Just a random rambling post

In the quiet of the night, I feel the most at peace. 

Not a sound, not even a whisper of anyone else awake... 

Sometimes that's when I feel the most alive, in the dead of the night.

I just spent the whole night doing things that I wasn't able to get done yesterday (It's 330 on Tuesday Morning). But beyond doing what needed to be done, I took a bath in this milk bath stuff I got today (and it felt oh-so-good to sit in the tub with steaming hot water, candles burning and a good book in my hand). I also cleaned my pores for the 2nd time this week (I'm really trying to make my skin stay youthful longer now) and then braided my hair so it won't get into a mess after I finally close my eyes. I also managed to fill out all the paperwork needed for the Army...

Ah, the Army. What a pain in the ass it was today. (Let me say this before I begin my ... bitch fest::: I love the Army. I love the Military. I'm so proud to be an Army wife and to be the daughter of a true American Hero and I am so honored to be among the 2% of the population that deals with this life every day, all day but sometimes, it can get on your nerves.) Steve had to go for his SRP and do a few other in-processing things. First, we stopped by Tricare and registered (finally got the SSN thing worked out, for the longest time my care was still under my father's instead of my husband's and now it's finally fixed). Then we went to lunch before he went back for his finance briefing and while he did that I went to the commissary (grocery shopping time, which went very well). Well, he texts me and says it'll take a few hours, so I start to head off post, only to have him call me and ask me to turn around, that he'll be done in five or ten minutes. Well twenty minutes later, I call him and ask him what's up. He tells me he's doing his SRP and that I should go drop the groceries off (I was in the parking lot waiting for him), so I go home (and almost got killed by some dumbass driver who decided the road was a great place to stop and reverse when I was right behind him, I avoided being hit by less than 2 feet, not comforting.) So I drop off all the refrigerated and freezer stuff because he tells me "Hearing test then done." So I rush and then he calls me while I'm on my way back to post. "It'll take a little while longer." By this time it's already been 2 hours or so. So the kids and I head to the PX just to see what's for sale. I ended up getting two books and some gummy candies from Germany (Haribo rocks!!) and he texts me "Almost done" So I tell him ok, let me pay, I'll head over and pick you up. This is at 1600. I drive over and park and say I'm waiting and he texts me and says almost done again. So I wait. A half hour later, he is actually done and walks out of the building. His excuse was that they didn't tell him it'd take so long but I had already assumed it would. So I guess my aggravation today was mixed between the Army's in-processing and his constant "Almost done" thing.

Anyways, I finally make it home and unload the rest of the groceries, send him out for sushi and around 1945 the kids are in jammies and head to bed. So I washed the bath tub and soaked for a while before showering and when I got out. I felt so much better, less stressed. Then I chilled for a bit before I started cleaning randomly. The kitchen is spotless again. Papers that we needed filled out are filled out completely except the parts I don't know with post-its on each page so he knows what I need him to do before turning it in.

And at 330, I finally got ready for bed. I guess this post was kind of pointless but it's the middle of the night and I ramble then. Much love.

Who am I?

I thought I'd fill all of you in on the biggest parts of my life, from who I am to how I got here... The good stuff mostly :) It's partly to help bring focus to myself on my own life. I've been down lately and am hoping to feel better soon.

So here goes. Who am I?

Well I'm Leah and I'm 24 years old. I am married to my amazing soldier, Steve, who is a Captain in the Army. I am the mother to two beautiful and wonderful children: my daughter, Lily, a five year old girlie-girl and my son, Jax, a three and a half year old boy who loves dinosaurs and cars. I have two gorgeous four-legged babies: my kitten (well more of a cat now) Luna and my dog (possibly a purebred Great Pyrenees) Beau.

I have made alot of mistakes in my life but my kids have never been one of them. I didn't choose the right man to have them with (if you can even call their biological father a man, sometimes I don't) but I love them more than anything and am so glad they are mine and in my custody.

Lily was born January of 2007, when I was 19. She was a hard pregnancy and a horrible labor but she came into the world with a full head of hair and gasolene eyes. Her hair and eyes have lightened up alot since she was born and now has dark chestnut brown eyes (like me) and dirty blonde/light brown hair. Her favorite things are dance class, her dolls, her dog and cat (she thinks our animals are hers), my husband (Daddy, in her eyes), her brother and me. Her favorite color is pink and she thinks she's a princess.

Jax was born June of 2008, when I was 20, almost 21. He was the simplest pregnancy ever, no morning sickness and a relatively easy labor. He was born with a full head of hair and dark gray eyes with green flecks. Like his sister, those changed. His eyes are now dark brown with flecks of green and his hair is the same as his sister's dirty blond/light brown. His favorite things are dinosaurs, cars, trains, dirt, Daddy, his sister and me.

My own father, who was my first hero, sadly died on October 27th, 2009 and left me broken-hearted and without a family. I loved my Daddy fiercely, as only a daughter can love a father. He was in the US Air Force, in the Special Ops. He spent his life fighting against evil men, teaching me the Military Values that would become so ingrained in me that no one measured up, except my husband. He was funny, kind, amazing. He spoiled me and loved me and took care of me. He did all the things a Dad is supposed to do and more. When he died, I lost so much more than just a Dad. I lost my white-knight, my Hero and my biggest supporter of all my dreams and hopes. In honor of his memory, I got a tattoo on my left calf (actually two) of his unit coin. On one side it says "305th Spec Ops" above a skeleton hand holding arrows and below it says "Darkness Brings Death". On the other side it says "Daddy" above a grim reaper standing in front of the tail of a C-141 and below it says "Sleep Tight". My Daddy's unit motto was "Darkness brings death, sleep tight."

My husband and I met in March of 2010. We were supposed to be pen-pals when he was originally going to deploy with a different unit. He didn't end up deploying but we ended up talking on a daily basis, exchanging texts and emails, building a relationship that we weren't even sure what the future held for it, if it even held anything. We became good friends.

Then in July of 2010, he and I met face-to-face and felt a strong connection. While we both agreed not to make promises until we were positive that we would be able to keep them, we swore that we would stay in touch and send letters while he deployed to Afghanistan. He still called me as much as he could, wrote me letters and I wrote him. Our connection grew as the time passed where we only got to know each other, finding that as each day passed, we thought of each other more and more.

 Finally in November of 2010, I swore that I would wait for him (although I hadn't dated anyone else while he was gone anyways). Also in November of 2010, I started Recruited ByLove, a facebook profile set up to be a support page and friend to other military girlfriends, wives and family members. (The way it's grown has blown my mind and I keep thinking of other ways to expand and make it something real and viable, something that will help not only the women on the page but others who have never even joined).

In January 2011, he came home for R&R and we spent all the time together we could, when we agreed that I would move to Fort Polk to wait for him and live in his house. From the time I lived in Louisiana til he came home, he and I dealt with everything together as much as we could with him being half a world away. I got things ready for his return and he helped me take care of things. We were serious about our future together. Talks of marriage and kids came up.

He came home from Afghanistan in August of 2011, and I was never happier about a man in my life. On post deployment leave, he brought me to Indiana to meet his family, the first time he's ever introduced someone to his family since he'd left home. They didn't like me for their own reasons (that mostly have to do with religious and cultural differences) but that doesn't really matter to me, the only thing that does is how my husband feels about me and he loves me.

After our post deployment vacation, we decided to get married as soon as we could. We started going to pre-marital counceling with his unit Chaplain (who also married us) and believe it or not, our Chaplain picked our wedding date (November 11, 2011).

He officially proposed to me on October 17th, 2011. The way he proposed was so wonderful. We had already picked out my ring (it's gorgeous) and had to have it shipped so I didn't get to wear it without an official proposal :). He took me to the training area of Fort Polk, where little "Afghan villages" are set up and the wild horses roam. I was petting a wild mare and softly talking to the mare when he approached me, got down on one knee and asked me "Leah Gose, will you be my wife?" Of course, I said yes. After all, that was my plan for so long :)

After a month of rushing around to finalize wedding plans and get it all set up, we were married in the Airborne Chapel on November 11th, 2011 (11-11-11) by our Chaplain with close friends and Steve's mother and one of his sisters present. It was a wonderful day and the day my life as the Captain's wife began.

Since we've gotten married, we adopted our cat, Lunatic, a beautiful black and white kitten, made improvements on our house (which we're selling to PCS soon), celebrated holidays, attended Army functions together, spent time as a family together. We have been through doctor appointments, dental appointments, family drama, and alot of other things. We also had our dog, Beau, show up out of the blue and make our family even more complete.

He spoils me rotten and makes my life perfect. Sure, it's not actually perfect. There's drama with petty army wives, frustrations from being in the Army life, bills to pay, things that have to get done, stress from PCSing, raising kids and every day stuff that tends to pile on faster than we can get it done. It's great though, because we are together for as long as we can.

And he encourages me. He encourages RBL and school and my artistic side. He loves that I create beautiful things, from my garden to poetry. He loves that I'm a good mother and that I care. He doesn't mind all my tattoos, or the fact that I want more. He doesn't mind that I dye my hair bright red because the idea of having natural hair bothers me. He doesn't mind that I am a bookworm who reads incessantly. He doesn't mind that I would rather wear cowboy boots and jeans than flip flops and shorts. He doesn't mind that I swear and have an attitude. He likes that I understand the military better than most girls he's ever been with. He likes that I can represent him at military functions and be his public face. He likes that I am a big-hearted softy when it comes to animals and people. He doesn't mind that sometimes I'm over-emotional. He loves me.

And I love him. I love how great he is with the kids. How he is such a hard worker, smart, funny, caring, wonderful, overall amazing. I love that he's getting his Master's degree soon. I love that he's strong enough to deal with things that I can't. I love that he has such a strong moral compass and doesn't deviate from his views, even if I disagree with them. I love that he has his own ways to have fun and I have mine. I love that we are close and that neither of us want to be with anyone else.

The fact is, my life is pretty great. I have these beautiful children who make my world a little bit more sparkle worthy. I have this great man that loves my kids like they are his own, that loves me with all his heart. A man who lets me keep animals as soon as I have my heart set on them. I love that he gave me everything I ever dreamed of and more. I have a beautiful cat who purrs almost every time I pick her up and cuddles with me when she has a chance. And now, I have this handsome dog, who isn't overly affectionate, but enough to know he loves me already.

I have friends that I love to talk to. My closest friends are Megan and Liz, who sadly live far away from me. Megan is in New Jersey and I introduced her to my friend, Eric, an enlisted soldier, who I met while being his pen-pal while he was in Iraq. They are so good together and every time I hear about how they are doing, a part of me feels so great. I was able to introduce a good couple to each other. Liz is in Florida and hasn't found anyone serious yet, but we go back a long time and know each other really well. Both of those girls are my sisters of the heart. I'm so lucky to have such great friends in them.

Our future holds a new post in less than two months, hopefully a baby, named Hunter or Willow, maybe a puppy in addition to Luna and Beau. Hopefully, I will have more friends, a more active social life and more things to be happy about in the future.

I am happy. I am in love. I am faithful, compassionate, loyal, loving. I have a big heart when it comes to kids and animals. I am untrusting when it comes to men and don't get along that well with women. I'm shy around new people and am one of those people where you either love me or hate me, there really isn't middle ground. I love music of all kinds. I love to watch TV on DVD or on Netflix rather than watch commercials. I love hockey and football, teams being the Jersey Devils and the Washington Redskins. I love to read and have already read almost 30 books this year alone (and it's only March 8th). I love to knit from time to time and I love to take pictures and edit them. I love to spend time with my family and I love to cuddle with my pets. I love when my husband takes me to dinner and I love when we all go out together. I love when everything is going good and nothing is going wrong.

And most of all, right now I just am happy to be alive, despite the stress... Sometimes I have to go over the past couple of years to see how great my life really is... I'm a lucky girl.

Love,
Leah

Leap Day Blessings

Today is February 29th, 2012. A leap year. Today is the day that happens only once every four years. I've been thinking alot today... about what has happened in my life since the last leap year and why I am so very blessed to be alive and have what I have. After all, not everyone is so lucky.

*~* I have an amazing husband, who is so supportive of me and my dreams. He's a great husband, who takes care of me when I'm sick, spoils me to make me smile and loves me unconditionally. He's a great father, who is content raising two kids that aren't his biologically but are his in heart. He's such a great soldier, who accomplishes so much and is willing to do so much for his Country. And he's such an intelligent man, graduating with his Master's degree, getting his second in a year's time.  I'm so proud of the man he is and so lucky that he is mine.

*~* I have two beautiful children: Lily and Jax, who are my whole world and show me the beautiful things in life every day. They are gorgeous and smart and so funny and kind. They protect each other and love each other. They love me and they love their Daddy. We are so lucky to have healthy children who have a future full of amazing possibilities in front of them.

*~* I have a home, with comfortable and nice furniture, plenty of food in the fridge, modern technology that is so amazing, clothes to wear and a vehicle to drive. I've been homeless before. I've had times where I starved so I could feed my children and clothing came from the donation bin at the salvation army. And I've had no vehicle several times. Life is so much better with all of that.

*~* I have a beautiful kitty who loves us and wants to show us love almost all the time. She's cute and sweet and the perfect cat.

*~* I have great friends who I talk to regularly, and some that I talk to occasionally. But if it weren't for my girls, Megan and Liz, I think I would go crazy not being able to talk to the two girls who know me best and who I love most.

*~* I have my Gram, who is an amazingly strong woman that I aspire to be like. She's been through so much and is strong and opinionated and wonderful. She's an inspiration in my life.

*~* I have Recruited ByLove, my support site that allows me to talk to so many amazing ladies and gents. They truly take my breath away with their strength and courage and they are so respectful (most of them, anyways) to each other and have such adult conversations. It makes me proud to know them all and to be expanding on it.

*~* I have fun toys, like my laptop, my tv, my game systems, my kindles, my phone, my camera... I am so blessed to have things that I can play with and enjoy.

*~* That my kids can participate in activities like Soccer and Dance class. It's nice to be able to send them to do things for fun, to make friends and to learn skills like team work and becoming their own person. It's so awesome to see how my kids are expanding with each passing moment.

*~* That we are getting a puppy soon. We've discussed it and have decided to adopt either a Mastiff or a Boxer puppy in May or June. We've even found two breeders (one of each breed). We had previously adopted from a shelter but after paying $1400 for a dog that died within a week and a half of bringing it home, we decided we'd rather go with a breeder this time and get a dog that we can train from puppy up and one that has papers that we can breed. :) I'm hoping to get a male mastiff and call him "Midas"

*~* That I've gotten all my dental work done (or will as of Monday) and won't have to worry about it after that except for maintaining. I never went to the dentist as a kid and it's so nice to finally feel better about myself.

*~* That I'm not getting abused in any way, shape or form. I was abused as a child by my mother. She tried to kill me and hurt me in any way she could, whether it was mentally, emotionally or physically. Our relationship ended completely when she aimed a shotgun at my head and we haven't spoken in a year. It's been a great year.

*~* That I have my Father's memory to carry with me. I am lucky to have had such an amazing father in my life. The fact that he's now passed away and I don't get to spend anymore time with him truly does hurt but I am still happy that I can remember him and know that he'd be proud of me for all that I do.

*~* To be an Army wife and to have a husband who I am so proud of for all he does for our Country. I am proud to be his wife, his public face while he's deployed or not at home for whatever reason. I'm proud to be among the 2% of the population who sacrifices so much for our country, whether it's going to war and losing your life or getting injured or sacrificing time with your family or loved one in order to support his or her dreams. I feel I am blessed to be part of this community and culture.

*~* I am blessed to have healthcare and dental insurance. It's so great to not worry about the cost of my prescriptions or seeing a doctor and having a huge medical bill. I'm so lucky that I can schedule my children for shots or physicals, that I can go to the Emergency room and not face horrendous fees for anything. It's so nice to have that worry off my mind.

I am probably blessed for so many other things that I can't think of right now, but I wanted to acknowledge what I could today, a leap day, a special day to say what matters most in your life and that's what matters most to me. My family, my cat, my life, their lives... it all matters to me.

Love,
Leah

Daddy, I miss you

I miss you Daddy... 

I swear, not a day goes by that I don't think of you....

I wish you could come home again...

I love you...

Love, your baby girl.

Baby fever

I have big news... well the news that will hopefully lead to big news soon. Steve and I had a real talk last night, about babies and our future. We were trying to think of a time where getting pregnant would be optimal but we both disagreed that certain times would be best, and then we just decided we'll leave it to God. So we are officially not preventing pregnancy at all. And I'm excited.

Last night, we had our first round of completely unprotected sex. I have two pregnancy tests in my bathroom cabinet waiting for a late-period and waiting for us to announce our first baby together... He's not Lily or Jax's biological father but he is a great father to them. And he and I are both ready to have a baby together. A little Ramsbottom. We have already come up with names::: For a boy: Hunter Timothy Edward. For a girl: Willow Brooke Lee. Either way, our little one will be a wonderful addition to our family. Even the kids gave their approval to having a little brother or sister.

Jax especially loves babies. He is always playing with other people's little babies, trying to make them laugh, giving them back their toys, offering his own. He's got the instincts already of a big brother.

Lily on the other hand, only wants a little sister. She's decided one brother is more than enough and would like Mommy and Daddy to have a girl. But both are excited at the possibility of a baby in the house. Lily even said "I help you, Mommy" when I asked her how she felt about a baby joining our family.

I can't wait for this pregnancy though. I love my two children but I wasn't ready for a baby and both were surprises to me, completely unplanned. I was thrilled, of course, to have my little girl and little boy. I love being a mother so much. I'm just excited to be ready, to plan a baby, to have the resources to have a good life, that my children are old enough to welcome a little brother or sister into this world and understand what is going on. Lily wasn't old enough to understand that Mommy was pregnant when her little brother showed up, so this time, it'll be this amazing adventure with all of us.

Plus Steve will be home for the pregnancy and for most of the first year, even if he deploys, if I get pregnant by fall. This makes me so happy. The idea of having him home, the idea of having his baby and having our little family grow even bigger just makes me thrilled. I couldn't possibly be happier.

Anyways, that's all I have to say for now. I'll keep you posted :)

Love,
Leah

truth comes in peaceful moments

Sometimes, truth comes in peaceful moments. Sometimes clarity comes in all the chaos of the universe, like the eye of a storm or the calm ocean before a hurricane.  Sometimes, all you have to do is look up at the night sky and see the moon glowing and reflecting light of the clouds to see the beauty in everything. I close my eyes and think of all the yesterdays in my life. I think about the happy memories I have had and the sad memories that still hold a slight glimpse of happiness and those memories that I can't figure out how to feel because they are tainted now by things that happened later. 

I remember my father as my hero but sometimes I'm angry with him for things he did while he was alive. Secrets he never shared, that he couldn't share. Things he said that he shouldn't have said. But I've come to the realization that I will never be able to confront him and make him say he was sorry and that he was wrong, so instead, I have to find that part of me that is willing to forgive his wrongs and see what he did for me instead. And most of the time, I succeed, but other times, I still feel that anger mixed with sadness. That feeling when Daddy's little girl realizes her Daddy isn't a superhero... that he's just a man. I didn't realize that until it was too late to have that talk with him. The one that bares all to honest scrutiny. The talk that says "Look at me and see what your lessons taught me, look at me and see what you did right... look at me and see what you did wrong." That talk will never happen and it saddens me but at the same time, I know he would be sorry and ask for me to forgive him and I know that if I could just have one more hug, I would. 

The same cannot be said about my exes, who all cheated on me and caused me to distrust men so much. I had one cheat on me with multiple women, another use an online dating site while we lived together. One who slept with a good friend of mine and others who shattered my trust. I remember things that I recall as happy moments but the love I felt is now destroyed for them, that I get angry that I share those memories with them, that moments of my life are tainted with their faces and their would-be love. It causes me to distrust my life sometimes, even to distrust my husband, who has never earned a single bit of that feeling but deals with it because he loves me.

My husband is the only man I've ever known who hasn't betrayed me in any way. He loves me, for better and for worse. Over the past few days, I've had time to think and to contemplate things. I've had time to wonder if he would ever hurt me or neglect me because I am "not good enough" as I've heard so often before. But because of what I've been going through, with a major dental surgery that left my face swollen and bruised and me hiding in bed away from the world and seeing how much he loves me, what he'll do for me, I know I have no reason to worry. He has taken me from this place where my confidence was nearly shattered and brought me to a place where it gets shaken but never breaks. He comforts me, spoils me, amazes me, with everything he does. I love him with every fiber of my being, even when I don't show it. 

When I met him, I wasn't sure I would love him. I liked him, a lot. But I had just had a major heartbreak and wasn't ready to commit myself to him. Well two years later, we are together, in love and married. He took my children into his heart as if they were always his and drives them to dance class and soccer practice, fixes them breakfast so I can sleep in a little longer. He brings me flowers and tells me he loves me as often as possible. We rarely leave the room or hang up the phone without saying it. There is never a time he leaves the house without giving me a kiss. Some mornings he comes into our room and cuddles after PT until he has to leave for work. Some nights, he puts off homework so we can cuddle and watch a movie or a show together. He does the dishes for me and helps me with the cleaning. He encourages me to feel whatever I'm feeling, trusts me to be honest with him as I trust him for the same. We rarely fight (we've only had one "big" one and it ended quickly with both of us apologizing for our behavior). We know how each other tick and we know how each other reacts and what we really mean when we say something. We know each other's flaws and we never hold them against each other. We each have annoying habits and we deal with them honestly and come to agreements about certain ones and let the others slide. We talk about our finances together, he has an account on his own, I have an account of my own and we share an account, so we each have money to spend separately and money we spend together as a family. We support each other in everything. In all of my life, I've never had a "we" quite like us. 

Today is another day of our love growing, expanding. He shows me with every small act that he loves me and I show him that I love him with every act. Today, he had to work and since I have a swollen face and a black eye, I'm refusing to leave my house until my face is back to normal, he came home to bring me a milkshake and to take our daughter (because she really is OURS, not my ex who gave dna but Steve's and mine because we love her and our son with every action and every daily chore that revolves around them) to her dance class. I gave him my debit card from my account to pull out money for an order I placed by mistake to his card and to pick up pizza for him and the kids (I can't eat anything solid yet). And he came home with pizza and change. He told me about Lily's dance class and what he did while she was at it. I don't think we even have secrets from each other in any way. I hear about his day at work (whether I want to or not, haha) and he hears about mine at home with the kids (whether he wants to or not, haha). When I go out, I tell him what I did, with or without friends and he does the same. Tonight, he's watching an 80s movie called "Escape from NY" and explained it to me, even though I didn't care, I listened and told him it sounded bizarre. He asked me how my show was and I told him and I know he didn't care but we talk, we communicate on big issues and small ones. And today, well, today was just another example of how well we work together. 

I think, somehow, all the shitty stuff that happened in my life lead me to him. All the mistakes I made, choices I made, good and bad, all of that lead to him. He is better than I ever dreamed. And I'm so proud of him. So damn proud to be his wife and his soul mate and his best friend. 

The other day I got mad at his family for not seeing him the way I do. For not seeing this amazing man, with a Masters degree nearly finished (May 12th!!!!) and a great career as an Army Captain, with a Bronze star under his belt already. A man who has amazing values and strength and enough compassion to be a great leader for his soldiers that he'll have in less than 2 years. A man who puts our family first, above all else. A man who would do anything in the world to keep us all happy. A man whose convictions are strong enough that he can say no to my impulsiveness (when it's wrong to be impulsive) and a man who is strong enough to take on a pre-made family without questioning it. A man who wants to build our family, who wants to provide us with an amazing life... A man who is so utterly perfect that his flaws and annoying traits are so insignificant. I guess I'm just so proud and in love that it hurt me when he told me that none of his family knew how close he was to graduating with his masters, how none of them remembered how he received his Bronze Star... I think it bothered me more than my family somewhat ignoring me. After all, he grew up with his and they know less about him (but think they know everything there is to know) than my family knows about me. And that's just sad to me. 

Sometimes, truth comes in peaceful moments. Sometimes, clarity comes within the chaos. And sometimes, all you have to do is open your heart to it. 

I know I rambled alot here, and for that I'm sorry, but this was what has been on my mind today and I just had to get it out... 

Oh and one more thing, my homestate of New Jersey are total morons for even suggesting they lower the flag to half-mast for an alcoholic junkie. She doesn't deserve that. Only our REAL heroes deserve that kind of respect 

God Bless the Troops, Firefighters, Police Officers and EMTs that die in the line of duty. 

Love,

For now & Forever,

Leah

Daddy, I miss you

Daddy,

I miss you. So much. And I wonder what you would say to me. I'm getting married on Friday, which is just three days from now, really... and without you, I only have your flag to hold and a picture of you to look at... it's not the same... I can't hear your voice in my head anymore, I can't hear what you would say to me. It breaks my heart that I won't get one of your speeches, especially the one day I want it the most... I love you and I need you, but you're not here anymore. All I have is that flag and picture... all I have is memories... Why didn't you tell me the things I wonder about? Why didn't you answer the million questions I have for you when you could? I need those answers and there is no one to ask. You are gone and I can't help but wonder. I cried tonight, thinking about the wedding day, without you to give me away, without you to tell me whatever you are supposed to tell me... Without a picture of us together, all I have is your flag... I will take it with me that day, I will have you next to my heart with your coin and the only way you will walk me down the aisle is because of my tattoo in honor of you. It hurts that I can't have you there... but I know you will be there in spirit. I know you will be in my heart and watching over me. I love you, Daddy. And I miss you. With all my heart....

Always,
your daughter,
Leah

Father's Day 2011

Of course I am missing my first Hero today.

I'm just like my Father. Strong, stubborn, determined, loyal, impatient, loving, kind, ruthless when wronged, and a big believer in what the Military does. You see, just like my father, I am Military to the bone. It's in our DNA. We bleed red, cry tears of blue and dream in bright white.

♥ your strength is the power that carried me through Your kindness for weakness I never mistook I worried you often, yet you understood that life is so fleeting, these troubles won't last forever inspired me truly you did from the start to not be afraid and to follow my heart there's a piece of you with me they can't tear apart

Daddy, I love you. I miss you and I think about you every single day...

Vultures circling

Shadows of thoughts are haunting me, teasing me with their whispers that I can’t quite make out. Yet I know they are there. I hear them inside my mind as I see their memories, glimpses and clips of what once was. The thoughts circling my mind like vultures in the sky, I know they will attack at any moment and force my sanity to run for cover, or what’s left of it, at least. All around me are weeds of bitter memories threatening to overtake the softer, more vulnerable parts of me,  the blossoms of hope where around it is desolation and loneliness.  

I was prepared for this life, you know. The constant moving and new people, rules and regulations, conformity among uniforms. I was a daughter, born and raised within the Military. A part of me always knew that I’d marry a Serviceman (and although my father was air force, I’d always been partial to Marines) but after a failed relationship with a Soldier and the loss of the only Marine I’d ever been able to love, I had given up that dream. I still expected my father to walk me down the aisle one day, but that day would never come.

On October 27^th, 2009, I had my entire life changed. That was the day my father, TSgt Charles T. Gose, died. Not even two years ago and every day I miss him. Every day I look at his flag that I received on my twenty-second birthday in Honor of his unfailing service. He was supposed to retire the next month. I remember when I got the news. I was so incredibly unprepared for it. I thought I died. In my heart, I suppose I did, at least for a while. I slept all day, not even caring about myself, only getting up to make meals and fix snacks and change diapers. I didn’t clean, I didn’t brush my hair and I didn’t eat for nearly a week.

At first, it was this cold, blinding pain. When a daughter loses her father, especially one who was always proud of him, who was planning his retirement surprise, who loved him beyond any other human (besides her own children), she doesn’t see it coming. The shock of it was the hard part. It came so close to my birthday (I was to turn twenty-two in just five days).  When the funeral was scheduled for my birthday, I didn’t even care. I’d lost the best man in my life, my Daddy, my one constant hero, no matter what. I know he loved me unconditionally and I lost so much of myself when I lost him.

 For six months I was so lost. I finally managed to make it back to my feet and back to being a mother, but at the time I was in an unhealthy relationship and that ended on March 1, 2010. When we ended, I was broken. I had lost my father and I’d lost the only man I relied on since and it hurt. But with encouragement from my friend, Kelsy, I started going on dates (nothing serious, just a few dates that led nowhere) and at the same time, I’d registered for a pen pal program with Military. Through that, I met my friend, Eric and my love, Steve. (I recently introduced Eric to my friend Megan and I see amazing things in their future).

 Steve was amazing, funny and smart; compassionate and caring; kind and generous; understanding and romantic. I really liked him from the start. He made me laugh and listened to me cry on days where I was upset and did his best to make me smile. In July, we met face-to-face and spent an incredible few days together, but he left and we made no promises except to write letters and consider each other.

He never stopped trying though. He sent flowers, a beautiful bouquet of white lilies, while I was preparing for my move back to the states. He wrote me letters and I wrote him back. He called me every week and we talked as much as possible, considering where he was. I told him that I would wait for him and that I had been without the promise and he was so happy.

In January, after Lily’s fourth birthday, we had R&R, which was absolutely amazing. We decided then that I would move to Louisiana and be settled for when he came home, despite his previous feelings of not wanting to live with a woman he wasn’t married to. (Which leaves me wondering…  when… if?) When he drove back to the airport (he rented a car) and we said our goodbyes, we were both in tears. I couldn’t fight them off. I’d finally told him I loved him during our time together. And it hurt so much to let him go that I held on to him for over  an hour. It broke my heart to know he was just not there beside me anymore. I went back inside and I cried until a friend stopped by.

In March, I moved to Louisiana and it took a long time to get my furniture and with two kids 4 and under, it was the toughest move of my life. All alone and nothing in my house to keep them busy. A month later, my stuff finally arrived and April was a month of insanity to me, missing him, trying to get a life started here, picking up a creepy stalker instead. I spent my time alone, doing schoolwork and playing with my kids, mostly instead.  I also got attacked by some crazy bitch in April.

May brought Steve’s promotion and news of Osama Bin Laden’s death on the same day. I planned a playdate (which I will do again as soon as I feel better) and overall things improved a little. Except that I started feeling rundown.

Now it’s June and I really still feel sad. Memorial day weekend brought my Father’s death back into focus and I spent the whole weekend crying randomly.  My son turns three on Tuesday which is also bizarre to me. 

Next month is my first 4^th of July in the states since 2004. And it feels sad to think that I’m celebrating it with no one. My father is gone and my mother… well, needless to say the day my father died, she did to. (deep thoughts). My brothers and friends are scattered across this world with the Military and Steve is deployed.  I do have my children who will happily celebrate a holiday they get their face-painted and balloons from. Plus the fireworks should be visible from the house (or so Steve says). Other things are happening next month, including me going insane preparing for his homecoming. I wish he was here already so I didn’t have all that time to think and over-analyze and worry and fear. 

So soon the Knight in his dirtied camo armor will return to his redneck duchess in faded denim and flannel. He’ll come back from war, alive and safe, unharmed, to a household full of people who love him. The young princess sleeps with the picture of her Knight and her brother and the young prince is ready to give up his role as man-of-the-house to him. Their mother, his love, waits and every night sleeps alone, until he comes back home, back to her arms. She will finally feel safe and loved again soon, when his arms are folded around her and she hears his heart beat. Soon the Knight will return from war to a family awaiting him.

And I’m scared, because I've been through so much pain already and I finally found the one man who accepted all my flaws and faults, helped encourage me to gain my confidence, allowed me time to heal and come to grips on what happened before him. And now, my worst fear is that he won’t love me anymore….

The vultures come full circle, snacking on these feelings like field mice. I sit quietly here, alone, with these thoughts and so many more left unsaid, in the safety of the darkness the words hide from that which would destroy the remnants of my sanity.

I wear love

So I have three bracelets I wear every day. I wear this charm bracelet my brother Jimmy got me, it's fake but he bought it for me when he was training with the British Special Forces. I wear a parachord bracelet that my brother Phil made me on his last deployment and this rubber bracelet from the 60th Anniversary of the town my daughter was born (where she was also the new years baby)...

Around my neck, I always wear the cross my Soldier bought me when he was home on R&R. It's an infinity cross, beautiful and white gold, which I prefer. I do have a cross I wear on special occasions though. It's a cross my Daddy brought be back from his deployment training in Italy. He bought a cross and went to Rome and had it blessed by two Cardinals. I am Catholic and my father is not, so having him do something so incredibly touching to honor my faith (when I confirmed) was beautiful, especially since he so rarely was home to be part of the ceremonies like that.Also around my neck are my Soldier's dogtags.

I also wear two rings. My promise ring, of course. And a ring that my best friend my whole life gave me eight years ago. He was a Marine and he died in the most honorable way. He died for us. I knew him from the time we were seven until his death. We hung out every summer, our families went camping together, our Dads were friends. I wear the ring on my right hand, middle finger. It's got a sapphire. It was my 18th birthday present, given a few months early, because he was being deployed. It's nothing fancy or really that beautiful. I remember at the time, I didn't wear it often. Then he died and it's context changed.

I carry my life with me. From my jewelry to what is in my purse. Inside my wallet are six pictures. Four of my kids, one of my father and then one of my brother, RJ. I also carry a guitar pick my brother Charlie gave me and a scarab my brother Brandon brought back from overseas. I try to carry something of theirs with me.

A psychologist might have their reasons, with clinical terms and all, but my reasons are simple as can be. I carry all this on me, with me, because I can't go home. My home is with me, wherever I am. I wear these things, these really inexpensive (for the most part) symbols of love. Of familial love, the love a brother has for a sister to pick her up something small from an airport just to show he'd been thinking about her, the love from a man to his 'girl' wanting her to wear his dogtags. It's love that I wear. That I carry. I carry these things and if a single one were to be lost, I'd be devastated not because of any worth, but because of what it means to me

June 24th, 2010

Today, I miss my Dad. I look at his flag and I wish it was him instead. Days like these, when I realize just how long it's been I get sad.





I remember before the war. I remember before the fighting started, before I started losing people I knew. I was 11 when 9-11 happened. My dad was in Special Ops. My life was forever changed...



I almost wish I didn't remember the peace. I have spent so long worried and waiting for news from far away. I have witnessed the injured coming home and buried the dead with a heavy heart. I have always known the sacrifice and the cost that had to be paid so we could be as safe as possible. And now, almost 9 years later, I'm still waiting for them to come home. Still waiting for the time when I can go to sleep and not send a little prayer to the heavens to watch out for all those that are there, all those that serve. I am still waiting for the peace of mind I haven't had since I was a little girl.



Nine long years. I still remember being Interviewed by the callous reporters at the front gates of base. Asking me how I felt, how the war affected me, what my views are. How they could ask a young girl of only 13 those questions, when her father was somewhere classified, gone for however long he was gone, always wondering when he'd be home. I hated the news then and I still do. It causes me such pain to watch the names and faces appear on my tv screen. The ones that will never come home, the ones I knew, the ones I didn't.

It doesn't help having the memories or experiences I have, nor does it help to know that so many friends I knew are gone and there are still more that serve, more joining daily. I write letters to them, I pray for them, I miss them. I hope tomorrow feels better but today I'm sad and missing the peace that I used to have. The kind of peace that existed before these wars. The kind of peace that, for me, only existed briefly. Two years between the abuse of one life and the wars of another. Two years where I was a child... Today, I miss that peace, the kind of comfort I had.

 

Today, most of all, I miss my dad. I look at his flag, place my hand upon the stiching of a star, trace the outline, line up his rack, even though it never moves, delicately touch his rank and the airforce seal. I stare at his name and think of his face, his smile, him in uniform, him in his Blues... All those memories bring tears to my eyes and I lean it, kiss the flag that was given to me to honour his service, and lay my cheek against the firmly folded fabric and a tear rolls from my eyes. I miss him so very much and long for his hug, when I laid my head on his chest and his big, strong arms would wrap around me. I miss his hugs and the flag just doesn't hug me back. My tears fall into it. I'm not crying for him, I know he's in Heaven. I'm crying for me. For the hole he left behind.

 

I miss the peace, the kind I had before the war. At Ruby Tuesdays, with my Dad and my Mom and everything was fine and safe.

Dear Daddy,

Dear Daddy,

           It's been too long since you've been gone and yet, not very long at all. The sky is blue and righteous in all directions. The day is the perfect day outside. In my mind, I see you standing there, uniform and all, home from a deployment, but this is the longest of all. I know you won't come home this time, I mean you've been gone this long before, but never once was so unending. I really miss you so much, and I can't stop thinking about you. Remember singing "American Soldier?" You held Mom's hand and sang and I remember thinking about that song... "I counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice" Did you know? Did I know? I know now, much more than I knew before. The pressure you were always under, you're ability to carry on.          

          You are my Daddy, my own Hero. I'm so proud to be your daughter, so proud to have your flag. But sometimes I really miss you, like today and yesterday and all the days before. Lately, I don't care about much beyond getting back to a place where men like you are. I support my friends that serve, texting and calling and being their confessor when they need. You taught me more than I can ever fully thank you for. You taught me compassion and empathy, love and hope. You always believed in me and now, I'm taking that to heart, Daddy.

          I am trying really hard to move back. I fill out paperwork and make phone calls and worry that it will take too long. I just don't want to be here anymore. This place is getting old and quite honestly, I don't think anything beyond the beauty could hold me here. I am desperate to get out of this place, even more desperate to get back to where the values you taught me lie.

           I miss you Daddy. I love you always. Just another letter, in memory of you

This couldn't be real

my father is dead. TSgt Charles Timothy Gose died October 27th, 2009 and he's gone forever :'( My heart is shattered.... Who cares about anything else. His funeral is set for my birthday. Who cares? I lost my Hero.

I love you Daddy... <3