My new life

Well. I'm here. And it's been a while since I blogged but so much has been happening that I've either been too busy or too tired to sit down and post something. We got here almost two and a half weeks ago and tomorrow will have had our house two weeks. I got my stuff on a Friday and by the next Friday (last week) I had unpacked everything and managed to make the new place a home. I am enjoying it here so far, although, let's be honest, most of that has to do with the fact that up until today (and even for most of today) I have had my husband with me.

PCSing is hard because of the stress and the not knowing anyone, so today I held a playdate. I met 5 local wives who brought their kids, mostly girls. My kids had a blast playing with the girls (all the girls were 3 to 5 and the only boy was an eleven month old baby, who I enjoyed holding very much). And I got to meet some pretty awesome ladies. I really hope I can see them again and build a solid group of friends here.

I know alot of people move with the military and end up leaving half their stuff in boxes for weeks, even months, but I can't do that. I literally started unpacking the day my stuff arrived and by the end of the following week, I'd finished everything from unpacking to putting things away the way I like them to hanging up all the pictures and art that I enjoy seeing. I have a need to have my life put back together each time. I've moved so often in my life that having chaos is not something I can handle when enough things are uncertain. The only thing that was lost: my wii. Yep, the movers stole that. Or rather, they claimed they lost it... but I don't believe that.

In other news, I am not pregnant. I found out today that after another month of trying that my hope of having a baby inside me has to wait still. It's so hard wanting something so badly and not being able to have it yet. Steve says he'll go and get checked to see if he's the problem and if it'll help us to do anything different. I just so badly want our baby and I'm ready for our baby... Anyways, it's just another month of trying. I can handle that.

Other than that, the kids are both happy. They have a playroom here and love it. In fact, I'll upload some pictures of our house at the end of this post. It's a really nice house. Also, Beau and Luna are doing good too. Luna is in heat so that's annoying but she's been inside since she got here because I knew it would happen soon.

Anyways, I'm getting ready to put dinner together and relax. Much love.

Weekend of March 8th

Well this weekend has been interesting to say the least. Steve and I finally managed to have a decent talk and it only took him blowing up over the smallest thing.

I know we love each other and I know we are both stressed out and worried about everything that has been going on, each for our own reasons. The thing is, we don't fight. I know that sounds made up but for us, it's really true. I think we've had two or maybe three fights in our entire two years together. We have disagreed and one of us has been mad at the other but we've never really had a fight that results in me crying because he's a jerk... but this weekend we did and although we made up, the fact that we have fought at all hurts and makes me question how people bounce back from that first serious fight. How do you pretend that the person you love didn't say all those awful things? How do you pretend that you didn't hear them, that they didn't cut your heart?

You see, we're different when we get mad or are stressed. I talk about everything. I make sure that my feelings are known unless I'm not sure, then I think about it until I am and let people know after. Steve is different. He holds it in until he starts saying things that cut little by little. And I, often let the little comments go, but when he blows up... like he did, I first fight back and then when I'm on the verge of saying something I don't mean, saying something hurtful, I stop myself. I walk away until I've cooled down. Now whether or not he meant what he said, which I don't believe he did, the words are still stuck in my head... the argument was unfair and he was actually mean.

Part of why I fell in love with Steve, part of why I married him is how we have always been able to talk things out before we fight. In fact, before this, I would say he was entirely incapable of fighting or saying mean things, but now I know that's not true. Now I know he forces himself not to. I love him, with all my heart and I've never loved someone more than I love him. But today, it made me realize that I married a man who does share some qualities I hated in others, but the key to me still loving him as much as I always have was also realizing that he doesn't want to be like that and 99.9% of the time, he's not, but today that .1% came out and reared it's very ugly head.

Steve and I ended up talking about it after, once he realized he was wrong and that all the things he said were unfair, unwarrented and uncalled for. He apologized and told me he loved me and that he would try to let me in before he got to that point again. A part of me still wonders how he even got there. I have known for a while that he was stressed out and try as I might to get him to talk, he just wouldn't. I begged him to talk to me on Saturday night and he finally said some things and while they hurt me, I was relieved because he was talking. I knew he was exhausted so I made him finish what he was doing for the house and sent him to bed while I stayed up and deep cleaned the majority of the house.

Sunday morning, I woke up to him being mad and overwhelmed. The only thing I hadn't managed to get done was the dishes but that's because I'd taken a long hot shower at about 3am and was exhausted and couldn't finish. I'd cleaned the livingroom and the kitchen, including under the stove and the laundry room in addition to doing most of the laundry in the house, I'd left the dishes to be done in the morning, right before we showed the house since everything else was done, the kids rooms had been cleaned during the day and our room has been clean for a while (surprise!) so I figured one quick thing in the morning, no big deal. Well, he blew up and said hurtful things, mostly about how I didn't do what I was supposed to do and that he shouldn't have gone to bed because clearly I needed his help along with a few other things. I finally told him all that I did and he said "I'm sorry but..." For me, that means I'm not sorry because... I went outside and ignored him as I cried. I got dressed and made sure the kids beds were made before we had to leave the house (we had a house showing at 1130).

I really didn't talk to him until after we'd gone to the park with the kids and Beau (who is doing better by the way, very happy and healthy). I had taken my camera and took pictures of the kids and him and Beau. Halfway through we sat down and just talked. He apologized for going off on me, saying that he realized how he was wrong and that he was thankful for all I got done. I told him I needed him to talk to me before he did something like that again because I'm just as stressed out and I don't want to be mad at him, he's my best friend.

The day got better from there. We put Beau in the back of the truck and got the kids in and went and got Crawfish and Shrimp for lunch. It was good. After we ate lunch, it stormed bad and flooded our backyard, luckily that drains into the street so it wasn't bad. We all took a nap and relaxed. Dinner came and went and I fell asleep really early causing me to be awake at 1am and now it's 4am.

We have the movers coming in 4 1/2 hours, I have my follow-up dental appointment (thank God, the pain is worse than before) and then the kids have to get shots (oh that'll be fun). Beau and Luna (who are fortunately getting along now) have their vet appointments on Wednesday morning. Beau is getting dewormed (we've noticed they haven't gone away yet) along with his shots and Luna is getting her shots and scheduled for a neutering. Both are getting microchipped. Thursday, Lily has dance class, which I'm glad for, because she loves it.

There's only 22 days until we leave, but the good news is that the people looking at the house seemed to like it and we're hoping for an offer this week. Wish us luck. That'll make my husband alot less stressed and will make my life so much easier.

Anyways, I should try for a couple more hours of sleep. Hopefully, Steve and I are back to good terms, if I could only get what he said out of my head, because I know he's sorry but I know myself and once the words are there, once they resemble ghosts of boyfriends past, I tend to keep them and how they hurt me to myself. I know he doesn't read my blog because he says he doesn't have to, but sometimes I wish he would, because when weakness strikes I find myself more comfortable to telling strangers than I do telling the one person I love more than anything how he has hurt me.

Anyways, I'm out.

22 more days.

A sad and boring day

Today wasn't very exciting, but I'm pretty glad for that. It wasn't very good either, which seems like has been happening too much lately.

It started off okay enough. Beau woke me up by stepping on me while I was in bed and then Steve woke me up by yelling at Beau for chewing on one of Lily's toys. Frustrating but he's just getting comfortable. It'll take him a little longer than three days to learn the house rules.

After I got up, Steve and I talked about random stuff and he went to work, only to come home a little while later because he forgot his phone. We had coffee together and talked about what we have to do this weekend. Too much.

Beau and Luna have been fighting today which is frustrating too. Luna hisses at him and Beau barks at her, causing her to take a clawed swipe at him. At least, she's not mad at me for bringing the dog into our home... A part of me thinks Steve is not so happy about it.

After he left again, it was almost lunchtime for the kids so I fed them lunch, played around on RBL asking very random questions. The reason I ask the questions in case someone doesn't know and is one of my members reading this: I love getting to know you. I love knowing that you each have these lives that are worth knowing about. I read the answers and I give my own. It's a good thing for me because I am often alone at home during the day with only my children and Steve has homework or other work to get done at night, so I'm pretty bored sometimes and having the connection with others is nice. :)

I also talked to one of my best friends today, which was nice. We talked about how she might be getting a dog soon (she's been wanting one just like me and might have found the perfect fit). And about what happened yesterday and how I've worked to resolve that.

Later, when Steve came home from work, he brought me my prescription (it had run out and I'm still in pain from the surgery, so I called to get more and he picked them up) and had bought me ice cream :) Then we watched an episode of the TROOP where I was an extra back in 2009 or so. It was pretty cool to see myself on TV. I've never watched anything I've extra-ed on before.

But then Beau escaped the yard (he's been kind of bullheaded today and been frustrating both Steve and I, but I'm sure I have more patience for him than Steve does) and I had to run to get him. Then I told Steve that he had to put his tools somewhere besides the top of our extra-large dog kennel (for timeout for Beau, it had originally been the puppy we got last summer's training cage but he died of Parvo after only a week) so we could put Beau in when he did something bad, a nonviolent form of discipline. He got irritated with me and then started moving stuff around.

Needless to say I went into the bedroom, where I am now writing this blog because I'm frustrated completely. I don't like when Steve and I are like this. We are best friends most of the time but after the past week, we're both completely frustrated and instead of talking, he gets quiet and moody and acts like there is nothing wrong, which I know there is and when he does that I get mad and ignore him. I know, childish, but it's better than fighting,  and even though I know we'll probably talk it through soon, it's bothering me that I can't talk to him right now.

So now I'm about to go to bed, close my door, turn on Crossing Jordon on Netflix and read my book until sleep mercifully takes me into the dreamland where everything is stress-free and where things are good. At least, I hope so. I hope there are no nightmares tonight. ... there were last night.



24 days until we PCS and I can't wait.

Love,
Leah

Stress, pain, Beau

Well, it's another day in my life. And it seems that lately things have just been so stressful that when good things happen, it doesn't keep me elated for long before the stress returns. I am twenty-four years old, will be 25 later this year. I am married, I am a mother of two. I have two pets (as of now) not including fish. I am PCSing in less than a month with my family. I have a few more appointments that are absolutely necessary before we leave, three of which are an hour away from home. I now have vet appointments to make for my pets, recovery time which isn't going well or smoothly. My husband doesn't seem like himself which is making me feel down also.

Life is just hard. I try to make it a little easier, by doing good things. Like taking Beau in as a member of our family. Like donating to one of the causes RBL is asked to help (this one for a MG walk for the cure). I try to keep positive and spread good karma around so it will return to me, but then bad things happen and I get stressed far more than normal. And I am stressed beyond what I should be at this moment.

I've heard it said that moving is one of the most stressful things a person does. It's probably true considering my anxiety levels right now. Even my husband's "random searches" for items are getting to me. Like he'll ask me if I know where something is when I am clearly doing something, and I tell him "just a minute" and he'll keep looking, making me feel pressured to stop what I'm doing and get him what he's looking for. He's done it to me three times today alone and I just want to snap at him. Like, seriously? I'm already in pain and he has to pressure me to do things for him because he can't wait 2 minutes for me to finish a task and move on.

Update on Beau:::
His ticks are falling off (which is a HUGE relief) and he's eating properly, going to the bathroom and doing all that the way he should. He's also really good on the leash, really loving and just a big lapdog. I did discover that he'll chew my windowsill if he's left alone in a room and the door is shut. Grrr, since we are selling our house in less than a month and now that has to be fixed. But oh well, other than that, he seems to be doing much better and I'm grateful for that.

Anyways, I'm tired and still in pain, hoping to get some rest tonight, but the kids are loud right now and won't quiet down (to be fair, Daddy and Beau are exciting to be around for them). I'm hurting and in desperate need of sleep and freedom from pain.

Love,
Leah

Insomnia

Insomnia. It's a horrible thing sometimes. Right now, I'm sitting on my bed, not even under the covers, with Beau sleeping at the foot of my bed (on the floor, because I'm not sure I got all the fleas or ticks and don't want any of those on me). I just spent the past hour or so fixing my "labels" for the blog, I always manage to forget to label as I'm writing so I had to go back over nearly 300 posts and delete some and label the rest. I got rid of most of the ones about my exes, because quite frankly, I don't want to remember those times later. Steve is sleeping in the livingroom with Luna because I can't take her hissing at Beau constantly. Beau pretty much leaves her be (even though she could be a snack to him, he's huge!) but she stalks him and hisses when he comes too close. She's not thrilled that I brought a dog into her domain. Oh, well! I'm watching Vampire Diaries on Netflix, because I'm that bored. It's almost 3am and I haven't slept at all. I almost fell asleep when Beau got on the bed and I had to get him off. He's such a big boy who wants to cuddle but I can't let him until I'm positive he's healthy. So tomorrow, I call the vet to make an appointment for both animals. Random thoughts spin through my mind. The stress from that unfounded complaint, the PCS, the whole selling the house thing, Beau, Luna, the kids, my husband, the Army... it's all so overwhelming and I need a relaxing time.

Steve and I were talking what we'd do on our leave between here and Fort Leonard Wood... We decided we'd go camping for most of the duration. Rent a cabin with the kids and the animals, go fishing, go hiking, enjoy some quality time together. It'll be good for us, all of us. Then when we get to Fort Leonard Wood, I have a lot of stress when I get there.

It's just so much stress. When will it go away so I can sleep a full night without it being drug induced (as in sleep aids, not anything harder).

But I am happy. My kids are thrilled to have a dog, I am thrilled to have Beau here. Steve is ok with it because he knows it makes me happy even though he's not so thrilled by the vet bills and the move with a dog, but hey, he loves when I'm happy and is happy when I'm happy, so that helps.

Anyways, time to try for sleep again. Exhausted and am really hoping I get some.

Love,
Leah

Army wives, fact and fictional

Army Wives premiered tonight. It's a great show, but it doesn't always accurately show what the Army is really like. Sure, they get alot right, they even teach things to civilians that I wish they all knew but it's not always that simple. Needless to say, the premiere of season 6 was pretty awesome and I was really glad when Denise lived, when she woke up. She's my favorite Character on the show and if I had to be like any officer's wife, I would choose her.

Tomorrow is my last dental surgery. Thank God! I'm so ready for it all to be done. I definitely don't want to go through it again and Lily has her appointment on the 22nd. Right before we are out of here. I'm ready for all this to be done, for us to get to our next post and just to get settled in. I really, really hate PCSing.

The stress of moving, the stress of dental appointments, the stress of everything is just getting to me and I doubt I'll get pregnant this stressed out. And I just really need to get this done.

I need to get moved and I need to get all of this done so I can move on with our lives, so I can get us settled.  Being an Army wife (a real one) is hard, especially during a PCS. Dealing with stuff and movers and the living without things, changing your address, seeing friends one last time before you leave... The rush to pick up medical records, dental records, childcare records, find a new house, get the internet, cable, electricity turned on... send a million emails and make a million phone calls just to make sure your address is updated on everything, get kids signed up for school, preschool, doctors, dentists, etc... it's so stressful and so hard but this is the Military and this is what wives do. This is my job. And I have to do what's best for my family.

I need this to be done so I can finally feel at peace... I'm so ready.

Love,
Leah

Stressed out

I keep wondering what to write... What is it that I could say that would help my mind shut down... I can't even come up with an answer. You see, we are PCSing and that leaves my mind going over the lists of things we have to do (clean the whole house, sell the house, pack the house, move, find a place for my cat to stay until we find a house, find something to do over the 22 days between here and there, find a way to entertain my kids with no furniture, keep the disagreements to a minimum between my husband and myself, etc). Moving is so stressful normally but when you add the Army on top of it, sometimes I think I'm ready to blow a gasket.

My husband works with some great guys but one of his superiors is kind of bad at his job. He gives out assignments that make little to no sense and my husband rarely has anything nice to say in private (since this blog is public, I won't use names or even say what he says because it might be obvious). It's hard to be the encouraging wife when I also have things going on that he leaves to me to take care of.

When he works from six to six, I am dealing with both children, the cat, calls to places that he asked me to call, cleaning, packing, organizing, planning things that have to be done and it's ok because that's what I signed up for when I signed our marriage certificate but at the same time, it's exhausting and I know that he doesn't understand why sometimes I snap at him or sometimes I just sit in silence and don't say a word to him. It's not because I'm mad at him, but it is because I am stressed and he doesn't necessarily handle my stress the way I'd hope. I love him with all my heart and he is the best guy in the world, but he is a guy and guys don't get the whole stress thing.

A. When a girl gets stressed out, two things can happen, either her cycle can come quicker or it can be delayed. ... In my case, it comes faster, so I deal with PMS on an already shortened cycle (I'm a 24 days between normally) and have to try to remain calm even though my hormones are going crazy.

and

B. The stress a woman puts on herself, as a mother, as a wife, as the person who takes care of the house and the day-to-day errands and tasks, as a woman in general is always high. Women tend to aim to achieve and I'm not different there. I want to be successful in all I do, so having too many things happening where I can't devote all of my attention to the main tasks and am instead sharing that attention with too many diversions is difficult and makes me disappointed with myself. And my husband couldn't possibly understand that.

You see, we are a happy couple and have a good life, but part of that is the efforts I put forth to provide a stable and loving home that gives my family good feelings and a safe, comfort zone. In public, I am direct, to the point and polite to everyone. In private, I get the things done that need to be and am playful with my kids and my husband. But lately the playing is minimized and that's hard for me. It's also hard that when I put out my list of things to do for the day, I only manage to get about half of what I planned to do done.

I don't like struggling to accomplish things. I'm not good with it. I am a survivor and I've fought hard to be the person I am with the experiences that I've had. And failing myself... it's worse than failing anyone else.

I guess, I need sleep and I need a break. I just don't know when that break will happen because I'm too busy and have no time to accomplish what I have to anyways.

Anyways, off to get some rest. Another busy day of tasks and meetings is about to hit me... hard.

Love,
Leah

Redhead and cleaning

PCSing... So much stress, so many things to do on top of normal every day things and things you actually want to do. For instance, tomorrow we have a meeting with the realtor to officially start the paperwork to sell my house. I'm not exactly excited about it.

Tonight, I did manage to make time for myself and dyed my hair again. Bright red, my favorite color. I also went to walmart and got season 6 & 7 of House on dvd, the Lion King and Tangled. I also picked up three new bouquets of flowers, two wildflowers and one of white roses. I also picked up some yummy breakfast foods for myself and treated myself to some nail polish and lip gloss. I needed a break from the regularity of laundry, cleaning, parenting... So dying my hair definitely helped me relax by spending time on me.

Although, thankfully, I have gotten alot done. Between cleaning the laundry room, organizing Steve's PT gear and regular uniforms, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen, my room, the kids rooms, I've made progress. I do have all of Steve's packets, between what his options for his career are after the career course and where we can live. 

Anyways, that's all I really have to say, I'm exhausted and I still have more to do.

Ciao,

Leah

Ash Wednesday and life

I finally managed a good night's sleep last night. I was so glad to sleep that I actually woke up early. My husband had staff-duty last night and I haven't seen him since he had a meeting with Transportation this morning about the PCS move soon. The kids are loud and driving me crazy, laundry is in the washer and dryer, a dent in the backlog I have since my Washer was broken until yesterday (turns out it was a sock stuck in between the actual washer part and the motor, which ended up costing $200 to have them take it apart and remove the sock and put back, outrageous) and it's Ash Wednesday. The time I think about my life, what needs to go, what I have to sacrifice and what will make us, as a family, happier and me, as a woman, more fulfilled. I've decided to give up Cheesecake for lent and to start listing the five things that made me happy throughout the day, every night before I go to sleep. Also, no meat on Fridays, of course and no soda on Sundays. Even though it doesn't sound like much, for me, it will be challenging.

This morning, in addition to doing laundry, I'm catching up on my DV-R, or would, if my Satellite dish was properly placed after redoing the roof. I'll have to have my husband fix it tonight after work. Nothing is recording and I certainly don't want to miss watching my shows for the rest of the week. But I just watched House, one of my all time favorite shows and Monday's episode has left me wondering even what I'm wondering. It was so different for some reason that I can't name and I don't really have an answer for what I'm really thinking.

So the day is full of doing laundry, trying to get the swing of things back before my next surgery (March 5th) in hopes that I can do everything I need to do in the next two weeks because I'll be out of it for another week or so, perhaps longer. It's so stressful, trying to get things done when you aren't absolutely sure what is going to happen. All I do know, is that I'm stressed out. And I haven't really been able to have any time with my husband in the past week and a half. Something I'm hoping to change ASAP.

Anyways, it'll be another long day full of house-wife things to do. But such is life.

Love,
Leah

Moving & Religion

It's 240am local time. I'm stressed out by the amount of projects we have to get done by April 2nd. Yep, I know my date of when the movers will come and pack our stuff out to ship to Fort Lost-in-the-Woods, Missouri. I'm excited and sad at the same time.

I moved to Louisiana almost a year ago, to get away from my past and to welcome my future and to wait on my Soldier. I had been living in NY at this time last year, hating where I was, hating my mother (for many reasons, but for one very important one, she threatened to kill me by holding a shotgun aimed at my face), hating the cold and the snow and the lack of happiness to be found there. I needed to get myself and my children away from her. At the time, Steve was deployed and I was back in my family's town trying to figure out my life. It wasn't my hometown, I was a Military Brat and because of that, I never really had a hometown. (Although, I do call Jersey my home state.) He had come to NY on his R&R from Afghanistan and hated that place as much as I did and told me that he wanted me to move to Louisiana and get away from the bad stuff that kept me so unhappy. So in early March or April (honestly, I forgot exactly when I moved because it doesn't really matter), I moved to Louisiana with the kids to wait for our hero to come home. I met new people and fell in love with this state for what it offered me: Freedom from my family (mainly my mother), a home to set up and a future with my Soldier.

Since moving here, Steve came home in August of 2011, he and I got married. I met his family, wonderful friends and fell in love with the local foods (Cajun and Creole are amazing dishes). I miss things from the other places I've lived but at the same time, I love the small-town America vibe this place has. And soon, we will move to another place that I've never been, we will be surrounded by new people, living in Army housing on post (since it will only be for a year) and we will be celebrating our One year married, and our three years together in Missouri. Lily will start Kindergarten and Jax will be in preschool. I'm thinking of heading back to school for a Psychology degree and taking advantage of my father's GI Bill (as is my right as a survivor).

To move, however, we have to sell our house, make it appear perfect (which adds to so much of my stress), finish my dental things, and finish packing things that clutter our home (aka all the stuff that I won't be needing until at least May). There is nothing easy about PCSing. The thing that makes me grateful, though, is that I won't have to think too much about my in-laws and their misunderstanding and their lack of knowledge about my faith (which is our biggest obstacle in my relationship with them).

I really don't know how to deal with them. All I know is that my religion is misunderstood by them and I probably am misunderstanding their own, except I have asked my husband questions concerning their faith and found myself confused. Don't get me wrong, I know the Catholic church has some issues and possibly some corruption. I know that we have what people would consider "False Idols" in Saints (which, fyi, we don't worship, we simply pray to them in our time of need, we acknowledge their legacies and pray that they will guide us. However, I still accept Jesus (even if sometimes I question things too much) in my heart, and always have. I believe that God has so much to do with six billion (or is it seven billion now?) on earth and he delegates to the Angels and the Saints to help His people. But I also believe that other faiths are probably just as right and wrong as my own, that there are many paths into Saint Peter's Gates, that there are many different faiths that have lessons worthy of learning. I don't believe that any church could possibly have all the answers, nor does the Bible, but I do believe that it holds valuable information and lessons that I hang on to with my heart. I don't know all the answers, but I do know that there are good people who aren't Christian and there are bad people who are. I don't believe in a cruel God who would send good people to hell just because they are born into a faith or chose to believe in a certain faith that is contrary to the Christian way. Just as I do not believe that God would allow bad people into Heaven, who are neither deserving or repentant.

Some of my favorite parts of being catholic are confession, mass, communion and traditions. I love how you can go into any Catholic church in the entire world and the feeling inside is always the same, and for me, it means home, family and something divine. There is usually the same smell too, a mix of perfumes, the unscented candles that burn, the incense that burns purification, and the holy water always feels the same, cool to the touch yet warms on your heart and head as you cross yourself. I have a cross my father brought me back from Italy that was blessed by the Pope and I have my rosary that I've had for so long, a bracelet with pearls and the crucified Christ. I remember the lessons from Sunday School and Summer camp. I remember my first Communion and my confirmation.

I won't make my kids become Catholic though. I don't think I want my decedents entering my church, however I don't want them in my in-law's church either. It honestly terrified me to be there. I saw judgement where in my own, I saw love. I heard the sermon and found myself confused because it was of not judging others while judging them at the same time. I don't want my children being raised to believe that judging anyone, without a real cause is wrong. For example, you can judge a pedophile because he is a monster, not a human being but you cannot judge a young Muslim girl just because of her faith. The Pedophile prays on children, destroying their innocence and taking away the path their lives should have gone. The Muslim child has harmed no one and her only fault is by being born into a Muslim family.

The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, est pater, est filius, et spiritus sanceti. That is the Holy Trinity. That is what I believe in. Let me explain. I believe that God is the Father, he is my Heavenly Father as my Dad was my Earthly one. He created me (whether or not evolution was involved, which I believe is part of the "Seven Days" it took for God to create the Earth, pardon me, I consider science as well as the Bible for the beginnings of the human race) and everything else on Earth, past and present. Jesus, the Son, died for my sins and is my Savior, he has repented for me (although I also repent for my own sins, through confessions). And the Holy Spirit is that part of your soul that is drawn to the Heavens, the part that allows you to do Good and to make peace in the world. If you are good and try to be a good person and devote yourself to your own faith, the Holy Spirit inside you connects you to God and Jesus, but if you are bad and remorseless about your faith, then your Holy Spirit is replaced by a void inside. Now, don't misunderstand me, I don't know if this is what all Catholics believe (there have been so many branches break off and bend to the wills of the people, but this is what my Priest as a child explained to me). I don't believe my friends who are atheist or even agnostic are bad people, and I don't believe they'll go to Hell unless they die with a Hate in their heart that is incurable, however none of my friends, not even the ones with Anti-Christian tattoos are headed for hell. Not that I know of anyways. If they are, then most likely I'll follow them, as we agree on so much of life and only disagree where God is concerned, although we don't talk about our differences of faith. It's unimportant to our friendship and the love that we share.

I think I started to ramble. I didn't mean to but I just can't seem to explain myself right. Not on here, nor to his family. I can't explain how hard it is for me because Faith has never been a big issue in my life. I've had friends in so many different ones, but they all carried values that mattered to me: Loyalty, Courage, Honor, Integrity, Self-less Service, Duty and Respect. I don't care what others believe, and I doubt God would be that Hateful to people who carry these values at the core of themselves. Anyways, my in-laws disagree with most of what I've said before, which is basically what I wrote above. They don't understand how I can't see how "lost" I am, and I don't understand why they would think that. But when two different worlds meet, you can't help but have misunderstandings. I only pray that one day, we will be able to sit down and find ourselves looking past those differences, because as one human to another, from myself to you still reading, I don't think it matters nearly as much as we think it does.

Anyways, it's now 340 and I just spent an hour releasing thoughts from my worried mind. I wish I could talk to my in-laws like I can talk to my friends or even the "Moms" that have adopted me as part of their family. It would be nice to talk to my mother-in-law about kids or her son and how proud I am of him and how wonderful a man she raised. Maybe one day it will happen....

Good Night again.

Love,

Always and Forever,

Leah

Day One of 2012

Life is so busy and 2012 has not made it any less so. I have been spending the night cleaning the house...

Trying to get the 2011 clutter cleared out. I have made so much progress.

I cleaned the bathroom tonight, taking care of my husband and kids' empty shampoo and soap bottles and picking up the bath toys and putting them into their bins, reorganizing the medicine cabinet.

Then there is the livingroom, where I rearranged the room to make space for my Wii and my exercise area. I must have spent about 400 dollars on everything I need to work out. From Zumba for the Wii to the clothes for the gym and my pilates/yoga mat and all the accessories for that. My plan is to get in such great shape that when I get pregnant, I can keep exercising  and have an easy pregnancy and delivery.

The kitchen is my next stop. I have to clear the table and make sure that I get that all taken care of.

In addition to all that, I've been planning Lily's 5th birthday party. It's Hello Kitty themed and I have already gotten most of the invites filled out and ready to be mailed out. I'm excited for her. I never had many birthday parties and am so excited to have her party. We are going to do cake, presents and play with the Wii. She doesn't really understand yet but she keeps walking around the house saying "I'm four, almost five and I'm going to have a party for me." I'm glad she's excited and through her party I will get to know more of the mom's in the area. Sadly it will only last about four months until we PCS to Missouri.

I have been reading a great book though called "A Game of Thrones" by George R.R. Martin (it's the first book of a series, the one based on the TV show.) I am just trying to keep a balanced life.

Between my kids schedules and my husband's, I have such a busy life that working out and reading are my time. I'm pulling an all nighter to clean the house and make sure that I get a little me time. It's great when the house is silent and I get to watch whatever I want to and all that. I am planning to do a little Zumba later... My husband promised to take the kids to Catfish Cove tomorrow so I can sleep.

I love my life. I love how busy it is, even with the kids and the hubby and the FRG and all the doctor appointments and the dentists and dance classes (Starting thursday) and birthday parties and play dates and friends... It's a busy life but it's worth it. This is my life, the life of an Army wife and I'm damn proud to be one.

The only negative thing that happened was my biological father chose to block me out of my sisters' lives because I won't call him Dad. I had a Dad, a wonderful one, who raised me and taught me how to live. I like to say he never told me how to live, he simply lived and let me watch him do it. I learned so much from him and I can't consider the man who abandoned me for a new family my father. He's a biological father, a sperm donor but they are my sisters regardless. And I want to know them, but he is preventing that. Oh well. Anyways, that was my only negative thought of the day.

The positives include starting the New Year with amazing happy thoughts. I am excited for 2012. :)

Love,
For Now and Forever,

Leah