In-Laws Rant

I'm annoyed. Yes, annoyed. Why you might ask? By my in-laws saying that I am not a Christian Lady... again. I come from an entirely different culture than they do. They are from the really conservative, right-wing baptist community that only values things that happen in their church (and all other churches are wrong, fyi), they don't believe in dancing, drinking, music that doesn't talk about loving Jesus, shows that might be a little too edgy and going to the movies: that's a product of the devil. I am from the Military Community. I grew up raised around Soldiers and Airmen who swore, drank, danced, used weapons on a regular basis, fished, hunted, smoked and alot of other "un-Christian" things. Things I do also. I swear, alot. I drink wine occasionally. I love to dance. I love music of all flavors. I love to watch shows about Vampires and fake worlds. And I love movies. I love to joke around and be inappropriate with my friends because they are my friends and we love to have fun.

So why is this bothering me tonight? Well, it shouldn't really but my husband spoke to his mother last week and it's been in my head. Let me point this out: She never calls me, never asks to speak to me when my husband calls her, never thanks me for what I clearly do for her (like I'm the one who sent her the Anniversary card for her and my father-in-law's 43rd). She acts like she's morally superior to me, even though I'm catholic and believe that I'm on the right path to Heaven for me. (I don't care what you believe, because I believe there are many paths to Heaven and I'm on mine, you are on yours.) And worse yet, she thinks the Bible explains everything. Well, this is the Military and the Bible doesn't cover it, not really. We don't have answers to the problems we face, the scriptures don't hold the keys to every possible situation. It bothers me alot that she thinks I should only find answers in a Book written 2000 years ago.

I do like the Bible. I love the stories inside and I think it's a wonderful book full of stories that teach lessons, but I don't think it covers all the choices life gives. I don't think we could possibly have all the answers for everything.

My in-laws not liking me hurts alot, considering I have no parents anymore. I have friend's parents who love me, who treat me like a member of their family. I have aunts that treat me like a daughter and I have ex-boyfriend's parents that still call me to chat from time to time. So the fact that my own mother-in-law doesn't like me and decides that judging me is better than getting to know me for me, hurts like hell. It's the reason we won't visit over holidays, over Sundays, for too long. The fact is that my husband isn't who they think he is either and he would rather not see me hurt by them. It does hurt too. I'm not the kind of person who gets hurt so easily but I wished for a set of in-laws that would take me under their wing as a daughter, instead I got in-laws who treat me like I'm damaged and cursed.

How am I supposed to deal with that? I send them cards randomly, I send them books that I think they'd enjoy (like Bible Trivia) and I try to keep them updated with pictures of their son and many other things, but do they ever acknowledge a single thing I do? No. Do they ever thank me? No, they thank their son, who if he had to remember the dates for important things, wouldn't. I remind him of Birthdays and Anniversaries. I remind him how old they are, how many years they've been married. And I just married into the family. I am the one who puts forth all the effort only to be judged for things that shouldn't matter.

Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does. And if we judge them on that, they are totally failing. 

Anyways, that's my rant for the day... I'm sad about it and it makes me miss my Dad even more. He was my hero and my white knight. I never thought I'd be so alone and I never thought I'd need his advice on how to deal with in-laws that don't like you, but I do... and I don't know what to do about it.

truth comes in peaceful moments

Sometimes, truth comes in peaceful moments. Sometimes clarity comes in all the chaos of the universe, like the eye of a storm or the calm ocean before a hurricane.  Sometimes, all you have to do is look up at the night sky and see the moon glowing and reflecting light of the clouds to see the beauty in everything. I close my eyes and think of all the yesterdays in my life. I think about the happy memories I have had and the sad memories that still hold a slight glimpse of happiness and those memories that I can't figure out how to feel because they are tainted now by things that happened later. 

I remember my father as my hero but sometimes I'm angry with him for things he did while he was alive. Secrets he never shared, that he couldn't share. Things he said that he shouldn't have said. But I've come to the realization that I will never be able to confront him and make him say he was sorry and that he was wrong, so instead, I have to find that part of me that is willing to forgive his wrongs and see what he did for me instead. And most of the time, I succeed, but other times, I still feel that anger mixed with sadness. That feeling when Daddy's little girl realizes her Daddy isn't a superhero... that he's just a man. I didn't realize that until it was too late to have that talk with him. The one that bares all to honest scrutiny. The talk that says "Look at me and see what your lessons taught me, look at me and see what you did right... look at me and see what you did wrong." That talk will never happen and it saddens me but at the same time, I know he would be sorry and ask for me to forgive him and I know that if I could just have one more hug, I would. 

The same cannot be said about my exes, who all cheated on me and caused me to distrust men so much. I had one cheat on me with multiple women, another use an online dating site while we lived together. One who slept with a good friend of mine and others who shattered my trust. I remember things that I recall as happy moments but the love I felt is now destroyed for them, that I get angry that I share those memories with them, that moments of my life are tainted with their faces and their would-be love. It causes me to distrust my life sometimes, even to distrust my husband, who has never earned a single bit of that feeling but deals with it because he loves me.

My husband is the only man I've ever known who hasn't betrayed me in any way. He loves me, for better and for worse. Over the past few days, I've had time to think and to contemplate things. I've had time to wonder if he would ever hurt me or neglect me because I am "not good enough" as I've heard so often before. But because of what I've been going through, with a major dental surgery that left my face swollen and bruised and me hiding in bed away from the world and seeing how much he loves me, what he'll do for me, I know I have no reason to worry. He has taken me from this place where my confidence was nearly shattered and brought me to a place where it gets shaken but never breaks. He comforts me, spoils me, amazes me, with everything he does. I love him with every fiber of my being, even when I don't show it. 

When I met him, I wasn't sure I would love him. I liked him, a lot. But I had just had a major heartbreak and wasn't ready to commit myself to him. Well two years later, we are together, in love and married. He took my children into his heart as if they were always his and drives them to dance class and soccer practice, fixes them breakfast so I can sleep in a little longer. He brings me flowers and tells me he loves me as often as possible. We rarely leave the room or hang up the phone without saying it. There is never a time he leaves the house without giving me a kiss. Some mornings he comes into our room and cuddles after PT until he has to leave for work. Some nights, he puts off homework so we can cuddle and watch a movie or a show together. He does the dishes for me and helps me with the cleaning. He encourages me to feel whatever I'm feeling, trusts me to be honest with him as I trust him for the same. We rarely fight (we've only had one "big" one and it ended quickly with both of us apologizing for our behavior). We know how each other tick and we know how each other reacts and what we really mean when we say something. We know each other's flaws and we never hold them against each other. We each have annoying habits and we deal with them honestly and come to agreements about certain ones and let the others slide. We talk about our finances together, he has an account on his own, I have an account of my own and we share an account, so we each have money to spend separately and money we spend together as a family. We support each other in everything. In all of my life, I've never had a "we" quite like us. 

Today is another day of our love growing, expanding. He shows me with every small act that he loves me and I show him that I love him with every act. Today, he had to work and since I have a swollen face and a black eye, I'm refusing to leave my house until my face is back to normal, he came home to bring me a milkshake and to take our daughter (because she really is OURS, not my ex who gave dna but Steve's and mine because we love her and our son with every action and every daily chore that revolves around them) to her dance class. I gave him my debit card from my account to pull out money for an order I placed by mistake to his card and to pick up pizza for him and the kids (I can't eat anything solid yet). And he came home with pizza and change. He told me about Lily's dance class and what he did while she was at it. I don't think we even have secrets from each other in any way. I hear about his day at work (whether I want to or not, haha) and he hears about mine at home with the kids (whether he wants to or not, haha). When I go out, I tell him what I did, with or without friends and he does the same. Tonight, he's watching an 80s movie called "Escape from NY" and explained it to me, even though I didn't care, I listened and told him it sounded bizarre. He asked me how my show was and I told him and I know he didn't care but we talk, we communicate on big issues and small ones. And today, well, today was just another example of how well we work together. 

I think, somehow, all the shitty stuff that happened in my life lead me to him. All the mistakes I made, choices I made, good and bad, all of that lead to him. He is better than I ever dreamed. And I'm so proud of him. So damn proud to be his wife and his soul mate and his best friend. 

The other day I got mad at his family for not seeing him the way I do. For not seeing this amazing man, with a Masters degree nearly finished (May 12th!!!!) and a great career as an Army Captain, with a Bronze star under his belt already. A man who has amazing values and strength and enough compassion to be a great leader for his soldiers that he'll have in less than 2 years. A man who puts our family first, above all else. A man who would do anything in the world to keep us all happy. A man whose convictions are strong enough that he can say no to my impulsiveness (when it's wrong to be impulsive) and a man who is strong enough to take on a pre-made family without questioning it. A man who wants to build our family, who wants to provide us with an amazing life... A man who is so utterly perfect that his flaws and annoying traits are so insignificant. I guess I'm just so proud and in love that it hurt me when he told me that none of his family knew how close he was to graduating with his masters, how none of them remembered how he received his Bronze Star... I think it bothered me more than my family somewhat ignoring me. After all, he grew up with his and they know less about him (but think they know everything there is to know) than my family knows about me. And that's just sad to me. 

Sometimes, truth comes in peaceful moments. Sometimes, clarity comes within the chaos. And sometimes, all you have to do is open your heart to it. 

I know I rambled alot here, and for that I'm sorry, but this was what has been on my mind today and I just had to get it out... 

Oh and one more thing, my homestate of New Jersey are total morons for even suggesting they lower the flag to half-mast for an alcoholic junkie. She doesn't deserve that. Only our REAL heroes deserve that kind of respect 

God Bless the Troops, Firefighters, Police Officers and EMTs that die in the line of duty. 

Love,

For now & Forever,

Leah

mixed review

Well, this past week was... eventful, to say the least. I am welcoming a new life while still dealing with my old one.

Thanksgiving was nice. I really like Dawn best of all Steve's sisters, and being there are five of them, I definitely have a variety to choose from. She is a great cook. Her boyfriend Kenny and his father and uncle are all very nice too. I would go into more detail but I'm currently on Percosets and my mind can't think too well at the moment.

We got back from Texas today around 5:30 and all day I'd been in severe pain. As it turns out, after going to the ER, my back tooth and wisdom tooth are clashing together to cause one to break and spread an infection. It's incredibly painful and I am scheduled to see a dentist in the morning to get them removed. I'm also on Penicillin to control the infection (basically to keep it from spreading) and Percoset to dull the pain. And I say dull because after taking two, (one at 11, the next at 12) I am still in pain and it's 1:38am. I have been struggling all day with the pain and I finally gave up and called BJACH (our Army Hospital). They told me to come in. When I went in, after waiting over an hour and a half, I finally walked out with my referral and pain medicine. My appointment is first thing in the morning and I'm nervous but I'm sure it will be fine. Steve says he's been there and they've always done an amazing job. Thank God. I'm so glad that I finally have my health insurance back, I have been avoiding going to a doctor and dealing with my pain for so long that giving into it and letting myself appear vulnerable made me feel overwhelming relief.

I'm not sure how active I will be over the next few days. I already let the girls on RBL know because I feel a strong responsibility to be there for them when they  need me and I've already neglected them yesterday and most of today.

I am fighting with Darrell again. Well, not so much fighting as telling him what I need him to do to have him refuse to do it. So there only leaves one thing I can do, which is go to a lawyer and find out how they can help me. Lucky, we're Army and the Army likes to give free Legal Assistance. :) Yay for that. Less stress.

It seems the Army has done alot more for me in two weeks than my entire four years living as a civilian. I hated that time in my life. It's filled with half-regrets and the only good outcomes were my children being with me, being raised by myself and my husband and now life is moving forward. My prayers are being answered. It's such a welcome relief and the fact that my husband has played my hero today and will do so again tomorrow just makes me feel so much better. I have a wonderful man who is everything I ever dreamed of. How lucky can one girl be?

Apparently very.

Love,
For Now & Forever,
Leah

Rant

As much as I love Steve, I am glad we will never live near his family. The fact is they are very conservative baptist and think I am the wrong type of christian. I'm catholic!! I was raised with faith, have the same bible they have, we just practice differently. I find it to be a little disgusting and quite closed minded to assume you are going to heaven while other people are going to hell. No one knows where they stand with God until they die.

And it bothers me how much they judge. I try so hard not to judge others. I don't assume one way or another if someone is living their life the best they can, if they will go to heaven. That's not my place. I also don't assume they are the wrong religion, no matter what their religion is. It's vain to assume you know better than anyone else. You take what you know, you live the best you can, you lead by example and never assume you know all the answers, because no one can know all the answers.

And I'm mad. Mad at his family for acting like Steve has suddenly changed. As long as I've known him, he's always said that his family wouldn't understand his own beliefs so he just doesn't tell them. He said they wouldn't like me because I'm tattooed, catholic and a single mom. It doesn't matter that I don't attempt to control him. It doesn't matter that I don't tell him to do this or that, or ask him to change his faith or do things that are against his nature. I don't even assume that I know him absolutely. But I know he's a good, kind, decent, honorable man. I know he has faith, that he wants to go to Heaven, that he believes in much of the same things I do. But according to his mother, he's just changed. He hasn't but apparently, she doesn't know anything about him anymore. Or she'd never assume that, either.

And I'm not lost. I know where I stand on God and my faith. Just because it doesn't match theirs doesn't mean I'm lost. Or that I think I will go to hell. A few years ago, they would have been right. But not anymore. Not since I found my way after my father's death. It took a while but I have my faith back. And I'm not changing for them. Especially people that don't get me. Steve hasn't asked and nor would he. We agree on faith. We agree on most things in that area. Just because we have different labels means nothing to us.

So the reason this rant is unfolding is because they excluded me from the Christmas Exchange. Instead of including me, since we'll be married by then, which they know, they left me out. My feelings are this "that's messed up" and "fine, i'll just be the auntie who spoils the nieces and nephews. screw it, I don't want to be included this year or any other year." It stings but at the same time, it just makes me feel better to be excluded. I honestly don't want to be apart of such a hypocritical family. They wouldn't consider me a factor in Steve's life before we were engaged and married, so screw it. Now that I am, they choose to ignore me. Whatever.

I'm really not interested in dealing with them. They don't know Steve at all. They are truly very small minded and they don't even consider the fact that they may be wrong. It's disappointing. I was honestly hoping for in-laws that would at least take the time to know me but LABELS mean they won't. Well, whether they like it or not, I'm about to be Steve's wife and that means they'll have to deal with me as much as I have to deal with them. And honestly, I don't care if they like me.


Confused again by Civilians...