Weekend of March 8th

Well this weekend has been interesting to say the least. Steve and I finally managed to have a decent talk and it only took him blowing up over the smallest thing.

I know we love each other and I know we are both stressed out and worried about everything that has been going on, each for our own reasons. The thing is, we don't fight. I know that sounds made up but for us, it's really true. I think we've had two or maybe three fights in our entire two years together. We have disagreed and one of us has been mad at the other but we've never really had a fight that results in me crying because he's a jerk... but this weekend we did and although we made up, the fact that we have fought at all hurts and makes me question how people bounce back from that first serious fight. How do you pretend that the person you love didn't say all those awful things? How do you pretend that you didn't hear them, that they didn't cut your heart?

You see, we're different when we get mad or are stressed. I talk about everything. I make sure that my feelings are known unless I'm not sure, then I think about it until I am and let people know after. Steve is different. He holds it in until he starts saying things that cut little by little. And I, often let the little comments go, but when he blows up... like he did, I first fight back and then when I'm on the verge of saying something I don't mean, saying something hurtful, I stop myself. I walk away until I've cooled down. Now whether or not he meant what he said, which I don't believe he did, the words are still stuck in my head... the argument was unfair and he was actually mean.

Part of why I fell in love with Steve, part of why I married him is how we have always been able to talk things out before we fight. In fact, before this, I would say he was entirely incapable of fighting or saying mean things, but now I know that's not true. Now I know he forces himself not to. I love him, with all my heart and I've never loved someone more than I love him. But today, it made me realize that I married a man who does share some qualities I hated in others, but the key to me still loving him as much as I always have was also realizing that he doesn't want to be like that and 99.9% of the time, he's not, but today that .1% came out and reared it's very ugly head.

Steve and I ended up talking about it after, once he realized he was wrong and that all the things he said were unfair, unwarrented and uncalled for. He apologized and told me he loved me and that he would try to let me in before he got to that point again. A part of me still wonders how he even got there. I have known for a while that he was stressed out and try as I might to get him to talk, he just wouldn't. I begged him to talk to me on Saturday night and he finally said some things and while they hurt me, I was relieved because he was talking. I knew he was exhausted so I made him finish what he was doing for the house and sent him to bed while I stayed up and deep cleaned the majority of the house.

Sunday morning, I woke up to him being mad and overwhelmed. The only thing I hadn't managed to get done was the dishes but that's because I'd taken a long hot shower at about 3am and was exhausted and couldn't finish. I'd cleaned the livingroom and the kitchen, including under the stove and the laundry room in addition to doing most of the laundry in the house, I'd left the dishes to be done in the morning, right before we showed the house since everything else was done, the kids rooms had been cleaned during the day and our room has been clean for a while (surprise!) so I figured one quick thing in the morning, no big deal. Well, he blew up and said hurtful things, mostly about how I didn't do what I was supposed to do and that he shouldn't have gone to bed because clearly I needed his help along with a few other things. I finally told him all that I did and he said "I'm sorry but..." For me, that means I'm not sorry because... I went outside and ignored him as I cried. I got dressed and made sure the kids beds were made before we had to leave the house (we had a house showing at 1130).

I really didn't talk to him until after we'd gone to the park with the kids and Beau (who is doing better by the way, very happy and healthy). I had taken my camera and took pictures of the kids and him and Beau. Halfway through we sat down and just talked. He apologized for going off on me, saying that he realized how he was wrong and that he was thankful for all I got done. I told him I needed him to talk to me before he did something like that again because I'm just as stressed out and I don't want to be mad at him, he's my best friend.

The day got better from there. We put Beau in the back of the truck and got the kids in and went and got Crawfish and Shrimp for lunch. It was good. After we ate lunch, it stormed bad and flooded our backyard, luckily that drains into the street so it wasn't bad. We all took a nap and relaxed. Dinner came and went and I fell asleep really early causing me to be awake at 1am and now it's 4am.

We have the movers coming in 4 1/2 hours, I have my follow-up dental appointment (thank God, the pain is worse than before) and then the kids have to get shots (oh that'll be fun). Beau and Luna (who are fortunately getting along now) have their vet appointments on Wednesday morning. Beau is getting dewormed (we've noticed they haven't gone away yet) along with his shots and Luna is getting her shots and scheduled for a neutering. Both are getting microchipped. Thursday, Lily has dance class, which I'm glad for, because she loves it.

There's only 22 days until we leave, but the good news is that the people looking at the house seemed to like it and we're hoping for an offer this week. Wish us luck. That'll make my husband alot less stressed and will make my life so much easier.

Anyways, I should try for a couple more hours of sleep. Hopefully, Steve and I are back to good terms, if I could only get what he said out of my head, because I know he's sorry but I know myself and once the words are there, once they resemble ghosts of boyfriends past, I tend to keep them and how they hurt me to myself. I know he doesn't read my blog because he says he doesn't have to, but sometimes I wish he would, because when weakness strikes I find myself more comfortable to telling strangers than I do telling the one person I love more than anything how he has hurt me.

Anyways, I'm out.

22 more days.

Drama never stops

So today was a bad day. I won't go into too much detail but I had more bullshit petty army wife drama to deal with. It was the same shit I had to go to Family advocacy about. The worst part is that I just had my surgery on Monday so I was in pain and then when people I didn't want at my house showed up, I was scared (and pain and fear = anger for me), so I got mad and used my anger to make me feel stronger. And since I was angry, I wasn't open to what was happening and might have made things a tiny bit worse than I intended. The only good part was that my husband came home and we had all our ducks in a row. He helped me calm down and answer all these people's questions. I was so angry though and basically went off on this woman for being cold-hearted (She told me that my surgery or the pain I was feeling didn't matter, her words). They told me that I have to take my kids to see a doctor. Well, you dumbass bitch, I do that anyways, like on Monday when they have shots again! I also have an appointment for my daughter in Alexandria on March 20th!  When they finally left, I broke down. I cried and hugged Beau. Steve took Lily to dance class and promised to bring home pizza for dinner. After he left, I called my best friend and told her what happened. She was with me in spirit, because sadly, she's too far away to be here in person. I'm so glad I was able to talk to her about the whole thing. I wouldn't be able to handle all that has been going on without her or Steve. Between the two of them, they keep me going and keep me smiling (along with my babies, all four of them :P)

See, Steve and I make a great team in anything we do. Where I'm over-emotional, he's calm and steadfast. Where I am more creative, he's more practical. And today, his calmness was necessary and my anger was an obstacle.



What I don't understand, and probably never will, is the extent of how truly low people get. I mean, I should know by now it happens, but for some reason, that always escapes me. Maybe I'm too naive or maybe I have just seen so much evil that I search for the good in everyone and that one good quality I find, blinds me to the reality of them. After all, I was kidnapped, I was abused, I have gone through emotional pain that I wouldn't wish on anyone. My biological father kidnapped me and abandoned me with strangers just to keep me from my mother, but she didn't treat me any better than he did when I was finally given back to her (after almost 4 years).  I was an abused child, beaten and emotionally torn apart by my mother. I was the pawn in a war between my grandmother and her. My father (my step-father, but real father of my heart) was the only person who gave me love in my house as a child and he didn't know until my late teens what was going on and by then, he was a full-blown alcoholic, incapable of stopping it. I was beat by a boyfriend or two (like I said in a previous blog, I've made mistakes) and I have been cheated on. I lost the only parent I ever had that loved me and have no connection to my biological parents at all.

Maybe the fact that I've seen so much bad, lived through so much hell, is the reason I never expect it anymore. Actually, I thought had ended when I married Steve. Maybe that was also naive to believe. But everything was so much better with him. He knew all my scars and he knew all my pain. He never used it against me or made me feel like it made me a bad person. If anything, he saw that my past makes me more compassionate, more willing to see the good in everyone, even people I don't like. He knows that I love animals because they aren't mean by nature, that I have to have a pet otherwise my heart hurts (yep, I really feel depressed without something to pet and love on and get unconditional love from). Luna became mine because my old cat (Riot) disappeared and I couldn't find her anywhere. I was so depressed. So he let me adopt Luna. When Beau came, he knew he wasn't getting out of us keeping him unless someone claimed him and no one has.

He knows that I can't even spank my kids because it makes me feel horrible. I never want to be my mother. I would kill myself first. Even the moments where I yell at them, I feel like I'm too much like her. I spend time with my kids. I encourage their activities. I want them to be themselves. I spoil them. I was never really spoiled by my mother and if it weren't for the fact that she was expected to let me have activities, she would have kept me home, locked up in my room. It was my dad who let me date (surprise!) and it was my Dad who took me shopping for clothes I actually wanted to wear. If she had her way, I would have only worn pink and white and dresses. I hated those colors and dresses until I was in my early 20s. I had such a horrible mother that I do everything possible to be better than her and to be more like my Gram.

My Gram is my inspiration of what a mother, what a grandmother and what a woman in general should be like. She's amazing. She's strong and stubborn and full of life (even in her 70s!) and wonderful. All of her kids love her, all of her grandkids love her. She's my grandfather's second wife and ever since I was about 7 or 8, maybe a little older, I've called her Gram. She's never treated me like I wasn't one of her Grandkids, even though she also hates my mother (it's something we both agree on, that she's a liar and crazy and not worth having in your life at all). She's a great cook, was a great wife to both her husbands (her first husband, Jack, died before I was born, I believe and is the father of her two sons and one daughter) and buried two husbands. She's so strong and honestly, there aren't words that can describe her. She'll yell at you, cuss at you, and tell you she loves you in the same conversation. She'll make the best fudge ever and spoil you with her food and then tell you why you aren't doing something right. She'll tell you not to screw it up when everything is going right.  She's still up early in the morning, helps my cousins watch their kids since they live close to her and makes time to talk to me at least once every couple of weeks, usually every week. I love her so much.

I've had this amazing inspiration on my life and she doesn't fit the normal mold for "Grandmother" at all. And I love that about her. I don't want her to be normal. I like who she is, and I want to be like her. In some ways, I am. I'm stubborn like her and I tell people like is like her. I hope in all ways I can be like her. It's my greatest wish. She isn't normal and that's what makes her perfect. :)

So because I have these great people in my life, from my husband, my perfect partner, my soulmate, my husband, to my best friends to my Gram, I have so many people watching to make sure that I am the best I can be. They make sure I'm a good mother, a good wife, they talk me down from the "I'm about to do something crazy/stupid/_fillintheblank_" place I can sometimes get and they encourage my happiness.

Plus I couldn't imagine ever hurting my children. WHO COULD HURT A CHILD?? And why would someone believe I would?!? But I know the truth, that petty wife, she doesn't actually believe I am neglecting my children (I have proof up the waszoo that I don't!), she just hates me enough and judges me based on the handful of times we've actually seen each other. That's what hurts the most. What kind of person does she think I am? Like her?? NOPE! And proud to be not only a better mother than she thinks, but clearly a better person than she is.

So today, I dealt with more shit that I wanted to and I can't sleep again because of it. The stress is eating at me and I really need a vacation but the good news is in 25 days I am out of this place and I can't wait!!!!


Anyways, I'm off to do something else. Good night.


PS. I hope that nothing I said tonight makes you think less of me, this is the honest truth of what I've been through, maybe not every detail but enough so you get the gist.


Update at 10:50am Friday Morning:::


I called BJach to make an appointment with Maj. Savage (their Pediatrician) and when they asked why I was blunt and told them... The nurse on the line told me You aren't the only one whose pissed off an army wife. I've been there. It made me feel better. She is going to call me back to see if I can just get an overview of Lily's last appointment to send to Family Advocacy and be done with it. :) Yay! I'm glad I'm not the only one who has pissed off a petty wife and I'm glad that people aren't being cruel about it or judging me instantly based on that. Yayness.

Petty Army Wife rant

I'm really beginning to think it's petty army wife month, between my own bullshit going on and others... Why is it that we can't all just either get along or accept our differences of opinion and act like adults?? I would never do what has been done to me and I can't even imagine why people do things like that to others. Maybe I'm too nice of a person and only get mad about things that matter to me, but if I say to leave me alone, that's all I mean. I won't bring it up to other people, or if I do, I won't use your name... that's how I am. I will tell my friends what's going on but leave names out of it just so I can vent to a friend. If others vent to me, I try to leave names out of it, but I don't like the petty bullshit and I'm done with it. Seriously, grow up and act like an adult instead of like we're all in high school. 

It bugs the hell out of me. And if I weren't who I am, I would drag this woman's name through the mud, out of hiding and blast her online. But I'm nice and above that. I really hate her and just want her in my past, a thought I never think about again. I even know when and where she works out (Steve told me) and if I wanted to confront her, which I really do badly, I would go there, but I won't because I know it would end badly and even my best friend told me not to. AND FYI my best friend doesn't even know this woman's name because I simply don't do that. If I can be above things like that and be raging mad like I am (shaking and furious) why can't everyone else?

So many people claim to want "World Peace" but honestly so many of those people who want peace or just to be out of war are the ones who cause the most drama. It bugs me so much. Especially people who use religion as why they can judge other people and spread lies about them.

I'm done, I'm over it and just want to say::

Yes I am loud and outgoing. Yes, I have tattoos and bright dyed raspberry red hair. I wear jeans and cowboy boots and tshirts with weird sayings on them. I don't meet anyone's expectations of what an Officer's wife should look like or act like, but guess what? My husband married me KNOWING who I am. He loves me, with all my tattoos, dyed hair, clothing style, attitude! He knows who I am and what I am and before anyone judges me based on my outer qualities, maybe they should get to know my heart...

I am the type of person who will help my worst enemy in their time of need. The type of person who volunteers to help animals or at risk youth, just so they'll have the hope of a better life. I am the kind of woman who will bend over backwards to do the right thing even if it hurts me.


The part that I wish EVERYONE could understand is that your behavior makes you who you are. NOT your beliefs, not your husband's rank, not how you dress or what clothes you wear or even your personality. It's how you act towards other people, those you like and those you don't like. It's how you act towards all living creatures that matters. 

We aren't in high school. We're in the Army life, the Military life and each one of us faces our own battles on a daily basis with this life. How is it that we can't just find it in each other to make peace with our differences, to move on and accept one another as we come? Why is it that we are worse than a bunch of high school girls and guys with all their cliques and bullying and drama? Why haven't we grown up? 

Update on Yesterday

Well, let me start this by saying that I am still in pain from my surgery yesterday and still frustrated by that particular army wife who made a false complaint against me.

This morning, I woke up at 830 (after me up and down all night) to the realtor being here to take pictures. I quickly went and made my bed and the kids' beds and made sure my room was neat and organized. After that, I checked my messages to find out I had to go to this meeting with the caseworker too, just to clear myself from the accusations made against me. That went well, considering the amount of pain and aggravation I was feeling. The accusations were this: That my daughter is too small, that they need to see a dentist, that they "smelled funny". I know for a fact who did it now, after hearing those. Firstly, let me say that I am tiny, at five2 and one hundred pounds (seriously, it's less than that right now but that's my average), why wouldn't my daughter be smaller? Secondly, both my kids have been to see a dentist and Lily has her major appointment on the 22nd. Jax has nothing severe and is waiting until after we PCS (no biggie). Thirdly, my daughter sprayed both her and her brother down with a perfume that even I find stinks awfully. So there was no real claim made. It was entirely bullshit.

After hearing that we probably wouldn't have to deal with it again, I was relieved but still upset by this wife in question. A million ways to get revenge ran through my mind but I'm too moral for some and others are just worthless.

Now my kids and I are home, my husband went back to work and we are sitting here after lunch (the kids ate, I couldn't yet) watching the Lion King and relaxing. My pain killers are kicking in so after the movie the kids will go for a nap and I will fully unwind.

All of this shit that's been going on makes me really despise how gossipy and just plain ignorant some wives are. I love my girls on RBL but honestly, if it had been one of them who had made the complaint, I probably would have deleted them right away, cutting them off from a great support group, because I'm just that mean. I am a mother and I'm so protective of my young. Don't mess with them ever.

UPDATE on the Update:::

So my husband had a meeting with his commander and told him what was going on. Except the way I think it happened was by telling whoever that I had a problem with a wife and this was her revenge. I'm seriously sick of this shit. I feel like one person is causing so many problems, none of which I deserve. I got mad at my husband because the words he told me made me think he just made it seem all on my part and it's not even true... (see Don't Wear His Rank for what happened there) and now he seems to be taking the Army's side and just saying it doesn't matter at all who did it. Then he tried to say that the accusations were the same as if someone had accused me of abusing a herd of goats! Really? That's so not the same thing. These are my kids! I went through 9 months of pregnancy for each one and the hardships of being a single mother. I seriously don't even see how he could say that was the same thing but it's not. I have gone through so much to take care of them and I've done nothing wrong. I don't need some arrogant bitch saying things about me that are untrue and there is nothing I can do other than my best and having my husband is great but sometimes I feel like the Army gets more of his loyalty than I do. I know, I know... if the Army wanted him to have a wife, they would have issued him one, but I am willing to sacrifice almost anything for his career, but not my children, never my children. I'm sorry, but I can't even go there. I love them more than life itself, they are my future, his future, our future.

I'm just upset and angry at this bullshit. It's not fair and I don't deserve to go through it.

Pissed and Pain

I don't really have much to say or much to say that's nice or even that should be aired on the world wide web, but let me say this first, before I go into other things::: IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME, take it up with me. Don't go behind my back to start shit that ends up involving my husband and his chain of command, especially since it's so unfounded. You hate me, that's great. I hate you too, and let's just put it this way, if I could, I would sink as low as you did. But I can't, because that would go against my moral code and I can't be a lifeless piece of shit like you. (The person who wronged me, she knows who she is...)

The other stuff...

I had my surgery today and wow, I am in so much pain. The worst part was that they didn't give me my prescription until I'm dripping blood out of my mouth and stuck waiting for over a half hour for them. So I'm stuck, bleeding all over myself, having to pee, not wanting to be seen in public bleeding all over and only wanting to go hide at home in bed. I finally got my prescriptions and while I love my husband, sometimes he's clueless. I ended up snapping at him, grabbing all of my stuff out of the truck and going inside to finally use the bathroom and take my prescription and then telling him to just go to work if he wasn't going to do anything helpful. I was mad at him for not being able to help me for whatever stupid reason and the fact is I transfer pain to anger and don't even think about it. I'd rather be angry than be in pain and weak.  Anyways, he went back to work and then came home shortly before five to tell me that someone (I am almost a hundred percent positive who) made a complaint to family advocacy about us, one that is no way founded (really, I can't even think of what it might be except my daughter is smaller than average, but then again, so am I!!!)  I seriously have so much going on and then some asshole or bitch (most likely the bitch who I wrote about in Don't wear his rank) goes and makes a complaint against me, using my kids. I'm so furious. I know she hates me but seriously, I don't even think her other than the fact that she's got a decent husband and she wears her husband's rank like she earned it (which FYI NONE OF US FRIGGIN EARNED his RANK!!!) I avoid her as much as possible but I found out that our kids were in daycare today together and that she pulled her son out about an hour before the complaint was lodged against us. Seriously??? Now I'm just pissed and in pain from the surgery. And tomorrow, my husband is bringing the kids records and going to this meeting to prove there is nothing wrong and that we are taking care of them. It isn't a complaint that we beat them or anything, because that would have been kicked to the civilian world and not the Army Family Advocacy.

I seriously hate people who use my kids to get to me. They deserve to see me and a glock.

I'm out because I'm too pissed off.


PS. If I offended anyone today, I don't give a rat's ass. This is my blog, my place to write and I've been personally offended by some bitch who attacked me using my kids. Grow a pair of balls!!!

In-Laws Rant

I'm annoyed. Yes, annoyed. Why you might ask? By my in-laws saying that I am not a Christian Lady... again. I come from an entirely different culture than they do. They are from the really conservative, right-wing baptist community that only values things that happen in their church (and all other churches are wrong, fyi), they don't believe in dancing, drinking, music that doesn't talk about loving Jesus, shows that might be a little too edgy and going to the movies: that's a product of the devil. I am from the Military Community. I grew up raised around Soldiers and Airmen who swore, drank, danced, used weapons on a regular basis, fished, hunted, smoked and alot of other "un-Christian" things. Things I do also. I swear, alot. I drink wine occasionally. I love to dance. I love music of all flavors. I love to watch shows about Vampires and fake worlds. And I love movies. I love to joke around and be inappropriate with my friends because they are my friends and we love to have fun.

So why is this bothering me tonight? Well, it shouldn't really but my husband spoke to his mother last week and it's been in my head. Let me point this out: She never calls me, never asks to speak to me when my husband calls her, never thanks me for what I clearly do for her (like I'm the one who sent her the Anniversary card for her and my father-in-law's 43rd). She acts like she's morally superior to me, even though I'm catholic and believe that I'm on the right path to Heaven for me. (I don't care what you believe, because I believe there are many paths to Heaven and I'm on mine, you are on yours.) And worse yet, she thinks the Bible explains everything. Well, this is the Military and the Bible doesn't cover it, not really. We don't have answers to the problems we face, the scriptures don't hold the keys to every possible situation. It bothers me alot that she thinks I should only find answers in a Book written 2000 years ago.

I do like the Bible. I love the stories inside and I think it's a wonderful book full of stories that teach lessons, but I don't think it covers all the choices life gives. I don't think we could possibly have all the answers for everything.

My in-laws not liking me hurts alot, considering I have no parents anymore. I have friend's parents who love me, who treat me like a member of their family. I have aunts that treat me like a daughter and I have ex-boyfriend's parents that still call me to chat from time to time. So the fact that my own mother-in-law doesn't like me and decides that judging me is better than getting to know me for me, hurts like hell. It's the reason we won't visit over holidays, over Sundays, for too long. The fact is that my husband isn't who they think he is either and he would rather not see me hurt by them. It does hurt too. I'm not the kind of person who gets hurt so easily but I wished for a set of in-laws that would take me under their wing as a daughter, instead I got in-laws who treat me like I'm damaged and cursed.

How am I supposed to deal with that? I send them cards randomly, I send them books that I think they'd enjoy (like Bible Trivia) and I try to keep them updated with pictures of their son and many other things, but do they ever acknowledge a single thing I do? No. Do they ever thank me? No, they thank their son, who if he had to remember the dates for important things, wouldn't. I remind him of Birthdays and Anniversaries. I remind him how old they are, how many years they've been married. And I just married into the family. I am the one who puts forth all the effort only to be judged for things that shouldn't matter.

Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does. And if we judge them on that, they are totally failing. 

Anyways, that's my rant for the day... I'm sad about it and it makes me miss my Dad even more. He was my hero and my white knight. I never thought I'd be so alone and I never thought I'd need his advice on how to deal with in-laws that don't like you, but I do... and I don't know what to do about it.

Don't involve me in her drama

I hate people...

So stop trying to assume shit about me. You know nothing about my life anymore. You aren't even involved.

deep thoughts

I have cut ties to some people in my life recently that would like to blame me and call me names, insulting me while trying to get me to open my life up to them again. I refuse to drink a glass of wine with the capsules of poison showing. I have far more in my life than I have ever had. I have a wonderful man, who makes certain that I feel safe and like I don’t have to be alone against the world. He just so happens to be a hero to me in every single way. I know that he is more important to my life than the negative.

Thoughts flow through my head as I try to see the similiarities between myself and them. I know we share so many qualities: We love.  We hate.  We feel torn.  We live. We laugh. We cry.  We hurt… both others and ourselves.  We learn.  We laugh some more. We cry harder.  We scream louder, and then we whisper softer.  We feel ambivalence, and abundance.  We love more.  We hate more. We get to know passion like the back of our hands, and then like any flaming romance it eventually dulls, even bores.  Then we’re faced with the choice:

Do we seek something greater, higher, deeper, and more extravagant? Or are we content with what we have, what we know?

When it comes to emotional roller coasters, I’ve had my share.  And I’ve decided that I’m content and do not need to know a deeper meaning.  I do not need to express my anger over days of insult, childish, dramatic, totally dysfunctional behaviour.  And I don’t wish to associate with those who have reached adulthood and still feel the need.  I love through and true, and I have chosen to love those who matter to me and whom I matter to. I will never be disloyal to someone who has given me nothing but love, when far too many have shown they are no one to turn to.

Life is not easy.  Nor is love.  We learn to communicate effectively to get the responses we need… Or, as the battle of the fittest works we keep losing – over and over again.

I won’t lose anymore sleep over this. I won’t miss her for what she was to me. I’ll only miss the woman she never was. I’ve ended all ties with my mother because she does not love me and no matter how much I wish she would be, she’ll never care about me more than she cares about herself. She won’t love my children with the grandmotherly affections and sweet treats. She hasn’t yet. I can’t put myself through that anymore.

And with him at my side (no matter how far away), I’ve learned that family is supposed to be something of love. My father always loved me, I know that. I have felt the great loss of love, he loved me enough for both my parents. My life is always going to ache for his love, my heart still feels the loss so greatly when I allow myself a moment to think about it. I will always miss him.

Steve allows me to be me. He doesn’t make me think that I am any less than worthy and I could not be more certain that he is my life and love. Why should I live with the pain of someone who will never be offering a hand at the price of a leg when I can have someone that will offer a warm embrace at the cost of a kiss?

Never again will I drink the poisoned wine, never again will I fight a battle with someone who is childish and selfish. For the rest of my life, I want happiness. I’m old enough to realize that life is short, I want mine to be full of happiness and worthy challenges to accomplish.

Moving

It's been a hell of a move and impossible even. But I made it. Louisiana. And in a matter of months, Steve will be here too. I don't have my stuff yet. I'm hoping that arrives soon. Anyways, everything is pretty good. The kids are loving playing outside and I met some nice people. I'm not sure what to think yet, of course, but this is ok.

first friday of 2011

Well, this week has gone pretty well. I have gotten a lot done via school work is concerned. Turned in my first paper today, we’ll see how well I do. I had to chop a lot out of it because I had too many words. My computer finally let me download microsoft word again. It took ages. I wrote my report, did more than the minimum in all my classes, took notes for two weeks, have another paper to write next week, but I find out the topic on Monday, so no worries for the weekend. Just going to do my test tomorrow because I couldn’t focus on it tonight.

My biological father is not the type of man I’d wish on anyone. He hates me with a passion and whenever I refuse to allow him into my life, he tries to take me down any way he can. This time he’s focusing on my kids, which is so crap. He called Child services where he lives because he doesn’t know where I live. And there’s a reason for it. I don’t trust the man and I knew I shouldn’t. so I told him to back off and leave me alone. But he chose not to and then I told him I’d never let him in and he did this. Any wonder why I don’t trust him?

Makes me miss my Daddy, this all-too-amazing hero, who loved me and never for one minute made me feel less like his beautiful daughter, I was his little girl. He really gave me the best gift of all, unconditional love.

I haven’t gotten to talk to Steve in over 2 days. I miss him a lot and I’m slightly worried, but I am looking forward to that call, the one that says “Baby, I’m on American soil.” God, it consumes me. I miss him so much.

Anyways, it’s Friday night, I got a package from Belgium full of amazing chocolate, my auntie sent it to me. She’s not my real aunt but I’ve always found family in the world, we adopt each other…

Anyways, off to watch something mind-numbing and study a little more. Might take my exam tonight just to get it over with.

Love, Leah

You think she's better than me?

She is so not better than me. She's just a disease. I thought you were worth loving and I was wrong. Any girl who falls for you should be warned. You are capable of destroying a girl's soul and heart with words of encouragement and actions of love followed by silence and neglect.