air, burning from fear
All the dreams are broken, all the dreams are dead

I look to the heavens, I look to the skys
Is anyone out there? will anybody listen?
Grant me strength and give me a sign
I need some help to carry me through

Like a miracle, Fate has spun her web
and captured me a gift, a modern-day knight, it seems
I feel renewed, like sunlight hope spreads it's warmth on me
My heart is calmed by its presence
A fresh dream formed by faith and love.

No longer am I a fallen bird
I am again soaring the skieds
My wounds are healing as you can see
Like a flower, all I needed was love.

It's only fair

I'm finally going home

Goodbye, Canada. I'm done with you. You've brought me almost nothing good. Other than my two beautiful children, you have broken me almost beyond repair. I am just now coming back to life and it's because of an American man who brings the joy into my life.

Even in you

memory

The mirror has always spoken true, my reflection has never lied,
what could create such a state, a fragile smile with broken eyes?
Tear drops dripping down my face, in the quiet restful sleep,
a simple dream about a boy that died and broke my heart plays within my mind.
He stole my smile for quite a while, I'm older now than he was then.
I've had a long, long time to think, he was always so much surer.
Then forever was that much weaker.
I close my eyes to recall-illusions from my psyche.
It thrilled my heart to embrace his smile, made my soul fly to hear his laugh,
which rang out strong and true.
It's been too long, a while, an unfair reality.
My skin is set ablaze by his hand on my cheek.
My face feels like a fire when he gave me one last kiss,
a sad look within his eye and a vague knowing nod, he turns from me.
Heartache painfully renewed, my eyes find my own and I stare into myself.
My heart and mind are racing, why now echoes within and out.
Close my eyes and fight him away.
A wasted life, lost youth and a never-was memory.
Once a year I dream about him.
It's good to hear his laugh, nice to see his smile,
but in the morning, I'll push him back, inside that dark and hidden tomb.
Rest in peace for another year, we'll meet again soon, my dearly departed friend.


Written in the memory of Marcus Shawn Ledford. 10 years after his suicide took him from my life but couldn't tear him from my heart.

Start of deployment

Right now, I feel good. I feel good knowing that you care about me. I feel good knowing that you will give me a chance. I feel good knowing you see me for what I am, not what they say I am. I feel good when you send me cute songs to tell me how much you care, because you don't know how I'll react if you tell it to me face up.

I want you to know that I like you so much. I want it to be us. Us two against the universe. I want you to know that each time I go to bed a picture of your face is stuck in my mind. I want you to know that when I'm playing with the kids or watching tv or packing for the move you're in my mind all of the time. I want you to know that right now – you are the reason I'm staying up til 4 in the morning.

I think I'm falling in love with you. It feels good.

I know a year is a long time and that's crazy. But I have a good feeling about you. I hope you feel the same. Stay safe over there.  

 

To my ex

It's done. It's been done for a few months now. How did it end? If I recall correctly it was me realizing you just didn’t care about me. No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough and I finally figured out that there was nothing I could do. After that, you thought you would get your revenge by claiming you liked someone else, some dumb girl you barely knew, but who I know is so much like me, it’s twisted. Well your plan worked. It broke my heart. Even though I had wanted to end it, knowing you weren’t with me even while we were still together killed me. I was shattered into a million little pieces, and thought there was nothing in the world that could put me back together.

But something did. It was my new found self confidence. When I realized I deserved so much better than you, the pieces very slowly began to reassemble. And then I began noticing. That more and more guys would smile at me, try to talk to me, give me compliments. That made the pieces come together more quickly. The best part about it was, I never needed to get revenge in order to become whole again. Hurting you wouldn't make me feel any better, because I simply didn't care about you anymore. You broke my heart, made me feel like shit, and then did it again. Now all I see are those wasted months with you, the time spent waiting for you to show you cared.

 

So now I'm putting that last piece back together. I've found someone who cares, a man who embodies all the qualities I dreamed of as a little girl, before you and the others hurt me. And I am falling in love with him every day. And there is no doubt in my mind that you are completely gone. I don't ever think about you when I'm with him. There are no lingering thoughts about us in my head, about "what could have been". This isn't one of those stories where I realized I've always still loved you. No. In fact, I don't know if I ever loved you, because now that I know what true love is, I know what I felt when I was with you sure as hell wasn't this.

So in a sense my happiness is my sweet little revenge.

lovely wish

These words come from deep within me,
Confessing my heart's most sacred truth
Inside I feel the ocean, so deep and mysterious
With undercurrents of emotions never truly revealed
Ever since you entered my world,
I feel my heart speed up endlessly
This is such a terrifying dream, a beautiful adventure
A lovely wish whispered into my ear with a sigh
I must confess, this I did not expect.
I couldn't have believed, only in my dreams
Just you and me together, holding your hand
Feels like the world is empty, we're the last one's left
All is quiet and abandoned, but for us right here
I can hear a pin drop and the beating of our hearts
Each breath we take makes thunderous sounds
You are here with me and I think it's good
I want to say something, but you're my only fear
Cross my heart and hope to die, I swear it's not a lie.
I don't need a hero, I'm not looking to be saved.
This is just my silent plee, my demanding secret hunger
Tell me the words I'm starved to hear
the ones that speak of your truest desire
Let your words be the music and dance with me
Just hold me, move me, spin me, free me
Confess your heart of hearts and share your dreams
This sun is so blinding, eternally shining
And here we stand, side by side,
As I patiently wait for
A lovely wish whispered into my ear with a sigh.

I am so compelled by you

You have to be the smartest man I've met so far. And you have to be the most understanding, caring, compassionate man I've ever known. How is it I found you without really looking. I'm crazy about you... I can't wait until we learn more about each other and hopefully, we'll fall madly, completely, insanely in love with each other.

Yes, to anything...

I've never been so sure of anything. It's like, I've finally come to understand the difference between dread and fear, and those nervous butterflies that everyone keeps talking about. You want to know how I know? Because when I'm with you, I feel those butterflies fluttering around inside of me. But they don't make me want to run the other direction, like the fear has done before. If anything, they make me want to press myself as close as I can to you- skin to skin, heartbeat to heartbeat, because when I do that, the butterflies quiet their wings for a bit and they let me feel you. Feel all of you. And it's in those moments that I realize that the fear I feel is only surface level. It's the kind of fear you feel right before you turn on a bright light after hours of being in the dark- just a few seconds before you open your eyes to see something so beautiful, something you couldn't see before. For the first time in my life, I don't want to run away. I want to be with you, I want all of you. And I'm going to miss you. A year is a very long time but I'm ready. I am ready to fall in love with you. 

I really sort of maybe kinda like you

It's been amazing. Don't leave.

here he comes

I'm about to pick him up from the air port. OMG!!! I'm so nervous. I hope he's everything I've dreamed of. And I hope I'm everything he's been hoping for.

Happy Independence Day 2010

You did. I used to be different. Braver, smarter, funnier. I used to be different. Sadder. Angrier. Bitter. I had my heart broken and then you listened to my heart, you listened to my dreams and all my endless ramblings. I'm kinda thinking there might be something here. I can't wait to meet you for real.

June 24th, 2010

Today, I miss my Dad. I look at his flag and I wish it was him instead. Days like these, when I realize just how long it's been I get sad.





I remember before the war. I remember before the fighting started, before I started losing people I knew. I was 11 when 9-11 happened. My dad was in Special Ops. My life was forever changed...



I almost wish I didn't remember the peace. I have spent so long worried and waiting for news from far away. I have witnessed the injured coming home and buried the dead with a heavy heart. I have always known the sacrifice and the cost that had to be paid so we could be as safe as possible. And now, almost 9 years later, I'm still waiting for them to come home. Still waiting for the time when I can go to sleep and not send a little prayer to the heavens to watch out for all those that are there, all those that serve. I am still waiting for the peace of mind I haven't had since I was a little girl.



Nine long years. I still remember being Interviewed by the callous reporters at the front gates of base. Asking me how I felt, how the war affected me, what my views are. How they could ask a young girl of only 13 those questions, when her father was somewhere classified, gone for however long he was gone, always wondering when he'd be home. I hated the news then and I still do. It causes me such pain to watch the names and faces appear on my tv screen. The ones that will never come home, the ones I knew, the ones I didn't.

It doesn't help having the memories or experiences I have, nor does it help to know that so many friends I knew are gone and there are still more that serve, more joining daily. I write letters to them, I pray for them, I miss them. I hope tomorrow feels better but today I'm sad and missing the peace that I used to have. The kind of peace that existed before these wars. The kind of peace that, for me, only existed briefly. Two years between the abuse of one life and the wars of another. Two years where I was a child... Today, I miss that peace, the kind of comfort I had.

 

Today, most of all, I miss my dad. I look at his flag, place my hand upon the stiching of a star, trace the outline, line up his rack, even though it never moves, delicately touch his rank and the airforce seal. I stare at his name and think of his face, his smile, him in uniform, him in his Blues... All those memories bring tears to my eyes and I lean it, kiss the flag that was given to me to honour his service, and lay my cheek against the firmly folded fabric and a tear rolls from my eyes. I miss him so very much and long for his hug, when I laid my head on his chest and his big, strong arms would wrap around me. I miss his hugs and the flag just doesn't hug me back. My tears fall into it. I'm not crying for him, I know he's in Heaven. I'm crying for me. For the hole he left behind.

 

I miss the peace, the kind I had before the war. At Ruby Tuesdays, with my Dad and my Mom and everything was fine and safe.

Hey, Soldier I like

Memorial Day, Saturday May 29, 2010

War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of... being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself

It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived. - General George S. Patton

I will always place the mission first. I will never accept defeat. I will never quit. I will never leave a fallen comrade.  I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills. I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.  I am an expert and I am a professional.

God Have Mercy on my enemies, because I won't ~ General George S. Patton

You showed me how I was supposed to Live then you showed me how to die ~ Toby Keith

It's hard missing my Daddy. A weekend full of condolences and kind words. Here's some of the sweetest.

If I'm even a sliver of the man your father was, I'll be a hell of a man.~ A Gunner in Iraq

I am keeping you in my thoughts, have your picture tucked in my pocket over my heart. I've got to go to work. Hooah!~ An Army Medic in Hemland Afghanistan

This weekend will never be about parties for you. It will always be sad, but just know that I have you in my prayers and that this weekend will always remind me of what you lost. Your Dad was a hero. ~A vet. Army Sgt in the states.

I am honoured to know you and wish you strength in carrying through a loss such as yours. You are in our thoughts here this weekend. A toast or ten will be made in your honor. ~A Vet Marine in the states.

and my personal favorite, the double edged sword.

I only met your dad a few times, he scared the hell out of me most of the time, but I always think about how much he loved you and how much he loved our Country... I know you miss him, he was your Daddy, how could you not? Just know I'm here, if you need to talk. I miss you, kiddo. ~ My childhood friend and current soldier in the Army deployed in Iraq.

I don't want to pretend this weekend is easy... But the outpouring of love, from so many that are in Warzones, so many that care... I'm touched and honoured by every word they say. My heart is broken but it's healing a little more every day, all because of those strong and Brave men, who fight for us everyday.

It's Memorial Day weekend. 7 months since my Dad's been gone, since he died in Service to the USAF. This weekend is meant to remember him... To remember what others like him have sacrificed for the security of all of us. whether we choose to accept it or not.


I keep crying. The truth is right now all I could use is a fucking hug. I could use my friend back, but I'm afraid to ask for his help, for anything, because I know his girlfriend would think I was trying something. but the truth is, he was there when I found out, and there's no one that could possibly know how badly it hurt me to lose him, how I instantly felt the most terrible pain of my life in that moment. And even though it's been months, maybe it's just the day...or rather what this weekend means. Memorial Day... To remember those that died during their service... But really, it just feels like the world is haunting me, like the pain is so deep within, sometimes, like right now, when I can't do anything but cry.

bits of my poetry

I wrote this a long time ago... long before it truly meant anything to me.

But suddenly, as I look through the cardboard box which lies all my complete and incomplete works of writing. This is something I had writtten before in different stanzas different little bits of paper where a single line would happen and nothing would fit.



Here's the original pieces:

And she closed her eyes just to remember but the feeling was gone, she realized at that moment, her life meant now than it had ever meant before.

She felt herself dangling upon a string, hanging so high above him, looking around she wondered if all she saw was all there really was.

Another life, another time, it would have been perfect

The tragedy I face, the sad forgotten truth is that I never said to you what I always meant to.

He thinks he's gone forgotten alone and thriving merely.

This is what those turned into

And she closed her eyes to remember, but the feeling was gone.

she felt herself dangling upon a string, hanging so high above him

Wondering to herself if all she saw was all there really was

Another life, another time, it might have been perfect

but at that moment she realized how much more her life meant

than it had ever had meant before, when he was hers.

The tragedy she faces, the sad forgotten truth

Is that she never said what she always meant to.

But now she's almost forgotten and not so alone

And her soul is not merely surviving, no, it's striving

Sometimes I'm worried that

perfect

Sunrise
Sunset
I bet
One minute before
One minute after
It all looks the same
Bright gold and purple
With a slight touch of blue
In the sky
In me
In you.

You think she's better than me?

She is so not better than me. She's just a disease. I thought you were worth loving and I was wrong. Any girl who falls for you should be warned. You are capable of destroying a girl's soul and heart with words of encouragement and actions of love followed by silence and neglect.

Smiles

smiles are hard to fight when you feel special to someone

and tonight you made me feel special to you

thank you for the smiles, you never fail to inspire

the confidence you fill me with, and the sound of your laugh

the way I feel so comfortable and melt into your slight accent

I hope you always inspire this feeling of overwhelming smiles

the way you make me laugh, the way you make me dream

I sing these country songs and dream of you dancing with me

all the little messages pass between us, like notes back in school,

little jokes and private laughs only made for us two

this smile is just firmly on my face, inspired only by you

you are a hero and I am awed

I hope that this will be good, maybe this will be love

maybe this is all like luck, go all in to find it

I am a foolish girl to feel like this

But I'd rather be a fool than the girl who never tried...

and until I have to stop, I'll be smiling at every note passed,

at every conversation, the sound of your voice, laugh, smile

I'm not angry anymore

I have let go of his ghost. He no longer haunts me. I am ready for a fresh start. Maybe with that Soldier who seems really amazing and smart. He's an officer which is rare for me but I think, maybe, there's potential. At least I hope to hell there is potential. He seems pretty awesome so far. We just started talking but we'll see.

he doesn't deserve me.

i know that that's what everyone's been telling me for months, and ive known it was true. but now i feel it. i feel it in my heart that i am too good for him. he wasn't any good for me. he hurt me, he rejected me, he made the corners of my soul cave in. he made me happy for such a short time, and even then it was full of ups and downs. and i deserve better than that. i deserve a boy that loves me, that truly knows me fully and completely and is in love with every bit of me. i deserve a guy that always wants to be with me and will do anything for me. i deserve a man who makes me happy.

and i believe he exists. i believe now that someday, i will find my perfect match. i haven't been optimistic in months. i've spent so much time alone, dwelling on him, on the one that broke my heart. and i haven't been able to see that this isn't the end. i'm young, i have the rest of my life ahead of me. one day, i will find that person and we will fall crazily and madly in love. he exists. and it's okay if i don't find him anytime soon. i'm not going to go out there and search for him. because you know what? i do believe in soulmates. i believe that everyone has someone made just for them. and today, today i felt that hope inside of me. that i will find my soulmate. and that this guy, this stupid guy that broke me is not him. so why am i wasting my life crying over him? from now on, i'm just going to let go. i know i won't completely get over him right away, but i'm not going to spend any more time sitting at home when i could be living my life. i'm letting go of him because i don't need him.

i'm going to live. i'm going to have a love for life. and i'm going to be happy.

....

No magic mirror or sequined mask could hide us from our inner selves,
we don't need a long gaze to know who we are,
a quick glimpse with a blind eye could render a million confessions...
it's what we choose to let in which will ultimately let us out,
it's how we choose which causes the effect
and right now no one wants an easier life than I.
And I remember, I remember everything,
the happy, the sad, the vacant, the highs,
the lows, and the laughter no matter what the cause.
And I miss it, probably more than I should,
because it was such a warm white spot in my life,
like the eye of a hurricane
or that comfortable silent moment after my memories fade
and before my nightmares begin.
Somewhere in there I found it and I've been longing for it ever since.
But the world revolves, life evolves, hearts resolve, everything is changing.
And through this ever shifting series of events
we find ourselves in need of pause and reflection.
Sometimes it can be good
and sometimes the face staring back at us is more than we can bare.
In time this will all pass,
in time this will all be nothing more
than a dusty memory sitting upon an aging shelf
in someone's senescent mind,
in time it will crumble
like the remnants of a decaying photograph and we won't have to look at it anymore.
Scars won't heal if we pick them,
and recollections won't fade if we keep remembering them.

Never again

Never again will I allow my brain to be mislead by my heart. I made a mistake with you. You tried to destroy me and you nearly did. The worst part, I let you.

how to change a life

I don't want to know how to save a life
I want to know how to change a life
What it takes to make a life
Not just procreation
But something real and full of life
Full of laughter, full of joy
And fillwed with delight.
A positive mind and living right
Despite the hype
of possessions and vanity
The selfish might
get too caught up in the glitter
to notice the truthful light
that shines so bright
it puts an end to night
I suggest you make virtue your plight
and carry on with clarity in sight
That maybe you'll see
that this world is capable
of peace love and unity.

love

The gray clouds
couldn't hide a light like this
A light house
couldn't shine bright like this
A mirror
couldn't reflect clear like this
Because it couldn't
detect the detail of a love like this
Look once
Look again, twise more
Get caught up inthe gaze
Let your eyes explore
Touch with your mind
Let your feelings run the course
And rejoice
Let your soul be lifted
On the wings of doves in a flock
my heart goes with it
The flight of the gifted
All the reason to attempt it

Tick-tock

Tick-tock, the clock keeps ticking,

a split-second and the world is empty,

among the broken mirrors and shattered glass,

here isn't a safe place to stand,

looking around this world isn't the one I want to see.

Standing still watching the buildings burn,

this ash is raining on me.

I'm not afraid, the worst is over,

but the battle has just begun to rage around me.

I don't care if this world is destroyed,

I want to help destroy it,

as long as you can't be there to hurt me

or make me watch your obscene version of morality,

I'll gladly watch this world burn.

I'll take my turn and I'll choose my weapon.

Line up the shot, my gaze is long,

my aim is steel

and this bullet will knock you off your feet.

You won't be here tomorrow, not if I kill you today.

Don't fear, I'll make it quick.

You won't have to watch the cities crumble under my rage,

I promise you the sleep of the dead then.

Tick-tock, your heart beats, split second, the world is empty

how old would i be if I never knew my age?

Gazing into my reflection, I wonder,
How old would I be if I never knew my age?
Have all these experiences made me older?
Has all the heartbreak made me colder?
Or do my dreams keep me young?
Do my hopes keep me warm?
My twisted journey through the weeds
Tangled up and scratched and nicked
I never managed to keep the trail
I’m so far from where I started,
So different from what I knew,
Now I’m somewhere completely new
With no ties to anyone, no roots to anywhere
A gradually sudden ending precedes
A new beginning, a fresh chance to try again
Inside I feel the fears and doubts eating me within
I take a deep breath to gather strength
And courage to start anew.
Looking in the mirror I wonder
How old would I be if I never knew my age?

pain....

I can't stop this feeling, so alone with no distraction
All I have is what's inside, these dark black waves that wash over me
My tears run down my cheeks, like razor blades in my heart
I thought I was invincible once, now I know I'm not
I'm vulnerable, it seems impossible I ever felt I was strong enough
And I'm the one to blame, I cry, shaken by this pain
I just want to crawl inside my bed and throw away this life I had
Nothing ever seems to change, nothing takes this pain away from me
I'm broken, empty, abandoned, why am I so alone?
I'm half alive, but half dead, I could go either way
I don't know how I became like this, it's getting harder to breathe
I should have known it wasn't real before, I believed all the lies called promises
I'm trying so hard not to give into the void, the abyss that calls my name
I would give my whole life for a moment of peace, just five minutes of love
I used to know how to live, now I can't remember what came before
All these lies have torn me apart, I can't believe anything that seems like hope
The ghosts from my past, their voices still haunt me, I can't forget
All their words still taunt me, everything they said about me imbedded in my head
I want to run and hide from this cold I feel inside
I don't know what to do, I can't believe in a love that's true
Maybe I'm just jaded and can't distinguish after all I've been through
They broke me down, messed me up, toyed with my mind, left me here to die
I don't know where I stand, if I'm even standing at all.
All these memories confound me, I don't know how to cope
So here I am, alone again, in this night under these stars
Light me on fire and let me burn until I'm gone, anything to get over this.

end to another maybe love

I feel like I am made of glass. And at any moment, all my pieces could shatter and break. It's always easier to blame other people isn't it? It would be easy to say that he did this to me, that he became such a part of my soul, that his departure from my life sent me spiraling out of control. And maybe to an extent that's true. There's no doubt that I gave my heart to a boy who ran so far away with it that I'm not sure it will ever really come back. But to put all that blame on him would be naive, and I would never want to flatter him in that way. The truth is, I was broken before he came barreling into my life. And now that he's gone, I'm just one step closer to shattering. My problem isn't making someone else fall in love with me, it's falling in love with myself. I've struggled for years to be happy with who I am, and I made the mistake of letting someone else try to make me happy, make me more alive. But how can I fault someone for falling out of love with me, when I have never even loved myself?

lonely thoughts

I feel the darkness closing in around me, sweeping up so suddenly within me,
drowining me in this grey cloud of agony and pain, questions without answers.
I fight for every breath, I can feel this disease crawling inside my skin.
I want it to be over, I am growing colder, I know somethings got to end.
I can’t give up, I can’t give in.
I can’t let it kill me, this enemy from within.
I’ll fight til the end.
It’s not enough, this life, it never is.
I’ve lost my way, I feel trapped inside a cage with no lock and no key.
I try to find the faceless enemy inside me but something’s getting in the way.
This isn’t how it should be.
This rotten core inside, I’ve had enough.
With every breath I take, I fight, this torment is killing me.
I need some peace of mind, when all is said and done, and leave my fears behind.
I look into my reflection, my bloodshot eyes from tears I’ve cried, stare back into me.
There’s always something going wrong, can anyone help me make things better?
The dreams left inside me are slowly fading and the emptiness is quickly growing.
The love that might have existed has crashed around me.
Already orphaned by Fate, the wretchedness seeps in to make itself at home.
With every step I take, I struggle against this Silent Killer inside my hide.
Caught in the eye of the storm, I must fight either way.
With one last breath, I defy this til the end.

queen of hate

A troubled thought enters my mind as the waves of silence wash over me
A brief reminder of the bitterness between us,
The True bond, never fully formed, wasn't merely broken, but beaten into submission
Your lies flow so smoothly accross your poisonous tongue
but your voice betrays every word you say, the venom soaking through
The influence you shed is so toxic, and your hate is so cruel
Your cold indifference displays the extremes of your selfish nature
No more excuses, no more pretending, the symptoms are just too clear
You are a disease, spreading misery to everyone around you
For my own protection, the sacredness of my soul,
I cut the ties that bind us and shield my love from you.
You are the Queen of Hate, but you seem to forget my own claim,
Born of your Hate with the will to love, the Queen of Hearts you made me.
The King of Spades, a glorious mix of Strength and Courage, fuels my purpose
The end of your plague has come and I'll be well on my way.
Goodbye to you, Queen of Hate, mother to my very name...
Remember this sacred truth, when you think of me,
the fault of this does not lay with me, my soul is clear of the blackened taste
There is only one you can blame when your own child kills you from their lives,
I did no wrong, my heart and my head are clear, you are the Cause, the fatal flaw
With this final thought, there is a peace to this silence that surrounds me,
A freedom from the burden I carried for far too long and for far too far.
My Destiny is now mine, glimmering with new hope, with the dazzling shine of Love,
Faith fuels me, confidence builds me and patience carries me through...
Goodbye to you, oh the toxic memories, goodbye to you, burned and buried.

Dear Daddy,

Dear Daddy,

           It's been too long since you've been gone and yet, not very long at all. The sky is blue and righteous in all directions. The day is the perfect day outside. In my mind, I see you standing there, uniform and all, home from a deployment, but this is the longest of all. I know you won't come home this time, I mean you've been gone this long before, but never once was so unending. I really miss you so much, and I can't stop thinking about you. Remember singing "American Soldier?" You held Mom's hand and sang and I remember thinking about that song... "I counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice" Did you know? Did I know? I know now, much more than I knew before. The pressure you were always under, you're ability to carry on.          

          You are my Daddy, my own Hero. I'm so proud to be your daughter, so proud to have your flag. But sometimes I really miss you, like today and yesterday and all the days before. Lately, I don't care about much beyond getting back to a place where men like you are. I support my friends that serve, texting and calling and being their confessor when they need. You taught me more than I can ever fully thank you for. You taught me compassion and empathy, love and hope. You always believed in me and now, I'm taking that to heart, Daddy.

          I am trying really hard to move back. I fill out paperwork and make phone calls and worry that it will take too long. I just don't want to be here anymore. This place is getting old and quite honestly, I don't think anything beyond the beauty could hold me here. I am desperate to get out of this place, even more desperate to get back to where the values you taught me lie.

           I miss you Daddy. I love you always. Just another letter, in memory of you

slumber

Hours pass at midnight in silent secret, actions saved for dark awakenings and nervous needs. Bleeding hands leave a red trail of past shame and unmentioned skeletons. Garbed in black to match thoughts and intentions, to calm these desperate demons that whisper while demand tunnels my nerve to an extent of overloaded constraint and ultimate surrender. spectors bare witness and remind me of nightmarish past remorse in spectacle, held captive, bound by failure and awful reward. I dream of a prison, my gloomy castle, constructed of countelss contrition. Rotting within these walls of my psyche, ghosts to warden and rarely pardon. Escape is elusive. Sleep is quick and unforgiving. The long shadow of tall mistakes.

January 1st, 2010

And my words fall like raindrops, fleeing from the clouded overthought of my mind. Laying scattered on the ground, a million and one mirrors reflecting sight and sound.



My memories dripping like melting ice cream, slipping away under the heat of conscious fricition. The two sides of my mind, spark and ignite, setting alight dense overgrowth.



The charred remains will serve as new fields, to sow and reap healthy development.



Like vultures circling the sky, my thoughts are flying by gaining speed and momentum in one direction, towards me and my... my... my mind is dry, my psyche is thirsty and in between is warm and cold.



Something new and something old.



It's there I can feel it. It's been there all along. Maybe it happened quick and fast, but I can remember it dragging on, now it's there, and try as I may, it's there to stay. Shake and shiver. Twist and quiver, the grasp bares strong.



And now I can't think anymore, there's something wrong.



But let me say that I'm sure to say what I've been saying all along. Maybe you heard everyword but dismissed it long gone. The least to say many a day passed and paused without much though in between the white and the black. I stand blue and forgotten.



Let me be alone for a while

dear, dear diary

dear, dear diary,my darkened book of blackened scars, the confessor of my sins
inside something has possessed me, there's something burning beneath my skin
In a blind moment of deep clarity, on this cold, autumn midnight,
the ink from my pen flows like an open vein from scars that never heal
the spirals and swirls, the loops and lines, a nearly unbroken journey with myself
stars twinkle in the sky, the same stars I've always known but in places new to me
the cobwebbed patterns of a twisted past repeated, the lifeline holding me together
the winding path of my heart, the fragile stepping stones of my thoughts,
my mind's a mile high in a tattooed dream, exploring a connection in between
a ghost from my past reminds me of who i was before the wreckage of this life
before the story unfolded and all control was lost, a black and white memory
old forgotten photographs gather dust, bleached by the sun, faded by the days
a glimpse of a lost youth and innocence, a recollection of the time before
so much has transformed yet something feels the same, something hasn't changed
staring at the heavens with its legendary heros and kings,
like a child pleading for his mother, my voice calls out to Him,
the warrior of legend, Orion, the heroic lead in my youthful fantasies
instead a face appears in my murky present, an inspired gothic daydream
out of the foggy mirage, a black-cloaked being steps into the pale starlight
Too darkly handsome to deny, a perfect arcane beauty, mysterious and wicked
He's awakened something within me, a notion that led to this introspection
He's a danger that haunts me with the painted mask of a perfect angel
A strong pull on a fragile thread of the bond between us
His eyes, his face, his voice, an dangerously angelic combination
I pray for salvation, a chance for redemption, a sign of something real,
anxious to achieve some meaning, some purpose yet hidden to me
the dark diamond blanket above me offers little comfort or security
the crisp air nips at my exposed skin, my funeral gown offers little warmth
A divine messenger, the reason I needed to believe, to hope again
the past, the future, now, this is some connection, a definate reaction
a thousand miles from where I started, a million miles to my dreams
a light at the end of the tunnel, the meaning of my life, the answer, found
the bells ring, someone has died, somehow I feel more alive
A haunting dream of an archangel, a soldier for the truest love,
I reach out in the dark for understanding, reason for these symptoms
dear, dear diary, companion to my dreams, this window to my heart
with these words, my strength renewed and hope rekindled, I know our bond survives
brief is the life that we live, the time we're allowed to stay,
Undoubtedly I yearn, I hope, I pray for the captivating archaic angel
to return to me, if only in a dream, love and romance me
Close my eyes and feel his wings wrap over me, angel of strength
I shut my precious book, put down my pen, fall asleep to pretend.

This couldn't be real

my father is dead. TSgt Charles Timothy Gose died October 27th, 2009 and he's gone forever :'( My heart is shattered.... Who cares about anything else. His funeral is set for my birthday. Who cares? I lost my Hero.

I love you Daddy... <3

a broken girl

The sun shines and the sky is blue, yet nothing is right,
a broken hearted girl, so tragic and beautiful,
sitting alone against a brick wall,
a perfect shadow of what she used to be
Her black hair falls into her face,
her eyes are hollow, void of hope and light
forgotten dreams and a shattered soul
a ocean of dispair and fear and pain
the tears fall down her cheeks so silently
she knows she's got no one to turn to
she's got no one left, deep regrets of lost friends,
it's her against the world, a lonely tragedy
a dethroned princess, wounded by her King
a shadow falls over her, a tower blocks the day
A strange face appears before her
His dark eyes meet hers and there is understandig
Did her savior appear or is he just another frog
A damaged doll with a gloomy past,
greeted by a handsome boy with a friendly smile
a part of her wonders what game fate plays
he doesn't wait and takes his seat
Sitting agaist a wall, not so alone
The sun shines and the sky is blue
And everything is righteous

lonely soul

Late at night, in the cold dark silence that surrounds me
I find myself, from time to time, pondering my life and everything in it
Sometimes I wonder if I know where I am
Did I trade part of myself for something better that I can't find
Maybe I lost some meaning, some reason, something I needed to be me
Can I change my destiny if I don't know what it is?
A part of me is lost, I think maybe I gave up too much
everything to everyone, perhaps all I had to give
I question myself and wonder if I'm just a lonely soul
all the while a broken doll, a confusion of shame and pride
I wonder where the love is, it felt so strong, so real, so true
I need a guardian of the night to save me from this maelstorm of dark thoughts
Mistakes became regrets, bloody scars litter my soul
I think of those closest to me, the conversions left unsaid, too hard to say
Betrayed by words I never heard, so I go without and hold my smile
Younger now than I was before, a creature with no control
Will all this garbled pain and history be the cause of my undoing
still, I find, I can't let go of everything I hold, despite how empty and cold
A void that could be filled without so much longing and indifference
Close my eyes, embrase the darkness, tomorrow I will wake
Another day to change my fate, another chance to see it coming
I will never say never, when I don't know when
I'll do my best with my best look and pray that I will make it
That somewhere down the road, I'll find that part I am missing
A lost and lonely soul, I'll be no more, when I find what I have needed

a tale of a sad little girl

This is the story of the sad little girl
The one no one rescued, the one no one loved
Her long worn mask, lays undone next to her delicate hand
Her tear-stained face finally revealed, unaged by the sands of time
The echoes of past-pain scream loudly through the room
She lies upon a bed of white silk,
Her black hair spread about her face, a dark halo
Her arms relaxed, her hands unclenched
The crimson puddle grows like wings unfolding
Her face is clear, she no longer remains
A morbidly beautiful sight
This is the tale of the lonely lost soul
the one no one knows,
she, a creature so mythical, pure fantacy, existed
A perfect doll of unfulfilled dreams lies broken irrepairably
Forgive us, we were not to know
Our hearts beat while hers grows cold

confessions

Illumination of my soul, inspired by a lovely friend not forgotten at all...
I feel myself relax and my eyes close, the dreams of yesterdays dance before my eyes
his face, his smile, his laugh, his eyes, always full of joy, always quick to smile
a second glance at a fading photograph fills my heart with vivid feeling
Inside my soul, there's a secret he never knew,
a confession my painted heart refused to share
but what would have happened if I'd been discovered
would it have been sophisticated and sweet or beautiful and tragic
I'm convinced it would have been worth it all
His soul is still so pure, so beautiful, a warm white spot in a cold black storm
I contemplate my life, my past and my present,with visions of a senescent mind
He couldn't understand the yearning I felt back then
Just to have his smile, his eyes, his face, full of joy just for me
He couldn't understand the way he mesmerizes me with everything he says
The trouble with love is it's elusive nature, it's there buried deep within
The flight of the gifted, the blessing of the true
What if one moment changes everything? What if I had only tried?
I think of how he's become so enlightened and I reflect
On a time that never passed, a memory that was never formed
Another life, another time, a euphoric daydream of mine...

confessions of a broken heart

Aching to express my tortured heart
Read the story on my skin
See the longing desperation in my eyes
An indication of the shape I'm in
There is something eating me alive
Inside I hear the voices taunting me
I can't escape these bitter thoughts
I have no illusions any more
Maybe love is meant to break hearts
Or maybe its just unobtainable to me
There's nothing more I can do
I am helpless and I'm fading
drained but yearning for more
I'd sell my soul just to hear you say
Love's name in vain
over and over and ever again
I'd never waste another day
searching to find the reason
You are my biggest weakness
I don't know why I need you
you complicate every inch of me
Pick your poison because you know
I would drink it all willingly
Just to feel the warmth of your love
If that's a lost and hopeless cause
Leave me here with my bleeding heart
every day I'll fight not to miss you
And every night I'll lose
And when this emptiness finally kills me
bury me in an unmarked grave
deep within your heart.