Dentists suck

So I finally found out why I have had a much harder time with this last surgery and it's because the dentist left half a tooth in my gums where he was supposed to extract. Yea, what a guy! The worst part is I wasn't even premeded when he poked me seven times with a needle to numb me up and I have a severe phobia of needles.

See, most people look at my tattoos and assume I can take needles but what un-tattooed people fail to realize is that tattoos aren't really needles, they are more of a needle pen, like a safety pin scratching at a few lays of skin and putting dye in it's place. And for all seven of my tattoos, including my rib piece, none of them hurt quite as badly as having seven needles inserted into my mouth stone-cold-sober. I cried. I'll admit it, I broke down and had a serious cry, right there in the dentist chair while they waited for the numbing to set in. Finally after two hours, I was free to go home with more stitches (this time the dissoluble kind) and just as much pain as last Monday, which seriously hurt like hell. I'm in alot of pain but to make matters worse::

We left Beau alone at the house for the first time and he made a horrible mess of things. He broke my two ornamental glass pepper jars (the ones where the peppers are stored in vinegar) causing my kitchen to reek, tore apart some blinds in my bedroom, killed my fish (Rest in peace, Brodeur and Rudy, I'll get your "sons" when we move) and broke my alarm clock. I was furious, of course and put him in the kennel for over an hour while I cleaned. You can bet your ass that the next time we leave the house, that is exactly where he is going.

I want to keep Beau still, nothing could really change my mind there, but I won't have a dog ruining my home or my things, that is where I have to draw the line, but if I can prevent his treacherous behavior in the future, I have no problems with keeping him. After all, the guilt of putting him into a shelter would be far too great.

Anyways, Steve feels pretty bad for me today, knowing I got no sleep last night and knowing I have a showing in about 10 minutes on the house and feeling the way I do. He was sweet and took the kids to the park so I could just deal with Beau and Luna and still that seems like alot when I add the fact that I'm not comfortable with strangers being in my house at all. Especially when all I want to do is crawl into bed and hide from the world. I am desperate to go to sleep and get out of pain.

Anyways, that's all for now.

Leah.

Weekend of March 8th

Well this weekend has been interesting to say the least. Steve and I finally managed to have a decent talk and it only took him blowing up over the smallest thing.

I know we love each other and I know we are both stressed out and worried about everything that has been going on, each for our own reasons. The thing is, we don't fight. I know that sounds made up but for us, it's really true. I think we've had two or maybe three fights in our entire two years together. We have disagreed and one of us has been mad at the other but we've never really had a fight that results in me crying because he's a jerk... but this weekend we did and although we made up, the fact that we have fought at all hurts and makes me question how people bounce back from that first serious fight. How do you pretend that the person you love didn't say all those awful things? How do you pretend that you didn't hear them, that they didn't cut your heart?

You see, we're different when we get mad or are stressed. I talk about everything. I make sure that my feelings are known unless I'm not sure, then I think about it until I am and let people know after. Steve is different. He holds it in until he starts saying things that cut little by little. And I, often let the little comments go, but when he blows up... like he did, I first fight back and then when I'm on the verge of saying something I don't mean, saying something hurtful, I stop myself. I walk away until I've cooled down. Now whether or not he meant what he said, which I don't believe he did, the words are still stuck in my head... the argument was unfair and he was actually mean.

Part of why I fell in love with Steve, part of why I married him is how we have always been able to talk things out before we fight. In fact, before this, I would say he was entirely incapable of fighting or saying mean things, but now I know that's not true. Now I know he forces himself not to. I love him, with all my heart and I've never loved someone more than I love him. But today, it made me realize that I married a man who does share some qualities I hated in others, but the key to me still loving him as much as I always have was also realizing that he doesn't want to be like that and 99.9% of the time, he's not, but today that .1% came out and reared it's very ugly head.

Steve and I ended up talking about it after, once he realized he was wrong and that all the things he said were unfair, unwarrented and uncalled for. He apologized and told me he loved me and that he would try to let me in before he got to that point again. A part of me still wonders how he even got there. I have known for a while that he was stressed out and try as I might to get him to talk, he just wouldn't. I begged him to talk to me on Saturday night and he finally said some things and while they hurt me, I was relieved because he was talking. I knew he was exhausted so I made him finish what he was doing for the house and sent him to bed while I stayed up and deep cleaned the majority of the house.

Sunday morning, I woke up to him being mad and overwhelmed. The only thing I hadn't managed to get done was the dishes but that's because I'd taken a long hot shower at about 3am and was exhausted and couldn't finish. I'd cleaned the livingroom and the kitchen, including under the stove and the laundry room in addition to doing most of the laundry in the house, I'd left the dishes to be done in the morning, right before we showed the house since everything else was done, the kids rooms had been cleaned during the day and our room has been clean for a while (surprise!) so I figured one quick thing in the morning, no big deal. Well, he blew up and said hurtful things, mostly about how I didn't do what I was supposed to do and that he shouldn't have gone to bed because clearly I needed his help along with a few other things. I finally told him all that I did and he said "I'm sorry but..." For me, that means I'm not sorry because... I went outside and ignored him as I cried. I got dressed and made sure the kids beds were made before we had to leave the house (we had a house showing at 1130).

I really didn't talk to him until after we'd gone to the park with the kids and Beau (who is doing better by the way, very happy and healthy). I had taken my camera and took pictures of the kids and him and Beau. Halfway through we sat down and just talked. He apologized for going off on me, saying that he realized how he was wrong and that he was thankful for all I got done. I told him I needed him to talk to me before he did something like that again because I'm just as stressed out and I don't want to be mad at him, he's my best friend.

The day got better from there. We put Beau in the back of the truck and got the kids in and went and got Crawfish and Shrimp for lunch. It was good. After we ate lunch, it stormed bad and flooded our backyard, luckily that drains into the street so it wasn't bad. We all took a nap and relaxed. Dinner came and went and I fell asleep really early causing me to be awake at 1am and now it's 4am.

We have the movers coming in 4 1/2 hours, I have my follow-up dental appointment (thank God, the pain is worse than before) and then the kids have to get shots (oh that'll be fun). Beau and Luna (who are fortunately getting along now) have their vet appointments on Wednesday morning. Beau is getting dewormed (we've noticed they haven't gone away yet) along with his shots and Luna is getting her shots and scheduled for a neutering. Both are getting microchipped. Thursday, Lily has dance class, which I'm glad for, because she loves it.

There's only 22 days until we leave, but the good news is that the people looking at the house seemed to like it and we're hoping for an offer this week. Wish us luck. That'll make my husband alot less stressed and will make my life so much easier.

Anyways, I should try for a couple more hours of sleep. Hopefully, Steve and I are back to good terms, if I could only get what he said out of my head, because I know he's sorry but I know myself and once the words are there, once they resemble ghosts of boyfriends past, I tend to keep them and how they hurt me to myself. I know he doesn't read my blog because he says he doesn't have to, but sometimes I wish he would, because when weakness strikes I find myself more comfortable to telling strangers than I do telling the one person I love more than anything how he has hurt me.

Anyways, I'm out.

22 more days.

A sad and boring day

Today wasn't very exciting, but I'm pretty glad for that. It wasn't very good either, which seems like has been happening too much lately.

It started off okay enough. Beau woke me up by stepping on me while I was in bed and then Steve woke me up by yelling at Beau for chewing on one of Lily's toys. Frustrating but he's just getting comfortable. It'll take him a little longer than three days to learn the house rules.

After I got up, Steve and I talked about random stuff and he went to work, only to come home a little while later because he forgot his phone. We had coffee together and talked about what we have to do this weekend. Too much.

Beau and Luna have been fighting today which is frustrating too. Luna hisses at him and Beau barks at her, causing her to take a clawed swipe at him. At least, she's not mad at me for bringing the dog into our home... A part of me thinks Steve is not so happy about it.

After he left again, it was almost lunchtime for the kids so I fed them lunch, played around on RBL asking very random questions. The reason I ask the questions in case someone doesn't know and is one of my members reading this: I love getting to know you. I love knowing that you each have these lives that are worth knowing about. I read the answers and I give my own. It's a good thing for me because I am often alone at home during the day with only my children and Steve has homework or other work to get done at night, so I'm pretty bored sometimes and having the connection with others is nice. :)

I also talked to one of my best friends today, which was nice. We talked about how she might be getting a dog soon (she's been wanting one just like me and might have found the perfect fit). And about what happened yesterday and how I've worked to resolve that.

Later, when Steve came home from work, he brought me my prescription (it had run out and I'm still in pain from the surgery, so I called to get more and he picked them up) and had bought me ice cream :) Then we watched an episode of the TROOP where I was an extra back in 2009 or so. It was pretty cool to see myself on TV. I've never watched anything I've extra-ed on before.

But then Beau escaped the yard (he's been kind of bullheaded today and been frustrating both Steve and I, but I'm sure I have more patience for him than Steve does) and I had to run to get him. Then I told Steve that he had to put his tools somewhere besides the top of our extra-large dog kennel (for timeout for Beau, it had originally been the puppy we got last summer's training cage but he died of Parvo after only a week) so we could put Beau in when he did something bad, a nonviolent form of discipline. He got irritated with me and then started moving stuff around.

Needless to say I went into the bedroom, where I am now writing this blog because I'm frustrated completely. I don't like when Steve and I are like this. We are best friends most of the time but after the past week, we're both completely frustrated and instead of talking, he gets quiet and moody and acts like there is nothing wrong, which I know there is and when he does that I get mad and ignore him. I know, childish, but it's better than fighting,  and even though I know we'll probably talk it through soon, it's bothering me that I can't talk to him right now.

So now I'm about to go to bed, close my door, turn on Crossing Jordon on Netflix and read my book until sleep mercifully takes me into the dreamland where everything is stress-free and where things are good. At least, I hope so. I hope there are no nightmares tonight. ... there were last night.



24 days until we PCS and I can't wait.

Love,
Leah

Drama never stops

So today was a bad day. I won't go into too much detail but I had more bullshit petty army wife drama to deal with. It was the same shit I had to go to Family advocacy about. The worst part is that I just had my surgery on Monday so I was in pain and then when people I didn't want at my house showed up, I was scared (and pain and fear = anger for me), so I got mad and used my anger to make me feel stronger. And since I was angry, I wasn't open to what was happening and might have made things a tiny bit worse than I intended. The only good part was that my husband came home and we had all our ducks in a row. He helped me calm down and answer all these people's questions. I was so angry though and basically went off on this woman for being cold-hearted (She told me that my surgery or the pain I was feeling didn't matter, her words). They told me that I have to take my kids to see a doctor. Well, you dumbass bitch, I do that anyways, like on Monday when they have shots again! I also have an appointment for my daughter in Alexandria on March 20th!  When they finally left, I broke down. I cried and hugged Beau. Steve took Lily to dance class and promised to bring home pizza for dinner. After he left, I called my best friend and told her what happened. She was with me in spirit, because sadly, she's too far away to be here in person. I'm so glad I was able to talk to her about the whole thing. I wouldn't be able to handle all that has been going on without her or Steve. Between the two of them, they keep me going and keep me smiling (along with my babies, all four of them :P)

See, Steve and I make a great team in anything we do. Where I'm over-emotional, he's calm and steadfast. Where I am more creative, he's more practical. And today, his calmness was necessary and my anger was an obstacle.



What I don't understand, and probably never will, is the extent of how truly low people get. I mean, I should know by now it happens, but for some reason, that always escapes me. Maybe I'm too naive or maybe I have just seen so much evil that I search for the good in everyone and that one good quality I find, blinds me to the reality of them. After all, I was kidnapped, I was abused, I have gone through emotional pain that I wouldn't wish on anyone. My biological father kidnapped me and abandoned me with strangers just to keep me from my mother, but she didn't treat me any better than he did when I was finally given back to her (after almost 4 years).  I was an abused child, beaten and emotionally torn apart by my mother. I was the pawn in a war between my grandmother and her. My father (my step-father, but real father of my heart) was the only person who gave me love in my house as a child and he didn't know until my late teens what was going on and by then, he was a full-blown alcoholic, incapable of stopping it. I was beat by a boyfriend or two (like I said in a previous blog, I've made mistakes) and I have been cheated on. I lost the only parent I ever had that loved me and have no connection to my biological parents at all.

Maybe the fact that I've seen so much bad, lived through so much hell, is the reason I never expect it anymore. Actually, I thought had ended when I married Steve. Maybe that was also naive to believe. But everything was so much better with him. He knew all my scars and he knew all my pain. He never used it against me or made me feel like it made me a bad person. If anything, he saw that my past makes me more compassionate, more willing to see the good in everyone, even people I don't like. He knows that I love animals because they aren't mean by nature, that I have to have a pet otherwise my heart hurts (yep, I really feel depressed without something to pet and love on and get unconditional love from). Luna became mine because my old cat (Riot) disappeared and I couldn't find her anywhere. I was so depressed. So he let me adopt Luna. When Beau came, he knew he wasn't getting out of us keeping him unless someone claimed him and no one has.

He knows that I can't even spank my kids because it makes me feel horrible. I never want to be my mother. I would kill myself first. Even the moments where I yell at them, I feel like I'm too much like her. I spend time with my kids. I encourage their activities. I want them to be themselves. I spoil them. I was never really spoiled by my mother and if it weren't for the fact that she was expected to let me have activities, she would have kept me home, locked up in my room. It was my dad who let me date (surprise!) and it was my Dad who took me shopping for clothes I actually wanted to wear. If she had her way, I would have only worn pink and white and dresses. I hated those colors and dresses until I was in my early 20s. I had such a horrible mother that I do everything possible to be better than her and to be more like my Gram.

My Gram is my inspiration of what a mother, what a grandmother and what a woman in general should be like. She's amazing. She's strong and stubborn and full of life (even in her 70s!) and wonderful. All of her kids love her, all of her grandkids love her. She's my grandfather's second wife and ever since I was about 7 or 8, maybe a little older, I've called her Gram. She's never treated me like I wasn't one of her Grandkids, even though she also hates my mother (it's something we both agree on, that she's a liar and crazy and not worth having in your life at all). She's a great cook, was a great wife to both her husbands (her first husband, Jack, died before I was born, I believe and is the father of her two sons and one daughter) and buried two husbands. She's so strong and honestly, there aren't words that can describe her. She'll yell at you, cuss at you, and tell you she loves you in the same conversation. She'll make the best fudge ever and spoil you with her food and then tell you why you aren't doing something right. She'll tell you not to screw it up when everything is going right.  She's still up early in the morning, helps my cousins watch their kids since they live close to her and makes time to talk to me at least once every couple of weeks, usually every week. I love her so much.

I've had this amazing inspiration on my life and she doesn't fit the normal mold for "Grandmother" at all. And I love that about her. I don't want her to be normal. I like who she is, and I want to be like her. In some ways, I am. I'm stubborn like her and I tell people like is like her. I hope in all ways I can be like her. It's my greatest wish. She isn't normal and that's what makes her perfect. :)

So because I have these great people in my life, from my husband, my perfect partner, my soulmate, my husband, to my best friends to my Gram, I have so many people watching to make sure that I am the best I can be. They make sure I'm a good mother, a good wife, they talk me down from the "I'm about to do something crazy/stupid/_fillintheblank_" place I can sometimes get and they encourage my happiness.

Plus I couldn't imagine ever hurting my children. WHO COULD HURT A CHILD?? And why would someone believe I would?!? But I know the truth, that petty wife, she doesn't actually believe I am neglecting my children (I have proof up the waszoo that I don't!), she just hates me enough and judges me based on the handful of times we've actually seen each other. That's what hurts the most. What kind of person does she think I am? Like her?? NOPE! And proud to be not only a better mother than she thinks, but clearly a better person than she is.

So today, I dealt with more shit that I wanted to and I can't sleep again because of it. The stress is eating at me and I really need a vacation but the good news is in 25 days I am out of this place and I can't wait!!!!


Anyways, I'm off to do something else. Good night.


PS. I hope that nothing I said tonight makes you think less of me, this is the honest truth of what I've been through, maybe not every detail but enough so you get the gist.


Update at 10:50am Friday Morning:::


I called BJach to make an appointment with Maj. Savage (their Pediatrician) and when they asked why I was blunt and told them... The nurse on the line told me You aren't the only one whose pissed off an army wife. I've been there. It made me feel better. She is going to call me back to see if I can just get an overview of Lily's last appointment to send to Family Advocacy and be done with it. :) Yay! I'm glad I'm not the only one who has pissed off a petty wife and I'm glad that people aren't being cruel about it or judging me instantly based on that. Yayness.

Petty Army Wife rant

I'm really beginning to think it's petty army wife month, between my own bullshit going on and others... Why is it that we can't all just either get along or accept our differences of opinion and act like adults?? I would never do what has been done to me and I can't even imagine why people do things like that to others. Maybe I'm too nice of a person and only get mad about things that matter to me, but if I say to leave me alone, that's all I mean. I won't bring it up to other people, or if I do, I won't use your name... that's how I am. I will tell my friends what's going on but leave names out of it just so I can vent to a friend. If others vent to me, I try to leave names out of it, but I don't like the petty bullshit and I'm done with it. Seriously, grow up and act like an adult instead of like we're all in high school. 

It bugs the hell out of me. And if I weren't who I am, I would drag this woman's name through the mud, out of hiding and blast her online. But I'm nice and above that. I really hate her and just want her in my past, a thought I never think about again. I even know when and where she works out (Steve told me) and if I wanted to confront her, which I really do badly, I would go there, but I won't because I know it would end badly and even my best friend told me not to. AND FYI my best friend doesn't even know this woman's name because I simply don't do that. If I can be above things like that and be raging mad like I am (shaking and furious) why can't everyone else?

So many people claim to want "World Peace" but honestly so many of those people who want peace or just to be out of war are the ones who cause the most drama. It bugs me so much. Especially people who use religion as why they can judge other people and spread lies about them.

I'm done, I'm over it and just want to say::

Yes I am loud and outgoing. Yes, I have tattoos and bright dyed raspberry red hair. I wear jeans and cowboy boots and tshirts with weird sayings on them. I don't meet anyone's expectations of what an Officer's wife should look like or act like, but guess what? My husband married me KNOWING who I am. He loves me, with all my tattoos, dyed hair, clothing style, attitude! He knows who I am and what I am and before anyone judges me based on my outer qualities, maybe they should get to know my heart...

I am the type of person who will help my worst enemy in their time of need. The type of person who volunteers to help animals or at risk youth, just so they'll have the hope of a better life. I am the kind of woman who will bend over backwards to do the right thing even if it hurts me.


The part that I wish EVERYONE could understand is that your behavior makes you who you are. NOT your beliefs, not your husband's rank, not how you dress or what clothes you wear or even your personality. It's how you act towards other people, those you like and those you don't like. It's how you act towards all living creatures that matters. 

We aren't in high school. We're in the Army life, the Military life and each one of us faces our own battles on a daily basis with this life. How is it that we can't just find it in each other to make peace with our differences, to move on and accept one another as we come? Why is it that we are worse than a bunch of high school girls and guys with all their cliques and bullying and drama? Why haven't we grown up? 

Stress, pain, Beau

Well, it's another day in my life. And it seems that lately things have just been so stressful that when good things happen, it doesn't keep me elated for long before the stress returns. I am twenty-four years old, will be 25 later this year. I am married, I am a mother of two. I have two pets (as of now) not including fish. I am PCSing in less than a month with my family. I have a few more appointments that are absolutely necessary before we leave, three of which are an hour away from home. I now have vet appointments to make for my pets, recovery time which isn't going well or smoothly. My husband doesn't seem like himself which is making me feel down also.

Life is just hard. I try to make it a little easier, by doing good things. Like taking Beau in as a member of our family. Like donating to one of the causes RBL is asked to help (this one for a MG walk for the cure). I try to keep positive and spread good karma around so it will return to me, but then bad things happen and I get stressed far more than normal. And I am stressed beyond what I should be at this moment.

I've heard it said that moving is one of the most stressful things a person does. It's probably true considering my anxiety levels right now. Even my husband's "random searches" for items are getting to me. Like he'll ask me if I know where something is when I am clearly doing something, and I tell him "just a minute" and he'll keep looking, making me feel pressured to stop what I'm doing and get him what he's looking for. He's done it to me three times today alone and I just want to snap at him. Like, seriously? I'm already in pain and he has to pressure me to do things for him because he can't wait 2 minutes for me to finish a task and move on.

Update on Beau:::
His ticks are falling off (which is a HUGE relief) and he's eating properly, going to the bathroom and doing all that the way he should. He's also really good on the leash, really loving and just a big lapdog. I did discover that he'll chew my windowsill if he's left alone in a room and the door is shut. Grrr, since we are selling our house in less than a month and now that has to be fixed. But oh well, other than that, he seems to be doing much better and I'm grateful for that.

Anyways, I'm tired and still in pain, hoping to get some rest tonight, but the kids are loud right now and won't quiet down (to be fair, Daddy and Beau are exciting to be around for them). I'm hurting and in desperate need of sleep and freedom from pain.

Love,
Leah

Update on Yesterday

Well, let me start this by saying that I am still in pain from my surgery yesterday and still frustrated by that particular army wife who made a false complaint against me.

This morning, I woke up at 830 (after me up and down all night) to the realtor being here to take pictures. I quickly went and made my bed and the kids' beds and made sure my room was neat and organized. After that, I checked my messages to find out I had to go to this meeting with the caseworker too, just to clear myself from the accusations made against me. That went well, considering the amount of pain and aggravation I was feeling. The accusations were this: That my daughter is too small, that they need to see a dentist, that they "smelled funny". I know for a fact who did it now, after hearing those. Firstly, let me say that I am tiny, at five2 and one hundred pounds (seriously, it's less than that right now but that's my average), why wouldn't my daughter be smaller? Secondly, both my kids have been to see a dentist and Lily has her major appointment on the 22nd. Jax has nothing severe and is waiting until after we PCS (no biggie). Thirdly, my daughter sprayed both her and her brother down with a perfume that even I find stinks awfully. So there was no real claim made. It was entirely bullshit.

After hearing that we probably wouldn't have to deal with it again, I was relieved but still upset by this wife in question. A million ways to get revenge ran through my mind but I'm too moral for some and others are just worthless.

Now my kids and I are home, my husband went back to work and we are sitting here after lunch (the kids ate, I couldn't yet) watching the Lion King and relaxing. My pain killers are kicking in so after the movie the kids will go for a nap and I will fully unwind.

All of this shit that's been going on makes me really despise how gossipy and just plain ignorant some wives are. I love my girls on RBL but honestly, if it had been one of them who had made the complaint, I probably would have deleted them right away, cutting them off from a great support group, because I'm just that mean. I am a mother and I'm so protective of my young. Don't mess with them ever.

UPDATE on the Update:::

So my husband had a meeting with his commander and told him what was going on. Except the way I think it happened was by telling whoever that I had a problem with a wife and this was her revenge. I'm seriously sick of this shit. I feel like one person is causing so many problems, none of which I deserve. I got mad at my husband because the words he told me made me think he just made it seem all on my part and it's not even true... (see Don't Wear His Rank for what happened there) and now he seems to be taking the Army's side and just saying it doesn't matter at all who did it. Then he tried to say that the accusations were the same as if someone had accused me of abusing a herd of goats! Really? That's so not the same thing. These are my kids! I went through 9 months of pregnancy for each one and the hardships of being a single mother. I seriously don't even see how he could say that was the same thing but it's not. I have gone through so much to take care of them and I've done nothing wrong. I don't need some arrogant bitch saying things about me that are untrue and there is nothing I can do other than my best and having my husband is great but sometimes I feel like the Army gets more of his loyalty than I do. I know, I know... if the Army wanted him to have a wife, they would have issued him one, but I am willing to sacrifice almost anything for his career, but not my children, never my children. I'm sorry, but I can't even go there. I love them more than life itself, they are my future, his future, our future.

I'm just upset and angry at this bullshit. It's not fair and I don't deserve to go through it.

Pissed and Pain

I don't really have much to say or much to say that's nice or even that should be aired on the world wide web, but let me say this first, before I go into other things::: IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME, take it up with me. Don't go behind my back to start shit that ends up involving my husband and his chain of command, especially since it's so unfounded. You hate me, that's great. I hate you too, and let's just put it this way, if I could, I would sink as low as you did. But I can't, because that would go against my moral code and I can't be a lifeless piece of shit like you. (The person who wronged me, she knows who she is...)

The other stuff...

I had my surgery today and wow, I am in so much pain. The worst part was that they didn't give me my prescription until I'm dripping blood out of my mouth and stuck waiting for over a half hour for them. So I'm stuck, bleeding all over myself, having to pee, not wanting to be seen in public bleeding all over and only wanting to go hide at home in bed. I finally got my prescriptions and while I love my husband, sometimes he's clueless. I ended up snapping at him, grabbing all of my stuff out of the truck and going inside to finally use the bathroom and take my prescription and then telling him to just go to work if he wasn't going to do anything helpful. I was mad at him for not being able to help me for whatever stupid reason and the fact is I transfer pain to anger and don't even think about it. I'd rather be angry than be in pain and weak.  Anyways, he went back to work and then came home shortly before five to tell me that someone (I am almost a hundred percent positive who) made a complaint to family advocacy about us, one that is no way founded (really, I can't even think of what it might be except my daughter is smaller than average, but then again, so am I!!!)  I seriously have so much going on and then some asshole or bitch (most likely the bitch who I wrote about in Don't wear his rank) goes and makes a complaint against me, using my kids. I'm so furious. I know she hates me but seriously, I don't even think her other than the fact that she's got a decent husband and she wears her husband's rank like she earned it (which FYI NONE OF US FRIGGIN EARNED his RANK!!!) I avoid her as much as possible but I found out that our kids were in daycare today together and that she pulled her son out about an hour before the complaint was lodged against us. Seriously??? Now I'm just pissed and in pain from the surgery. And tomorrow, my husband is bringing the kids records and going to this meeting to prove there is nothing wrong and that we are taking care of them. It isn't a complaint that we beat them or anything, because that would have been kicked to the civilian world and not the Army Family Advocacy.

I seriously hate people who use my kids to get to me. They deserve to see me and a glock.

I'm out because I'm too pissed off.


PS. If I offended anyone today, I don't give a rat's ass. This is my blog, my place to write and I've been personally offended by some bitch who attacked me using my kids. Grow a pair of balls!!!

4am pain

I just woke up crying in pain from my right arm hurting and my left leg aching. Steve had to wake me up because it was so bad and I was crying. I don't even understand how I managed to hurt opposite sides. All I do know is that I am waiting for my pain killers to kick in and send me to sleep again.

I try to stay so positive these days, but the pain is making me bitchy and my attitude is strong and thriving. I keep trying to focus on the good things like Lily's first real party (got the cake ordered, party favors bought, snacks and activities planned), like the ladies on Recruited ByLove who make life so nice and keep things interesting, like how good life will be after the procedure is done, like our couples retreat Jan 19th, like how by September, Steve and I can start trying for a baby. All good things to look forward to, but my head is so focused on pain, I can't help it. I am short fused and in pain. Not a good combo.

So comedy and pain killers are my relief. And avoiding people this weekend. I am just glad its only a few more days.

I love my husband, my children and my cat. So I need to be back in full health.

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Day 2 of 2012

Today was one of those days where my senses and hormones made me less than sweet. I try to be the perfect wife and do the right things but at times, I fail even myself, and my husband. I did however get alot done last night and now I am laying in bed, watching Planet of the Apes (the new one), and just put aside my book to write this blog.

My husband is sleeping and I'm glad for that. We argued today. Our first real one. And it sucked. I won't go into details because honestly, those are private. Needless to say, we made up and are back to our loving selves.

I did stop by walmart today and print out photos for my Gram and Mother-in-law and got a photo album for the rest of the wedding photos and the pictures I took out in the woods the other day. It's nice to know that I can keep the memories with me.

Other than that, I wrote a journal entry, planned more of my daughter's birthday party. Watched X-Men First Class with the hubby, had dinner (take-out) and all in all just relaxed most of the day. Tomorrow, I have a to-do list that includes alot of calls to doctors.

I really should get some sleep. I'm tired but a part of me just doesn't want to sleep. I'm just too much in my head that I'm sure this particular blog entry makes no sense.

Anyways,

Love,
For Now and Forever,

Leah

mixed review

Well, this past week was... eventful, to say the least. I am welcoming a new life while still dealing with my old one.

Thanksgiving was nice. I really like Dawn best of all Steve's sisters, and being there are five of them, I definitely have a variety to choose from. She is a great cook. Her boyfriend Kenny and his father and uncle are all very nice too. I would go into more detail but I'm currently on Percosets and my mind can't think too well at the moment.

We got back from Texas today around 5:30 and all day I'd been in severe pain. As it turns out, after going to the ER, my back tooth and wisdom tooth are clashing together to cause one to break and spread an infection. It's incredibly painful and I am scheduled to see a dentist in the morning to get them removed. I'm also on Penicillin to control the infection (basically to keep it from spreading) and Percoset to dull the pain. And I say dull because after taking two, (one at 11, the next at 12) I am still in pain and it's 1:38am. I have been struggling all day with the pain and I finally gave up and called BJACH (our Army Hospital). They told me to come in. When I went in, after waiting over an hour and a half, I finally walked out with my referral and pain medicine. My appointment is first thing in the morning and I'm nervous but I'm sure it will be fine. Steve says he's been there and they've always done an amazing job. Thank God. I'm so glad that I finally have my health insurance back, I have been avoiding going to a doctor and dealing with my pain for so long that giving into it and letting myself appear vulnerable made me feel overwhelming relief.

I'm not sure how active I will be over the next few days. I already let the girls on RBL know because I feel a strong responsibility to be there for them when they  need me and I've already neglected them yesterday and most of today.

I am fighting with Darrell again. Well, not so much fighting as telling him what I need him to do to have him refuse to do it. So there only leaves one thing I can do, which is go to a lawyer and find out how they can help me. Lucky, we're Army and the Army likes to give free Legal Assistance. :) Yay for that. Less stress.

It seems the Army has done alot more for me in two weeks than my entire four years living as a civilian. I hated that time in my life. It's filled with half-regrets and the only good outcomes were my children being with me, being raised by myself and my husband and now life is moving forward. My prayers are being answered. It's such a welcome relief and the fact that my husband has played my hero today and will do so again tomorrow just makes me feel so much better. I have a wonderful man who is everything I ever dreamed of. How lucky can one girl be?

Apparently very.

Love,
For Now & Forever,
Leah

Inside my mind

Sometimes I hate being a girl. Today I am cramping and to make matters worse, Steve has an attitude because he broke his dog tags and doesn't know where his other set is. I try really hard to be patient with him when he gets like this. I mean, the Army has standards and when you fail to meet those standards, you end up in trouble. Now, he didn't get in trouble but they had a tag check so he had to show them the broken tags.

Also, Steve has to work on my birthday. Which sucks. He's the staff-duty officer running security checks all night and if someone gets arrested, he's got to go fill out paperwork. It's so frustrating because there are only a few days that I care about... but it beats last year, with him deployed.

Anyways, I have another chaplain's appointment today. Our last pre-marital counseling session. I am so glad. We have been spending so much time preparing for the wedding, I nearly forgot that we haven't officially been cleared for the wedding, even though it's our Chaplain marrying us. I know today we will be. Today, we also get our marriage license application and I am so excited. There are only ten days until my stressed out fiance and myself are married.

And then all the perks and pitfalls of being a Captain's wife will be mine. There are alot of perks, not including having the most romantic guy in the world as my husband, and a few pitfalls that come with almost every Army marriage, and some that are the select few of officer wives. As an officer, the Army consider's Steve's marriage an extension of his job, meaning, they will expect me to do certain things for them. I mean, it won't be much, but what it is holds to a higher standard than any I've known before. I am very excited about the whole thing, despite where my fears lie.

Anyways, I have to go... I have to prepare for my counseling session, then tomorrow is my birthday and Thursday is date night. This weekend I have to do my final prep for the wedding.

Much Love,
For now and forever,
Leah

Rant

As much as I love Steve, I am glad we will never live near his family. The fact is they are very conservative baptist and think I am the wrong type of christian. I'm catholic!! I was raised with faith, have the same bible they have, we just practice differently. I find it to be a little disgusting and quite closed minded to assume you are going to heaven while other people are going to hell. No one knows where they stand with God until they die.

And it bothers me how much they judge. I try so hard not to judge others. I don't assume one way or another if someone is living their life the best they can, if they will go to heaven. That's not my place. I also don't assume they are the wrong religion, no matter what their religion is. It's vain to assume you know better than anyone else. You take what you know, you live the best you can, you lead by example and never assume you know all the answers, because no one can know all the answers.

And I'm mad. Mad at his family for acting like Steve has suddenly changed. As long as I've known him, he's always said that his family wouldn't understand his own beliefs so he just doesn't tell them. He said they wouldn't like me because I'm tattooed, catholic and a single mom. It doesn't matter that I don't attempt to control him. It doesn't matter that I don't tell him to do this or that, or ask him to change his faith or do things that are against his nature. I don't even assume that I know him absolutely. But I know he's a good, kind, decent, honorable man. I know he has faith, that he wants to go to Heaven, that he believes in much of the same things I do. But according to his mother, he's just changed. He hasn't but apparently, she doesn't know anything about him anymore. Or she'd never assume that, either.

And I'm not lost. I know where I stand on God and my faith. Just because it doesn't match theirs doesn't mean I'm lost. Or that I think I will go to hell. A few years ago, they would have been right. But not anymore. Not since I found my way after my father's death. It took a while but I have my faith back. And I'm not changing for them. Especially people that don't get me. Steve hasn't asked and nor would he. We agree on faith. We agree on most things in that area. Just because we have different labels means nothing to us.

So the reason this rant is unfolding is because they excluded me from the Christmas Exchange. Instead of including me, since we'll be married by then, which they know, they left me out. My feelings are this "that's messed up" and "fine, i'll just be the auntie who spoils the nieces and nephews. screw it, I don't want to be included this year or any other year." It stings but at the same time, it just makes me feel better to be excluded. I honestly don't want to be apart of such a hypocritical family. They wouldn't consider me a factor in Steve's life before we were engaged and married, so screw it. Now that I am, they choose to ignore me. Whatever.

I'm really not interested in dealing with them. They don't know Steve at all. They are truly very small minded and they don't even consider the fact that they may be wrong. It's disappointing. I was honestly hoping for in-laws that would at least take the time to know me but LABELS mean they won't. Well, whether they like it or not, I'm about to be Steve's wife and that means they'll have to deal with me as much as I have to deal with them. And honestly, I don't care if they like me.


Confused again by Civilians...

Rants

Politics. Ugh. I hate it. I look for the good qualities in every person I meet. Even if I don't like someone, I can usually find something nice to say. But at the same time, I will fight for what I believe in. I was born a "brat" and I think maybe the whole nature-nuture debate has something to learn. I grew up both in the states and in Europe, I lived among Americans and Europeans. I lived among our own Military and the Military of other Nations. Perhaps the way I think is different. Perhaps the way I consider the key things in life makes me odd. I don't know, but either way, I don't like feeling disappointed in the America I spent my childhood in. I don't like feeling sad by the school funding cuts, the Military pay freeze, the "Healthcare" plan that makes it harder for some deserving people to survive.... It disgusts me that everyone wants to pick on each other. STOP!!! Realize that first of all, the Media is a market-game. The Media doesn't care what is best, just who gets the best numbers. Look beyond the big names, look for the truth. Americans bought into Obama and it has left our Country fighting within itself, falling apart from our core. Something must change. Something must change at the very center of how America thinks.

Stop caring about how something looks. Care about what it is. Please pay attention. Get Outraged!!! Say something. Our men do not have the right, they gave that up with their oath. But we do. We can change things. We don't have to do it publicly. We can do it amongst ourselves, our friends, our families. So find out what is going on. Find out who is running and find out about them. And get involved at the beginning. Register to vote early so you can vote in the conventions of Repbulcians and democrats. Encourage your friends to the same. Just help the change. Help make the Country proud again as a whole. I am and will always be proud of where I came from, the Military and the good American people who care more about going hunting next weekend compared to those who care about the new expensive thing they just bought. I am proud to be from a culture within the American whole that realizes the most important things: family moments, strength and honor. I want an Honorable America

I hate people...

So stop trying to assume shit about me. You know nothing about my life anymore. You aren't even involved.

deep thoughts

I have cut ties to some people in my life recently that would like to blame me and call me names, insulting me while trying to get me to open my life up to them again. I refuse to drink a glass of wine with the capsules of poison showing. I have far more in my life than I have ever had. I have a wonderful man, who makes certain that I feel safe and like I don’t have to be alone against the world. He just so happens to be a hero to me in every single way. I know that he is more important to my life than the negative.

Thoughts flow through my head as I try to see the similiarities between myself and them. I know we share so many qualities: We love.  We hate.  We feel torn.  We live. We laugh. We cry.  We hurt… both others and ourselves.  We learn.  We laugh some more. We cry harder.  We scream louder, and then we whisper softer.  We feel ambivalence, and abundance.  We love more.  We hate more. We get to know passion like the back of our hands, and then like any flaming romance it eventually dulls, even bores.  Then we’re faced with the choice:

Do we seek something greater, higher, deeper, and more extravagant? Or are we content with what we have, what we know?

When it comes to emotional roller coasters, I’ve had my share.  And I’ve decided that I’m content and do not need to know a deeper meaning.  I do not need to express my anger over days of insult, childish, dramatic, totally dysfunctional behaviour.  And I don’t wish to associate with those who have reached adulthood and still feel the need.  I love through and true, and I have chosen to love those who matter to me and whom I matter to. I will never be disloyal to someone who has given me nothing but love, when far too many have shown they are no one to turn to.

Life is not easy.  Nor is love.  We learn to communicate effectively to get the responses we need… Or, as the battle of the fittest works we keep losing – over and over again.

I won’t lose anymore sleep over this. I won’t miss her for what she was to me. I’ll only miss the woman she never was. I’ve ended all ties with my mother because she does not love me and no matter how much I wish she would be, she’ll never care about me more than she cares about herself. She won’t love my children with the grandmotherly affections and sweet treats. She hasn’t yet. I can’t put myself through that anymore.

And with him at my side (no matter how far away), I’ve learned that family is supposed to be something of love. My father always loved me, I know that. I have felt the great loss of love, he loved me enough for both my parents. My life is always going to ache for his love, my heart still feels the loss so greatly when I allow myself a moment to think about it. I will always miss him.

Steve allows me to be me. He doesn’t make me think that I am any less than worthy and I could not be more certain that he is my life and love. Why should I live with the pain of someone who will never be offering a hand at the price of a leg when I can have someone that will offer a warm embrace at the cost of a kiss?

Never again will I drink the poisoned wine, never again will I fight a battle with someone who is childish and selfish. For the rest of my life, I want happiness. I’m old enough to realize that life is short, I want mine to be full of happiness and worthy challenges to accomplish.

assassinations and life...

Dear World,

                Today, someone tried to assassinate a US Congresswoman from Arizona, a democrat who’d just been elected. I guess, someone was pissed off and took it out on her and several others. The shooter is in custody. Apparently, a Military spouse was also hit. What a world.

                I talked to Steve this morning which was awesome. I love hearing from him and he called to tell me that he’ll be home soon J I’m so excited!!! He’s this incredible guy and he’s going to be in my bed soon ;)  haha. We talked for about twenty-five minutes, which was so good for me because I really wanted to talk to him. I miss him so much. I can’t wait to see him.

                I baked this afternoon, strawberry and blueberry muffins. They are yummy. I also am making dinner right now, penne with my meat sauce. Pretty good dinner menu. I have country music from the 90s playing to keep me company while Lily and Jax torture me with misbehaving and creating a mess where I just cleaned up… It’s unending, twice the kids, ten times the work.

                Anyways, til later, Love, Leah

Tick-tock

Tick-tock, the clock keeps ticking,

a split-second and the world is empty,

among the broken mirrors and shattered glass,

here isn't a safe place to stand,

looking around this world isn't the one I want to see.

Standing still watching the buildings burn,

this ash is raining on me.

I'm not afraid, the worst is over,

but the battle has just begun to rage around me.

I don't care if this world is destroyed,

I want to help destroy it,

as long as you can't be there to hurt me

or make me watch your obscene version of morality,

I'll gladly watch this world burn.

I'll take my turn and I'll choose my weapon.

Line up the shot, my gaze is long,

my aim is steel

and this bullet will knock you off your feet.

You won't be here tomorrow, not if I kill you today.

Don't fear, I'll make it quick.

You won't have to watch the cities crumble under my rage,

I promise you the sleep of the dead then.

Tick-tock, your heart beats, split second, the world is empty

queen of hate

A troubled thought enters my mind as the waves of silence wash over me
A brief reminder of the bitterness between us,
The True bond, never fully formed, wasn't merely broken, but beaten into submission
Your lies flow so smoothly accross your poisonous tongue
but your voice betrays every word you say, the venom soaking through
The influence you shed is so toxic, and your hate is so cruel
Your cold indifference displays the extremes of your selfish nature
No more excuses, no more pretending, the symptoms are just too clear
You are a disease, spreading misery to everyone around you
For my own protection, the sacredness of my soul,
I cut the ties that bind us and shield my love from you.
You are the Queen of Hate, but you seem to forget my own claim,
Born of your Hate with the will to love, the Queen of Hearts you made me.
The King of Spades, a glorious mix of Strength and Courage, fuels my purpose
The end of your plague has come and I'll be well on my way.
Goodbye to you, Queen of Hate, mother to my very name...
Remember this sacred truth, when you think of me,
the fault of this does not lay with me, my soul is clear of the blackened taste
There is only one you can blame when your own child kills you from their lives,
I did no wrong, my heart and my head are clear, you are the Cause, the fatal flaw
With this final thought, there is a peace to this silence that surrounds me,
A freedom from the burden I carried for far too long and for far too far.
My Destiny is now mine, glimmering with new hope, with the dazzling shine of Love,
Faith fuels me, confidence builds me and patience carries me through...
Goodbye to you, oh the toxic memories, goodbye to you, burned and buried.

This couldn't be real

my father is dead. TSgt Charles Timothy Gose died October 27th, 2009 and he's gone forever :'( My heart is shattered.... Who cares about anything else. His funeral is set for my birthday. Who cares? I lost my Hero.

I love you Daddy... <3