My new life

Well. I'm here. And it's been a while since I blogged but so much has been happening that I've either been too busy or too tired to sit down and post something. We got here almost two and a half weeks ago and tomorrow will have had our house two weeks. I got my stuff on a Friday and by the next Friday (last week) I had unpacked everything and managed to make the new place a home. I am enjoying it here so far, although, let's be honest, most of that has to do with the fact that up until today (and even for most of today) I have had my husband with me.

PCSing is hard because of the stress and the not knowing anyone, so today I held a playdate. I met 5 local wives who brought their kids, mostly girls. My kids had a blast playing with the girls (all the girls were 3 to 5 and the only boy was an eleven month old baby, who I enjoyed holding very much). And I got to meet some pretty awesome ladies. I really hope I can see them again and build a solid group of friends here.

I know alot of people move with the military and end up leaving half their stuff in boxes for weeks, even months, but I can't do that. I literally started unpacking the day my stuff arrived and by the end of the following week, I'd finished everything from unpacking to putting things away the way I like them to hanging up all the pictures and art that I enjoy seeing. I have a need to have my life put back together each time. I've moved so often in my life that having chaos is not something I can handle when enough things are uncertain. The only thing that was lost: my wii. Yep, the movers stole that. Or rather, they claimed they lost it... but I don't believe that.

In other news, I am not pregnant. I found out today that after another month of trying that my hope of having a baby inside me has to wait still. It's so hard wanting something so badly and not being able to have it yet. Steve says he'll go and get checked to see if he's the problem and if it'll help us to do anything different. I just so badly want our baby and I'm ready for our baby... Anyways, it's just another month of trying. I can handle that.

Other than that, the kids are both happy. They have a playroom here and love it. In fact, I'll upload some pictures of our house at the end of this post. It's a really nice house. Also, Beau and Luna are doing good too. Luna is in heat so that's annoying but she's been inside since she got here because I knew it would happen soon.

Anyways, I'm getting ready to put dinner together and relax. Much love.

Who am I?

I thought I'd fill all of you in on the biggest parts of my life, from who I am to how I got here... The good stuff mostly :) It's partly to help bring focus to myself on my own life. I've been down lately and am hoping to feel better soon.

So here goes. Who am I?

Well I'm Leah and I'm 24 years old. I am married to my amazing soldier, Steve, who is a Captain in the Army. I am the mother to two beautiful and wonderful children: my daughter, Lily, a five year old girlie-girl and my son, Jax, a three and a half year old boy who loves dinosaurs and cars. I have two gorgeous four-legged babies: my kitten (well more of a cat now) Luna and my dog (possibly a purebred Great Pyrenees) Beau.

I have made alot of mistakes in my life but my kids have never been one of them. I didn't choose the right man to have them with (if you can even call their biological father a man, sometimes I don't) but I love them more than anything and am so glad they are mine and in my custody.

Lily was born January of 2007, when I was 19. She was a hard pregnancy and a horrible labor but she came into the world with a full head of hair and gasolene eyes. Her hair and eyes have lightened up alot since she was born and now has dark chestnut brown eyes (like me) and dirty blonde/light brown hair. Her favorite things are dance class, her dolls, her dog and cat (she thinks our animals are hers), my husband (Daddy, in her eyes), her brother and me. Her favorite color is pink and she thinks she's a princess.

Jax was born June of 2008, when I was 20, almost 21. He was the simplest pregnancy ever, no morning sickness and a relatively easy labor. He was born with a full head of hair and dark gray eyes with green flecks. Like his sister, those changed. His eyes are now dark brown with flecks of green and his hair is the same as his sister's dirty blond/light brown. His favorite things are dinosaurs, cars, trains, dirt, Daddy, his sister and me.

My own father, who was my first hero, sadly died on October 27th, 2009 and left me broken-hearted and without a family. I loved my Daddy fiercely, as only a daughter can love a father. He was in the US Air Force, in the Special Ops. He spent his life fighting against evil men, teaching me the Military Values that would become so ingrained in me that no one measured up, except my husband. He was funny, kind, amazing. He spoiled me and loved me and took care of me. He did all the things a Dad is supposed to do and more. When he died, I lost so much more than just a Dad. I lost my white-knight, my Hero and my biggest supporter of all my dreams and hopes. In honor of his memory, I got a tattoo on my left calf (actually two) of his unit coin. On one side it says "305th Spec Ops" above a skeleton hand holding arrows and below it says "Darkness Brings Death". On the other side it says "Daddy" above a grim reaper standing in front of the tail of a C-141 and below it says "Sleep Tight". My Daddy's unit motto was "Darkness brings death, sleep tight."

My husband and I met in March of 2010. We were supposed to be pen-pals when he was originally going to deploy with a different unit. He didn't end up deploying but we ended up talking on a daily basis, exchanging texts and emails, building a relationship that we weren't even sure what the future held for it, if it even held anything. We became good friends.

Then in July of 2010, he and I met face-to-face and felt a strong connection. While we both agreed not to make promises until we were positive that we would be able to keep them, we swore that we would stay in touch and send letters while he deployed to Afghanistan. He still called me as much as he could, wrote me letters and I wrote him. Our connection grew as the time passed where we only got to know each other, finding that as each day passed, we thought of each other more and more.

 Finally in November of 2010, I swore that I would wait for him (although I hadn't dated anyone else while he was gone anyways). Also in November of 2010, I started Recruited ByLove, a facebook profile set up to be a support page and friend to other military girlfriends, wives and family members. (The way it's grown has blown my mind and I keep thinking of other ways to expand and make it something real and viable, something that will help not only the women on the page but others who have never even joined).

In January 2011, he came home for R&R and we spent all the time together we could, when we agreed that I would move to Fort Polk to wait for him and live in his house. From the time I lived in Louisiana til he came home, he and I dealt with everything together as much as we could with him being half a world away. I got things ready for his return and he helped me take care of things. We were serious about our future together. Talks of marriage and kids came up.

He came home from Afghanistan in August of 2011, and I was never happier about a man in my life. On post deployment leave, he brought me to Indiana to meet his family, the first time he's ever introduced someone to his family since he'd left home. They didn't like me for their own reasons (that mostly have to do with religious and cultural differences) but that doesn't really matter to me, the only thing that does is how my husband feels about me and he loves me.

After our post deployment vacation, we decided to get married as soon as we could. We started going to pre-marital counceling with his unit Chaplain (who also married us) and believe it or not, our Chaplain picked our wedding date (November 11, 2011).

He officially proposed to me on October 17th, 2011. The way he proposed was so wonderful. We had already picked out my ring (it's gorgeous) and had to have it shipped so I didn't get to wear it without an official proposal :). He took me to the training area of Fort Polk, where little "Afghan villages" are set up and the wild horses roam. I was petting a wild mare and softly talking to the mare when he approached me, got down on one knee and asked me "Leah Gose, will you be my wife?" Of course, I said yes. After all, that was my plan for so long :)

After a month of rushing around to finalize wedding plans and get it all set up, we were married in the Airborne Chapel on November 11th, 2011 (11-11-11) by our Chaplain with close friends and Steve's mother and one of his sisters present. It was a wonderful day and the day my life as the Captain's wife began.

Since we've gotten married, we adopted our cat, Lunatic, a beautiful black and white kitten, made improvements on our house (which we're selling to PCS soon), celebrated holidays, attended Army functions together, spent time as a family together. We have been through doctor appointments, dental appointments, family drama, and alot of other things. We also had our dog, Beau, show up out of the blue and make our family even more complete.

He spoils me rotten and makes my life perfect. Sure, it's not actually perfect. There's drama with petty army wives, frustrations from being in the Army life, bills to pay, things that have to get done, stress from PCSing, raising kids and every day stuff that tends to pile on faster than we can get it done. It's great though, because we are together for as long as we can.

And he encourages me. He encourages RBL and school and my artistic side. He loves that I create beautiful things, from my garden to poetry. He loves that I'm a good mother and that I care. He doesn't mind all my tattoos, or the fact that I want more. He doesn't mind that I dye my hair bright red because the idea of having natural hair bothers me. He doesn't mind that I am a bookworm who reads incessantly. He doesn't mind that I would rather wear cowboy boots and jeans than flip flops and shorts. He doesn't mind that I swear and have an attitude. He likes that I understand the military better than most girls he's ever been with. He likes that I can represent him at military functions and be his public face. He likes that I am a big-hearted softy when it comes to animals and people. He doesn't mind that sometimes I'm over-emotional. He loves me.

And I love him. I love how great he is with the kids. How he is such a hard worker, smart, funny, caring, wonderful, overall amazing. I love that he's getting his Master's degree soon. I love that he's strong enough to deal with things that I can't. I love that he has such a strong moral compass and doesn't deviate from his views, even if I disagree with them. I love that he has his own ways to have fun and I have mine. I love that we are close and that neither of us want to be with anyone else.

The fact is, my life is pretty great. I have these beautiful children who make my world a little bit more sparkle worthy. I have this great man that loves my kids like they are his own, that loves me with all his heart. A man who lets me keep animals as soon as I have my heart set on them. I love that he gave me everything I ever dreamed of and more. I have a beautiful cat who purrs almost every time I pick her up and cuddles with me when she has a chance. And now, I have this handsome dog, who isn't overly affectionate, but enough to know he loves me already.

I have friends that I love to talk to. My closest friends are Megan and Liz, who sadly live far away from me. Megan is in New Jersey and I introduced her to my friend, Eric, an enlisted soldier, who I met while being his pen-pal while he was in Iraq. They are so good together and every time I hear about how they are doing, a part of me feels so great. I was able to introduce a good couple to each other. Liz is in Florida and hasn't found anyone serious yet, but we go back a long time and know each other really well. Both of those girls are my sisters of the heart. I'm so lucky to have such great friends in them.

Our future holds a new post in less than two months, hopefully a baby, named Hunter or Willow, maybe a puppy in addition to Luna and Beau. Hopefully, I will have more friends, a more active social life and more things to be happy about in the future.

I am happy. I am in love. I am faithful, compassionate, loyal, loving. I have a big heart when it comes to kids and animals. I am untrusting when it comes to men and don't get along that well with women. I'm shy around new people and am one of those people where you either love me or hate me, there really isn't middle ground. I love music of all kinds. I love to watch TV on DVD or on Netflix rather than watch commercials. I love hockey and football, teams being the Jersey Devils and the Washington Redskins. I love to read and have already read almost 30 books this year alone (and it's only March 8th). I love to knit from time to time and I love to take pictures and edit them. I love to spend time with my family and I love to cuddle with my pets. I love when my husband takes me to dinner and I love when we all go out together. I love when everything is going good and nothing is going wrong.

And most of all, right now I just am happy to be alive, despite the stress... Sometimes I have to go over the past couple of years to see how great my life really is... I'm a lucky girl.

Love,
Leah

I'm just sad

Well, I'm not pregnant... For a minute there (or six days) I thought I might be, even with two negative tests. My menstrual cycle is like clockwork. I get it ever 24/25 days or so and this time, it was six days late. I was worried and excited and then this morning (after having insomnia all night and waking up at 11am, after finally falling asleep around six am) I went to the bathroom and after a few moments, I realized that the cramps were awful, worse than normal, actually and then it came. I had just told my husband about ten minutes before that I was six days late and needed another test. Well, I didn't get one because I didn't need it. And a huge part of me is sad about that and yet, a little relieved.

I want to get pregnant badly. I want to have our baby. I want to have that with us together and for the past couple of days, I thought I was. I thought, it's here, finally, I have this little starting point and I will only have more joy in the nine months ahead. But I'm not and the sadness makes me feel stupid. After all, it's only the first period since we started trying and I know it takes longer than that sometimes. But still, I feel a little heart broken and these cramps are awful. Way worse than normal.

I did cut back considerably on smoking since I thought I might be (only 4 yesterday) and there is such a disappointment that it wasn't worth it, and yet, I know it was. I did the right thing in cutting back. It will be easier to quit if I can keep my smoking to the absolute minimum.

Steve wasn't really disappointed but it's different for guys and it's not like he's the one who knows what's happening with my body before I tell him. He didn't even know until this morning that I was even thinking that I might be. I mean, he knew I'd taken two tests and both were negative, and he also knew I was late, but he didn't know how late. So there I am, sad that I'm not and sad that I can't really share that sadness with him because he's not sad. He's just him and sadness isn't apart of his personality.

Once I asked him if Iraq changed him. (That was his first deployment, before we knew each other.) And although he lost friends and saw things that weren't normal for most Americans, the events that happened are normal for the Military. He told me "I guess in some ways they did, I mean I learned that I couldn't be close-minded about other cultures and I learned that bad things happen for reasons I can't explain but I have more mental stability than other people and I guess it didn't really change me." Then he told me, "You probably have seen more than I did when you worked at the hospital." It's true there, I did. Men burned, shot, bloodied. Men without arms, without legs. Men with faces contorted by blasts and bullets and pain. Men that were beaten and broken and not at all human anymore. These men, these strong and brave men, these are the guys that I saw and sometimes, it still gets to me.

We both have PTSD, but ours are different. His is from being in war and he's able to control it for the most part. On bad nights, he just holds me tightly and I'm his safety net. He clings to me and keeps himself in the present instead of going back.  Mine comes from being in the hospital, seeing what I saw. I dream of battles I've never faced, see things I've never seen and being the victims of these things, seeing the injuries I saw on others on myself. Normally, I don't dream about it much anymore. I'm safer now, I'm better now. But the truth is, that they hit sometimes and the other night, I had one.

It was after Steve and I went out to dinner and to see Act of Valor. It's an amazing movie that left me crying and missing my father... (He was Special Ops and died in service and that letter, the letter written by "Chief Dan" to his best friend's unborn son, hit me so hard, they were like words I'd heard my father say, things I'd never heard him say... a combination that left me with a fresh wave of pain at the loss of my father.) We came home and when we went to bed, I turned on Bill Engvall (I can't sleep without TV and on nights when I'm more emotional, I put on stand-up comedy just to avoid the bad dreams). It didn't work that way though. I had a nightmare and another nightmare and I couldn't wake up. I didn't scream and didn't move and I couldn't make myself turn towards my husband and cling to him. I just couldn't make myself get out of this fictional world where I was.

I was in Iraq or maybe Afghanistan. I don't really know, as I've never been to either, all I know is that at my feet were wounded men... wounded men I knew. My father and the "uncles" I knew from his unit, years ago, before we transferred to Germany, before I started working at LRMC, before I saw horrors I'd only imagined or seen on TV or partially healed. They were there, all of them, wounded from a blast, from bullets, from whatever else my mind could think of. And there I was, a medic, working on them, trying desperately to save their lives, to force them to stay with me. I don't really remember what all happened but I know that I failed. They all died and I finally woke up in a cold sweat, tears drying on my face and my husband sound asleep next to me. I didn't scream or moan.

I know because he wakes me up and holds me when I do. He knows my nightmares well and has often held me, often made it so I am safe in reality instead of locked in the prison of black and blue and bloody thoughts. I sometimes get nightmares and can't sleep during the night, not until the sunlight peaks through and I feel safe that the darkness is gone. That's what happened last night. I stayed up all night and watched some stupid show on Netflix (and it really was stupid) but the fear of going to sleep and the fear of facing thoughts that I couldn't bare made it so I couldn't... I just couldn't turn my mind off.

And then, when I wake up, my hopes of being a mother again, ruined by either stress (which I'm under alot of right now) or just wasn't pregnant at all, although I've never been this late before without being pregnant, so I just don't know.

And now there's a sadness in me, from that movie, which was amazing but broke my heart again, the nightmares that brought me back to that darkness I'd thought was almost in the past, and the loss of a strong hope. And the happiness, it just isn't here.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and I'm so very grateful that he's mine. I'm grateful that we have a future together and that my children are happy and healthy and we are a great family, but a part of me is just lost in time, wishing I could make sense of the past few days. I'm not really here, I'm somewhere else and I'm not really sure where that is... It's like I'm here but there's an invisible field around me, fogging the world up so I can't think straight. And I don't know why.

But that's all I have to say for now... I'm just sad...

Baby fever

I have big news... well the news that will hopefully lead to big news soon. Steve and I had a real talk last night, about babies and our future. We were trying to think of a time where getting pregnant would be optimal but we both disagreed that certain times would be best, and then we just decided we'll leave it to God. So we are officially not preventing pregnancy at all. And I'm excited.

Last night, we had our first round of completely unprotected sex. I have two pregnancy tests in my bathroom cabinet waiting for a late-period and waiting for us to announce our first baby together... He's not Lily or Jax's biological father but he is a great father to them. And he and I are both ready to have a baby together. A little Ramsbottom. We have already come up with names::: For a boy: Hunter Timothy Edward. For a girl: Willow Brooke Lee. Either way, our little one will be a wonderful addition to our family. Even the kids gave their approval to having a little brother or sister.

Jax especially loves babies. He is always playing with other people's little babies, trying to make them laugh, giving them back their toys, offering his own. He's got the instincts already of a big brother.

Lily on the other hand, only wants a little sister. She's decided one brother is more than enough and would like Mommy and Daddy to have a girl. But both are excited at the possibility of a baby in the house. Lily even said "I help you, Mommy" when I asked her how she felt about a baby joining our family.

I can't wait for this pregnancy though. I love my two children but I wasn't ready for a baby and both were surprises to me, completely unplanned. I was thrilled, of course, to have my little girl and little boy. I love being a mother so much. I'm just excited to be ready, to plan a baby, to have the resources to have a good life, that my children are old enough to welcome a little brother or sister into this world and understand what is going on. Lily wasn't old enough to understand that Mommy was pregnant when her little brother showed up, so this time, it'll be this amazing adventure with all of us.

Plus Steve will be home for the pregnancy and for most of the first year, even if he deploys, if I get pregnant by fall. This makes me so happy. The idea of having him home, the idea of having his baby and having our little family grow even bigger just makes me thrilled. I couldn't possibly be happier.

Anyways, that's all I have to say for now. I'll keep you posted :)

Love,
Leah