New friends

Ok, I know I've been super sparatic at updating my blog, but this time I have something awesome to say. I have made a new friend. She's pretty awesome and kind of has a similar life as me. She grew up as a Military brat (Marines, not AF Spec Ops but still badass). Her husband is a Captain in the same course as mine, he was also in the Cav like mine before becoming an officer, like mine. We both want to be apart of a flash mob (which actually got us talking lol) and we have the same similar complaints about Army life while both being super proud and happy to be part of the Army life. To think, I've waited my whole life for someone like her!! haha!

Seriously though, to finally find a friend who can relate to almost everything is pretty fantastic. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends. Meg and Liz are crazy awesome. Megan and I can talk about everything and it doesn't ever get weird (and by everything I mean all that girl stuff and guy stuff and random stuff) and Liz and I talk about so much, but can we relate to everything? No. Can we expect anyone else to relate to who you are as a person? No but having someone come super close is pretty awesome, you have to admit.

Let's call her "Bee". Bee is very cool and very fun it seems. What excites me most is that we'll both be in the FRG together (and we both hate the Virtual one). Our husbands will be in class together and we will finally have a wife in the same unit as ourselves who doesn't give a crap about rank or ... let's call it Officer Wife politics (or as I've affectionately referred to it in the past "Petty Army Wives"). The best part is: we're going to have dinner together next week and meet in person.

See, I added this group on Facebook (or as I call it in my phone and to people in my daily life: Crackbook)  dedicated to the Army Wives here to make friends or at the very least find out what's what about this new post and after saying I wanted to have a playdate (which I did... yesterday, I guess since it's after midnight here) I added a bunch of wives. Anyways, tonight I was watching Greek (go ahead, laugh, I enjoy cheesy things like that), I saw a flash mob in a dance contest and started youtubing and went on Crackbook saying that I wanted to do one. Well, after a couple hours, Bee told me she knew someone who did them and that we should talk. One thing led to another and we started agreeing with pretty much everything the other said about this and that ranging from everything to hating the rank-pulling wives and the wives who belittle brats because we obviously "don't know anything." It was awesome to talk to someone. Then Bee asked me to be her bff saying "I'm going to be cheesy and ask you to be my bff." Of course I said yes, because HELLO, SHE'S AWESOME! And we arranged to have dinner next week, exchanged numbers and plan on doing dinner next week.

I really am excited by this. I mean, it's been so long since I met someone that I can really be friends with. Don't get me wrong, I still love the girls I met at Fort Polk, but I wasn't really close to any of them, even though I wanted to be. But here, I have an opportunity to build a really good friendship, hopefully a lifetime friend, which these days, let's face it, is a pretty rare thing.

So I am happy and I'm excited and I can't wait to have dinner with Bee. I can't wait to find out what this place will hold next.

Much Love.

Drama never stops

So today was a bad day. I won't go into too much detail but I had more bullshit petty army wife drama to deal with. It was the same shit I had to go to Family advocacy about. The worst part is that I just had my surgery on Monday so I was in pain and then when people I didn't want at my house showed up, I was scared (and pain and fear = anger for me), so I got mad and used my anger to make me feel stronger. And since I was angry, I wasn't open to what was happening and might have made things a tiny bit worse than I intended. The only good part was that my husband came home and we had all our ducks in a row. He helped me calm down and answer all these people's questions. I was so angry though and basically went off on this woman for being cold-hearted (She told me that my surgery or the pain I was feeling didn't matter, her words). They told me that I have to take my kids to see a doctor. Well, you dumbass bitch, I do that anyways, like on Monday when they have shots again! I also have an appointment for my daughter in Alexandria on March 20th!  When they finally left, I broke down. I cried and hugged Beau. Steve took Lily to dance class and promised to bring home pizza for dinner. After he left, I called my best friend and told her what happened. She was with me in spirit, because sadly, she's too far away to be here in person. I'm so glad I was able to talk to her about the whole thing. I wouldn't be able to handle all that has been going on without her or Steve. Between the two of them, they keep me going and keep me smiling (along with my babies, all four of them :P)

See, Steve and I make a great team in anything we do. Where I'm over-emotional, he's calm and steadfast. Where I am more creative, he's more practical. And today, his calmness was necessary and my anger was an obstacle.



What I don't understand, and probably never will, is the extent of how truly low people get. I mean, I should know by now it happens, but for some reason, that always escapes me. Maybe I'm too naive or maybe I have just seen so much evil that I search for the good in everyone and that one good quality I find, blinds me to the reality of them. After all, I was kidnapped, I was abused, I have gone through emotional pain that I wouldn't wish on anyone. My biological father kidnapped me and abandoned me with strangers just to keep me from my mother, but she didn't treat me any better than he did when I was finally given back to her (after almost 4 years).  I was an abused child, beaten and emotionally torn apart by my mother. I was the pawn in a war between my grandmother and her. My father (my step-father, but real father of my heart) was the only person who gave me love in my house as a child and he didn't know until my late teens what was going on and by then, he was a full-blown alcoholic, incapable of stopping it. I was beat by a boyfriend or two (like I said in a previous blog, I've made mistakes) and I have been cheated on. I lost the only parent I ever had that loved me and have no connection to my biological parents at all.

Maybe the fact that I've seen so much bad, lived through so much hell, is the reason I never expect it anymore. Actually, I thought had ended when I married Steve. Maybe that was also naive to believe. But everything was so much better with him. He knew all my scars and he knew all my pain. He never used it against me or made me feel like it made me a bad person. If anything, he saw that my past makes me more compassionate, more willing to see the good in everyone, even people I don't like. He knows that I love animals because they aren't mean by nature, that I have to have a pet otherwise my heart hurts (yep, I really feel depressed without something to pet and love on and get unconditional love from). Luna became mine because my old cat (Riot) disappeared and I couldn't find her anywhere. I was so depressed. So he let me adopt Luna. When Beau came, he knew he wasn't getting out of us keeping him unless someone claimed him and no one has.

He knows that I can't even spank my kids because it makes me feel horrible. I never want to be my mother. I would kill myself first. Even the moments where I yell at them, I feel like I'm too much like her. I spend time with my kids. I encourage their activities. I want them to be themselves. I spoil them. I was never really spoiled by my mother and if it weren't for the fact that she was expected to let me have activities, she would have kept me home, locked up in my room. It was my dad who let me date (surprise!) and it was my Dad who took me shopping for clothes I actually wanted to wear. If she had her way, I would have only worn pink and white and dresses. I hated those colors and dresses until I was in my early 20s. I had such a horrible mother that I do everything possible to be better than her and to be more like my Gram.

My Gram is my inspiration of what a mother, what a grandmother and what a woman in general should be like. She's amazing. She's strong and stubborn and full of life (even in her 70s!) and wonderful. All of her kids love her, all of her grandkids love her. She's my grandfather's second wife and ever since I was about 7 or 8, maybe a little older, I've called her Gram. She's never treated me like I wasn't one of her Grandkids, even though she also hates my mother (it's something we both agree on, that she's a liar and crazy and not worth having in your life at all). She's a great cook, was a great wife to both her husbands (her first husband, Jack, died before I was born, I believe and is the father of her two sons and one daughter) and buried two husbands. She's so strong and honestly, there aren't words that can describe her. She'll yell at you, cuss at you, and tell you she loves you in the same conversation. She'll make the best fudge ever and spoil you with her food and then tell you why you aren't doing something right. She'll tell you not to screw it up when everything is going right.  She's still up early in the morning, helps my cousins watch their kids since they live close to her and makes time to talk to me at least once every couple of weeks, usually every week. I love her so much.

I've had this amazing inspiration on my life and she doesn't fit the normal mold for "Grandmother" at all. And I love that about her. I don't want her to be normal. I like who she is, and I want to be like her. In some ways, I am. I'm stubborn like her and I tell people like is like her. I hope in all ways I can be like her. It's my greatest wish. She isn't normal and that's what makes her perfect. :)

So because I have these great people in my life, from my husband, my perfect partner, my soulmate, my husband, to my best friends to my Gram, I have so many people watching to make sure that I am the best I can be. They make sure I'm a good mother, a good wife, they talk me down from the "I'm about to do something crazy/stupid/_fillintheblank_" place I can sometimes get and they encourage my happiness.

Plus I couldn't imagine ever hurting my children. WHO COULD HURT A CHILD?? And why would someone believe I would?!? But I know the truth, that petty wife, she doesn't actually believe I am neglecting my children (I have proof up the waszoo that I don't!), she just hates me enough and judges me based on the handful of times we've actually seen each other. That's what hurts the most. What kind of person does she think I am? Like her?? NOPE! And proud to be not only a better mother than she thinks, but clearly a better person than she is.

So today, I dealt with more shit that I wanted to and I can't sleep again because of it. The stress is eating at me and I really need a vacation but the good news is in 25 days I am out of this place and I can't wait!!!!


Anyways, I'm off to do something else. Good night.


PS. I hope that nothing I said tonight makes you think less of me, this is the honest truth of what I've been through, maybe not every detail but enough so you get the gist.


Update at 10:50am Friday Morning:::


I called BJach to make an appointment with Maj. Savage (their Pediatrician) and when they asked why I was blunt and told them... The nurse on the line told me You aren't the only one whose pissed off an army wife. I've been there. It made me feel better. She is going to call me back to see if I can just get an overview of Lily's last appointment to send to Family Advocacy and be done with it. :) Yay! I'm glad I'm not the only one who has pissed off a petty wife and I'm glad that people aren't being cruel about it or judging me instantly based on that. Yayness.

Petty Army Wife rant

I'm really beginning to think it's petty army wife month, between my own bullshit going on and others... Why is it that we can't all just either get along or accept our differences of opinion and act like adults?? I would never do what has been done to me and I can't even imagine why people do things like that to others. Maybe I'm too nice of a person and only get mad about things that matter to me, but if I say to leave me alone, that's all I mean. I won't bring it up to other people, or if I do, I won't use your name... that's how I am. I will tell my friends what's going on but leave names out of it just so I can vent to a friend. If others vent to me, I try to leave names out of it, but I don't like the petty bullshit and I'm done with it. Seriously, grow up and act like an adult instead of like we're all in high school. 

It bugs the hell out of me. And if I weren't who I am, I would drag this woman's name through the mud, out of hiding and blast her online. But I'm nice and above that. I really hate her and just want her in my past, a thought I never think about again. I even know when and where she works out (Steve told me) and if I wanted to confront her, which I really do badly, I would go there, but I won't because I know it would end badly and even my best friend told me not to. AND FYI my best friend doesn't even know this woman's name because I simply don't do that. If I can be above things like that and be raging mad like I am (shaking and furious) why can't everyone else?

So many people claim to want "World Peace" but honestly so many of those people who want peace or just to be out of war are the ones who cause the most drama. It bugs me so much. Especially people who use religion as why they can judge other people and spread lies about them.

I'm done, I'm over it and just want to say::

Yes I am loud and outgoing. Yes, I have tattoos and bright dyed raspberry red hair. I wear jeans and cowboy boots and tshirts with weird sayings on them. I don't meet anyone's expectations of what an Officer's wife should look like or act like, but guess what? My husband married me KNOWING who I am. He loves me, with all my tattoos, dyed hair, clothing style, attitude! He knows who I am and what I am and before anyone judges me based on my outer qualities, maybe they should get to know my heart...

I am the type of person who will help my worst enemy in their time of need. The type of person who volunteers to help animals or at risk youth, just so they'll have the hope of a better life. I am the kind of woman who will bend over backwards to do the right thing even if it hurts me.


The part that I wish EVERYONE could understand is that your behavior makes you who you are. NOT your beliefs, not your husband's rank, not how you dress or what clothes you wear or even your personality. It's how you act towards other people, those you like and those you don't like. It's how you act towards all living creatures that matters. 

We aren't in high school. We're in the Army life, the Military life and each one of us faces our own battles on a daily basis with this life. How is it that we can't just find it in each other to make peace with our differences, to move on and accept one another as we come? Why is it that we are worse than a bunch of high school girls and guys with all their cliques and bullying and drama? Why haven't we grown up? 

Update on Yesterday

Well, let me start this by saying that I am still in pain from my surgery yesterday and still frustrated by that particular army wife who made a false complaint against me.

This morning, I woke up at 830 (after me up and down all night) to the realtor being here to take pictures. I quickly went and made my bed and the kids' beds and made sure my room was neat and organized. After that, I checked my messages to find out I had to go to this meeting with the caseworker too, just to clear myself from the accusations made against me. That went well, considering the amount of pain and aggravation I was feeling. The accusations were this: That my daughter is too small, that they need to see a dentist, that they "smelled funny". I know for a fact who did it now, after hearing those. Firstly, let me say that I am tiny, at five2 and one hundred pounds (seriously, it's less than that right now but that's my average), why wouldn't my daughter be smaller? Secondly, both my kids have been to see a dentist and Lily has her major appointment on the 22nd. Jax has nothing severe and is waiting until after we PCS (no biggie). Thirdly, my daughter sprayed both her and her brother down with a perfume that even I find stinks awfully. So there was no real claim made. It was entirely bullshit.

After hearing that we probably wouldn't have to deal with it again, I was relieved but still upset by this wife in question. A million ways to get revenge ran through my mind but I'm too moral for some and others are just worthless.

Now my kids and I are home, my husband went back to work and we are sitting here after lunch (the kids ate, I couldn't yet) watching the Lion King and relaxing. My pain killers are kicking in so after the movie the kids will go for a nap and I will fully unwind.

All of this shit that's been going on makes me really despise how gossipy and just plain ignorant some wives are. I love my girls on RBL but honestly, if it had been one of them who had made the complaint, I probably would have deleted them right away, cutting them off from a great support group, because I'm just that mean. I am a mother and I'm so protective of my young. Don't mess with them ever.

UPDATE on the Update:::

So my husband had a meeting with his commander and told him what was going on. Except the way I think it happened was by telling whoever that I had a problem with a wife and this was her revenge. I'm seriously sick of this shit. I feel like one person is causing so many problems, none of which I deserve. I got mad at my husband because the words he told me made me think he just made it seem all on my part and it's not even true... (see Don't Wear His Rank for what happened there) and now he seems to be taking the Army's side and just saying it doesn't matter at all who did it. Then he tried to say that the accusations were the same as if someone had accused me of abusing a herd of goats! Really? That's so not the same thing. These are my kids! I went through 9 months of pregnancy for each one and the hardships of being a single mother. I seriously don't even see how he could say that was the same thing but it's not. I have gone through so much to take care of them and I've done nothing wrong. I don't need some arrogant bitch saying things about me that are untrue and there is nothing I can do other than my best and having my husband is great but sometimes I feel like the Army gets more of his loyalty than I do. I know, I know... if the Army wanted him to have a wife, they would have issued him one, but I am willing to sacrifice almost anything for his career, but not my children, never my children. I'm sorry, but I can't even go there. I love them more than life itself, they are my future, his future, our future.

I'm just upset and angry at this bullshit. It's not fair and I don't deserve to go through it.

Pissed and Pain

I don't really have much to say or much to say that's nice or even that should be aired on the world wide web, but let me say this first, before I go into other things::: IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME, take it up with me. Don't go behind my back to start shit that ends up involving my husband and his chain of command, especially since it's so unfounded. You hate me, that's great. I hate you too, and let's just put it this way, if I could, I would sink as low as you did. But I can't, because that would go against my moral code and I can't be a lifeless piece of shit like you. (The person who wronged me, she knows who she is...)

The other stuff...

I had my surgery today and wow, I am in so much pain. The worst part was that they didn't give me my prescription until I'm dripping blood out of my mouth and stuck waiting for over a half hour for them. So I'm stuck, bleeding all over myself, having to pee, not wanting to be seen in public bleeding all over and only wanting to go hide at home in bed. I finally got my prescriptions and while I love my husband, sometimes he's clueless. I ended up snapping at him, grabbing all of my stuff out of the truck and going inside to finally use the bathroom and take my prescription and then telling him to just go to work if he wasn't going to do anything helpful. I was mad at him for not being able to help me for whatever stupid reason and the fact is I transfer pain to anger and don't even think about it. I'd rather be angry than be in pain and weak.  Anyways, he went back to work and then came home shortly before five to tell me that someone (I am almost a hundred percent positive who) made a complaint to family advocacy about us, one that is no way founded (really, I can't even think of what it might be except my daughter is smaller than average, but then again, so am I!!!)  I seriously have so much going on and then some asshole or bitch (most likely the bitch who I wrote about in Don't wear his rank) goes and makes a complaint against me, using my kids. I'm so furious. I know she hates me but seriously, I don't even think her other than the fact that she's got a decent husband and she wears her husband's rank like she earned it (which FYI NONE OF US FRIGGIN EARNED his RANK!!!) I avoid her as much as possible but I found out that our kids were in daycare today together and that she pulled her son out about an hour before the complaint was lodged against us. Seriously??? Now I'm just pissed and in pain from the surgery. And tomorrow, my husband is bringing the kids records and going to this meeting to prove there is nothing wrong and that we are taking care of them. It isn't a complaint that we beat them or anything, because that would have been kicked to the civilian world and not the Army Family Advocacy.

I seriously hate people who use my kids to get to me. They deserve to see me and a glock.

I'm out because I'm too pissed off.


PS. If I offended anyone today, I don't give a rat's ass. This is my blog, my place to write and I've been personally offended by some bitch who attacked me using my kids. Grow a pair of balls!!!

Don't wear his rank

I love my husband. When I met him, I remember thinking "I can't fall for this guy. He might be perfect but he's an officer and he's about to deploy in a few months." You see, I'm an enlisted man's daughter, who grew up with rank segregation. I knew that officers were uptight and high strung. I knew that as someone who had grown up enlisted that I would always have a problem with that attitude.

Already I had a wife of a 1LT give me the officer's wife rundown. I was shocked and appauled considering how I don't only care about my husband's career enough to have a public face around his co-workers and superiors but I care enough not do have fun the way I used to, before I became his wife. I never want to be the officer's wife who has a stick up her butt, who acts like her husband is better than everyone else, who thinks she's better than other wives because of her husband's rank. Because she's not. He's not. I respect everyone but I know for a fact that no one, no matter the rank, is any better than anyone else.

I am a TSgt's daughter, first and foremost. I have enlisted friends, I have enlisted brothers. I married an officer but it wasn't because of his rank or even that he was in the Army (although, for me, it was a plus). I love my husband for the man he is, the fact that he's an officer, well, it almost turned me off to who he is completely because I've only ever met a few officers before him that I liked enough to even be friends with, and never met one I wanted to be with in a romantic sense. He changed my mind about that. Partially because when he told me he was enlisted first, I thought well, he's got to be smarter than the normal officer. And it turned out he was smarter, funnier, more down to earth.

We don't like hanging out with other officers. My friends here are enlisted and although, we do know a few nice and good officers, we aren't very social with them. We like to stick around the house, hanging as a family, keeping our complaints about this and that to ourselves.

When I got the officer wife rundown, I came home and told my husband. He works with hers (they shall both remain nameless because I'm not out to start drama) and he told me it doesn't matter because what she said wasn't true. I do what I'm responsible for, showing up at functions and being part of the FRG, helping the other wives, being nice and realizing that I do represent him. So I'm a little bit more honest and blunt than most, so I'm a little more wild and free naturally. So I dye my hair bright red and wear jeans and cowboy boots with tshirts, so I am an artist and not a normal "officer's wife" that's ok with me. And, even more importantly, that's ok with my husband.

He married me knowing just about everything about me. My flaws and faults and what I could bring into our relationship. He knew that I would be a good mother with enough history to know what I was responsible for as his wife. He knew I could cook and he knew I could make him look good at certain times. I do things for him because I love him. I represent him at different functions because that's what I'm supposed to do. And he knew the rest, the fact that I swear more than most girls, the fact that I'm more comfortable with a firearm in my hands in the woods than I am with a bunch of ladies discussing how to decorate an Army function. He knows who I am absolutely and I don't hide that from him.

So having another wife, especially one that has less history than I do, tell me that I'm not representing him properly, when my husband has never once complained or even let on that he was unhappy with how I behaved or acted in front of his co-workers and superiors, lets me know that she spoke out of line and she judged me based on my hair, my clothes and my 'don't-give-a-damn-what-you-think' way that I walk and talk. I don't give a damn but when it comes to my husband, I do. I'm a damn good wife and a damn good mother. I can make it through the rough patches that a Military life undoubtedly has in store and I've been through the absolute worse as a daughter. I dress up nice, put a sweet smile on my face, and can hold a conversation with the Lt. Col. of our unit and then have a nice chat with one of the lower enlisted soldiers at the same time.

It doesn't really matter about rank, what matters to me is the person wearing the rank or the person who stands beside him/her. If someone is a Lt. Col and an asshole, I'm not going to talk to him/her much, but if his wife is sweet, doesn't wear his rank, acts like a proper Army wife and carries herself with dignity, then I will like her. If a Sgt's wife wears his rank and acts superior to those who are below her husband and their wives/husbands, well I'm going to dislike her. That's just the way it is.

The wife who gave me the rundown will probably never read this blog, because we aren't friends, but if she were to ever run across it. I would love to tell her that she's in the wrong and that her wearing his rank, acting like she earned it... well, she's acting far too superior for her own and her husband's good. I may not do anything to harm her family by complaining to my husband, but I'm sure I'm not the first wife she's talked to, which means I won't be the last. One day, she's eventually going to start something with someone else, who won't be as good about letting go.

To other wives who read this, and even the girlfriends, please know, that your husband or boyfriend's rank is his. You didn't earn it and you don't deserve to wear it or act like it's yours. You may have stood beside him and given him unconditional love and supported him and made sacrifices for him, but you agreed to that and you also agreed to help his career any way you could. And wearing his rank, well, to be honest, I've seen it hurt relationships and his career. You don't want to be that wife.

Anyways, I was just thinking about that today and I thought I'd share my thoughts on the matter.

Much love.