My life now... it's amazing

So I just wrote a blog for my ex's fiance. We had a big blow up between us early last year. It seems strange to me now, considering where my life has gone. I went from struggling every day to being so happy and comfortable and having all my dreams come true. I hate to admit this, but my part in everything that went down was not a small one but I am grateful for how I can look at that past mistake as it is... a past mistake.

I am, however, sad that today is the 2nd anniversary of my father's death. Today brings back memories of the day he died. I think the reason I clung so hard to my ex after our break up was how he was to me that day and the horrible days that followed. I had a broken heart due to my father's death and I couldn't see past the darkness except for the comfort I had to cling to. I miss my father, with all my heart but honestly, my father's death meant my life had to change... and it has. Not only did I find my true love but I found my life's purpose, my  goal in life. I am a wonderful mother, whose kids are growing into kind, respectful, polite and playful kids. They are happy, healthy and now have a man who is so much like my father, it sometimes takes my breath away. I, now, have what I'd always wanted and never dreamed of... a soon-to-be husband who loves me completely, who laughs with me, who holds me while I cry, who wants my life to be more about joy and less about surviving. I am marrying someone above the caliber I thought I could. I am marrying a Captain, I am part of the world I felt most at home with again, I am blessed with a comfortable home, plenty of food in my fridge and freezer, room for my children to grow, a community I understand and appreciate. I am truly happy. Truly in love.

This morning, I broke down and cried. Steve was at PT when I woke up and the day... what today is... hit me. I curled up on the couch and cried. When he came home to change, he sat next to me, pulled me into his arms and just held me while I cried. He only let go when I was ready. He kissed me and told me that my father would be proud of me, and then he whispered that he loved me and couldn't wait until I become his wife. I know how blessed my life has become.

Today also held something joyous. My wedding dress arrived. It's the most beautiful gown I have ever owned and probably will. My wedding will be the most wonderful day of my life, not counting the day I had Lily or the day I had Jax, or the days I have Steve's children, which we have planned to start trying for in a year. It is my joy that I can have a big family, a beautiful wedding, and spend the rest of my life with the man I have always wished for but never believed existed.

So, I am not angry anymore. I have moved forward and I am happy. I am in love, I am a million adjectives to describe perfect joy but words aren't enough. What is enough is the knowledge that my life is worth it, that our lives together are worth it, that my children will always be loved and cared for and  comfortable. They do not want for anything, they are spoiled with more toys than they need, more clothes than they need, and have more love than I ever imagined they would, after all my mistakes. We go to church, we eat meals together as a family, we smile and laugh... we read stories before bed, we play together, we do things as a family.

And most importantly, we will always have that.

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Daddy, I miss you still, I always will. You were my first hero and always will be.

Rest in Peace, always loved, forever remembered, endlessly missed.

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Steve, I can't wait to become your wife. Only 15 days!!!! I love you, for now and forever!!! xoxox

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Crystal, be happy, be in love, have the life you want. I hope you do. :)

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Love always,

Leah

Thoughts on past and present love

I am so glad I knew him. Even though, he and I are no longer even friends, I am glad he was in my life for as long as he was. I did love him for who he was but we were never meant to be and one day, I just woke up to the reality and ended our relationship which had lasted for over 18 months. There are good memories that make me tear up to remember but there are countless others that make me feel more grateful to have Steve in my life. I don't like having regrets and although I have more than I'd like, the path of my life is what it was meant to be, I made choices, good or bad and the results and consequences are mine to deal with. I realize sometimes I carry a burden inside that no one ever knows because I can't trust anyone with that shameful part of me that feels like I fail at my ambition to be who I want to be. I spend my life trying to live up to my own expectations and even greater, but like all people, I fail myself daily to do the work, to put in the effort, to hang on and stay strong. I find myself lacking and I realize that I am okay with that because I am human. I am a woman who is capable of many things and do many things, not only for myself, but for those I love, my friends who are family and my family who are friends. 

He was an important part of my life though, for three years we were just friends. We had movie nights with other friends, we played poker and monopoly, we bullshited and joked and had adventures as only friends. And then one day it changed from that. I don't regret it, really because I was able to have another adventure, another chapter in my life. I have memories I wouldn't trade, even though sometimes, the pain I feel of knowing I lost a friend at the end probably will last a lifetime. I value my friendships with my exes. I have several good friends, whom I dated once upon a time. 

Would I trade Steve for my friendship? Never in all the years of the universe. He is my love. Today we were talking and he told me that he planned to be with me forever. I cried because it was the first time he actually said forever and it was the first time anyone has said that to me. I feel so loved and blessed. I am lucky, and I know you can't have it both ways sometimes, but those times there is a tinge of sadness in the happiness that I feel.