Find myself

I sometimes think your past needs to visit you every so often just so you can remember who you used to be, why you were that way, what you wanted then and how different it all is to who you are now, why you are you now, and what you want now.

Lately, I've been remembering a lot, from my time in Germany to now and the memories, they don't fade quietly into the background like we all seem to think they should but rather sit in the back of your mind, biding their time to when a song or a food or a moment allows them to come rushing back. It starts with one but eventually they all come flooding back. From the time you were picked up for that first date with that first guy you really liked and the song on the radio captures that moment and whenever you hear it, you are back in that car with that boy and no matter how many times you hear it, it will always represent that boy. Or when you eat a meal at a restaurant, one you'd eaten so many times without realizing what it meant and then you remember the days where you sat with your Dad in some restaurant somewhere eating and talking and you just fall apart because you miss him. Or when you smell the fresh cut grass and you are back to being seventeen, laying on the lawn of a castle in some foreign country with the guy you love holding you as you talk about a future moment. When a breeze hits you the right way and you're a few years older and wiser than you were at seventeen but still a fool with your heart and you remember that guy that you were friends with first and then messed it all up by being in a relationship... and you can't help but remember the friendship and miss that because even though the relationship sucked, the friendship was good.

So I've been remembering moments of my life. Moments that matter and made so much of my life matter and brought me to this moment in time. I don't regret a single mistake or bad decision because at least I put myself out there. At least, I tried to find things that mattered and tried to find a life that made sense, even if it turned out badly and even if the choices of my past didn't work out the way I'd hoped because I found a better life. I found my life. I just need to find myself again.

Sometimes, the past is still in your life. Like that ex boyfriend who became more of a friend to you than most of your so-called friends back in the day. Like a girl you barely spoke to in high school but who suddenly transformed into one of your best friends. Like the pictures of people you don't even remember their names but sit in a small box that for some reason you can't bare to throw away. Sometimes, the past helps you remember who you were and reminds you how you got to where you are now. So you reach out to someone you haven't talked to in a while and you try to make peace, only to have that door slammed in your face with an insult to go with it and you get sad for a while but you remember that  you were reaching out for yourself and they aren't ready and probably never will be ready for that "forgive and forget" moment you read about in books. Sometimes, the person you never wanted to hear from again reaches out to you and you must make that choice: do you forgive them and forget the past and make new memories or do you cling to the hurt and the bad memories because for some reason letting go of something negative like that is hard and seems almost impossible to imagine that any good could come out of it. Well, I've done both those sometimes this week with members of my past. I reached out to someone who slammed the door on me and let me know that he wasn't interested without actually speaking to me and I've let someone in that I had bad feelings about for a long time based on mutual idiocy of youth. I don't regret reaching out and I don't regret forgiving, it means that I've grown into someone who deserves the life I have now.

I love my life now, married to a wonderful man who loves me and needs me in his life and puts up with my annoying quirks and lets me be myself, even if sometimes, I'm not entirely sure who that is yet, with two wonderful children who love me and make me so crazy happy, I want to burst sometimes. But sometimes, you just have to remember and remember that before you were a mother and a wife, you were a person of your own caliber, with your own identity and your own meaning to it all. And I've started to realize that I miss me. 

Yes, I love being a mother. My kids mean more than anything to me. I would do anything for them, I've done everything for them. I've sacrificed so much of myself to let them have the best I could offer and I did it without question because they are my children. I love when they wrap their little arms around me and say four little words that fill my heart with so much love that it breaks: "I love you, Mommy."

And I love being a wife to my husband. He's my best friend and is the most wonderful man with the most beautiful qualities a person can possess: humility, strength, dignity, courage, honor, honesty, love.  He makes us his first priority and does something with his life that I couldn't imagine having more worth. He's also one of the smartest people I've ever known (Takes his last Final before his Master's degree sometime over next week). He makes me laugh, which for me is the number one quality a man can have because I get stuck in my own head so much, he can actually take me out of it. And I will continue to make sacrifices for him too, because he'll make sacrifices for our Country and that's what our life together will always have in it: a duty to each other and our Country. He's a Soldier and I'm his wife and we will stick together throughout any sacrifice that is needed, even if we are separated by distance of body, our hearts are connected always. And I will always be proud to be his wife, because of who I was so lucky to marry.

It's just that sometimes, I miss myself. I miss knowing what I liked to do when I was alone, which I haven't been in so long with two kids and a husband. I miss hanging out with friends and talking about things that range from the stupid to the real. I miss going to a small little record store and finding an album that I'd never even heard of and listening to it as I explored a new place and saw different things. I miss spending time looking at the stars after a night of partying with friends alone on my balcony. I miss who I was when I was with friends and could just be me, Leah, a girl who didn't have labels.

I don't regret becoming a mother, but lately, the reminders of the past have reminded me that I need to find out who I am aside from mother and wife. I'm not willing to give up either of those two things, but I want me again. I need to take time for my art and for my music and for me. I need to discover who I am now. And all I know about myself these days is that I am a damn good mother and a damn good wife and those always come first but when you put so many things in front of yourself, where do you fit in?

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, which is what I'm sure I sound like, but I know others go through this too and I just wonder how they managed to find themselves after they got lost in the wife and mother roles. How did they find out who they were outside of their families?

How do you find yourself when you'd forgotten you for so long that you've forgotten everything about yourself? 

A sad and boring day

Today wasn't very exciting, but I'm pretty glad for that. It wasn't very good either, which seems like has been happening too much lately.

It started off okay enough. Beau woke me up by stepping on me while I was in bed and then Steve woke me up by yelling at Beau for chewing on one of Lily's toys. Frustrating but he's just getting comfortable. It'll take him a little longer than three days to learn the house rules.

After I got up, Steve and I talked about random stuff and he went to work, only to come home a little while later because he forgot his phone. We had coffee together and talked about what we have to do this weekend. Too much.

Beau and Luna have been fighting today which is frustrating too. Luna hisses at him and Beau barks at her, causing her to take a clawed swipe at him. At least, she's not mad at me for bringing the dog into our home... A part of me thinks Steve is not so happy about it.

After he left again, it was almost lunchtime for the kids so I fed them lunch, played around on RBL asking very random questions. The reason I ask the questions in case someone doesn't know and is one of my members reading this: I love getting to know you. I love knowing that you each have these lives that are worth knowing about. I read the answers and I give my own. It's a good thing for me because I am often alone at home during the day with only my children and Steve has homework or other work to get done at night, so I'm pretty bored sometimes and having the connection with others is nice. :)

I also talked to one of my best friends today, which was nice. We talked about how she might be getting a dog soon (she's been wanting one just like me and might have found the perfect fit). And about what happened yesterday and how I've worked to resolve that.

Later, when Steve came home from work, he brought me my prescription (it had run out and I'm still in pain from the surgery, so I called to get more and he picked them up) and had bought me ice cream :) Then we watched an episode of the TROOP where I was an extra back in 2009 or so. It was pretty cool to see myself on TV. I've never watched anything I've extra-ed on before.

But then Beau escaped the yard (he's been kind of bullheaded today and been frustrating both Steve and I, but I'm sure I have more patience for him than Steve does) and I had to run to get him. Then I told Steve that he had to put his tools somewhere besides the top of our extra-large dog kennel (for timeout for Beau, it had originally been the puppy we got last summer's training cage but he died of Parvo after only a week) so we could put Beau in when he did something bad, a nonviolent form of discipline. He got irritated with me and then started moving stuff around.

Needless to say I went into the bedroom, where I am now writing this blog because I'm frustrated completely. I don't like when Steve and I are like this. We are best friends most of the time but after the past week, we're both completely frustrated and instead of talking, he gets quiet and moody and acts like there is nothing wrong, which I know there is and when he does that I get mad and ignore him. I know, childish, but it's better than fighting,  and even though I know we'll probably talk it through soon, it's bothering me that I can't talk to him right now.

So now I'm about to go to bed, close my door, turn on Crossing Jordon on Netflix and read my book until sleep mercifully takes me into the dreamland where everything is stress-free and where things are good. At least, I hope so. I hope there are no nightmares tonight. ... there were last night.



24 days until we PCS and I can't wait.

Love,
Leah

Drama never stops

So today was a bad day. I won't go into too much detail but I had more bullshit petty army wife drama to deal with. It was the same shit I had to go to Family advocacy about. The worst part is that I just had my surgery on Monday so I was in pain and then when people I didn't want at my house showed up, I was scared (and pain and fear = anger for me), so I got mad and used my anger to make me feel stronger. And since I was angry, I wasn't open to what was happening and might have made things a tiny bit worse than I intended. The only good part was that my husband came home and we had all our ducks in a row. He helped me calm down and answer all these people's questions. I was so angry though and basically went off on this woman for being cold-hearted (She told me that my surgery or the pain I was feeling didn't matter, her words). They told me that I have to take my kids to see a doctor. Well, you dumbass bitch, I do that anyways, like on Monday when they have shots again! I also have an appointment for my daughter in Alexandria on March 20th!  When they finally left, I broke down. I cried and hugged Beau. Steve took Lily to dance class and promised to bring home pizza for dinner. After he left, I called my best friend and told her what happened. She was with me in spirit, because sadly, she's too far away to be here in person. I'm so glad I was able to talk to her about the whole thing. I wouldn't be able to handle all that has been going on without her or Steve. Between the two of them, they keep me going and keep me smiling (along with my babies, all four of them :P)

See, Steve and I make a great team in anything we do. Where I'm over-emotional, he's calm and steadfast. Where I am more creative, he's more practical. And today, his calmness was necessary and my anger was an obstacle.



What I don't understand, and probably never will, is the extent of how truly low people get. I mean, I should know by now it happens, but for some reason, that always escapes me. Maybe I'm too naive or maybe I have just seen so much evil that I search for the good in everyone and that one good quality I find, blinds me to the reality of them. After all, I was kidnapped, I was abused, I have gone through emotional pain that I wouldn't wish on anyone. My biological father kidnapped me and abandoned me with strangers just to keep me from my mother, but she didn't treat me any better than he did when I was finally given back to her (after almost 4 years).  I was an abused child, beaten and emotionally torn apart by my mother. I was the pawn in a war between my grandmother and her. My father (my step-father, but real father of my heart) was the only person who gave me love in my house as a child and he didn't know until my late teens what was going on and by then, he was a full-blown alcoholic, incapable of stopping it. I was beat by a boyfriend or two (like I said in a previous blog, I've made mistakes) and I have been cheated on. I lost the only parent I ever had that loved me and have no connection to my biological parents at all.

Maybe the fact that I've seen so much bad, lived through so much hell, is the reason I never expect it anymore. Actually, I thought had ended when I married Steve. Maybe that was also naive to believe. But everything was so much better with him. He knew all my scars and he knew all my pain. He never used it against me or made me feel like it made me a bad person. If anything, he saw that my past makes me more compassionate, more willing to see the good in everyone, even people I don't like. He knows that I love animals because they aren't mean by nature, that I have to have a pet otherwise my heart hurts (yep, I really feel depressed without something to pet and love on and get unconditional love from). Luna became mine because my old cat (Riot) disappeared and I couldn't find her anywhere. I was so depressed. So he let me adopt Luna. When Beau came, he knew he wasn't getting out of us keeping him unless someone claimed him and no one has.

He knows that I can't even spank my kids because it makes me feel horrible. I never want to be my mother. I would kill myself first. Even the moments where I yell at them, I feel like I'm too much like her. I spend time with my kids. I encourage their activities. I want them to be themselves. I spoil them. I was never really spoiled by my mother and if it weren't for the fact that she was expected to let me have activities, she would have kept me home, locked up in my room. It was my dad who let me date (surprise!) and it was my Dad who took me shopping for clothes I actually wanted to wear. If she had her way, I would have only worn pink and white and dresses. I hated those colors and dresses until I was in my early 20s. I had such a horrible mother that I do everything possible to be better than her and to be more like my Gram.

My Gram is my inspiration of what a mother, what a grandmother and what a woman in general should be like. She's amazing. She's strong and stubborn and full of life (even in her 70s!) and wonderful. All of her kids love her, all of her grandkids love her. She's my grandfather's second wife and ever since I was about 7 or 8, maybe a little older, I've called her Gram. She's never treated me like I wasn't one of her Grandkids, even though she also hates my mother (it's something we both agree on, that she's a liar and crazy and not worth having in your life at all). She's a great cook, was a great wife to both her husbands (her first husband, Jack, died before I was born, I believe and is the father of her two sons and one daughter) and buried two husbands. She's so strong and honestly, there aren't words that can describe her. She'll yell at you, cuss at you, and tell you she loves you in the same conversation. She'll make the best fudge ever and spoil you with her food and then tell you why you aren't doing something right. She'll tell you not to screw it up when everything is going right.  She's still up early in the morning, helps my cousins watch their kids since they live close to her and makes time to talk to me at least once every couple of weeks, usually every week. I love her so much.

I've had this amazing inspiration on my life and she doesn't fit the normal mold for "Grandmother" at all. And I love that about her. I don't want her to be normal. I like who she is, and I want to be like her. In some ways, I am. I'm stubborn like her and I tell people like is like her. I hope in all ways I can be like her. It's my greatest wish. She isn't normal and that's what makes her perfect. :)

So because I have these great people in my life, from my husband, my perfect partner, my soulmate, my husband, to my best friends to my Gram, I have so many people watching to make sure that I am the best I can be. They make sure I'm a good mother, a good wife, they talk me down from the "I'm about to do something crazy/stupid/_fillintheblank_" place I can sometimes get and they encourage my happiness.

Plus I couldn't imagine ever hurting my children. WHO COULD HURT A CHILD?? And why would someone believe I would?!? But I know the truth, that petty wife, she doesn't actually believe I am neglecting my children (I have proof up the waszoo that I don't!), she just hates me enough and judges me based on the handful of times we've actually seen each other. That's what hurts the most. What kind of person does she think I am? Like her?? NOPE! And proud to be not only a better mother than she thinks, but clearly a better person than she is.

So today, I dealt with more shit that I wanted to and I can't sleep again because of it. The stress is eating at me and I really need a vacation but the good news is in 25 days I am out of this place and I can't wait!!!!


Anyways, I'm off to do something else. Good night.


PS. I hope that nothing I said tonight makes you think less of me, this is the honest truth of what I've been through, maybe not every detail but enough so you get the gist.


Update at 10:50am Friday Morning:::


I called BJach to make an appointment with Maj. Savage (their Pediatrician) and when they asked why I was blunt and told them... The nurse on the line told me You aren't the only one whose pissed off an army wife. I've been there. It made me feel better. She is going to call me back to see if I can just get an overview of Lily's last appointment to send to Family Advocacy and be done with it. :) Yay! I'm glad I'm not the only one who has pissed off a petty wife and I'm glad that people aren't being cruel about it or judging me instantly based on that. Yayness.

Who am I?

I thought I'd fill all of you in on the biggest parts of my life, from who I am to how I got here... The good stuff mostly :) It's partly to help bring focus to myself on my own life. I've been down lately and am hoping to feel better soon.

So here goes. Who am I?

Well I'm Leah and I'm 24 years old. I am married to my amazing soldier, Steve, who is a Captain in the Army. I am the mother to two beautiful and wonderful children: my daughter, Lily, a five year old girlie-girl and my son, Jax, a three and a half year old boy who loves dinosaurs and cars. I have two gorgeous four-legged babies: my kitten (well more of a cat now) Luna and my dog (possibly a purebred Great Pyrenees) Beau.

I have made alot of mistakes in my life but my kids have never been one of them. I didn't choose the right man to have them with (if you can even call their biological father a man, sometimes I don't) but I love them more than anything and am so glad they are mine and in my custody.

Lily was born January of 2007, when I was 19. She was a hard pregnancy and a horrible labor but she came into the world with a full head of hair and gasolene eyes. Her hair and eyes have lightened up alot since she was born and now has dark chestnut brown eyes (like me) and dirty blonde/light brown hair. Her favorite things are dance class, her dolls, her dog and cat (she thinks our animals are hers), my husband (Daddy, in her eyes), her brother and me. Her favorite color is pink and she thinks she's a princess.

Jax was born June of 2008, when I was 20, almost 21. He was the simplest pregnancy ever, no morning sickness and a relatively easy labor. He was born with a full head of hair and dark gray eyes with green flecks. Like his sister, those changed. His eyes are now dark brown with flecks of green and his hair is the same as his sister's dirty blond/light brown. His favorite things are dinosaurs, cars, trains, dirt, Daddy, his sister and me.

My own father, who was my first hero, sadly died on October 27th, 2009 and left me broken-hearted and without a family. I loved my Daddy fiercely, as only a daughter can love a father. He was in the US Air Force, in the Special Ops. He spent his life fighting against evil men, teaching me the Military Values that would become so ingrained in me that no one measured up, except my husband. He was funny, kind, amazing. He spoiled me and loved me and took care of me. He did all the things a Dad is supposed to do and more. When he died, I lost so much more than just a Dad. I lost my white-knight, my Hero and my biggest supporter of all my dreams and hopes. In honor of his memory, I got a tattoo on my left calf (actually two) of his unit coin. On one side it says "305th Spec Ops" above a skeleton hand holding arrows and below it says "Darkness Brings Death". On the other side it says "Daddy" above a grim reaper standing in front of the tail of a C-141 and below it says "Sleep Tight". My Daddy's unit motto was "Darkness brings death, sleep tight."

My husband and I met in March of 2010. We were supposed to be pen-pals when he was originally going to deploy with a different unit. He didn't end up deploying but we ended up talking on a daily basis, exchanging texts and emails, building a relationship that we weren't even sure what the future held for it, if it even held anything. We became good friends.

Then in July of 2010, he and I met face-to-face and felt a strong connection. While we both agreed not to make promises until we were positive that we would be able to keep them, we swore that we would stay in touch and send letters while he deployed to Afghanistan. He still called me as much as he could, wrote me letters and I wrote him. Our connection grew as the time passed where we only got to know each other, finding that as each day passed, we thought of each other more and more.

 Finally in November of 2010, I swore that I would wait for him (although I hadn't dated anyone else while he was gone anyways). Also in November of 2010, I started Recruited ByLove, a facebook profile set up to be a support page and friend to other military girlfriends, wives and family members. (The way it's grown has blown my mind and I keep thinking of other ways to expand and make it something real and viable, something that will help not only the women on the page but others who have never even joined).

In January 2011, he came home for R&R and we spent all the time together we could, when we agreed that I would move to Fort Polk to wait for him and live in his house. From the time I lived in Louisiana til he came home, he and I dealt with everything together as much as we could with him being half a world away. I got things ready for his return and he helped me take care of things. We were serious about our future together. Talks of marriage and kids came up.

He came home from Afghanistan in August of 2011, and I was never happier about a man in my life. On post deployment leave, he brought me to Indiana to meet his family, the first time he's ever introduced someone to his family since he'd left home. They didn't like me for their own reasons (that mostly have to do with religious and cultural differences) but that doesn't really matter to me, the only thing that does is how my husband feels about me and he loves me.

After our post deployment vacation, we decided to get married as soon as we could. We started going to pre-marital counceling with his unit Chaplain (who also married us) and believe it or not, our Chaplain picked our wedding date (November 11, 2011).

He officially proposed to me on October 17th, 2011. The way he proposed was so wonderful. We had already picked out my ring (it's gorgeous) and had to have it shipped so I didn't get to wear it without an official proposal :). He took me to the training area of Fort Polk, where little "Afghan villages" are set up and the wild horses roam. I was petting a wild mare and softly talking to the mare when he approached me, got down on one knee and asked me "Leah Gose, will you be my wife?" Of course, I said yes. After all, that was my plan for so long :)

After a month of rushing around to finalize wedding plans and get it all set up, we were married in the Airborne Chapel on November 11th, 2011 (11-11-11) by our Chaplain with close friends and Steve's mother and one of his sisters present. It was a wonderful day and the day my life as the Captain's wife began.

Since we've gotten married, we adopted our cat, Lunatic, a beautiful black and white kitten, made improvements on our house (which we're selling to PCS soon), celebrated holidays, attended Army functions together, spent time as a family together. We have been through doctor appointments, dental appointments, family drama, and alot of other things. We also had our dog, Beau, show up out of the blue and make our family even more complete.

He spoils me rotten and makes my life perfect. Sure, it's not actually perfect. There's drama with petty army wives, frustrations from being in the Army life, bills to pay, things that have to get done, stress from PCSing, raising kids and every day stuff that tends to pile on faster than we can get it done. It's great though, because we are together for as long as we can.

And he encourages me. He encourages RBL and school and my artistic side. He loves that I create beautiful things, from my garden to poetry. He loves that I'm a good mother and that I care. He doesn't mind all my tattoos, or the fact that I want more. He doesn't mind that I dye my hair bright red because the idea of having natural hair bothers me. He doesn't mind that I am a bookworm who reads incessantly. He doesn't mind that I would rather wear cowboy boots and jeans than flip flops and shorts. He doesn't mind that I swear and have an attitude. He likes that I understand the military better than most girls he's ever been with. He likes that I can represent him at military functions and be his public face. He likes that I am a big-hearted softy when it comes to animals and people. He doesn't mind that sometimes I'm over-emotional. He loves me.

And I love him. I love how great he is with the kids. How he is such a hard worker, smart, funny, caring, wonderful, overall amazing. I love that he's getting his Master's degree soon. I love that he's strong enough to deal with things that I can't. I love that he has such a strong moral compass and doesn't deviate from his views, even if I disagree with them. I love that he has his own ways to have fun and I have mine. I love that we are close and that neither of us want to be with anyone else.

The fact is, my life is pretty great. I have these beautiful children who make my world a little bit more sparkle worthy. I have this great man that loves my kids like they are his own, that loves me with all his heart. A man who lets me keep animals as soon as I have my heart set on them. I love that he gave me everything I ever dreamed of and more. I have a beautiful cat who purrs almost every time I pick her up and cuddles with me when she has a chance. And now, I have this handsome dog, who isn't overly affectionate, but enough to know he loves me already.

I have friends that I love to talk to. My closest friends are Megan and Liz, who sadly live far away from me. Megan is in New Jersey and I introduced her to my friend, Eric, an enlisted soldier, who I met while being his pen-pal while he was in Iraq. They are so good together and every time I hear about how they are doing, a part of me feels so great. I was able to introduce a good couple to each other. Liz is in Florida and hasn't found anyone serious yet, but we go back a long time and know each other really well. Both of those girls are my sisters of the heart. I'm so lucky to have such great friends in them.

Our future holds a new post in less than two months, hopefully a baby, named Hunter or Willow, maybe a puppy in addition to Luna and Beau. Hopefully, I will have more friends, a more active social life and more things to be happy about in the future.

I am happy. I am in love. I am faithful, compassionate, loyal, loving. I have a big heart when it comes to kids and animals. I am untrusting when it comes to men and don't get along that well with women. I'm shy around new people and am one of those people where you either love me or hate me, there really isn't middle ground. I love music of all kinds. I love to watch TV on DVD or on Netflix rather than watch commercials. I love hockey and football, teams being the Jersey Devils and the Washington Redskins. I love to read and have already read almost 30 books this year alone (and it's only March 8th). I love to knit from time to time and I love to take pictures and edit them. I love to spend time with my family and I love to cuddle with my pets. I love when my husband takes me to dinner and I love when we all go out together. I love when everything is going good and nothing is going wrong.

And most of all, right now I just am happy to be alive, despite the stress... Sometimes I have to go over the past couple of years to see how great my life really is... I'm a lucky girl.

Love,
Leah

Stress, pain, Beau

Well, it's another day in my life. And it seems that lately things have just been so stressful that when good things happen, it doesn't keep me elated for long before the stress returns. I am twenty-four years old, will be 25 later this year. I am married, I am a mother of two. I have two pets (as of now) not including fish. I am PCSing in less than a month with my family. I have a few more appointments that are absolutely necessary before we leave, three of which are an hour away from home. I now have vet appointments to make for my pets, recovery time which isn't going well or smoothly. My husband doesn't seem like himself which is making me feel down also.

Life is just hard. I try to make it a little easier, by doing good things. Like taking Beau in as a member of our family. Like donating to one of the causes RBL is asked to help (this one for a MG walk for the cure). I try to keep positive and spread good karma around so it will return to me, but then bad things happen and I get stressed far more than normal. And I am stressed beyond what I should be at this moment.

I've heard it said that moving is one of the most stressful things a person does. It's probably true considering my anxiety levels right now. Even my husband's "random searches" for items are getting to me. Like he'll ask me if I know where something is when I am clearly doing something, and I tell him "just a minute" and he'll keep looking, making me feel pressured to stop what I'm doing and get him what he's looking for. He's done it to me three times today alone and I just want to snap at him. Like, seriously? I'm already in pain and he has to pressure me to do things for him because he can't wait 2 minutes for me to finish a task and move on.

Update on Beau:::
His ticks are falling off (which is a HUGE relief) and he's eating properly, going to the bathroom and doing all that the way he should. He's also really good on the leash, really loving and just a big lapdog. I did discover that he'll chew my windowsill if he's left alone in a room and the door is shut. Grrr, since we are selling our house in less than a month and now that has to be fixed. But oh well, other than that, he seems to be doing much better and I'm grateful for that.

Anyways, I'm tired and still in pain, hoping to get some rest tonight, but the kids are loud right now and won't quiet down (to be fair, Daddy and Beau are exciting to be around for them). I'm hurting and in desperate need of sleep and freedom from pain.

Love,
Leah

Update on Yesterday

Well, let me start this by saying that I am still in pain from my surgery yesterday and still frustrated by that particular army wife who made a false complaint against me.

This morning, I woke up at 830 (after me up and down all night) to the realtor being here to take pictures. I quickly went and made my bed and the kids' beds and made sure my room was neat and organized. After that, I checked my messages to find out I had to go to this meeting with the caseworker too, just to clear myself from the accusations made against me. That went well, considering the amount of pain and aggravation I was feeling. The accusations were this: That my daughter is too small, that they need to see a dentist, that they "smelled funny". I know for a fact who did it now, after hearing those. Firstly, let me say that I am tiny, at five2 and one hundred pounds (seriously, it's less than that right now but that's my average), why wouldn't my daughter be smaller? Secondly, both my kids have been to see a dentist and Lily has her major appointment on the 22nd. Jax has nothing severe and is waiting until after we PCS (no biggie). Thirdly, my daughter sprayed both her and her brother down with a perfume that even I find stinks awfully. So there was no real claim made. It was entirely bullshit.

After hearing that we probably wouldn't have to deal with it again, I was relieved but still upset by this wife in question. A million ways to get revenge ran through my mind but I'm too moral for some and others are just worthless.

Now my kids and I are home, my husband went back to work and we are sitting here after lunch (the kids ate, I couldn't yet) watching the Lion King and relaxing. My pain killers are kicking in so after the movie the kids will go for a nap and I will fully unwind.

All of this shit that's been going on makes me really despise how gossipy and just plain ignorant some wives are. I love my girls on RBL but honestly, if it had been one of them who had made the complaint, I probably would have deleted them right away, cutting them off from a great support group, because I'm just that mean. I am a mother and I'm so protective of my young. Don't mess with them ever.

UPDATE on the Update:::

So my husband had a meeting with his commander and told him what was going on. Except the way I think it happened was by telling whoever that I had a problem with a wife and this was her revenge. I'm seriously sick of this shit. I feel like one person is causing so many problems, none of which I deserve. I got mad at my husband because the words he told me made me think he just made it seem all on my part and it's not even true... (see Don't Wear His Rank for what happened there) and now he seems to be taking the Army's side and just saying it doesn't matter at all who did it. Then he tried to say that the accusations were the same as if someone had accused me of abusing a herd of goats! Really? That's so not the same thing. These are my kids! I went through 9 months of pregnancy for each one and the hardships of being a single mother. I seriously don't even see how he could say that was the same thing but it's not. I have gone through so much to take care of them and I've done nothing wrong. I don't need some arrogant bitch saying things about me that are untrue and there is nothing I can do other than my best and having my husband is great but sometimes I feel like the Army gets more of his loyalty than I do. I know, I know... if the Army wanted him to have a wife, they would have issued him one, but I am willing to sacrifice almost anything for his career, but not my children, never my children. I'm sorry, but I can't even go there. I love them more than life itself, they are my future, his future, our future.

I'm just upset and angry at this bullshit. It's not fair and I don't deserve to go through it.

I'm just sad

Well, I'm not pregnant... For a minute there (or six days) I thought I might be, even with two negative tests. My menstrual cycle is like clockwork. I get it ever 24/25 days or so and this time, it was six days late. I was worried and excited and then this morning (after having insomnia all night and waking up at 11am, after finally falling asleep around six am) I went to the bathroom and after a few moments, I realized that the cramps were awful, worse than normal, actually and then it came. I had just told my husband about ten minutes before that I was six days late and needed another test. Well, I didn't get one because I didn't need it. And a huge part of me is sad about that and yet, a little relieved.

I want to get pregnant badly. I want to have our baby. I want to have that with us together and for the past couple of days, I thought I was. I thought, it's here, finally, I have this little starting point and I will only have more joy in the nine months ahead. But I'm not and the sadness makes me feel stupid. After all, it's only the first period since we started trying and I know it takes longer than that sometimes. But still, I feel a little heart broken and these cramps are awful. Way worse than normal.

I did cut back considerably on smoking since I thought I might be (only 4 yesterday) and there is such a disappointment that it wasn't worth it, and yet, I know it was. I did the right thing in cutting back. It will be easier to quit if I can keep my smoking to the absolute minimum.

Steve wasn't really disappointed but it's different for guys and it's not like he's the one who knows what's happening with my body before I tell him. He didn't even know until this morning that I was even thinking that I might be. I mean, he knew I'd taken two tests and both were negative, and he also knew I was late, but he didn't know how late. So there I am, sad that I'm not and sad that I can't really share that sadness with him because he's not sad. He's just him and sadness isn't apart of his personality.

Once I asked him if Iraq changed him. (That was his first deployment, before we knew each other.) And although he lost friends and saw things that weren't normal for most Americans, the events that happened are normal for the Military. He told me "I guess in some ways they did, I mean I learned that I couldn't be close-minded about other cultures and I learned that bad things happen for reasons I can't explain but I have more mental stability than other people and I guess it didn't really change me." Then he told me, "You probably have seen more than I did when you worked at the hospital." It's true there, I did. Men burned, shot, bloodied. Men without arms, without legs. Men with faces contorted by blasts and bullets and pain. Men that were beaten and broken and not at all human anymore. These men, these strong and brave men, these are the guys that I saw and sometimes, it still gets to me.

We both have PTSD, but ours are different. His is from being in war and he's able to control it for the most part. On bad nights, he just holds me tightly and I'm his safety net. He clings to me and keeps himself in the present instead of going back.  Mine comes from being in the hospital, seeing what I saw. I dream of battles I've never faced, see things I've never seen and being the victims of these things, seeing the injuries I saw on others on myself. Normally, I don't dream about it much anymore. I'm safer now, I'm better now. But the truth is, that they hit sometimes and the other night, I had one.

It was after Steve and I went out to dinner and to see Act of Valor. It's an amazing movie that left me crying and missing my father... (He was Special Ops and died in service and that letter, the letter written by "Chief Dan" to his best friend's unborn son, hit me so hard, they were like words I'd heard my father say, things I'd never heard him say... a combination that left me with a fresh wave of pain at the loss of my father.) We came home and when we went to bed, I turned on Bill Engvall (I can't sleep without TV and on nights when I'm more emotional, I put on stand-up comedy just to avoid the bad dreams). It didn't work that way though. I had a nightmare and another nightmare and I couldn't wake up. I didn't scream and didn't move and I couldn't make myself turn towards my husband and cling to him. I just couldn't make myself get out of this fictional world where I was.

I was in Iraq or maybe Afghanistan. I don't really know, as I've never been to either, all I know is that at my feet were wounded men... wounded men I knew. My father and the "uncles" I knew from his unit, years ago, before we transferred to Germany, before I started working at LRMC, before I saw horrors I'd only imagined or seen on TV or partially healed. They were there, all of them, wounded from a blast, from bullets, from whatever else my mind could think of. And there I was, a medic, working on them, trying desperately to save their lives, to force them to stay with me. I don't really remember what all happened but I know that I failed. They all died and I finally woke up in a cold sweat, tears drying on my face and my husband sound asleep next to me. I didn't scream or moan.

I know because he wakes me up and holds me when I do. He knows my nightmares well and has often held me, often made it so I am safe in reality instead of locked in the prison of black and blue and bloody thoughts. I sometimes get nightmares and can't sleep during the night, not until the sunlight peaks through and I feel safe that the darkness is gone. That's what happened last night. I stayed up all night and watched some stupid show on Netflix (and it really was stupid) but the fear of going to sleep and the fear of facing thoughts that I couldn't bare made it so I couldn't... I just couldn't turn my mind off.

And then, when I wake up, my hopes of being a mother again, ruined by either stress (which I'm under alot of right now) or just wasn't pregnant at all, although I've never been this late before without being pregnant, so I just don't know.

And now there's a sadness in me, from that movie, which was amazing but broke my heart again, the nightmares that brought me back to that darkness I'd thought was almost in the past, and the loss of a strong hope. And the happiness, it just isn't here.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and I'm so very grateful that he's mine. I'm grateful that we have a future together and that my children are happy and healthy and we are a great family, but a part of me is just lost in time, wishing I could make sense of the past few days. I'm not really here, I'm somewhere else and I'm not really sure where that is... It's like I'm here but there's an invisible field around me, fogging the world up so I can't think straight. And I don't know why.

But that's all I have to say for now... I'm just sad...

Leap Day Blessings

Today is February 29th, 2012. A leap year. Today is the day that happens only once every four years. I've been thinking alot today... about what has happened in my life since the last leap year and why I am so very blessed to be alive and have what I have. After all, not everyone is so lucky.

*~* I have an amazing husband, who is so supportive of me and my dreams. He's a great husband, who takes care of me when I'm sick, spoils me to make me smile and loves me unconditionally. He's a great father, who is content raising two kids that aren't his biologically but are his in heart. He's such a great soldier, who accomplishes so much and is willing to do so much for his Country. And he's such an intelligent man, graduating with his Master's degree, getting his second in a year's time.  I'm so proud of the man he is and so lucky that he is mine.

*~* I have two beautiful children: Lily and Jax, who are my whole world and show me the beautiful things in life every day. They are gorgeous and smart and so funny and kind. They protect each other and love each other. They love me and they love their Daddy. We are so lucky to have healthy children who have a future full of amazing possibilities in front of them.

*~* I have a home, with comfortable and nice furniture, plenty of food in the fridge, modern technology that is so amazing, clothes to wear and a vehicle to drive. I've been homeless before. I've had times where I starved so I could feed my children and clothing came from the donation bin at the salvation army. And I've had no vehicle several times. Life is so much better with all of that.

*~* I have a beautiful kitty who loves us and wants to show us love almost all the time. She's cute and sweet and the perfect cat.

*~* I have great friends who I talk to regularly, and some that I talk to occasionally. But if it weren't for my girls, Megan and Liz, I think I would go crazy not being able to talk to the two girls who know me best and who I love most.

*~* I have my Gram, who is an amazingly strong woman that I aspire to be like. She's been through so much and is strong and opinionated and wonderful. She's an inspiration in my life.

*~* I have Recruited ByLove, my support site that allows me to talk to so many amazing ladies and gents. They truly take my breath away with their strength and courage and they are so respectful (most of them, anyways) to each other and have such adult conversations. It makes me proud to know them all and to be expanding on it.

*~* I have fun toys, like my laptop, my tv, my game systems, my kindles, my phone, my camera... I am so blessed to have things that I can play with and enjoy.

*~* That my kids can participate in activities like Soccer and Dance class. It's nice to be able to send them to do things for fun, to make friends and to learn skills like team work and becoming their own person. It's so awesome to see how my kids are expanding with each passing moment.

*~* That we are getting a puppy soon. We've discussed it and have decided to adopt either a Mastiff or a Boxer puppy in May or June. We've even found two breeders (one of each breed). We had previously adopted from a shelter but after paying $1400 for a dog that died within a week and a half of bringing it home, we decided we'd rather go with a breeder this time and get a dog that we can train from puppy up and one that has papers that we can breed. :) I'm hoping to get a male mastiff and call him "Midas"

*~* That I've gotten all my dental work done (or will as of Monday) and won't have to worry about it after that except for maintaining. I never went to the dentist as a kid and it's so nice to finally feel better about myself.

*~* That I'm not getting abused in any way, shape or form. I was abused as a child by my mother. She tried to kill me and hurt me in any way she could, whether it was mentally, emotionally or physically. Our relationship ended completely when she aimed a shotgun at my head and we haven't spoken in a year. It's been a great year.

*~* That I have my Father's memory to carry with me. I am lucky to have had such an amazing father in my life. The fact that he's now passed away and I don't get to spend anymore time with him truly does hurt but I am still happy that I can remember him and know that he'd be proud of me for all that I do.

*~* To be an Army wife and to have a husband who I am so proud of for all he does for our Country. I am proud to be his wife, his public face while he's deployed or not at home for whatever reason. I'm proud to be among the 2% of the population who sacrifices so much for our country, whether it's going to war and losing your life or getting injured or sacrificing time with your family or loved one in order to support his or her dreams. I feel I am blessed to be part of this community and culture.

*~* I am blessed to have healthcare and dental insurance. It's so great to not worry about the cost of my prescriptions or seeing a doctor and having a huge medical bill. I'm so lucky that I can schedule my children for shots or physicals, that I can go to the Emergency room and not face horrendous fees for anything. It's so nice to have that worry off my mind.

I am probably blessed for so many other things that I can't think of right now, but I wanted to acknowledge what I could today, a leap day, a special day to say what matters most in your life and that's what matters most to me. My family, my cat, my life, their lives... it all matters to me.

Love,
Leah

Stressed out

I keep wondering what to write... What is it that I could say that would help my mind shut down... I can't even come up with an answer. You see, we are PCSing and that leaves my mind going over the lists of things we have to do (clean the whole house, sell the house, pack the house, move, find a place for my cat to stay until we find a house, find something to do over the 22 days between here and there, find a way to entertain my kids with no furniture, keep the disagreements to a minimum between my husband and myself, etc). Moving is so stressful normally but when you add the Army on top of it, sometimes I think I'm ready to blow a gasket.

My husband works with some great guys but one of his superiors is kind of bad at his job. He gives out assignments that make little to no sense and my husband rarely has anything nice to say in private (since this blog is public, I won't use names or even say what he says because it might be obvious). It's hard to be the encouraging wife when I also have things going on that he leaves to me to take care of.

When he works from six to six, I am dealing with both children, the cat, calls to places that he asked me to call, cleaning, packing, organizing, planning things that have to be done and it's ok because that's what I signed up for when I signed our marriage certificate but at the same time, it's exhausting and I know that he doesn't understand why sometimes I snap at him or sometimes I just sit in silence and don't say a word to him. It's not because I'm mad at him, but it is because I am stressed and he doesn't necessarily handle my stress the way I'd hope. I love him with all my heart and he is the best guy in the world, but he is a guy and guys don't get the whole stress thing.

A. When a girl gets stressed out, two things can happen, either her cycle can come quicker or it can be delayed. ... In my case, it comes faster, so I deal with PMS on an already shortened cycle (I'm a 24 days between normally) and have to try to remain calm even though my hormones are going crazy.

and

B. The stress a woman puts on herself, as a mother, as a wife, as the person who takes care of the house and the day-to-day errands and tasks, as a woman in general is always high. Women tend to aim to achieve and I'm not different there. I want to be successful in all I do, so having too many things happening where I can't devote all of my attention to the main tasks and am instead sharing that attention with too many diversions is difficult and makes me disappointed with myself. And my husband couldn't possibly understand that.

You see, we are a happy couple and have a good life, but part of that is the efforts I put forth to provide a stable and loving home that gives my family good feelings and a safe, comfort zone. In public, I am direct, to the point and polite to everyone. In private, I get the things done that need to be and am playful with my kids and my husband. But lately the playing is minimized and that's hard for me. It's also hard that when I put out my list of things to do for the day, I only manage to get about half of what I planned to do done.

I don't like struggling to accomplish things. I'm not good with it. I am a survivor and I've fought hard to be the person I am with the experiences that I've had. And failing myself... it's worse than failing anyone else.

I guess, I need sleep and I need a break. I just don't know when that break will happen because I'm too busy and have no time to accomplish what I have to anyways.

Anyways, off to get some rest. Another busy day of tasks and meetings is about to hit me... hard.

Love,
Leah

Nothing in particular

It's been a rainy Saturday and not much has happened. The roof is still being worked on, I'm still recovering and having a hard time keeping food down, my husband is still amazing to the kids and the kids are still crazy and happy.

Today, I spent part of my day asking questions on RBL and playing Solitary on the Kindle Fire. When you really don't want to talk to anyone and only want to spend time in bed, facebook is a great way to have an outlet. Early, my husband took our daughter to McDonald's to get me a Milkshake and he ended up treating her to an ice cream cone. She's spoiled by him but I'm happy she is. I spent the better part of the day watching Season 3 of Dexter and just started season 4 on my lapton (Amazon is awesome with digital orders, fyi) and I've realized that I've sort of become addicted to it. In the afternoon, I went to walmart and bought a few new DVDs just because I wanted something to watch over the next few days and in two weeks when I get the final part of my Dental stuff done. I bought John Adams, the HBO mini-series and Moonlight, a show about a vampire private eye from 2008. I also got the kids Rio and my husband the third Transformers movie. While I was there they had a bunch of Valentine's bears for $1 each so I got three. One angel one, one devil one and one little brown one holding a heart that says "love". The angel represents my husband and the devil is me. (his family would absolutely agree with that!) The little brown one was given to Lily. Jax didn't get one, pretty much because he wouldn't care anyways.

Now I'm sitting in my room, listening to the rain poor down and hoping I feel better tomorrow. I doubt it, but I'm hoping for it.

Anyways, that's all I've got.

God Bless the Troops... and protect them always.

Love,

For now & Forever,

Leah

Update on life.

Today I had the first of two major dental procedures that will fix my smile and make my life so much better. I am in pain right now but not as much as I would be without the welcome relief of Lortabs. Step 1 done, step 2 in two weeks.

The other day I started building a front garden to the house for a few reasons. One, curb appeal. To make the house welcoming from the street. Two, for practice. I want to practice different styles of gardens in the different places we live, so I can figure out how I want our real house to look.

We celebrated Valentine's Day yesterday. And we were all quite spoiled. Steve got us a beautiful hardwood dresser and he got me chocolates and two bouquets of wildflowers. I got him a set of baseball cards from 2011 (He's a collector). Lily got a robot puppy from us and Jax got a puzzle flower and two tractors and an egg that hatches a dinosaur from the show Dinosaur Train.

I found a book that I read as a child for my kindle and I've been immersed in it. Makes me glad that I've got it. So much easier to get books I want without searching high and low for them. :)

Anyways, off to lay down and relax. Just realized I hadn't updated in a while. Much love.

Leah
~*~

My daughter's 5th Birthday

Today is my daughter's birthday. She's 5 years old!! I can't believe it. Five years changes alot. Five years ago, the day she was born, which was right about now, I couldn't imagine more pain and more love being in my heart. I remember the day perfectly, although I don't like to much because my ex taints the day for me. He was there (props for him). All these years, have passed and I feel like each day she's someone different.

The people at daycare (CDC) love her. She's well behaved and listens to the adults when they tell her what to do. She's there today, because I'm still resting from my back procedure (it's been a hell of a day full of soarness and some pain). After that, Steve is picking them up and bringing them home to get Lily dressed for dance class, then she's off to dance class. When she gets home, she'll have speghetti and meatballs for dinner, cupcakes for dessert, a couple small presents (since she has a party on Saturday).

After that, however, I'm going back to bed. I'm exhausted and way too soar. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to slowly get my normal routine back, except that the kids have dental appointments in Alexandria. I'm going to buy my dress for the Sweetheart ball. I'm hoping for something sweet and red (I have mostly summer dresses and green or grey dresses that I wear to FRG functions). I'm excited to find a good dress. I just hope the car ride doesn't kill me. It's an hour there and back, with lots of walking...

But like I said, this is my daughter's fifth birthday... and she's my miracle baby. Her brother is just an additional gift (which Steve got the first official "oh you're Jaxon's dad, we need to talk" yesterday, haha).

I'm just grateful for the life we have now... for my baby girl and my baby boy and my husband, my hero...

Happy 5th Birthday, Baby Girl... Lily, my most beautiful flower in the world. <3 xoxoxoxox


PS. Loving my kindle... Just finished the "Laughing Corpse" by Laurell K. Hamilton and now on to her next book "The Circus of the Damned"

PSS. Love the kindle fire too. I am streaming video on it right now while I read... bedrest has never been this good. :)

Pissed off pain

For the second time in three days, I've woken up in massive pain. This time, I was laying on my stomach with my arms folded under my head and one arm was completely dead of feeling and the other was hurting so badly.  I woke up crying and when I sat up, I couldn't move my arm at all. I just sat there trying to get circulation back into my arm and it took about five minutes before I could even move it. Now I can move it and I've taken my pain pills, just waiting for them to kick in.

I just went outside for a smoke and checked facebook, found out my friend is in labor, which makes me happy for her but jealous at the same time. I'm not even healthy enough yet to get pregnant, let alone have a baby. I'm trying to get into shape but I need this procedure on my back and another few things to do before I'll be ready. Hoping that means by September, I'll be ready... I'm happy for her, I really am, but the jealousy and the baby itch are also equal to my happiness. I wish her all the best, of course. I just wish I was in her shoes instead of mine.

So 3:30 am and my arms hurt, my shoulders hurt and none of my muscles hurt which means that it's not from my workout. When I workout, it's just to keep my muscles in strength and has nothing to do with helping my body out. But at 110lbs and five 2, you'd think I'd be in perfect shape, which honestly I feel like I am in pretty great shape except for my back and the other things... So damn annoying and makes me feel self-pitiful which I hate. I hate pity and I hate feeling sorry for myself. I like to look at the positive.

So here is the positive, I am married, I have two beautiful kids, I have good friends. I have reconnected with family and old friends. I run a page full of great women. I have a great kitten. A clean house with plenty of food and clothes in my closet. Lots of material possessions I never dreamed I'd own. And so much more.

And sadly, I'd trade almost all of that (except my family, husband and kids included, and friends and RBL) for a body healthy enough to have a baby.

Ugh, there's the self pity...

Love,
For now and forever,
Leah

Random blog.

Today was a good day, pain included. It was bad but I was able to take a nap and relax as much as possible.

I did get to put together two photo albums for my family. The first has my children from the time they were in my belly til Vancouver, the second contains all pictures from that point til now. The last picture is this ::

I plan to start more albums and when more children arrive into our lives, I hope that it keeps growing until I have so many albums to remind me of things I will no doubt forget.

Anyways, I gotta go, chatting with my little brother (almost a marine) on facebook and very tired. Pain meds are kicking in again. 

Love,

For now and Forever,

Leah

Back problems and a Dancing Queen

I recieved this email today (I removed some personal information out because I don't believe that I should share that...)

Wants to schedule a Bilateral C4/5 & C5/6 Facet Injection.

After reading your MRI, Dr. Stehr states the joints in back of neck "might" have arthritis. Also, MRI shows small degenerative changes in disc and often times because of this the joints in back of neck become very painful.  He feels that a Bilateral C4/5 & C5/6 Facet Injection will give you relief.  He has called in Ultram and a muscle relaxer until your procedure.  We will work on the pre-cert with Tricare and schedule the procedure for next Wednesday between 1-3pm.

This basically says that I'm going to be injected with some medical goo to fix the Whiplash effect (that's what they say is the usual cause). 

This is just the first step. I have no idea what will happen next. 

Aside from that, Lily had her first dance class and it was so cute. I'm including a few photos because you just have to see how adorable she was (and she is definitely a natural born dancer!!!)