Drama never stops

So today was a bad day. I won't go into too much detail but I had more bullshit petty army wife drama to deal with. It was the same shit I had to go to Family advocacy about. The worst part is that I just had my surgery on Monday so I was in pain and then when people I didn't want at my house showed up, I was scared (and pain and fear = anger for me), so I got mad and used my anger to make me feel stronger. And since I was angry, I wasn't open to what was happening and might have made things a tiny bit worse than I intended. The only good part was that my husband came home and we had all our ducks in a row. He helped me calm down and answer all these people's questions. I was so angry though and basically went off on this woman for being cold-hearted (She told me that my surgery or the pain I was feeling didn't matter, her words). They told me that I have to take my kids to see a doctor. Well, you dumbass bitch, I do that anyways, like on Monday when they have shots again! I also have an appointment for my daughter in Alexandria on March 20th!  When they finally left, I broke down. I cried and hugged Beau. Steve took Lily to dance class and promised to bring home pizza for dinner. After he left, I called my best friend and told her what happened. She was with me in spirit, because sadly, she's too far away to be here in person. I'm so glad I was able to talk to her about the whole thing. I wouldn't be able to handle all that has been going on without her or Steve. Between the two of them, they keep me going and keep me smiling (along with my babies, all four of them :P)

See, Steve and I make a great team in anything we do. Where I'm over-emotional, he's calm and steadfast. Where I am more creative, he's more practical. And today, his calmness was necessary and my anger was an obstacle.



What I don't understand, and probably never will, is the extent of how truly low people get. I mean, I should know by now it happens, but for some reason, that always escapes me. Maybe I'm too naive or maybe I have just seen so much evil that I search for the good in everyone and that one good quality I find, blinds me to the reality of them. After all, I was kidnapped, I was abused, I have gone through emotional pain that I wouldn't wish on anyone. My biological father kidnapped me and abandoned me with strangers just to keep me from my mother, but she didn't treat me any better than he did when I was finally given back to her (after almost 4 years).  I was an abused child, beaten and emotionally torn apart by my mother. I was the pawn in a war between my grandmother and her. My father (my step-father, but real father of my heart) was the only person who gave me love in my house as a child and he didn't know until my late teens what was going on and by then, he was a full-blown alcoholic, incapable of stopping it. I was beat by a boyfriend or two (like I said in a previous blog, I've made mistakes) and I have been cheated on. I lost the only parent I ever had that loved me and have no connection to my biological parents at all.

Maybe the fact that I've seen so much bad, lived through so much hell, is the reason I never expect it anymore. Actually, I thought had ended when I married Steve. Maybe that was also naive to believe. But everything was so much better with him. He knew all my scars and he knew all my pain. He never used it against me or made me feel like it made me a bad person. If anything, he saw that my past makes me more compassionate, more willing to see the good in everyone, even people I don't like. He knows that I love animals because they aren't mean by nature, that I have to have a pet otherwise my heart hurts (yep, I really feel depressed without something to pet and love on and get unconditional love from). Luna became mine because my old cat (Riot) disappeared and I couldn't find her anywhere. I was so depressed. So he let me adopt Luna. When Beau came, he knew he wasn't getting out of us keeping him unless someone claimed him and no one has.

He knows that I can't even spank my kids because it makes me feel horrible. I never want to be my mother. I would kill myself first. Even the moments where I yell at them, I feel like I'm too much like her. I spend time with my kids. I encourage their activities. I want them to be themselves. I spoil them. I was never really spoiled by my mother and if it weren't for the fact that she was expected to let me have activities, she would have kept me home, locked up in my room. It was my dad who let me date (surprise!) and it was my Dad who took me shopping for clothes I actually wanted to wear. If she had her way, I would have only worn pink and white and dresses. I hated those colors and dresses until I was in my early 20s. I had such a horrible mother that I do everything possible to be better than her and to be more like my Gram.

My Gram is my inspiration of what a mother, what a grandmother and what a woman in general should be like. She's amazing. She's strong and stubborn and full of life (even in her 70s!) and wonderful. All of her kids love her, all of her grandkids love her. She's my grandfather's second wife and ever since I was about 7 or 8, maybe a little older, I've called her Gram. She's never treated me like I wasn't one of her Grandkids, even though she also hates my mother (it's something we both agree on, that she's a liar and crazy and not worth having in your life at all). She's a great cook, was a great wife to both her husbands (her first husband, Jack, died before I was born, I believe and is the father of her two sons and one daughter) and buried two husbands. She's so strong and honestly, there aren't words that can describe her. She'll yell at you, cuss at you, and tell you she loves you in the same conversation. She'll make the best fudge ever and spoil you with her food and then tell you why you aren't doing something right. She'll tell you not to screw it up when everything is going right.  She's still up early in the morning, helps my cousins watch their kids since they live close to her and makes time to talk to me at least once every couple of weeks, usually every week. I love her so much.

I've had this amazing inspiration on my life and she doesn't fit the normal mold for "Grandmother" at all. And I love that about her. I don't want her to be normal. I like who she is, and I want to be like her. In some ways, I am. I'm stubborn like her and I tell people like is like her. I hope in all ways I can be like her. It's my greatest wish. She isn't normal and that's what makes her perfect. :)

So because I have these great people in my life, from my husband, my perfect partner, my soulmate, my husband, to my best friends to my Gram, I have so many people watching to make sure that I am the best I can be. They make sure I'm a good mother, a good wife, they talk me down from the "I'm about to do something crazy/stupid/_fillintheblank_" place I can sometimes get and they encourage my happiness.

Plus I couldn't imagine ever hurting my children. WHO COULD HURT A CHILD?? And why would someone believe I would?!? But I know the truth, that petty wife, she doesn't actually believe I am neglecting my children (I have proof up the waszoo that I don't!), she just hates me enough and judges me based on the handful of times we've actually seen each other. That's what hurts the most. What kind of person does she think I am? Like her?? NOPE! And proud to be not only a better mother than she thinks, but clearly a better person than she is.

So today, I dealt with more shit that I wanted to and I can't sleep again because of it. The stress is eating at me and I really need a vacation but the good news is in 25 days I am out of this place and I can't wait!!!!


Anyways, I'm off to do something else. Good night.


PS. I hope that nothing I said tonight makes you think less of me, this is the honest truth of what I've been through, maybe not every detail but enough so you get the gist.


Update at 10:50am Friday Morning:::


I called BJach to make an appointment with Maj. Savage (their Pediatrician) and when they asked why I was blunt and told them... The nurse on the line told me You aren't the only one whose pissed off an army wife. I've been there. It made me feel better. She is going to call me back to see if I can just get an overview of Lily's last appointment to send to Family Advocacy and be done with it. :) Yay! I'm glad I'm not the only one who has pissed off a petty wife and I'm glad that people aren't being cruel about it or judging me instantly based on that. Yayness.

Fear.

I'm scared.  Since finding out that my rundown feeling was more than just being rundown, I was wondering if any of you have gotten sick without your man (and I mean more than a flu or something) and how did you handle it? Because if I am truly honest, I'm scared to death somethings going to happen to me. And I don't know what would happen to my kids or anything. 

I'm only 23, almost 24. I'm young and I'm scared this time. I've almost died before, but i wasn't a mother then. It scares me so much that they would be alone. Their biological father has not seen them since summer of 09. That's almost two years. Two years august. He's spent less than 5 months with my son and 22 months with my daughter, where he was barely around, because hanging with the boys was too much fun. He barely makes payments and doesn't have a job. It's a miracle I've managed to raise these kids on my own half the time. 

And then I met Steve and my whole world changed. He is the kindest and smartest and funniest and most understanding man I've ever known. He cares for my children but he's not their father and I don't know how that would work for them... 

It's so hard for me somtimes because I can't have anything happen to me. I have to be here. And then I thought, what would being sick do to Steve, who is deployed right now? What would I tell him? How would I tell him that we didn't get to have happily-ever-after and not because of an act of war but because my own body betrayed me? 

I'm sitting here, crying, feeling so alone. Because the idea of losing him and losing my kids is hard enough, but the idea of me not being there is absolutely devastating. How could I handle that? How could I leave my babies without a mother, alone in the big bad world? We don't really have anyone who could take care of them. It's been forcing me to think about a will. I don't have one, but I do have a living will. Which basically says if I'm on life support, take me off it if I am confirmed brain dead and donate what organs you have except my heart. I want my heart cremated. I know that seems weird but I want my heart scattered amongs the most beautiful garden I've ever seen, in Germany. It was where I really started becoming the person I am. 

I'd just arrived in Germany in 04. I was feeling really alone and lonely and my mother was sick and my Dad was in the Spec Ops and he just wasn't home and when he was, he was drunk. So my first month there, I take the train and two buses to get there. And as I'm walking around these gardens surrounding an old crumbling castle, I pictured the old world, the homeland, the royals and nobles that walked around there. I imagined the men and women that fought there. That spent their lives there without what we have today. I imagined the simplicity and the values. 

I imagined the girl who waited for her Soldier, just a regular footman, living in the village below and looking up at those gardens drinking in their comfort. I imagined a life that came before. And as I walked those gardens, imagining these scenes, I realized that the path I was on, the one that was leading me straight to hell, well it couldn’t continue. I mean it’s okay to be rebellious, it’s in my very nature to rebel or challenge the “rules and standards” where I see unfairness and treachery. 

And now all I see is unfairness, if I am sick. I see my beautiful happy children lost and alone and without me. I see the love of my life alone with all of my things and I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. I was there once before, surrounded by my first love and best friend’s things after he died. I’m scared. I’m really scared. And I just want everything to be okay.  I wish Steve was here to tell me everything’s going to be ok. I am so alone.