Find myself

I sometimes think your past needs to visit you every so often just so you can remember who you used to be, why you were that way, what you wanted then and how different it all is to who you are now, why you are you now, and what you want now.

Lately, I've been remembering a lot, from my time in Germany to now and the memories, they don't fade quietly into the background like we all seem to think they should but rather sit in the back of your mind, biding their time to when a song or a food or a moment allows them to come rushing back. It starts with one but eventually they all come flooding back. From the time you were picked up for that first date with that first guy you really liked and the song on the radio captures that moment and whenever you hear it, you are back in that car with that boy and no matter how many times you hear it, it will always represent that boy. Or when you eat a meal at a restaurant, one you'd eaten so many times without realizing what it meant and then you remember the days where you sat with your Dad in some restaurant somewhere eating and talking and you just fall apart because you miss him. Or when you smell the fresh cut grass and you are back to being seventeen, laying on the lawn of a castle in some foreign country with the guy you love holding you as you talk about a future moment. When a breeze hits you the right way and you're a few years older and wiser than you were at seventeen but still a fool with your heart and you remember that guy that you were friends with first and then messed it all up by being in a relationship... and you can't help but remember the friendship and miss that because even though the relationship sucked, the friendship was good.

So I've been remembering moments of my life. Moments that matter and made so much of my life matter and brought me to this moment in time. I don't regret a single mistake or bad decision because at least I put myself out there. At least, I tried to find things that mattered and tried to find a life that made sense, even if it turned out badly and even if the choices of my past didn't work out the way I'd hoped because I found a better life. I found my life. I just need to find myself again.

Sometimes, the past is still in your life. Like that ex boyfriend who became more of a friend to you than most of your so-called friends back in the day. Like a girl you barely spoke to in high school but who suddenly transformed into one of your best friends. Like the pictures of people you don't even remember their names but sit in a small box that for some reason you can't bare to throw away. Sometimes, the past helps you remember who you were and reminds you how you got to where you are now. So you reach out to someone you haven't talked to in a while and you try to make peace, only to have that door slammed in your face with an insult to go with it and you get sad for a while but you remember that  you were reaching out for yourself and they aren't ready and probably never will be ready for that "forgive and forget" moment you read about in books. Sometimes, the person you never wanted to hear from again reaches out to you and you must make that choice: do you forgive them and forget the past and make new memories or do you cling to the hurt and the bad memories because for some reason letting go of something negative like that is hard and seems almost impossible to imagine that any good could come out of it. Well, I've done both those sometimes this week with members of my past. I reached out to someone who slammed the door on me and let me know that he wasn't interested without actually speaking to me and I've let someone in that I had bad feelings about for a long time based on mutual idiocy of youth. I don't regret reaching out and I don't regret forgiving, it means that I've grown into someone who deserves the life I have now.

I love my life now, married to a wonderful man who loves me and needs me in his life and puts up with my annoying quirks and lets me be myself, even if sometimes, I'm not entirely sure who that is yet, with two wonderful children who love me and make me so crazy happy, I want to burst sometimes. But sometimes, you just have to remember and remember that before you were a mother and a wife, you were a person of your own caliber, with your own identity and your own meaning to it all. And I've started to realize that I miss me. 

Yes, I love being a mother. My kids mean more than anything to me. I would do anything for them, I've done everything for them. I've sacrificed so much of myself to let them have the best I could offer and I did it without question because they are my children. I love when they wrap their little arms around me and say four little words that fill my heart with so much love that it breaks: "I love you, Mommy."

And I love being a wife to my husband. He's my best friend and is the most wonderful man with the most beautiful qualities a person can possess: humility, strength, dignity, courage, honor, honesty, love.  He makes us his first priority and does something with his life that I couldn't imagine having more worth. He's also one of the smartest people I've ever known (Takes his last Final before his Master's degree sometime over next week). He makes me laugh, which for me is the number one quality a man can have because I get stuck in my own head so much, he can actually take me out of it. And I will continue to make sacrifices for him too, because he'll make sacrifices for our Country and that's what our life together will always have in it: a duty to each other and our Country. He's a Soldier and I'm his wife and we will stick together throughout any sacrifice that is needed, even if we are separated by distance of body, our hearts are connected always. And I will always be proud to be his wife, because of who I was so lucky to marry.

It's just that sometimes, I miss myself. I miss knowing what I liked to do when I was alone, which I haven't been in so long with two kids and a husband. I miss hanging out with friends and talking about things that range from the stupid to the real. I miss going to a small little record store and finding an album that I'd never even heard of and listening to it as I explored a new place and saw different things. I miss spending time looking at the stars after a night of partying with friends alone on my balcony. I miss who I was when I was with friends and could just be me, Leah, a girl who didn't have labels.

I don't regret becoming a mother, but lately, the reminders of the past have reminded me that I need to find out who I am aside from mother and wife. I'm not willing to give up either of those two things, but I want me again. I need to take time for my art and for my music and for me. I need to discover who I am now. And all I know about myself these days is that I am a damn good mother and a damn good wife and those always come first but when you put so many things in front of yourself, where do you fit in?

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, which is what I'm sure I sound like, but I know others go through this too and I just wonder how they managed to find themselves after they got lost in the wife and mother roles. How did they find out who they were outside of their families?

How do you find yourself when you'd forgotten you for so long that you've forgotten everything about yourself? 

truth comes in peaceful moments

Sometimes, truth comes in peaceful moments. Sometimes clarity comes in all the chaos of the universe, like the eye of a storm or the calm ocean before a hurricane.  Sometimes, all you have to do is look up at the night sky and see the moon glowing and reflecting light of the clouds to see the beauty in everything. I close my eyes and think of all the yesterdays in my life. I think about the happy memories I have had and the sad memories that still hold a slight glimpse of happiness and those memories that I can't figure out how to feel because they are tainted now by things that happened later. 

I remember my father as my hero but sometimes I'm angry with him for things he did while he was alive. Secrets he never shared, that he couldn't share. Things he said that he shouldn't have said. But I've come to the realization that I will never be able to confront him and make him say he was sorry and that he was wrong, so instead, I have to find that part of me that is willing to forgive his wrongs and see what he did for me instead. And most of the time, I succeed, but other times, I still feel that anger mixed with sadness. That feeling when Daddy's little girl realizes her Daddy isn't a superhero... that he's just a man. I didn't realize that until it was too late to have that talk with him. The one that bares all to honest scrutiny. The talk that says "Look at me and see what your lessons taught me, look at me and see what you did right... look at me and see what you did wrong." That talk will never happen and it saddens me but at the same time, I know he would be sorry and ask for me to forgive him and I know that if I could just have one more hug, I would. 

The same cannot be said about my exes, who all cheated on me and caused me to distrust men so much. I had one cheat on me with multiple women, another use an online dating site while we lived together. One who slept with a good friend of mine and others who shattered my trust. I remember things that I recall as happy moments but the love I felt is now destroyed for them, that I get angry that I share those memories with them, that moments of my life are tainted with their faces and their would-be love. It causes me to distrust my life sometimes, even to distrust my husband, who has never earned a single bit of that feeling but deals with it because he loves me.

My husband is the only man I've ever known who hasn't betrayed me in any way. He loves me, for better and for worse. Over the past few days, I've had time to think and to contemplate things. I've had time to wonder if he would ever hurt me or neglect me because I am "not good enough" as I've heard so often before. But because of what I've been going through, with a major dental surgery that left my face swollen and bruised and me hiding in bed away from the world and seeing how much he loves me, what he'll do for me, I know I have no reason to worry. He has taken me from this place where my confidence was nearly shattered and brought me to a place where it gets shaken but never breaks. He comforts me, spoils me, amazes me, with everything he does. I love him with every fiber of my being, even when I don't show it. 

When I met him, I wasn't sure I would love him. I liked him, a lot. But I had just had a major heartbreak and wasn't ready to commit myself to him. Well two years later, we are together, in love and married. He took my children into his heart as if they were always his and drives them to dance class and soccer practice, fixes them breakfast so I can sleep in a little longer. He brings me flowers and tells me he loves me as often as possible. We rarely leave the room or hang up the phone without saying it. There is never a time he leaves the house without giving me a kiss. Some mornings he comes into our room and cuddles after PT until he has to leave for work. Some nights, he puts off homework so we can cuddle and watch a movie or a show together. He does the dishes for me and helps me with the cleaning. He encourages me to feel whatever I'm feeling, trusts me to be honest with him as I trust him for the same. We rarely fight (we've only had one "big" one and it ended quickly with both of us apologizing for our behavior). We know how each other tick and we know how each other reacts and what we really mean when we say something. We know each other's flaws and we never hold them against each other. We each have annoying habits and we deal with them honestly and come to agreements about certain ones and let the others slide. We talk about our finances together, he has an account on his own, I have an account of my own and we share an account, so we each have money to spend separately and money we spend together as a family. We support each other in everything. In all of my life, I've never had a "we" quite like us. 

Today is another day of our love growing, expanding. He shows me with every small act that he loves me and I show him that I love him with every act. Today, he had to work and since I have a swollen face and a black eye, I'm refusing to leave my house until my face is back to normal, he came home to bring me a milkshake and to take our daughter (because she really is OURS, not my ex who gave dna but Steve's and mine because we love her and our son with every action and every daily chore that revolves around them) to her dance class. I gave him my debit card from my account to pull out money for an order I placed by mistake to his card and to pick up pizza for him and the kids (I can't eat anything solid yet). And he came home with pizza and change. He told me about Lily's dance class and what he did while she was at it. I don't think we even have secrets from each other in any way. I hear about his day at work (whether I want to or not, haha) and he hears about mine at home with the kids (whether he wants to or not, haha). When I go out, I tell him what I did, with or without friends and he does the same. Tonight, he's watching an 80s movie called "Escape from NY" and explained it to me, even though I didn't care, I listened and told him it sounded bizarre. He asked me how my show was and I told him and I know he didn't care but we talk, we communicate on big issues and small ones. And today, well, today was just another example of how well we work together. 

I think, somehow, all the shitty stuff that happened in my life lead me to him. All the mistakes I made, choices I made, good and bad, all of that lead to him. He is better than I ever dreamed. And I'm so proud of him. So damn proud to be his wife and his soul mate and his best friend. 

The other day I got mad at his family for not seeing him the way I do. For not seeing this amazing man, with a Masters degree nearly finished (May 12th!!!!) and a great career as an Army Captain, with a Bronze star under his belt already. A man who has amazing values and strength and enough compassion to be a great leader for his soldiers that he'll have in less than 2 years. A man who puts our family first, above all else. A man who would do anything in the world to keep us all happy. A man whose convictions are strong enough that he can say no to my impulsiveness (when it's wrong to be impulsive) and a man who is strong enough to take on a pre-made family without questioning it. A man who wants to build our family, who wants to provide us with an amazing life... A man who is so utterly perfect that his flaws and annoying traits are so insignificant. I guess I'm just so proud and in love that it hurt me when he told me that none of his family knew how close he was to graduating with his masters, how none of them remembered how he received his Bronze Star... I think it bothered me more than my family somewhat ignoring me. After all, he grew up with his and they know less about him (but think they know everything there is to know) than my family knows about me. And that's just sad to me. 

Sometimes, truth comes in peaceful moments. Sometimes, clarity comes within the chaos. And sometimes, all you have to do is open your heart to it. 

I know I rambled alot here, and for that I'm sorry, but this was what has been on my mind today and I just had to get it out... 

Oh and one more thing, my homestate of New Jersey are total morons for even suggesting they lower the flag to half-mast for an alcoholic junkie. She doesn't deserve that. Only our REAL heroes deserve that kind of respect 

God Bless the Troops, Firefighters, Police Officers and EMTs that die in the line of duty. 

Love,

For now & Forever,

Leah

Moving & Religion

It's 240am local time. I'm stressed out by the amount of projects we have to get done by April 2nd. Yep, I know my date of when the movers will come and pack our stuff out to ship to Fort Lost-in-the-Woods, Missouri. I'm excited and sad at the same time.

I moved to Louisiana almost a year ago, to get away from my past and to welcome my future and to wait on my Soldier. I had been living in NY at this time last year, hating where I was, hating my mother (for many reasons, but for one very important one, she threatened to kill me by holding a shotgun aimed at my face), hating the cold and the snow and the lack of happiness to be found there. I needed to get myself and my children away from her. At the time, Steve was deployed and I was back in my family's town trying to figure out my life. It wasn't my hometown, I was a Military Brat and because of that, I never really had a hometown. (Although, I do call Jersey my home state.) He had come to NY on his R&R from Afghanistan and hated that place as much as I did and told me that he wanted me to move to Louisiana and get away from the bad stuff that kept me so unhappy. So in early March or April (honestly, I forgot exactly when I moved because it doesn't really matter), I moved to Louisiana with the kids to wait for our hero to come home. I met new people and fell in love with this state for what it offered me: Freedom from my family (mainly my mother), a home to set up and a future with my Soldier.

Since moving here, Steve came home in August of 2011, he and I got married. I met his family, wonderful friends and fell in love with the local foods (Cajun and Creole are amazing dishes). I miss things from the other places I've lived but at the same time, I love the small-town America vibe this place has. And soon, we will move to another place that I've never been, we will be surrounded by new people, living in Army housing on post (since it will only be for a year) and we will be celebrating our One year married, and our three years together in Missouri. Lily will start Kindergarten and Jax will be in preschool. I'm thinking of heading back to school for a Psychology degree and taking advantage of my father's GI Bill (as is my right as a survivor).

To move, however, we have to sell our house, make it appear perfect (which adds to so much of my stress), finish my dental things, and finish packing things that clutter our home (aka all the stuff that I won't be needing until at least May). There is nothing easy about PCSing. The thing that makes me grateful, though, is that I won't have to think too much about my in-laws and their misunderstanding and their lack of knowledge about my faith (which is our biggest obstacle in my relationship with them).

I really don't know how to deal with them. All I know is that my religion is misunderstood by them and I probably am misunderstanding their own, except I have asked my husband questions concerning their faith and found myself confused. Don't get me wrong, I know the Catholic church has some issues and possibly some corruption. I know that we have what people would consider "False Idols" in Saints (which, fyi, we don't worship, we simply pray to them in our time of need, we acknowledge their legacies and pray that they will guide us. However, I still accept Jesus (even if sometimes I question things too much) in my heart, and always have. I believe that God has so much to do with six billion (or is it seven billion now?) on earth and he delegates to the Angels and the Saints to help His people. But I also believe that other faiths are probably just as right and wrong as my own, that there are many paths into Saint Peter's Gates, that there are many different faiths that have lessons worthy of learning. I don't believe that any church could possibly have all the answers, nor does the Bible, but I do believe that it holds valuable information and lessons that I hang on to with my heart. I don't know all the answers, but I do know that there are good people who aren't Christian and there are bad people who are. I don't believe in a cruel God who would send good people to hell just because they are born into a faith or chose to believe in a certain faith that is contrary to the Christian way. Just as I do not believe that God would allow bad people into Heaven, who are neither deserving or repentant.

Some of my favorite parts of being catholic are confession, mass, communion and traditions. I love how you can go into any Catholic church in the entire world and the feeling inside is always the same, and for me, it means home, family and something divine. There is usually the same smell too, a mix of perfumes, the unscented candles that burn, the incense that burns purification, and the holy water always feels the same, cool to the touch yet warms on your heart and head as you cross yourself. I have a cross my father brought me back from Italy that was blessed by the Pope and I have my rosary that I've had for so long, a bracelet with pearls and the crucified Christ. I remember the lessons from Sunday School and Summer camp. I remember my first Communion and my confirmation.

I won't make my kids become Catholic though. I don't think I want my decedents entering my church, however I don't want them in my in-law's church either. It honestly terrified me to be there. I saw judgement where in my own, I saw love. I heard the sermon and found myself confused because it was of not judging others while judging them at the same time. I don't want my children being raised to believe that judging anyone, without a real cause is wrong. For example, you can judge a pedophile because he is a monster, not a human being but you cannot judge a young Muslim girl just because of her faith. The Pedophile prays on children, destroying their innocence and taking away the path their lives should have gone. The Muslim child has harmed no one and her only fault is by being born into a Muslim family.

The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, est pater, est filius, et spiritus sanceti. That is the Holy Trinity. That is what I believe in. Let me explain. I believe that God is the Father, he is my Heavenly Father as my Dad was my Earthly one. He created me (whether or not evolution was involved, which I believe is part of the "Seven Days" it took for God to create the Earth, pardon me, I consider science as well as the Bible for the beginnings of the human race) and everything else on Earth, past and present. Jesus, the Son, died for my sins and is my Savior, he has repented for me (although I also repent for my own sins, through confessions). And the Holy Spirit is that part of your soul that is drawn to the Heavens, the part that allows you to do Good and to make peace in the world. If you are good and try to be a good person and devote yourself to your own faith, the Holy Spirit inside you connects you to God and Jesus, but if you are bad and remorseless about your faith, then your Holy Spirit is replaced by a void inside. Now, don't misunderstand me, I don't know if this is what all Catholics believe (there have been so many branches break off and bend to the wills of the people, but this is what my Priest as a child explained to me). I don't believe my friends who are atheist or even agnostic are bad people, and I don't believe they'll go to Hell unless they die with a Hate in their heart that is incurable, however none of my friends, not even the ones with Anti-Christian tattoos are headed for hell. Not that I know of anyways. If they are, then most likely I'll follow them, as we agree on so much of life and only disagree where God is concerned, although we don't talk about our differences of faith. It's unimportant to our friendship and the love that we share.

I think I started to ramble. I didn't mean to but I just can't seem to explain myself right. Not on here, nor to his family. I can't explain how hard it is for me because Faith has never been a big issue in my life. I've had friends in so many different ones, but they all carried values that mattered to me: Loyalty, Courage, Honor, Integrity, Self-less Service, Duty and Respect. I don't care what others believe, and I doubt God would be that Hateful to people who carry these values at the core of themselves. Anyways, my in-laws disagree with most of what I've said before, which is basically what I wrote above. They don't understand how I can't see how "lost" I am, and I don't understand why they would think that. But when two different worlds meet, you can't help but have misunderstandings. I only pray that one day, we will be able to sit down and find ourselves looking past those differences, because as one human to another, from myself to you still reading, I don't think it matters nearly as much as we think it does.

Anyways, it's now 340 and I just spent an hour releasing thoughts from my worried mind. I wish I could talk to my in-laws like I can talk to my friends or even the "Moms" that have adopted me as part of their family. It would be nice to talk to my mother-in-law about kids or her son and how proud I am of him and how wonderful a man she raised. Maybe one day it will happen....

Good Night again.

Love,

Always and Forever,

Leah

Housework is work sometimes

Whew... What a day this was. I started the day at 8am with no pain meds because I had too much to do... I wanted to get all the things done on my list and I think I accomplished alot.

I did all my kids laundry, folded it, hung it up and put it away. (you know what had to be). Then I did my laundry, then Lily's bedding, then Steve's clothes, then the towels, then Jax's bedding. Now our body pillows are in the washer and dryer and I finally feel like I'm done with Laundry til Thursday (which will suck, because my procedure is the day before.)

I also managed to get the livingroom and the kids rooms completely cleaned. Cleaned out Steve's uniform closet (I now have two complete uniforms to send in for a ACU purse for cheap) and cleaned the hallway. I reorganized so much that I feel like the house is in better shape, which is great, because starting Wednesday I'm going to be hurting.

After all that, I was feeling frustrated so I went to the gym. I ran half a mile, did 2000m on the row machine, did 15 body pullups, 65lbs leg presses 20 reps/2 sets, 50lbs arm curls and 35 inclined sit ups. I took it easy because of my back but I did feel like I got alot accomplished. Even my muscles are happy now.

Now I've taken my meds and I'm ready for sleep, but I just wanted to update. Tomorrow I call to find out what time on Wednesday I'll get my procedure done. I'm hoping after 1430 just so hubby can go pick up his orders finally.

Love,
For Now & Forever,
Leah


PS. Four years ago today, a great man died that I loved very much. I love and miss you, Poppy...

Operation Iraqi Freedom... over.

The Iraq war is over. I've been thinking about it, trying to understand how I feel, trying to process the past 8 years in a way that conveys how much was lost compared to how little I feel was gained.

My father fought in the first Gulf War. And as I grew up, he went other places, but for some reason I never thought about it. He was one of the first in Afghanistan and went to Iraq for OIF as well. My friends died in Iraq, I lost so many people I loved there. I worked at LRMC, watching Vets suffer from so many different wounds and causes. I wondered how to keep strong then and now, I wonder how to validate all the costs versus the rewards. Are there any rewards when we leave a war as if we never did anything at all?

Yes, we got some justice for the people of Iraq who were persecuted and killed relentlessly by Saddam. And yes, we captured alot of insurgents and put them away, allowing a new government to form in it's place, mildly corrupt versus the outlandishly corrupt one that stood before. Yes, we built schools, roads, hospitals, gave the Iraqi people more freedom than they had known in Saddam's time. I just wonder for the American men and women who served and died, what did we gain? People claimed we fought for oil but, like most conspiracies, that one died on it's own path. They claimed we were the corrupt ones and we weren't. People protested the wars and the funerals of our Soldiers and Marines, Sailors and Airmen. People wasted their right to freedom and abused it by slandering the names of the men and women, blaming them for the war in the first place.

I have always said if you disagree with war, you should still support the men and women fighting it. They didn't choose a war to start but they sure as hell were going to fight to win. I just wonder where the win is, if there is any at all. It's a solemn feeling, remembering those that died in combat and those that came home and died by their own hand due to the PTSD they suffered from unseen war wounds. I pray it's worth it.

Even Steve wonders if it was worth everything. We talked about it and both of us feel this uneasy feeling about leaving. Hoping we didn't leave too soon, hoping the evil doesn't sprout from the ground where good men fought and died. Hoping that the loss of life is worth the freedom for the children that will grow up there. Will they know how much we fought for? Will the Iraqi people forgive us for our wrongdoings, when we obviously are not perfect, and thank us for our actions that were just and mighty? So many questions still linger as there is no longer a war in Iraq to fight. So many possibilities, bad and good, fill a future that no one can know.

As I think about the loss and the ending of a war, I hope you remember the Troops who fought in Operation Iraqi Freedom. Whatever happens, remember them and their families. This War cost more than just money, it cost lives and it cost people innocence. Children grew up faster because their fathers went to war, Children became adults when they recieved the news from the Military that their loved one was dead. Wives became widows, husbands became widowers. Mothers and fathers became childless. Pets became ownerless. That's the true cost of war. Please remember them.

My Veteran's Day Tribute

My military life

I am blessed to be back in this life that I love. This life that I had almost put in my past forever. I am happy with the life that I am blessed to share with my soon-to-be husband, my children, my friends, my family.

I have really awesome friends. Becca and Pody are holding a dinner tonight for Catie and I. Our birthdays are very soon so they invited us over for a double birthday celebration. They are really awesome friends. We act like a family, a close-knit group that readily accepts a new person as one of their own.

I wish I could explain just how the military family works but there really aren't words. When you go through as much as we do, the friends and family of the servicemen and the servicemen themselves... you bond. You share a certain perspective on life and you share certain qualities. There are things that don't matter to us that matter to civilians and there are certain things that matter to us that a civilian would never even think about, because, let's face the facts, they will never have to endure them.

I was born a brat and lived as one for all of my youth, then I find a Soldier who I could't live without and I realize that my life was training for the next step. Being a brat is different than being a wife, however, being a wife is easier for me because I was a brat. If that makes sense. I know exactly what to expect, how this life works, how bonds are formed, how you can be one place one year and then a completely new place the next, forming the same sort of friendships you had in the previous location. Some people are good at that, some aren't. I consider myself lucky that I am able to find these amazing people, no matter where I am. The only time I have ever struggled was the time I spent in the civilian world, where everyone plays by their own rules, not conforming to a standard that respects the key values. For me, the military life is home. For me, that is where friends truly become family, where you become bonded with these people, like Becca and Pody, who make life seem better. 

I think back to two years ago. I had just found out my father was dead and I was struggling to keep together a relationship that in my heart of hearts I knew wasn't going to work. But now, two years later, I am back home, I have an amazing relationship with the man, who in twelve days will be my husband, and friends who are as close in my heart as family. I know where I stand. It might sound absurd, but the Military offers more than people think. It's not just the hardships we endure that make us stronger, but it's the good times, the fact we celebrate life as much as possible, possibly because life, for us, is more fragile. There is more chance that the hardships could strike again and there is nothing we can do to stop it. So we celebrate... birthdays, weddings, holidays, any day, really. We go out in groups, we take care of each other, we care. In this life, that is all we can do to survive and make a life worth remembering. We try to forget the bad parts and focus on what we have to smile about. That is one of our key strengths. Our ability to survive. 

Anyways, I'm going to go, but I just wanted to say how happy I am that this is my life again. How lucky I am to find my true love in this life. I wasn't living my life before. I am now. 

For now and forever,

Leah

My life now... it's amazing

So I just wrote a blog for my ex's fiance. We had a big blow up between us early last year. It seems strange to me now, considering where my life has gone. I went from struggling every day to being so happy and comfortable and having all my dreams come true. I hate to admit this, but my part in everything that went down was not a small one but I am grateful for how I can look at that past mistake as it is... a past mistake.

I am, however, sad that today is the 2nd anniversary of my father's death. Today brings back memories of the day he died. I think the reason I clung so hard to my ex after our break up was how he was to me that day and the horrible days that followed. I had a broken heart due to my father's death and I couldn't see past the darkness except for the comfort I had to cling to. I miss my father, with all my heart but honestly, my father's death meant my life had to change... and it has. Not only did I find my true love but I found my life's purpose, my  goal in life. I am a wonderful mother, whose kids are growing into kind, respectful, polite and playful kids. They are happy, healthy and now have a man who is so much like my father, it sometimes takes my breath away. I, now, have what I'd always wanted and never dreamed of... a soon-to-be husband who loves me completely, who laughs with me, who holds me while I cry, who wants my life to be more about joy and less about surviving. I am marrying someone above the caliber I thought I could. I am marrying a Captain, I am part of the world I felt most at home with again, I am blessed with a comfortable home, plenty of food in my fridge and freezer, room for my children to grow, a community I understand and appreciate. I am truly happy. Truly in love.

This morning, I broke down and cried. Steve was at PT when I woke up and the day... what today is... hit me. I curled up on the couch and cried. When he came home to change, he sat next to me, pulled me into his arms and just held me while I cried. He only let go when I was ready. He kissed me and told me that my father would be proud of me, and then he whispered that he loved me and couldn't wait until I become his wife. I know how blessed my life has become.

Today also held something joyous. My wedding dress arrived. It's the most beautiful gown I have ever owned and probably will. My wedding will be the most wonderful day of my life, not counting the day I had Lily or the day I had Jax, or the days I have Steve's children, which we have planned to start trying for in a year. It is my joy that I can have a big family, a beautiful wedding, and spend the rest of my life with the man I have always wished for but never believed existed.

So, I am not angry anymore. I have moved forward and I am happy. I am in love, I am a million adjectives to describe perfect joy but words aren't enough. What is enough is the knowledge that my life is worth it, that our lives together are worth it, that my children will always be loved and cared for and  comfortable. They do not want for anything, they are spoiled with more toys than they need, more clothes than they need, and have more love than I ever imagined they would, after all my mistakes. We go to church, we eat meals together as a family, we smile and laugh... we read stories before bed, we play together, we do things as a family.

And most importantly, we will always have that.

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Daddy, I miss you still, I always will. You were my first hero and always will be.

Rest in Peace, always loved, forever remembered, endlessly missed.

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Steve, I can't wait to become your wife. Only 15 days!!!! I love you, for now and forever!!! xoxox

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Crystal, be happy, be in love, have the life you want. I hope you do. :)

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Love always,

Leah

Thoughts on past and present love

I am so glad I knew him. Even though, he and I are no longer even friends, I am glad he was in my life for as long as he was. I did love him for who he was but we were never meant to be and one day, I just woke up to the reality and ended our relationship which had lasted for over 18 months. There are good memories that make me tear up to remember but there are countless others that make me feel more grateful to have Steve in my life. I don't like having regrets and although I have more than I'd like, the path of my life is what it was meant to be, I made choices, good or bad and the results and consequences are mine to deal with. I realize sometimes I carry a burden inside that no one ever knows because I can't trust anyone with that shameful part of me that feels like I fail at my ambition to be who I want to be. I spend my life trying to live up to my own expectations and even greater, but like all people, I fail myself daily to do the work, to put in the effort, to hang on and stay strong. I find myself lacking and I realize that I am okay with that because I am human. I am a woman who is capable of many things and do many things, not only for myself, but for those I love, my friends who are family and my family who are friends. 

He was an important part of my life though, for three years we were just friends. We had movie nights with other friends, we played poker and monopoly, we bullshited and joked and had adventures as only friends. And then one day it changed from that. I don't regret it, really because I was able to have another adventure, another chapter in my life. I have memories I wouldn't trade, even though sometimes, the pain I feel of knowing I lost a friend at the end probably will last a lifetime. I value my friendships with my exes. I have several good friends, whom I dated once upon a time. 

Would I trade Steve for my friendship? Never in all the years of the universe. He is my love. Today we were talking and he told me that he planned to be with me forever. I cried because it was the first time he actually said forever and it was the first time anyone has said that to me. I feel so loved and blessed. I am lucky, and I know you can't have it both ways sometimes, but those times there is a tinge of sadness in the happiness that I feel.

Memorial Day, Monday May 30, 2011

I remember my father’s face and I realize that I’ll never see him again. I’m the daughter of a man who served and died under the American Flag. He believed with all his heart that it was his duty, his privilege to fight and die for his Country. He believed in Heaven’s Warrior Angels, that the gates of Heaven are guarded by those United States Servicemen who bravely stood and fought in the dead of night and the burning fires of the day. He believed the greatest gift a man could ever give was his life for his child’s freedom. He believed it was a fair trade, to die in place of another who could live. He believed there wasn’t a choice when it was you or your brothers, if you could save them, it was always them. I don’t know how many times he almost died. I don’t know how many times he almost didn’t make it home and I never will. Secret missions in foreign, far-away lands, danger around every corner, I’ll never know because it eventually caught up to him. He gave Death many others before his time came and when it did, he didn’t hesitate, but willingly went with his brother to the other side. My father is a warrior, even in his Death, for you see, he defends the kingdom of Heaven in all its Glory.

It's Memorial Day and it's a hard day for me. I am always saddened by the loss of life and the fact that it seems unpreventable in realistic terms. I love my friends and family that served. There is no greater love than that of a man willing to give up his life for his friend. God Bless those who serve, past, present and future.

deep thoughts

I have cut ties to some people in my life recently that would like to blame me and call me names, insulting me while trying to get me to open my life up to them again. I refuse to drink a glass of wine with the capsules of poison showing. I have far more in my life than I have ever had. I have a wonderful man, who makes certain that I feel safe and like I don’t have to be alone against the world. He just so happens to be a hero to me in every single way. I know that he is more important to my life than the negative.

Thoughts flow through my head as I try to see the similiarities between myself and them. I know we share so many qualities: We love.  We hate.  We feel torn.  We live. We laugh. We cry.  We hurt… both others and ourselves.  We learn.  We laugh some more. We cry harder.  We scream louder, and then we whisper softer.  We feel ambivalence, and abundance.  We love more.  We hate more. We get to know passion like the back of our hands, and then like any flaming romance it eventually dulls, even bores.  Then we’re faced with the choice:

Do we seek something greater, higher, deeper, and more extravagant? Or are we content with what we have, what we know?

When it comes to emotional roller coasters, I’ve had my share.  And I’ve decided that I’m content and do not need to know a deeper meaning.  I do not need to express my anger over days of insult, childish, dramatic, totally dysfunctional behaviour.  And I don’t wish to associate with those who have reached adulthood and still feel the need.  I love through and true, and I have chosen to love those who matter to me and whom I matter to. I will never be disloyal to someone who has given me nothing but love, when far too many have shown they are no one to turn to.

Life is not easy.  Nor is love.  We learn to communicate effectively to get the responses we need… Or, as the battle of the fittest works we keep losing – over and over again.

I won’t lose anymore sleep over this. I won’t miss her for what she was to me. I’ll only miss the woman she never was. I’ve ended all ties with my mother because she does not love me and no matter how much I wish she would be, she’ll never care about me more than she cares about herself. She won’t love my children with the grandmotherly affections and sweet treats. She hasn’t yet. I can’t put myself through that anymore.

And with him at my side (no matter how far away), I’ve learned that family is supposed to be something of love. My father always loved me, I know that. I have felt the great loss of love, he loved me enough for both my parents. My life is always going to ache for his love, my heart still feels the loss so greatly when I allow myself a moment to think about it. I will always miss him.

Steve allows me to be me. He doesn’t make me think that I am any less than worthy and I could not be more certain that he is my life and love. Why should I live with the pain of someone who will never be offering a hand at the price of a leg when I can have someone that will offer a warm embrace at the cost of a kiss?

Never again will I drink the poisoned wine, never again will I fight a battle with someone who is childish and selfish. For the rest of my life, I want happiness. I’m old enough to realize that life is short, I want mine to be full of happiness and worthy challenges to accomplish.

thank you, 2010, for my Soldier

Dear World,

I can hardly believe that 2010 is over, that in an hour and a half, 2011 will be upon us. I am still amazed by the events of this past year. 

This time last year, I was living in a completely different place, with a man who didn't deserve my love, nor loved me back. I had a dog, whom I miss so much and was so far from home, it hurt my heart daily. Then the year passed and and alot changed.

I met this man, this amazingly honorable and sweet man who although I didn't know it at the time, would piece my heart back together and give me so much hope and faith for a future full of love, happiness and peace. That together we could have a truly epic and lasting relationship. He encouraged me in whatever dreams came into my fancy as well as found a way to protect me from the hardships this world sometimes placed in my path.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed that one person would share my dreams, happiness and energy. I could never see his face, but he was always there and I always knew he was out there, somewhere, in the world, that I just needed to find him and feel his heart with mine. I visualized the bond we would have and the courage he would give me to endure life's obstacles. All these years, I was with others, feeling my way through life, learning lessons that would would prepare me to become the person that I am now. I have been hurt and abandoned, I have felt alone and sad. Then one day, my eyes opened and I was that little girl again, realizing that he was there, finally, at last. That in my world was the man that I had dreamed of and I'd hoped would not miss our meeting in life... and that man is my Captain, my heart, my everything.

In 2011, I shall start the year with the love of my life calling me (or skyping, I don't yet know which). We have talked about our plans for the year and our wishes. He told me that this year will be the best year of my life, and I hope he's right, because as long as he is in it, I believe that it will be. I love him, with all my heart and soul, for now and forever.

Love, Leah

PS. I also begin School on Monday and he comes home for r&r in just a couple weeks. I am so thrilled, my heart beats faster whenever I think on it.

May the best of last year be the worst of next.

the military brat ... :)

• Actually like the clothes at the PX and don't mind that 100 other people are wearing the same thing.
• All your former very best friends are as long gone as your last move.
• Always wish you were back at the last place you were stationed even 20 years later.
• Answer the question "where are you from" with "I'm kinda from all over the place"
• Are able to imitate others speech patterns easily
• Are amazed at people who have lived somewhere more than three years.
• Are amazed at people who have never left their hometown.
• Are amazed at people who have never seen foreign currency.
• Are amazed at people who think Frankfurt is a some kind of hotdog.
• Are asked "where did you learn to speak English so well"
• Are asked is it hard always moving around when you don't know anything else.
• Are brought to tears by military music.
• Are going to a grocery store but call it a commissary.
• Are initially confused when asked where are you from but quickly respond "everywhere!"
• At 22 you are trying to find someone in the military to marry so you can get a new ID card.
• Avoid visiting the doctor because you don't trust civilian hospitals.
• Bagged groceries at the commissary on payday.
• Can ask for a beer in most European languages.
• Can bounce a quarter off your bedsheets and have hospital corners on your bed.
• Can call up actual memories of a country while you're in Geography class.
• Can identify ranks and duty station by the stickers on the car's bumper.
• Can not speak the language of the country in which you were born.
• Can recite all the AFRTS commercials along with the elevision.
• Can remember ordering a Big Mac, fries, and beer.
• Can still convert foreign currency in your head.
• Can talk to anyone and everyone from anywhere and everywhere.
• Can't drink Budweiser without being coerced.
• Do not understand why many of your friends are afraid to be in an airplane.
• Don't feel quite right seeing military personnel younger than you.
• Don't really know how to answer the question "what is your hometown."
• Don't remember the names of your childhood friends.
• Draw a quick map of the world to show someone where you last lived.
• Ever got sick eating chocolate field rations.
• Every room you've ever had was stark white and you couldn't put nail holes in the walls
• Everyone complains about your name being the most scratched out in their address book.
• Everywhere you go you think you see someone you went yo school with.
• Expect someone else to do your housework but can't afford it.
• Feared turning 21 because they would take your id card away.
• Feel like you should be visiting the states rather than living in them.
• Feel more at home on a military base than in town even though you've been a civilian for 26 years
• Feel more comfortable living near a military base and get bummed out when a base gets closed.
• Felt like a part of history that was happening around you.
• Find that you can easily amuse yourself for hours at airports, train or bus stations.
• Graduated from a high school you only attended for a year.
• Had Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners in a mess hall.
• Have a very best lifelong friend who you have known for less than a few years.
• Have been asked just where in NY is APO.
• Have to explain that being born in Germany does not make you a German.
• Have forgotten how to speak more languages than most people ever learn.
• Have USAA as your insurance company.
• Know exactly how horrible AFN commercials are.
• Knew the rank and name of the kid next door's father before meeting the kid next door.
• Know kilometers better than miles and Celsius better than Fahrenheit.
• Know that Radio Luxembourg was the number one way to keep up with the latest rock and roll hits.
• Know the words and tune to military march songs.
• Know what "the land of the big PX is."
• Know what the "land of the round door knob is."
• Left school frequently for bomb scares.
• Listened to Armed Forces and VOA radio for the 1st 10 years of your life.
• Miss shopping at AAFES or the PX.
• Most of your Scout camping equipment had US instead of BSA stamped on it.
• Munched on hot brotchen and gummies on the way to school.
• Name schools in three countries on two continents when asked what high school you attended.
• Never quite finished decorating your place because you knew you'd be moving soon.
• Notice Tom Cruise in uniform, outside with no hat and having a non-regulation haircut in Top Gun.
• Panic when you can't find you ID or passport.
• Put your hand over your heart at 5 p.m. knowing the flag was coming own ...somewhere.
• Realize that the latest fashion in the states is not the same clothes you bought on base.
• Remember being able to watch the Super Bowl or World Series live on TV at 2 a.m.
• Stand up for the National Anthem at the start of a movie in a theater.
• Thought all pens had "US Government" printed on them.
• Thought that the quartermaster was the real Santa Claus.
• Thought vacations meant going stateside to visit the grandparents.
• Try to take out your ID card when you enter a grocery store.
• Went into hysterics when your grandparents thought of selling their house.
• Wonder if dad signed a hand receipt when you were born.
• You are confused when you fiancee talks about watching trees grow large in front of the house.
• You went on week-long field trips to England, France and Italy.
• You'd been to every Gasthaus in Germany before you were 18.
• Your ssn, home of record, state of residence, and place of birth are far from matching.
• Know PCS meant pack your toys and say see ya later

I'm finally going home

Goodbye, Canada. I'm done with you. You've brought me almost nothing good. Other than my two beautiful children, you have broken me almost beyond repair. I am just now coming back to life and it's because of an American man who brings the joy into my life.

To my ex

It's done. It's been done for a few months now. How did it end? If I recall correctly it was me realizing you just didn’t care about me. No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough and I finally figured out that there was nothing I could do. After that, you thought you would get your revenge by claiming you liked someone else, some dumb girl you barely knew, but who I know is so much like me, it’s twisted. Well your plan worked. It broke my heart. Even though I had wanted to end it, knowing you weren’t with me even while we were still together killed me. I was shattered into a million little pieces, and thought there was nothing in the world that could put me back together.

But something did. It was my new found self confidence. When I realized I deserved so much better than you, the pieces very slowly began to reassemble. And then I began noticing. That more and more guys would smile at me, try to talk to me, give me compliments. That made the pieces come together more quickly. The best part about it was, I never needed to get revenge in order to become whole again. Hurting you wouldn't make me feel any better, because I simply didn't care about you anymore. You broke my heart, made me feel like shit, and then did it again. Now all I see are those wasted months with you, the time spent waiting for you to show you cared.

 

So now I'm putting that last piece back together. I've found someone who cares, a man who embodies all the qualities I dreamed of as a little girl, before you and the others hurt me. And I am falling in love with him every day. And there is no doubt in my mind that you are completely gone. I don't ever think about you when I'm with him. There are no lingering thoughts about us in my head, about "what could have been". This isn't one of those stories where I realized I've always still loved you. No. In fact, I don't know if I ever loved you, because now that I know what true love is, I know what I felt when I was with you sure as hell wasn't this.

So in a sense my happiness is my sweet little revenge.

June 24th, 2010

Today, I miss my Dad. I look at his flag and I wish it was him instead. Days like these, when I realize just how long it's been I get sad.





I remember before the war. I remember before the fighting started, before I started losing people I knew. I was 11 when 9-11 happened. My dad was in Special Ops. My life was forever changed...



I almost wish I didn't remember the peace. I have spent so long worried and waiting for news from far away. I have witnessed the injured coming home and buried the dead with a heavy heart. I have always known the sacrifice and the cost that had to be paid so we could be as safe as possible. And now, almost 9 years later, I'm still waiting for them to come home. Still waiting for the time when I can go to sleep and not send a little prayer to the heavens to watch out for all those that are there, all those that serve. I am still waiting for the peace of mind I haven't had since I was a little girl.



Nine long years. I still remember being Interviewed by the callous reporters at the front gates of base. Asking me how I felt, how the war affected me, what my views are. How they could ask a young girl of only 13 those questions, when her father was somewhere classified, gone for however long he was gone, always wondering when he'd be home. I hated the news then and I still do. It causes me such pain to watch the names and faces appear on my tv screen. The ones that will never come home, the ones I knew, the ones I didn't.

It doesn't help having the memories or experiences I have, nor does it help to know that so many friends I knew are gone and there are still more that serve, more joining daily. I write letters to them, I pray for them, I miss them. I hope tomorrow feels better but today I'm sad and missing the peace that I used to have. The kind of peace that existed before these wars. The kind of peace that, for me, only existed briefly. Two years between the abuse of one life and the wars of another. Two years where I was a child... Today, I miss that peace, the kind of comfort I had.

 

Today, most of all, I miss my dad. I look at his flag, place my hand upon the stiching of a star, trace the outline, line up his rack, even though it never moves, delicately touch his rank and the airforce seal. I stare at his name and think of his face, his smile, him in uniform, him in his Blues... All those memories bring tears to my eyes and I lean it, kiss the flag that was given to me to honour his service, and lay my cheek against the firmly folded fabric and a tear rolls from my eyes. I miss him so very much and long for his hug, when I laid my head on his chest and his big, strong arms would wrap around me. I miss his hugs and the flag just doesn't hug me back. My tears fall into it. I'm not crying for him, I know he's in Heaven. I'm crying for me. For the hole he left behind.

 

I miss the peace, the kind I had before the war. At Ruby Tuesdays, with my Dad and my Mom and everything was fine and safe.

I'm not angry anymore

I have let go of his ghost. He no longer haunts me. I am ready for a fresh start. Maybe with that Soldier who seems really amazing and smart. He's an officer which is rare for me but I think, maybe, there's potential. At least I hope to hell there is potential. He seems pretty awesome so far. We just started talking but we'll see.

he doesn't deserve me.

i know that that's what everyone's been telling me for months, and ive known it was true. but now i feel it. i feel it in my heart that i am too good for him. he wasn't any good for me. he hurt me, he rejected me, he made the corners of my soul cave in. he made me happy for such a short time, and even then it was full of ups and downs. and i deserve better than that. i deserve a boy that loves me, that truly knows me fully and completely and is in love with every bit of me. i deserve a guy that always wants to be with me and will do anything for me. i deserve a man who makes me happy.

and i believe he exists. i believe now that someday, i will find my perfect match. i haven't been optimistic in months. i've spent so much time alone, dwelling on him, on the one that broke my heart. and i haven't been able to see that this isn't the end. i'm young, i have the rest of my life ahead of me. one day, i will find that person and we will fall crazily and madly in love. he exists. and it's okay if i don't find him anytime soon. i'm not going to go out there and search for him. because you know what? i do believe in soulmates. i believe that everyone has someone made just for them. and today, today i felt that hope inside of me. that i will find my soulmate. and that this guy, this stupid guy that broke me is not him. so why am i wasting my life crying over him? from now on, i'm just going to let go. i know i won't completely get over him right away, but i'm not going to spend any more time sitting at home when i could be living my life. i'm letting go of him because i don't need him.

i'm going to live. i'm going to have a love for life. and i'm going to be happy.

....

No magic mirror or sequined mask could hide us from our inner selves,
we don't need a long gaze to know who we are,
a quick glimpse with a blind eye could render a million confessions...
it's what we choose to let in which will ultimately let us out,
it's how we choose which causes the effect
and right now no one wants an easier life than I.
And I remember, I remember everything,
the happy, the sad, the vacant, the highs,
the lows, and the laughter no matter what the cause.
And I miss it, probably more than I should,
because it was such a warm white spot in my life,
like the eye of a hurricane
or that comfortable silent moment after my memories fade
and before my nightmares begin.
Somewhere in there I found it and I've been longing for it ever since.
But the world revolves, life evolves, hearts resolve, everything is changing.
And through this ever shifting series of events
we find ourselves in need of pause and reflection.
Sometimes it can be good
and sometimes the face staring back at us is more than we can bare.
In time this will all pass,
in time this will all be nothing more
than a dusty memory sitting upon an aging shelf
in someone's senescent mind,
in time it will crumble
like the remnants of a decaying photograph and we won't have to look at it anymore.
Scars won't heal if we pick them,
and recollections won't fade if we keep remembering them.

Never again

Never again will I allow my brain to be mislead by my heart. I made a mistake with you. You tried to destroy me and you nearly did. The worst part, I let you.