Insomnia

Insomnia. It's a horrible thing sometimes. Right now, I'm sitting on my bed, not even under the covers, with Beau sleeping at the foot of my bed (on the floor, because I'm not sure I got all the fleas or ticks and don't want any of those on me). I just spent the past hour or so fixing my "labels" for the blog, I always manage to forget to label as I'm writing so I had to go back over nearly 300 posts and delete some and label the rest. I got rid of most of the ones about my exes, because quite frankly, I don't want to remember those times later. Steve is sleeping in the livingroom with Luna because I can't take her hissing at Beau constantly. Beau pretty much leaves her be (even though she could be a snack to him, he's huge!) but she stalks him and hisses when he comes too close. She's not thrilled that I brought a dog into her domain. Oh, well! I'm watching Vampire Diaries on Netflix, because I'm that bored. It's almost 3am and I haven't slept at all. I almost fell asleep when Beau got on the bed and I had to get him off. He's such a big boy who wants to cuddle but I can't let him until I'm positive he's healthy. So tomorrow, I call the vet to make an appointment for both animals. Random thoughts spin through my mind. The stress from that unfounded complaint, the PCS, the whole selling the house thing, Beau, Luna, the kids, my husband, the Army... it's all so overwhelming and I need a relaxing time.

Steve and I were talking what we'd do on our leave between here and Fort Leonard Wood... We decided we'd go camping for most of the duration. Rent a cabin with the kids and the animals, go fishing, go hiking, enjoy some quality time together. It'll be good for us, all of us. Then when we get to Fort Leonard Wood, I have a lot of stress when I get there.

It's just so much stress. When will it go away so I can sleep a full night without it being drug induced (as in sleep aids, not anything harder).

But I am happy. My kids are thrilled to have a dog, I am thrilled to have Beau here. Steve is ok with it because he knows it makes me happy even though he's not so thrilled by the vet bills and the move with a dog, but hey, he loves when I'm happy and is happy when I'm happy, so that helps.

Anyways, time to try for sleep again. Exhausted and am really hoping I get some.

Love,
Leah

No sleep and minor complaints

I didn't sleep a wink last night. I was up all night long watching Dexter and trying to fall asleep. It really was hard to sleep and I'm not even sure why. I just know that by the time I realized it, my husband was up for PT and it was too late. So about a half hour ago, I started coffee and am on my first cup now. My son is chilling next to me watching Dinosaur Train, his favorite show and my husband is home from PT. And I haven't slept at all. Now that I'm ready to fall asleep, and could easily (I feel that sheer exhaustion that would knock me out) I can't, because I have a dental appointment today and I'm dreading that in and of itself.

I guess, a part of me just reboots itself from time to time and a part of that is not sleeping. It happens a few times a year regularly but I got so used to this feeling when Steve was deployed and I haven't really had it since he came home. Now I have to deal with no sleep and a full day of a dental appointment and a repairman coming to fix our washing machine and two kids who will demand my attention and catching up on laundry and dealing with my husband being on Staff Duty tonight. Like I need anymore stuff to do, I have to book my kids doctors appointments and dental appointments and all I really want to do is sleep.

So I'm drinking coffee. One of the best coffees ever too, btw. My favorite Canadian coffee place lets you order their coffee online so I have a cup of fresh brewed Tim Horton's, or as I call it, Timmeh's. But anyways, for some reason my backspace key is sticking and I have a full day ahead of me, so I better get ready for the day.... I just can't wait til I can curl up and sleep. Just 12 - 15 more hours til bedtime.

God help me through.

Love,
Leah

Day 2 of 2012

Today was one of those days where my senses and hormones made me less than sweet. I try to be the perfect wife and do the right things but at times, I fail even myself, and my husband. I did however get alot done last night and now I am laying in bed, watching Planet of the Apes (the new one), and just put aside my book to write this blog.

My husband is sleeping and I'm glad for that. We argued today. Our first real one. And it sucked. I won't go into details because honestly, those are private. Needless to say, we made up and are back to our loving selves.

I did stop by walmart today and print out photos for my Gram and Mother-in-law and got a photo album for the rest of the wedding photos and the pictures I took out in the woods the other day. It's nice to know that I can keep the memories with me.

Other than that, I wrote a journal entry, planned more of my daughter's birthday party. Watched X-Men First Class with the hubby, had dinner (take-out) and all in all just relaxed most of the day. Tomorrow, I have a to-do list that includes alot of calls to doctors.

I really should get some sleep. I'm tired but a part of me just doesn't want to sleep. I'm just too much in my head that I'm sure this particular blog entry makes no sense.

Anyways,

Love,
For Now and Forever,

Leah

I barely slept last night that when I finally crawled into bed next to my fiance, I had written my wedding vows, watched the last five episodes of season Six of Bones and the first episode from the seventh season, worked a little on my Veteran's day tribute video and that was around three-thirty a.m. I finally fell asleep around four, and slept almost completely through Steve coming home from PT (I finally woke up a little but when back to sleep) and managed to wake up around 9 this morning.

Ever since I've been awake, my mind has been consumed by my wedding in a week. Exactly a week. Seven days. There are only so many hours between now and then and I feel as though a million things must be done before I can walk down the aisle and say my vows to my husband-to-be. My dress is here, I have my shoes, my petticoat, my bra (victoria secret is awesome), my cloak. I have my hair refreshed and looking beautifully red and long. Lily has her flower girl dress and basket. Jax has his suit and ring bearer pillow. Steve had his Uniform altered. My bridesmaids are picked out, my wedding is just about together. There is alot I have to get done over this next week, but the main stuff, the important stuff. That is done. 

I doubt I could be happier than I am when I look at him smile at me. When I fell into bed last night, he wrapped his arms around me and told me he loved me. He kissed me and held me. I finally fell asleep to the sound of his steady breathing and the bump-bump-thump pattern of his heart. He woke me up when he came home from PT saying he'd put the tv on in the livingroom, fed them breakfast and that I could sleep. He came and woke me when he left saying Jax was sleeping on the coach because our kitten had slept with him last night and apparently, he hadn't slept much. I finally woke up about an hour after that. And when I did, I woke up to the kids cuddling on the couch, their eyes lit up when they saw me and we watched Blues Clues together. It was nice to cuddle with them and just spend that time with them doing something simple.

Lately, we've all been so busy. The kids have their friends, I have mine, Steve has his. We have wedding plans, the military and college to deal with. We have so much going on. It seems strange that this hasn't been my life for years and years. After all, when you finally have everything you wanted, you can hardly remember what life was like before you had it.

Anyways, I have to go. Lots to do. 

Much Love,

For now and Forever,

Leah

have a little faith

Can't sleep tonight. Not really sure why. I was cleaning my room and organizing stuff. I should really go to bed now. I miss him too much though. I keep thinking about how he'll be home soon and how much that scares me because I've never loved someone more than him. He's this wonderful, truly good man and I don't know how I somehow managed to "get" him. He loves me too, which is amazing... Just everything about our relationship has been amazing. He wants to grant my every wish and make every dream come true but all I really want is to have a good man love me, marry him and be the best wife and mother to our children. I'm dreaming of the day I say I do...

Riot won't leave me alone. She's the biggest suck of an animal. Bigger than Chias even though she's much smaller, which works to her advantage because she can sit on my arm as I type this and snuggle with my chin. I'm her mommy and she knows it.

Well like I said I should go to bed... <3 much love

Late night ramblings

I am lucky and I know it. I never thought I was lucky before. Not until he came into my life, six months after I lost the greatest man I'd ever known. When I met him, my life began to slowly change. I was always excited to get a call or an email or text. Then summer came and with it came new hope and joy and sadly, deployment also. He left and my life went through a series of changes that left me with complete uncertainty until the new year but through it all, he supported me, cheered me on, gave me hope and made me laugh and feel special. I fell in love with him during that time because he was my constant and no one had been that before. Not like him. He encouraged me to apply for school and start learning from home while I raise my children, so I could be better capable of caring for my family in the future. He accepts my creativity and unique thoughts and may even find me funny at times. He never makes demands. I was so blessed the day I met him, even though I didn't realize it quite yet. I knew he was something special from the beginning. I remember confessing to a friend that there was potential there. I remember wishing he would be mine, that something about me would impress him, that he would want me and be proud to be mine. Then one day, I was granted my wish and ever since, I've been at a loss of what to do. I'm afraid to question too much and I'm afraid that he'll wake up one day and realize that I'm not right. He's never been anything but supportive and when he's making a point, he is always logical and reasonable. I worry because other voices haunt me. I've only been supported in the way he supports me by two other people and they had to love me because they were my Dad and Grandpa. He chooses to be with me and it seems unimaginable that I could survive losing him. Somehow a perfect stranger can transform your life into something beautiful. Somehow, he can be vital to your very happiness. Hearing his voice is the most relieving sound in the world. Just knowing he's ok helps so much. Knowing that he thought about me and called me makes me feel certain. It's the quiet lonely nights when I miss him most that my mind rushes off into the dark forest of my mind, filled with trees of branching, twisted thought. The fears come to surface and the darkness surrounding me invites the darkness to come out. I worry about failing myself, failing my kids, failing him. I worry so many worries and it becomes a battle to fight them off. But I read old letters or emails, I listen to voice mails on my machine. I watch funny shows or movies and I laugh about something I think of. I focus my mind on my studies. When the fears rush in, I must extinguish them. I plan to succeed in everything I do. I plan to raise two well-behaved children with good manners. I plan to do well in my academic career. I plan to be a faithful and loving girlfriend to my amazing hero. I plan to be a true and loyal friend and a kind and decent sister. I intend to live my life up to the ideals that I believe the classic women of strength carried. Eleanor Roosevelt was one of my idols, as are several other distinguished ladies: Nancy Reagan and Laura Bush, to name two. I also believe in being creative and smart and having a voice but I love home values. I always pictured that being a mom meant that I would raise my own kids, getting them involved with things. And for most of my kids lives, I've somehow managed to be one. It's not always been perfect and I'm not an expert mom, but I do my best and I love my kids more than anything. I'm blessed and I'm lucky because for once, I am not a nervous wreck about every little thing. I'm happy. I'm warm. My kids are happy, my kids are smiling and talking and are experiencing new things that they love. I'd only be happier if he were home. That would be the cherry-on-top, the icing-on-the-cake. <3 I love him and it's the most frighteningly amazing thing in the world. And I'm the luckiest girl in the world, because most only dream of meeting their hero and somehow, I have a future with mine

I miss you

 It's been hard. I don't know what's wrong other than I miss you and I can't seem to find the words to express it right when i put pen to paper. So the old fall back, typing. Laptop keys meet my furious pounding and they take it willingly because they know I miss you.

 I thought about you alot today and I cried a few times from certain songs but I never stop thinking it's worth it. I want you to know how much I love you. Always. For now and forever.

late night "i miss yous"

Some nights, I have a collection of "I miss yous" ... see, I miss my Dad because he was a gift to me from Heaven, he was on loan and I wish I could have more time. and I miss my brother, because some days I wish I could go out back and watch him fix the dirt bikes while we talked... I miss my grandpa, I miss being someone's favorite and having a family, no matter how dysfunctional. I miss a few people that have gone into the "forgotten-people pile" because there's just no place for us in each others' lives anymore. I miss my best friend, Marcus, because he was that first true friend who could make me laugh. I miss Tommie, because he was a lifelong friend and knowing he's in Heaven helps. I miss Kristen, she was such a fighter and I admired her for that, but in the end the cancer won. I miss Andrew, because he could always make you laugh and before we could reconnect he was gone. I miss Shane, because he was my first kiss and my first boyfriend and my best friend for such a long time, that when the cancer took him and I talked to his Dad, I felt my heart break, he was such a good person and I knew he would be someone wonderful. I miss Corey, because he had a way of making God real, even to the wild child with a rebellious streak. He died a few years ago in a car wreck that his brother walked away from. I still cry about that. I miss my friends in Europe because we had so much fun and as complicated as life was, it was great to have such amazing people around me who always had my back: Phillyup, Brandon, Brent, Waffles (Sacha), Lizard (Lizzie), Mexican (Ricker), Hobo (Mike)... We had different groups but whenever I was with any of them I felt happy and we laughed and usually had so much fun. I miss my friends in Jersey, before I left and time made us grow apart. I miss my friends spread out in the world, too far away to visit, but somehow still catch glimpses of each others lives, like waves. I miss old teachers like Mr. Lopez, Mr. Pinto, Marm... Mr. Lopez was awesome in Europe. He did his best to help me and I'd like to think he taught me valuable lessons. Pinto taught me about music, but he also shared funny stories like about watching Xmen in the dark and freaking himself out. But Marm, he's family. He shaped my life in a profound way and there should be people like that in the world.

You see, thinking about them, all of them... it doesn't ache nearly as much as missing you. I miss you alot right now. I miss your voice, I miss your face, I miss your heartbeat, I miss your kiss. I wish you were here tonight to hold me... I wish we were somewhere together. You are awesome and I miss you. I can't wait til this summer when I get to see you again. <3 ily

Deployment sucks...

I can't sleep, but I've already written him a letter. So I can't do that. I've already posted to my albums. So I can't do that. I have done homework and taken notes. I've looked into different vacations (we talked about maybe going on one when he gets home, it's still up in the air). I've checked out my favorite comic strip, watched NCIS, NCIS: LA and Parenthood, now watching Charmed on dvd. Yet again. I already finished all my NCIS dvds for the second time this year. So what am I doing? rambling. Nonsensical things going about in my head. Random thoughts of kittens discovering the world, of being grateful for the silence after today (the kids were in a grumpy mood all day), thinking of the future, missing Steve and wondering what he's doing. Debating going to get ice cream with Belgian chocolate sprinkles. Thinking it'd be yummy but is it worth the effort, the leaving facebook for five minutes and missing him all together.

This is all part of deployment and I've come to realize that when it's the man you love, it's different than being the daughter, friend, sister of someone deployed. Your entire life revolves around receiving any word from the far away place they are. You worry more at night when you have gone 34 hours without word and are unsure of when the next message, call, letter will arrive. You spend every night unable to fall asleep, either because you'll miss the chance to talk for five, ten minutes with disconnections happening every sixty seconds. You pray with their dogtags in your hand, as if it was a rosary. You close your eyes and picture them next to you, their smile, their eyes, their laugh. You remember the moments that took your breath away, the moments that left you laughing, the moments that you listened to their heart beat as they slept. The way their lips felt on yours is a ghost that lingers. The distance becomes an ache but that ache is bitter-sweet. You ache, feel pain, worry, anxiety and you are willing to feel it because what it means is worth it. It means that when they come home, you'll have that moment, that first kiss, that feeling of falling all over again. The knowing that the man that you have waited for is returning to you.

Deployment means being emotional and crying at a song, a commercial, a glance at a photograph. There is no real comfort for the entire time, but when a letter arrives, life explodes with color and happiness, however brief, because it means that he misses you, that you were in his thoughts and it means everything in the world. When your phone rings with the unknown or foreign number, you answer it with excitement and are overly thrilled to hear their voice, even if a minute later you hear "crack-crack-stomp-stomp-boom-boom" and have to wait to be reconnected. A single phone call can make a whole day that much better and the lack of communication can make the best of days seem lacking. You scour youtube for new music, songs, tributes. When you discover one that says exactly what you feel, you are reduced to tears. When a television show has a theme that is deeper, you wish for their arms around you and cry. It's the hardest thing, to go months without a solid nights sleep and with this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. But you tell yourself, every day that you can do it. That no one said it was easy, but it's worth it. And it is.

It's worth it because of the messages, calls, letters. It's worth it because of that first kiss. It's worth it because of the anticipation of the future. It's worth it because you know that one person in the world, who is willing to give up his life for complete strangers, cares about you and would do anything for you. It's worth it because that one person still takes up your nights when you write letters, and get the opportunity to talk to them. It's worth it, no matter the risk, because love is worth it and isn't love always a risk? And true life-defining love is worth that risk.

And that's what gets me through everyday. Every sleepless night. I know he's worth it. So I pray. I pray for his safe return, I pray for him to still want me when he gets home (it's a deployment insecurity). I pray for the kind of love that Nancy had for Ronald and the love he bore for her. I pray for the simple things in life. I pray every morning and every night and countless times throughout the day. I pray for a call, a letter, a message. I pray for patience when I see couples together. I pray for self control when a girlfriend complains about her boyfriend, fiance or husband. I pray for sleep and dreams of him. I pray a million different prayers but the prayer I pray most often is for him to come home safe and to me.

Days and weeks go by and the countdown becomes less and less. Everyday that passes is one day closer to seeing him. And when that day comes, I will be the happiest girl in the world. It's always on my mind. And as I sit here, wrapped in his shirt, his dogtags hanging around my neck next to the cross he gave me for christmas/valentines day, I stare at his picture and miss him more.

missing you hurts

I woke up this morning at around 530. I just couldn't sleep. I guess it's that time of deployment. It's the part where the random tears come and the missing grows stronger. The part where every happy couple I see, I want to punch and make them go away. But it's also the time I start my countdown for r&r. I miss you. I just want you to know that you are the reason for me. The reason I want good in my life, the reason I don't want to let go, no matter how hard this deployment is. I wish we had more realtime romance but I know somehow we'll figure it out....well i gotta go. Miss you... can't wait for your voice.