I can't even title this.

Let me just start this blog with the fact that I may be changing up my blogging style soon. I am not really sure actually, I know that I've been blogging for what seems like the majority of my life (well, since Xanga and we all know how long ago that was, ummm 9th grade?! So 2001-2, so about 10 years.) and I feel like I've always been lacking something. Well today, I have thought about it and I'm going to be creating a new blog, importing all my old blog entries and starting over with the design and all that because... well I want to.

Anyways, maybe part of this happened because of Jenny Lawson. You don't know who Jenny Lawson is???  She is, without a doubt, my new hero. Steve says that I'm obsessed but since I don't know her personally, I'll just have to go with very, very interested in her work, not her. I don't know her, so I'm not a psycho-stalker. You have to know someone in person to be a psycho-stalker. But I digress. What is important is why Jenny Lawson has become a common name my wonderfully accepting husband can recognize.

I just bought "Let's Pretend This Never Happened" by Jenny Lawson. She is the author of that wonderfully funny and weirdly cute blog called the Bloggess. Well, I've only managed to get through the first three chapters so far, because I started reading it outloud to my husband. And now it's become a bonding experience. Kind of like "Look at how fucked up this woman lived and see, I'm not so weird now because there's someone else who thinks the Zombie Apocolypse is no laughing matter. Well, he finds it more off-the-wall funny than relatable like I do, but either way, me reading to him like he was a blind, old man in a retirement home is actually a very beautiful bonding moment. Anyways, the book. I love it. I think it's actually seeping into my head and making me think that my every thought is worth sharing. Like, this morning I tried to pinch my husband's nipple and I did but I pulled and he swore that I would pull it off but I told him they sell replacements online, and the Army doesn't care if he's one nipple short anyways, but again, I digress. Read "Let's Pretend This Never Happened," By Jenny Lawson aka the Bloggess. Super funny and totally going to offend. :)

Anyways, I have become completely obsessed with sharing my every thought with my husband who I'm thinking is now afraid to be alone with me, judging by the fact that while I'm upstairs blogging, he's down in the garage, gaming on his laptop, hiding from me. Not that this is new, actually, it's not new at all. He's always down there when he has time off work, unless I ask him to hang out with me. But still, I think now he's truly worried about my sanity or his safety or perhaps both. I can't be sure.

Also today, I made a discovery: Apparently, my dog likes candy. But not just the candy, the wrappers too. I found this out by discovering a pile of poop with candy wrappers inside of the poop. I'm a little jealous. I can't process wrappers quite so well. I'm not even upset by him stealing my pez or my chocolate. At first I was worried that the chocolate would kill him but then he took a big dump in the side yard, so I knew he'd be fine. I am jealous that while he can have all this candy and the wrappers too, he doesn't seem to gain weight or have a problem with choking or digesting said wrappers. Unfair if you ask me. I know you didn't, that's why I'm sharing!!!


I'm also doing laundry today, because that's what Moms are for, although I think it is kind of pointless. I mean, not the washing or drying of the laundry, that has a point. It becomes clean and wearable again without getting weird looks in public or having people whisper behind your back about how you smell funny or having Child Welfare called on you because your kids are in clothes that have never be washed. Always wash your clothes. That's important. It's the other thing that's pointless.I hate putting away laundry. I know we're all going to wear it again so it seems a waste to fold it and put it away. Especially since I'll pull out half of everything I own in a day to find something to wear and then just leave it there until it gets washed again or I find something I want to wear a few days from the first day I pull it out. And my kids always end up pulling most everything they own out while showing me what they want to wear, which makes me crazy because then I either have to put it away again, or just pretend it got worn and throw it in a laundry basket. I will not admit to what I actually do. 


Anyways, I'm folding laundry and every member of my household has more underwear in this load than I do. Which means, my family wears underwear every day. But I'm curious about other people. I'm curious whether other people wear underwear. I do and I don't. It depends on what I'm wearing. If I wear a skirt or dress, yes, I do. But if I put on a pair of jeans, I don't. I think this is economical. Like you save money washing underwear and also, this means you need less pairs between laundry days. Also, I don't like panty-lines. But it's ok sometimes, like if I'm wearing short-shorts, then I like to say "yes, my jean shorts look like boys underwear but really, I am wearing a real pair underneath." So, this leaves me curious of whether other people wear underwear. And I don't know why this is what I'm curious about today. I guess I just don't care enough to know who you will vote for or if you are eating healthy or if that one little kid your friend knows finally got that marble unstuck from his nose. No, my concern is your underwear wearing cycles.


But that's all I have to say for now....




Oh wait, it's not. I have something else. 


I bought the world's best 99 cent kindle book:::::::


"Bedtime Stories for Children You Hate"... I might cry from being so excited to read these to my husband as we go to sleep... I may also read these to my kids when they are bad or make me crazy... (Ok, mostly kidding about reading them to my children, I hate when they have nightmares. I have to get up and make them feel better and then I'm just sooo tired the next day so I better skip reading these to them and just focus on giving my husband nightmares. He can comfort himself, or if not, at least I don't have to get up.)


Ok, that's it. This is what makes me happy and I'm going to work on the new blog design and post the link sometime soon... When I get to it. I've been busy. Life is a busy busy thing. Also I hope that none of my husband's future commanders read my blog, otherwise, I think the might be concerned that my husband is living with a lunatic. I'm not crazy. As Sheldon says, My mother had me tested. 

Ash Wednesday and life

I finally managed a good night's sleep last night. I was so glad to sleep that I actually woke up early. My husband had staff-duty last night and I haven't seen him since he had a meeting with Transportation this morning about the PCS move soon. The kids are loud and driving me crazy, laundry is in the washer and dryer, a dent in the backlog I have since my Washer was broken until yesterday (turns out it was a sock stuck in between the actual washer part and the motor, which ended up costing $200 to have them take it apart and remove the sock and put back, outrageous) and it's Ash Wednesday. The time I think about my life, what needs to go, what I have to sacrifice and what will make us, as a family, happier and me, as a woman, more fulfilled. I've decided to give up Cheesecake for lent and to start listing the five things that made me happy throughout the day, every night before I go to sleep. Also, no meat on Fridays, of course and no soda on Sundays. Even though it doesn't sound like much, for me, it will be challenging.

This morning, in addition to doing laundry, I'm catching up on my DV-R, or would, if my Satellite dish was properly placed after redoing the roof. I'll have to have my husband fix it tonight after work. Nothing is recording and I certainly don't want to miss watching my shows for the rest of the week. But I just watched House, one of my all time favorite shows and Monday's episode has left me wondering even what I'm wondering. It was so different for some reason that I can't name and I don't really have an answer for what I'm really thinking.

So the day is full of doing laundry, trying to get the swing of things back before my next surgery (March 5th) in hopes that I can do everything I need to do in the next two weeks because I'll be out of it for another week or so, perhaps longer. It's so stressful, trying to get things done when you aren't absolutely sure what is going to happen. All I do know, is that I'm stressed out. And I haven't really been able to have any time with my husband in the past week and a half. Something I'm hoping to change ASAP.

Anyways, it'll be another long day full of house-wife things to do. But such is life.

Love,
Leah

Thoughts on past and present love

I am so glad I knew him. Even though, he and I are no longer even friends, I am glad he was in my life for as long as he was. I did love him for who he was but we were never meant to be and one day, I just woke up to the reality and ended our relationship which had lasted for over 18 months. There are good memories that make me tear up to remember but there are countless others that make me feel more grateful to have Steve in my life. I don't like having regrets and although I have more than I'd like, the path of my life is what it was meant to be, I made choices, good or bad and the results and consequences are mine to deal with. I realize sometimes I carry a burden inside that no one ever knows because I can't trust anyone with that shameful part of me that feels like I fail at my ambition to be who I want to be. I spend my life trying to live up to my own expectations and even greater, but like all people, I fail myself daily to do the work, to put in the effort, to hang on and stay strong. I find myself lacking and I realize that I am okay with that because I am human. I am a woman who is capable of many things and do many things, not only for myself, but for those I love, my friends who are family and my family who are friends. 

He was an important part of my life though, for three years we were just friends. We had movie nights with other friends, we played poker and monopoly, we bullshited and joked and had adventures as only friends. And then one day it changed from that. I don't regret it, really because I was able to have another adventure, another chapter in my life. I have memories I wouldn't trade, even though sometimes, the pain I feel of knowing I lost a friend at the end probably will last a lifetime. I value my friendships with my exes. I have several good friends, whom I dated once upon a time. 

Would I trade Steve for my friendship? Never in all the years of the universe. He is my love. Today we were talking and he told me that he planned to be with me forever. I cried because it was the first time he actually said forever and it was the first time anyone has said that to me. I feel so loved and blessed. I am lucky, and I know you can't have it both ways sometimes, but those times there is a tinge of sadness in the happiness that I feel.

Fear.

I'm scared.  Since finding out that my rundown feeling was more than just being rundown, I was wondering if any of you have gotten sick without your man (and I mean more than a flu or something) and how did you handle it? Because if I am truly honest, I'm scared to death somethings going to happen to me. And I don't know what would happen to my kids or anything. 

I'm only 23, almost 24. I'm young and I'm scared this time. I've almost died before, but i wasn't a mother then. It scares me so much that they would be alone. Their biological father has not seen them since summer of 09. That's almost two years. Two years august. He's spent less than 5 months with my son and 22 months with my daughter, where he was barely around, because hanging with the boys was too much fun. He barely makes payments and doesn't have a job. It's a miracle I've managed to raise these kids on my own half the time. 

And then I met Steve and my whole world changed. He is the kindest and smartest and funniest and most understanding man I've ever known. He cares for my children but he's not their father and I don't know how that would work for them... 

It's so hard for me somtimes because I can't have anything happen to me. I have to be here. And then I thought, what would being sick do to Steve, who is deployed right now? What would I tell him? How would I tell him that we didn't get to have happily-ever-after and not because of an act of war but because my own body betrayed me? 

I'm sitting here, crying, feeling so alone. Because the idea of losing him and losing my kids is hard enough, but the idea of me not being there is absolutely devastating. How could I handle that? How could I leave my babies without a mother, alone in the big bad world? We don't really have anyone who could take care of them. It's been forcing me to think about a will. I don't have one, but I do have a living will. Which basically says if I'm on life support, take me off it if I am confirmed brain dead and donate what organs you have except my heart. I want my heart cremated. I know that seems weird but I want my heart scattered amongs the most beautiful garden I've ever seen, in Germany. It was where I really started becoming the person I am. 

I'd just arrived in Germany in 04. I was feeling really alone and lonely and my mother was sick and my Dad was in the Spec Ops and he just wasn't home and when he was, he was drunk. So my first month there, I take the train and two buses to get there. And as I'm walking around these gardens surrounding an old crumbling castle, I pictured the old world, the homeland, the royals and nobles that walked around there. I imagined the men and women that fought there. That spent their lives there without what we have today. I imagined the simplicity and the values. 

I imagined the girl who waited for her Soldier, just a regular footman, living in the village below and looking up at those gardens drinking in their comfort. I imagined a life that came before. And as I walked those gardens, imagining these scenes, I realized that the path I was on, the one that was leading me straight to hell, well it couldn’t continue. I mean it’s okay to be rebellious, it’s in my very nature to rebel or challenge the “rules and standards” where I see unfairness and treachery. 

And now all I see is unfairness, if I am sick. I see my beautiful happy children lost and alone and without me. I see the love of my life alone with all of my things and I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. I was there once before, surrounded by my first love and best friend’s things after he died. I’m scared. I’m really scared. And I just want everything to be okay.  I wish Steve was here to tell me everything’s going to be ok. I am so alone.

Vultures circling

Shadows of thoughts are haunting me, teasing me with their whispers that I can’t quite make out. Yet I know they are there. I hear them inside my mind as I see their memories, glimpses and clips of what once was. The thoughts circling my mind like vultures in the sky, I know they will attack at any moment and force my sanity to run for cover, or what’s left of it, at least. All around me are weeds of bitter memories threatening to overtake the softer, more vulnerable parts of me,  the blossoms of hope where around it is desolation and loneliness.  

I was prepared for this life, you know. The constant moving and new people, rules and regulations, conformity among uniforms. I was a daughter, born and raised within the Military. A part of me always knew that I’d marry a Serviceman (and although my father was air force, I’d always been partial to Marines) but after a failed relationship with a Soldier and the loss of the only Marine I’d ever been able to love, I had given up that dream. I still expected my father to walk me down the aisle one day, but that day would never come.

On October 27^th, 2009, I had my entire life changed. That was the day my father, TSgt Charles T. Gose, died. Not even two years ago and every day I miss him. Every day I look at his flag that I received on my twenty-second birthday in Honor of his unfailing service. He was supposed to retire the next month. I remember when I got the news. I was so incredibly unprepared for it. I thought I died. In my heart, I suppose I did, at least for a while. I slept all day, not even caring about myself, only getting up to make meals and fix snacks and change diapers. I didn’t clean, I didn’t brush my hair and I didn’t eat for nearly a week.

At first, it was this cold, blinding pain. When a daughter loses her father, especially one who was always proud of him, who was planning his retirement surprise, who loved him beyond any other human (besides her own children), she doesn’t see it coming. The shock of it was the hard part. It came so close to my birthday (I was to turn twenty-two in just five days).  When the funeral was scheduled for my birthday, I didn’t even care. I’d lost the best man in my life, my Daddy, my one constant hero, no matter what. I know he loved me unconditionally and I lost so much of myself when I lost him.

 For six months I was so lost. I finally managed to make it back to my feet and back to being a mother, but at the time I was in an unhealthy relationship and that ended on March 1, 2010. When we ended, I was broken. I had lost my father and I’d lost the only man I relied on since and it hurt. But with encouragement from my friend, Kelsy, I started going on dates (nothing serious, just a few dates that led nowhere) and at the same time, I’d registered for a pen pal program with Military. Through that, I met my friend, Eric and my love, Steve. (I recently introduced Eric to my friend Megan and I see amazing things in their future).

 Steve was amazing, funny and smart; compassionate and caring; kind and generous; understanding and romantic. I really liked him from the start. He made me laugh and listened to me cry on days where I was upset and did his best to make me smile. In July, we met face-to-face and spent an incredible few days together, but he left and we made no promises except to write letters and consider each other.

He never stopped trying though. He sent flowers, a beautiful bouquet of white lilies, while I was preparing for my move back to the states. He wrote me letters and I wrote him back. He called me every week and we talked as much as possible, considering where he was. I told him that I would wait for him and that I had been without the promise and he was so happy.

In January, after Lily’s fourth birthday, we had R&R, which was absolutely amazing. We decided then that I would move to Louisiana and be settled for when he came home, despite his previous feelings of not wanting to live with a woman he wasn’t married to. (Which leaves me wondering…  when… if?) When he drove back to the airport (he rented a car) and we said our goodbyes, we were both in tears. I couldn’t fight them off. I’d finally told him I loved him during our time together. And it hurt so much to let him go that I held on to him for over  an hour. It broke my heart to know he was just not there beside me anymore. I went back inside and I cried until a friend stopped by.

In March, I moved to Louisiana and it took a long time to get my furniture and with two kids 4 and under, it was the toughest move of my life. All alone and nothing in my house to keep them busy. A month later, my stuff finally arrived and April was a month of insanity to me, missing him, trying to get a life started here, picking up a creepy stalker instead. I spent my time alone, doing schoolwork and playing with my kids, mostly instead.  I also got attacked by some crazy bitch in April.

May brought Steve’s promotion and news of Osama Bin Laden’s death on the same day. I planned a playdate (which I will do again as soon as I feel better) and overall things improved a little. Except that I started feeling rundown.

Now it’s June and I really still feel sad. Memorial day weekend brought my Father’s death back into focus and I spent the whole weekend crying randomly.  My son turns three on Tuesday which is also bizarre to me. 

Next month is my first 4^th of July in the states since 2004. And it feels sad to think that I’m celebrating it with no one. My father is gone and my mother… well, needless to say the day my father died, she did to. (deep thoughts). My brothers and friends are scattered across this world with the Military and Steve is deployed.  I do have my children who will happily celebrate a holiday they get their face-painted and balloons from. Plus the fireworks should be visible from the house (or so Steve says). Other things are happening next month, including me going insane preparing for his homecoming. I wish he was here already so I didn’t have all that time to think and over-analyze and worry and fear. 

So soon the Knight in his dirtied camo armor will return to his redneck duchess in faded denim and flannel. He’ll come back from war, alive and safe, unharmed, to a household full of people who love him. The young princess sleeps with the picture of her Knight and her brother and the young prince is ready to give up his role as man-of-the-house to him. Their mother, his love, waits and every night sleeps alone, until he comes back home, back to her arms. She will finally feel safe and loved again soon, when his arms are folded around her and she hears his heart beat. Soon the Knight will return from war to a family awaiting him.

And I’m scared, because I've been through so much pain already and I finally found the one man who accepted all my flaws and faults, helped encourage me to gain my confidence, allowed me time to heal and come to grips on what happened before him. And now, my worst fear is that he won’t love me anymore….

The vultures come full circle, snacking on these feelings like field mice. I sit quietly here, alone, with these thoughts and so many more left unsaid, in the safety of the darkness the words hide from that which would destroy the remnants of my sanity.

You are...

You are everything to me/ you are my only love.

I love you...

Tonight was ok. I've got a bit of a headache but other than that I'm feeling ok.

I miss you. I don't know if you know that by now, after 307 days... but you should.

You should also know that I love you. <3 

Dear Steve,

 Today we talked, about us. About what I was worried about and about what you had to say too. It was good. I fell in love with you nearly a year ago and I know that our future rests on your heart and your mind, because I know where I stand. You are the man I want to spend forever with. I'll never change my mind there. I have always been my worst enemy but this deployment has taught me about myself in more ways than I thought. This deployment taught me that through sacrifice there is strength, and through strength there is hope. I realized that you are the only man who would do anything for me if it's possible, just to see me happy and healthy. I love the man you are, both in your own life and to me and I'm so thankful to be yours. Hopefully for always.

This deployment has been difficult at times. Moving and getting settled without you here has been so hard to do because it feels wrong, like we're missing something. And we are. We are missing you. I want to start our lives. I want the years of being your wife and mother to our kids to begin now. I want to watch you grow as a man and as an Army Officer. I want you to live your dreams and I want to support those dreams, the way you have supported me since we've been apart. I want to be the woman you deserve for the rest of our lives. I want to be your Nancy.

When I heard your voice today, I felt the fears run away from me for a moment. You are safe, you are alive, and you are thinking of me. I need you in my life, like I've never needed anyone before and I cannot wait to have you home, in my arms and sharing our lives. I love you. I love you. I love you. I could say it a million times more but what good would it do? I love you just the same, even if it's unexplainable to you as to the whys. There are too many reasons, it's overwhelming, remember that list I sent you? Keep that as a reference.

Anyways, the kids are playing and driving me crazy. I have to get organized and I will. I need to make a list of what I need to get done before you come home. I won't tell you all of it, but know that I plan to make it very special. It's a big deal, at least to me, if not to you, so please let me celebrate the returning of my Hero. Until then I hope you stay safe for me and remember the promise you made me... not to make me cry... (which btw, you broke today when you said all those sweet things.)

Come home soon, my sweet Soldier. Come home soon, my Amazing Captain.  Come home to me, Stephen. <3 I love you

me + you = we

I miss you more than anything. You should know that. You should know that you are my everything and that every single moment of every single day I worry that I'm not worth you. Captain and soon-to-be Master of Engineering... you are so incredible and so good. You love me, though I'm not sure I deserve it. I love you more than anything...

have a little faith

Can't sleep tonight. Not really sure why. I was cleaning my room and organizing stuff. I should really go to bed now. I miss him too much though. I keep thinking about how he'll be home soon and how much that scares me because I've never loved someone more than him. He's this wonderful, truly good man and I don't know how I somehow managed to "get" him. He loves me too, which is amazing... Just everything about our relationship has been amazing. He wants to grant my every wish and make every dream come true but all I really want is to have a good man love me, marry him and be the best wife and mother to our children. I'm dreaming of the day I say I do...

Riot won't leave me alone. She's the biggest suck of an animal. Bigger than Chias even though she's much smaller, which works to her advantage because she can sit on my arm as I type this and snuggle with my chin. I'm her mommy and she knows it.

Well like I said I should go to bed... <3 much love

June 1st, 2011

I’ve been alone for a while. Deployment kind of sucks major ass. I’ve been sad for a while and I’m not really even sure why. Steve has been deployed for exactly 305 days and will be deployed for a double-digit number more. It’s something I’m used to by now but I miss him every single moment of every single day. I’m trying to get used to living in his house without him and the idea of living with him here is giving me huge nerves. I’m excited and really really nervous. What if he doesn’t want to live with me? What if he doesn’t want to love me anymore? I worry because he’s all that I love and want in the world. I never want to live without him. I want to marry him and I want to have his babies and I want to spend the rest of my life as his wife. But lately, I’m afraid he just won’t want that too. I look at his pictures (they are everywhere in the house) and I love him even more when lines from his letters enter my mind or a song reminds me of how I feel. 

And I’m just sad. I have a good life right now, but it could be better and will be better when Steve comes home. I have a cute kitten who loves me beyond everything, two beautiful kids that drive me crazy but are smart and happy and will hopefully have a better life than me. I want to give them the world and I don’t know how to do that. Right now, I’ve been struggling. I think I need to see a psychiatrist but I really don’t want to. I’d rather talk to an Army Chaplain but I’m not sure how that works. I realize I’m the daughter of a Hero and that helps, but I’m also “just a girlfriend” and it’s really odd for me. I hate how I am not at home yet. I hate that I still feel pretty alone. I’m trying to convince my best friends to come see me. I’m lonely and the phone makes me feel lonelier. Texts are just disappointing and phone calls are rarely a joy anymore (only his). I miss my homestate, I miss Germany, I miss Vancouver and I miss my friends. 

I miss my friends in Jersey because back then, despite how fast we grew up, we still had this core group that hung out and talked and I remember one day in Marmaluk’s classroom, I had bruises on my arms and Dustin exposed them. Different kids were suddenly telling me their stories. Drunk parents, dead-beats, drugs, alcohol, the same different story over and over. And it was the first time I’d ever been accepted for the darkness in my writing. In Jersey, I had guys that would have done anything to protect me. Once a girl made me cry and Dustin made her cry back. I got stalked and suddenly I had body guards. I had people who loved me, even if there weren’t that many.

In Germany, I blossomed into the full-blown rebel that I would become and eventually move past. I drank a lot and smoked a lot. I was popular and had tons of friends including some pretty amazing ones. I miss it sometimes. But mostly, I wish I could change how it ended there. It was such a terrifically sad way to end an era.

Then Manitoba gave me two children and lessons learned before Vancouver opened my mind up even more. I loved that city. I watched the Olympics and watched a Country explode with happiness as they won the most Gold medals after in the overtime against USA Hockey game. I met an amazing girl who became one of my best friends for life. I met the man I love today there after I’d suffered two great blows. Sometimes I know that these places are chapters of my life that one day, maybe I’ll write about every shameful detail, but until then, these memories and the faces that I knew… most of them who are gone now due to war and cancer, mostly, they haunt me.

New York sucked except that I got to see my Gram a few times and made friends with some pretty interesting and good people. It was too cold for my taste and too dirty and depressing. I was glad to get out of there.

Now I’m in Louisiana and I really don’t know what to think. I was attacked by some random chick who proved her ignorance, I have been getting creepy stalkerish messages and had middle of the night visits from three different guys that I made leave (one neighbor and two friends of neighbors) and it’s just weird. At the same time, some people are really great but I have no idea how to make friends anymore, so I’m sort of lonely.

And in a certain amount of days, my future is truly going to begin. Starting when Steve finally kisses me for our third first time and hopefully continuing forever. I just hate not knowing. I hate being so unsure. I am madly in love with that man and couldn’t imagine anyone else. He’s all I ever need. And I miss him. I fell in love with a Soldier and that means I have too much time to think. I do pray more than I ever have though. To God, to my grandfather, to my Daddy… I pray that they will protect Steve and give him peace and to send my love over the miles of ocean and land and that they will bring him home to me. Nothing else matters.

Well, I have to go. I just thought I’d write for once. I’ve been kind of neglectful.

I have serious issues

Afghanistan sucks. America Rocks. 

Clearly you should just come home.

I love you. <3 xoxox

hey you.

I miss you.

wishes of you

 I'm not sure how long it's been but I miss you already. You need to call again soon... I miss you. I'm lonely

Congrats Babe!!

 

Today my amazing boyfriend was promoted to Captain (O-3) in the United States Army. I am soooo proud of the man he is and that I get to be in his life. 

 Babe, I am absolutely enamored with the man you are. I hope to make you proud of the woman I am and I hope you always make it home to me. I love you, Stephen Edward R******** <3 I am so proud of you.

 Congrats Captain Steve :) My love <3

i miss you

Did I mention I miss you? Well if not, I miss you. I love you so much, I can't wait for you to come home <3

the moon and love

The moon. I have always been drawn to it. Connected, in some inexplicable way. A silent kinship. There’s the moon, asking to stay. All my life, I’ve regarded it with a solemn reverence. For the tempestuous storm it brews. The ebb and flow. Love, lust, and longing. Sorrow and anguish. Strength and hope. Brazen resilience. An image of change. Of life itself. Birth and death and rebirth. Continuous incontinence. Everything amounts to this enormous beauty I know I will never fully be able to grasp. In all this, the moon reflects the heart of life. The kaleidoscope flux of the soul. The moon. It’s a cause for introspection. A mirror of who I have been, and a promise of who I can become.

I changed when you came into my life. Time and experience had left me rough around the edges. I learned to get on, without needing anything or anyone else. I never wanted to be different or try and be better for any other person. But then you happened. You showed me what it was to love. How beautiful it could be to share something like that with another person. And then I want to be better for you. I want to bloom for you. I want to hear you say you love me a year, two years, five years, a decade, five decades down the road. I want to grow old with you. I want to be yours only. I’m so proud of the man you are. I hope I make you proud too. I love you.

another dream about you

I had a dream about you last night. I'm not sure it was anything special but I woke up thinking about you. We were just laying in bed, cuddling and you were telling me about what you thought about something and I just kept listening to you speak as your heart beat through your chest... I love you and I miss you and I can't stop thinking about you... I hope you love me too.

I love you

we make a great team, don't you think?

he sees me

He sees me. He sees who am i. He sees what others are to busy or to blind to see. He sees me.

When I see problems, he sees the possibilities in them. Solutions where I can only see trouble. And I am thankful for that. A shoulder to lean on. A hand to hold. A person to love. That's him. And I absolutely adore him. Especially his morning smile. And they way he looks at the lifelines in my hands. How he follows them with the tips of his fingers. How it usually tickles. How he says: "I'm so proud of you." And I believe him. No matter what he says. I will believe him. And that is power. That is making yourself so vulnerable that it scares you but you still take the risk. The chance of letting yourself love - and be loved in return.

My butterflies become suicide bombers and throw themselves at the walls of my stomach when I see or hear your name. Which is a good feeling since it is the feeling that I have always associate with love. And that I can still feel it after 1 year makes me believe in us, believe in that we are forever.

We are forever