New friends

Ok, I know I've been super sparatic at updating my blog, but this time I have something awesome to say. I have made a new friend. She's pretty awesome and kind of has a similar life as me. She grew up as a Military brat (Marines, not AF Spec Ops but still badass). Her husband is a Captain in the same course as mine, he was also in the Cav like mine before becoming an officer, like mine. We both want to be apart of a flash mob (which actually got us talking lol) and we have the same similar complaints about Army life while both being super proud and happy to be part of the Army life. To think, I've waited my whole life for someone like her!! haha!

Seriously though, to finally find a friend who can relate to almost everything is pretty fantastic. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends. Meg and Liz are crazy awesome. Megan and I can talk about everything and it doesn't ever get weird (and by everything I mean all that girl stuff and guy stuff and random stuff) and Liz and I talk about so much, but can we relate to everything? No. Can we expect anyone else to relate to who you are as a person? No but having someone come super close is pretty awesome, you have to admit.

Let's call her "Bee". Bee is very cool and very fun it seems. What excites me most is that we'll both be in the FRG together (and we both hate the Virtual one). Our husbands will be in class together and we will finally have a wife in the same unit as ourselves who doesn't give a crap about rank or ... let's call it Officer Wife politics (or as I've affectionately referred to it in the past "Petty Army Wives"). The best part is: we're going to have dinner together next week and meet in person.

See, I added this group on Facebook (or as I call it in my phone and to people in my daily life: Crackbook)  dedicated to the Army Wives here to make friends or at the very least find out what's what about this new post and after saying I wanted to have a playdate (which I did... yesterday, I guess since it's after midnight here) I added a bunch of wives. Anyways, tonight I was watching Greek (go ahead, laugh, I enjoy cheesy things like that), I saw a flash mob in a dance contest and started youtubing and went on Crackbook saying that I wanted to do one. Well, after a couple hours, Bee told me she knew someone who did them and that we should talk. One thing led to another and we started agreeing with pretty much everything the other said about this and that ranging from everything to hating the rank-pulling wives and the wives who belittle brats because we obviously "don't know anything." It was awesome to talk to someone. Then Bee asked me to be her bff saying "I'm going to be cheesy and ask you to be my bff." Of course I said yes, because HELLO, SHE'S AWESOME! And we arranged to have dinner next week, exchanged numbers and plan on doing dinner next week.

I really am excited by this. I mean, it's been so long since I met someone that I can really be friends with. Don't get me wrong, I still love the girls I met at Fort Polk, but I wasn't really close to any of them, even though I wanted to be. But here, I have an opportunity to build a really good friendship, hopefully a lifetime friend, which these days, let's face it, is a pretty rare thing.

So I am happy and I'm excited and I can't wait to have dinner with Bee. I can't wait to find out what this place will hold next.

Much Love.

Act of Valor letter (FULL)

Big thanks go to Thumakia (one of my readers) for sending this to me!!! I'm so touched that you found the entire letter and sent it both to my blog and to my email. Thank you!!!

So here it is the full letter from Chief Dan to his best friend's unborn son:::

 Before my father died, he said the worst thing about growing old was that other men stop seeing you as dangerous...I've always remember that how being dangerous was sacred, a badge of honor. You live your life by a code. An ethos, every man does. It's your shoreline It's what guides you home and trust me you're always trying to get home. Your father was a reader, Churchill of course but also Faulkner and books about Tecumseh, he loved artists who painted people with bodies that looked like boxes, I'd give him hell about that he just say you gotta look harder, Look harder your father would say, I always knew he wasn't just talking about those boxy abstract paintings. There's threats everywhere in a world that's draped in camouflage. Your fathers grand father gave up his life flying a b24 in world war 2, he kept the liberator aloft just long enough for everyone to jump and then he went down with the plane. That's the blood coursing in your veins, Your father was my boss and I was his chief. What we knew about each others traits and our bond as operators. There's a brotherhood between us and we depended on each other more than a family. Tecumseh said although a single twig may break a bundle of twigs is strong.

Our platoon was headed downrange, we had Weimy our sniper he grew up in the middle of the Mojave desert, most excitement he had as a kid was bowling frozen turkeys down the isle at the grocery store. 

Ray our comms guy, our radio man. He grew up in east LA gangland. He had a silver star for pulling a wounded teammate out of a freight.

Sonny he was made of grannet, this guy didn't even do push ups because he was afraid his chest was gonna get too big.

Ajay joined the teams late in his 30's he had been a muay thai fighter all his life, before that he grew up dirt poor in Trinidad.

Mikey had 20 years in the teams, as humble as he was. You never even know him, he kept a picture of his wife in his helmet and a lock of her hair in his pocket, quiet as the breeze and finally senior chief miller, couldn't really tell you much about him other than I'd rather take a knife to a gun fight than have to be interrogated by him.

That last night at home you think about how you coulda been a better dad, a better husband, that bedtime story you shoulda read or that anniversary you forgot. You don't expect your family to understand what your doing, You just hope they accept it. When you get home you hope you can pickup right where you left off.

War is a country of will, theres no room for sympathy. If your not willing to give up everything...You've already lost.

Your father was a good man, growing up without him is going be hard its going to hurt. You'll feel alone, out to sea with no shore in sight you'll wonder why me, why him. Remember you have warriors blood in your veins, the code that made your father who he was is the same code that'll make you a man he would admire, respect. Put your pain in a box. Lock it down, like those people in the paintings your father liked we are men made up of boxes, chambers of loss, triumph, of hurt and hope and love. No one is stronger or more dangerous than a man who can harness his emotions, his past. Use it as fuel as ammunition as ink to write the most important letter of YOUR life. Before your father died he asked me to give you this poem by Tecumseh, I told him I'd fold it into a paper aeroplane and in a way...I guess that's what I'm doing, sailing it from him to you. 

So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion;respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.

Who am I?

I thought I'd fill all of you in on the biggest parts of my life, from who I am to how I got here... The good stuff mostly :) It's partly to help bring focus to myself on my own life. I've been down lately and am hoping to feel better soon.

So here goes. Who am I?

Well I'm Leah and I'm 24 years old. I am married to my amazing soldier, Steve, who is a Captain in the Army. I am the mother to two beautiful and wonderful children: my daughter, Lily, a five year old girlie-girl and my son, Jax, a three and a half year old boy who loves dinosaurs and cars. I have two gorgeous four-legged babies: my kitten (well more of a cat now) Luna and my dog (possibly a purebred Great Pyrenees) Beau.

I have made alot of mistakes in my life but my kids have never been one of them. I didn't choose the right man to have them with (if you can even call their biological father a man, sometimes I don't) but I love them more than anything and am so glad they are mine and in my custody.

Lily was born January of 2007, when I was 19. She was a hard pregnancy and a horrible labor but she came into the world with a full head of hair and gasolene eyes. Her hair and eyes have lightened up alot since she was born and now has dark chestnut brown eyes (like me) and dirty blonde/light brown hair. Her favorite things are dance class, her dolls, her dog and cat (she thinks our animals are hers), my husband (Daddy, in her eyes), her brother and me. Her favorite color is pink and she thinks she's a princess.

Jax was born June of 2008, when I was 20, almost 21. He was the simplest pregnancy ever, no morning sickness and a relatively easy labor. He was born with a full head of hair and dark gray eyes with green flecks. Like his sister, those changed. His eyes are now dark brown with flecks of green and his hair is the same as his sister's dirty blond/light brown. His favorite things are dinosaurs, cars, trains, dirt, Daddy, his sister and me.

My own father, who was my first hero, sadly died on October 27th, 2009 and left me broken-hearted and without a family. I loved my Daddy fiercely, as only a daughter can love a father. He was in the US Air Force, in the Special Ops. He spent his life fighting against evil men, teaching me the Military Values that would become so ingrained in me that no one measured up, except my husband. He was funny, kind, amazing. He spoiled me and loved me and took care of me. He did all the things a Dad is supposed to do and more. When he died, I lost so much more than just a Dad. I lost my white-knight, my Hero and my biggest supporter of all my dreams and hopes. In honor of his memory, I got a tattoo on my left calf (actually two) of his unit coin. On one side it says "305th Spec Ops" above a skeleton hand holding arrows and below it says "Darkness Brings Death". On the other side it says "Daddy" above a grim reaper standing in front of the tail of a C-141 and below it says "Sleep Tight". My Daddy's unit motto was "Darkness brings death, sleep tight."

My husband and I met in March of 2010. We were supposed to be pen-pals when he was originally going to deploy with a different unit. He didn't end up deploying but we ended up talking on a daily basis, exchanging texts and emails, building a relationship that we weren't even sure what the future held for it, if it even held anything. We became good friends.

Then in July of 2010, he and I met face-to-face and felt a strong connection. While we both agreed not to make promises until we were positive that we would be able to keep them, we swore that we would stay in touch and send letters while he deployed to Afghanistan. He still called me as much as he could, wrote me letters and I wrote him. Our connection grew as the time passed where we only got to know each other, finding that as each day passed, we thought of each other more and more.

 Finally in November of 2010, I swore that I would wait for him (although I hadn't dated anyone else while he was gone anyways). Also in November of 2010, I started Recruited ByLove, a facebook profile set up to be a support page and friend to other military girlfriends, wives and family members. (The way it's grown has blown my mind and I keep thinking of other ways to expand and make it something real and viable, something that will help not only the women on the page but others who have never even joined).

In January 2011, he came home for R&R and we spent all the time together we could, when we agreed that I would move to Fort Polk to wait for him and live in his house. From the time I lived in Louisiana til he came home, he and I dealt with everything together as much as we could with him being half a world away. I got things ready for his return and he helped me take care of things. We were serious about our future together. Talks of marriage and kids came up.

He came home from Afghanistan in August of 2011, and I was never happier about a man in my life. On post deployment leave, he brought me to Indiana to meet his family, the first time he's ever introduced someone to his family since he'd left home. They didn't like me for their own reasons (that mostly have to do with religious and cultural differences) but that doesn't really matter to me, the only thing that does is how my husband feels about me and he loves me.

After our post deployment vacation, we decided to get married as soon as we could. We started going to pre-marital counceling with his unit Chaplain (who also married us) and believe it or not, our Chaplain picked our wedding date (November 11, 2011).

He officially proposed to me on October 17th, 2011. The way he proposed was so wonderful. We had already picked out my ring (it's gorgeous) and had to have it shipped so I didn't get to wear it without an official proposal :). He took me to the training area of Fort Polk, where little "Afghan villages" are set up and the wild horses roam. I was petting a wild mare and softly talking to the mare when he approached me, got down on one knee and asked me "Leah Gose, will you be my wife?" Of course, I said yes. After all, that was my plan for so long :)

After a month of rushing around to finalize wedding plans and get it all set up, we were married in the Airborne Chapel on November 11th, 2011 (11-11-11) by our Chaplain with close friends and Steve's mother and one of his sisters present. It was a wonderful day and the day my life as the Captain's wife began.

Since we've gotten married, we adopted our cat, Lunatic, a beautiful black and white kitten, made improvements on our house (which we're selling to PCS soon), celebrated holidays, attended Army functions together, spent time as a family together. We have been through doctor appointments, dental appointments, family drama, and alot of other things. We also had our dog, Beau, show up out of the blue and make our family even more complete.

He spoils me rotten and makes my life perfect. Sure, it's not actually perfect. There's drama with petty army wives, frustrations from being in the Army life, bills to pay, things that have to get done, stress from PCSing, raising kids and every day stuff that tends to pile on faster than we can get it done. It's great though, because we are together for as long as we can.

And he encourages me. He encourages RBL and school and my artistic side. He loves that I create beautiful things, from my garden to poetry. He loves that I'm a good mother and that I care. He doesn't mind all my tattoos, or the fact that I want more. He doesn't mind that I dye my hair bright red because the idea of having natural hair bothers me. He doesn't mind that I am a bookworm who reads incessantly. He doesn't mind that I would rather wear cowboy boots and jeans than flip flops and shorts. He doesn't mind that I swear and have an attitude. He likes that I understand the military better than most girls he's ever been with. He likes that I can represent him at military functions and be his public face. He likes that I am a big-hearted softy when it comes to animals and people. He doesn't mind that sometimes I'm over-emotional. He loves me.

And I love him. I love how great he is with the kids. How he is such a hard worker, smart, funny, caring, wonderful, overall amazing. I love that he's getting his Master's degree soon. I love that he's strong enough to deal with things that I can't. I love that he has such a strong moral compass and doesn't deviate from his views, even if I disagree with them. I love that he has his own ways to have fun and I have mine. I love that we are close and that neither of us want to be with anyone else.

The fact is, my life is pretty great. I have these beautiful children who make my world a little bit more sparkle worthy. I have this great man that loves my kids like they are his own, that loves me with all his heart. A man who lets me keep animals as soon as I have my heart set on them. I love that he gave me everything I ever dreamed of and more. I have a beautiful cat who purrs almost every time I pick her up and cuddles with me when she has a chance. And now, I have this handsome dog, who isn't overly affectionate, but enough to know he loves me already.

I have friends that I love to talk to. My closest friends are Megan and Liz, who sadly live far away from me. Megan is in New Jersey and I introduced her to my friend, Eric, an enlisted soldier, who I met while being his pen-pal while he was in Iraq. They are so good together and every time I hear about how they are doing, a part of me feels so great. I was able to introduce a good couple to each other. Liz is in Florida and hasn't found anyone serious yet, but we go back a long time and know each other really well. Both of those girls are my sisters of the heart. I'm so lucky to have such great friends in them.

Our future holds a new post in less than two months, hopefully a baby, named Hunter or Willow, maybe a puppy in addition to Luna and Beau. Hopefully, I will have more friends, a more active social life and more things to be happy about in the future.

I am happy. I am in love. I am faithful, compassionate, loyal, loving. I have a big heart when it comes to kids and animals. I am untrusting when it comes to men and don't get along that well with women. I'm shy around new people and am one of those people where you either love me or hate me, there really isn't middle ground. I love music of all kinds. I love to watch TV on DVD or on Netflix rather than watch commercials. I love hockey and football, teams being the Jersey Devils and the Washington Redskins. I love to read and have already read almost 30 books this year alone (and it's only March 8th). I love to knit from time to time and I love to take pictures and edit them. I love to spend time with my family and I love to cuddle with my pets. I love when my husband takes me to dinner and I love when we all go out together. I love when everything is going good and nothing is going wrong.

And most of all, right now I just am happy to be alive, despite the stress... Sometimes I have to go over the past couple of years to see how great my life really is... I'm a lucky girl.

Love,
Leah

Insomnia

Insomnia. It's a horrible thing sometimes. Right now, I'm sitting on my bed, not even under the covers, with Beau sleeping at the foot of my bed (on the floor, because I'm not sure I got all the fleas or ticks and don't want any of those on me). I just spent the past hour or so fixing my "labels" for the blog, I always manage to forget to label as I'm writing so I had to go back over nearly 300 posts and delete some and label the rest. I got rid of most of the ones about my exes, because quite frankly, I don't want to remember those times later. Steve is sleeping in the livingroom with Luna because I can't take her hissing at Beau constantly. Beau pretty much leaves her be (even though she could be a snack to him, he's huge!) but she stalks him and hisses when he comes too close. She's not thrilled that I brought a dog into her domain. Oh, well! I'm watching Vampire Diaries on Netflix, because I'm that bored. It's almost 3am and I haven't slept at all. I almost fell asleep when Beau got on the bed and I had to get him off. He's such a big boy who wants to cuddle but I can't let him until I'm positive he's healthy. So tomorrow, I call the vet to make an appointment for both animals. Random thoughts spin through my mind. The stress from that unfounded complaint, the PCS, the whole selling the house thing, Beau, Luna, the kids, my husband, the Army... it's all so overwhelming and I need a relaxing time.

Steve and I were talking what we'd do on our leave between here and Fort Leonard Wood... We decided we'd go camping for most of the duration. Rent a cabin with the kids and the animals, go fishing, go hiking, enjoy some quality time together. It'll be good for us, all of us. Then when we get to Fort Leonard Wood, I have a lot of stress when I get there.

It's just so much stress. When will it go away so I can sleep a full night without it being drug induced (as in sleep aids, not anything harder).

But I am happy. My kids are thrilled to have a dog, I am thrilled to have Beau here. Steve is ok with it because he knows it makes me happy even though he's not so thrilled by the vet bills and the move with a dog, but hey, he loves when I'm happy and is happy when I'm happy, so that helps.

Anyways, time to try for sleep again. Exhausted and am really hoping I get some.

Love,
Leah

Beau

Well, my day got better. Let me just say this::: No matter what, animals, especially dogs always make my heart feel better when I'm feeling very sad and very stressed.

Today, I saw an unfamiliar dog to the area wandering around, I had my husband whistle for him and he came over, we gave him some treats and put him in the yard so we could call animal control and see if someone was looking for him, but animal control was closed. Upon closer inspection of this dog, I discovered ticks, loads of them. So my husband, being the wonderful man he is, went to the store and bought flea-tick shampoo, spray and treatment and a deworming pill packet, just in case. When he came home, we fought to give the dog a bath, discovering even more ticks. We finally had him washed down really well and let him out of the tub, he shook himself all over my bathroom, my hallway, my livingroom before finally making it to the yard. We dried him off with a towel, and then started pulling the ticks out, I lost count around 20. I told my husband that I didn't think he belonged to someone because underneath all of his fur, he was boney and he has a limp. To be honest, I think he's old, like around 8 or so, and I think someone just ditched him. So after we plucked as many ticks as we could find, we sprayed him down with the treatment, then gave him the monthly packet that goes on his neck, fed him the two tablets for deworming, gave him food and water and let him inside. He'll need more baths over the next few days, and possibly a groomer in addition to a vet.

Even if he does belong to someone, the sheer neglect he suffered is enough to make me say that he is NOT going back to them. And he can't go to a shelter, he's too old and too big, no one would adopt him. So we are taking him in.

And here he is, now officially Boudreaux "Beau" :::

and Lunatic's reaction to him lol

Baby fever

I have big news... well the news that will hopefully lead to big news soon. Steve and I had a real talk last night, about babies and our future. We were trying to think of a time where getting pregnant would be optimal but we both disagreed that certain times would be best, and then we just decided we'll leave it to God. So we are officially not preventing pregnancy at all. And I'm excited.

Last night, we had our first round of completely unprotected sex. I have two pregnancy tests in my bathroom cabinet waiting for a late-period and waiting for us to announce our first baby together... He's not Lily or Jax's biological father but he is a great father to them. And he and I are both ready to have a baby together. A little Ramsbottom. We have already come up with names::: For a boy: Hunter Timothy Edward. For a girl: Willow Brooke Lee. Either way, our little one will be a wonderful addition to our family. Even the kids gave their approval to having a little brother or sister.

Jax especially loves babies. He is always playing with other people's little babies, trying to make them laugh, giving them back their toys, offering his own. He's got the instincts already of a big brother.

Lily on the other hand, only wants a little sister. She's decided one brother is more than enough and would like Mommy and Daddy to have a girl. But both are excited at the possibility of a baby in the house. Lily even said "I help you, Mommy" when I asked her how she felt about a baby joining our family.

I can't wait for this pregnancy though. I love my two children but I wasn't ready for a baby and both were surprises to me, completely unplanned. I was thrilled, of course, to have my little girl and little boy. I love being a mother so much. I'm just excited to be ready, to plan a baby, to have the resources to have a good life, that my children are old enough to welcome a little brother or sister into this world and understand what is going on. Lily wasn't old enough to understand that Mommy was pregnant when her little brother showed up, so this time, it'll be this amazing adventure with all of us.

Plus Steve will be home for the pregnancy and for most of the first year, even if he deploys, if I get pregnant by fall. This makes me so happy. The idea of having him home, the idea of having his baby and having our little family grow even bigger just makes me thrilled. I couldn't possibly be happier.

Anyways, that's all I have to say for now. I'll keep you posted :)

Love,
Leah

Serial killers and self-defense

I have become pretty addicted to Dexter, a show about a serial killer who hunts murderers and other serial killers. It's pretty awesome and has fed my one daydream of being a killer who kills murderers and child molesters and rapists, you know, the scum of the earth. I don't think I could kill an innocent person but someone who is stone-cold guilty, yea I think I could do that if I knew I wouldn't get caught.

It's the same reason I love the Boondock Saints movies so much. The idea of vigilante ways appeals to me but I'll probably never do anything about that. I have too much to lose, my family, friends, freedom. The big Fs. And I think that's what keeps me from seeing someone do something heinous and not lose my mind and find a way to make them pay for it, when our court systems fail us so many times.

If there was a killer out there who killed for the right reasons, I wouldn't want him caught. It would be good incentive for people not to step over that line, open that door and walk through into the darkness of humanity.

I day dream alot, about different things. But when I'm at a range, and picturing the target, in my stance, remembering the lessons I was taught regarding my weapon and the bullets inside, I picture the face of the latest child molester to pop up on my tv screen, or the latest corrupt cop who is using his gun and badge for things other than protecting the innocent... and I take a deep breath, steady my hands and aim through my target. I'm almost a perfect shot, fyi. For my next birthday, I'm getting my conceal permit and my dream gun, which is actually torn between two .45s.

I grew up using weapons and I like them. I know how to disarm an attacker with a knife. I know that if someone wants to take me somewhere else, to fight like hell because they probably want to make the kill slower, might as well go down fighting and have a chance of freedom. I know how to flip a man twice my weight and have him fall to the ground without using too much effort of my own. I know the weak spots on a person's body and the pressure points that will disable my attacker. I know these things because I was taught them. Some lessons were given to me by my father (once I sliced his hand open by disarming him with his Kabar). Some were taught by friends. Everyone saw me as a small, petite little thing, easy to overpower without the training, so I was taught. I was taught that my size makes me seem like the perfect victim, which I guess is good because I've had to use my training a time or two in my past, to get away from a bad situation before it got worse. Better me, than some girl who can't defend herself. My daughter will get that same training too.

I often wonder why more girls aren't taught self-defense. Why they aren't taught things like the ability to throw knives or shoot a weapon with better-than average accuracy. Why they aren't given that power of knowing they might be small but size doesn't matter as much as training and most attackers aren't trained. They are simply taking advantage of a situation that appears to give them the upper hand.

My advice to any women out there: get some type of self-defense training. Not kick boxing. Not karate but genuine, self-defense. Whether you learn how to kick a knee cap perfectly or body slam a man twice your size, that's all important. Women who get hurt, 9 times out of 10 don't have any type of training. They are weak, maybe  not by choice, but because they don't know how to protect themselves. And that really bugs me.

So for my next birthday, I'm getting my right to conceal a weapon and wear it when I'm unsure of my environment. The threat of a weapon is the only thing needed by most dirtbags to high tail it. I'm getting my dream gun that I will be trained in using. I will have my protection no matter what. Part of being who I am, growing up the way I did, makes me realize the benefit of firearms and I know the risks, but I also know this: that my children will grow up with a heavy respect for weapons, whether they be knives or pistols or rifles. And that's not only because their father is in the Army, but also because their mother has never touched a weapon that wasn't hers without permission and will teach them the proper way to shoot and the lessons that are involved. Lessons I might write later, when I have the time.

It's funny how a show about serial killers makes me think about my own protection, and those I love. I will be prepared for anything when it comes to my family and I will not rely on my husband to do it. Partially because I never know when he'll be gone and partially because I know I am capable.

Anyways, much love and please, ladies, listen to what I said. Get into self-defense class and kick ass. There is no reason any woman should be at the mercy of a man, ever.

Moving & Religion

It's 240am local time. I'm stressed out by the amount of projects we have to get done by April 2nd. Yep, I know my date of when the movers will come and pack our stuff out to ship to Fort Lost-in-the-Woods, Missouri. I'm excited and sad at the same time.

I moved to Louisiana almost a year ago, to get away from my past and to welcome my future and to wait on my Soldier. I had been living in NY at this time last year, hating where I was, hating my mother (for many reasons, but for one very important one, she threatened to kill me by holding a shotgun aimed at my face), hating the cold and the snow and the lack of happiness to be found there. I needed to get myself and my children away from her. At the time, Steve was deployed and I was back in my family's town trying to figure out my life. It wasn't my hometown, I was a Military Brat and because of that, I never really had a hometown. (Although, I do call Jersey my home state.) He had come to NY on his R&R from Afghanistan and hated that place as much as I did and told me that he wanted me to move to Louisiana and get away from the bad stuff that kept me so unhappy. So in early March or April (honestly, I forgot exactly when I moved because it doesn't really matter), I moved to Louisiana with the kids to wait for our hero to come home. I met new people and fell in love with this state for what it offered me: Freedom from my family (mainly my mother), a home to set up and a future with my Soldier.

Since moving here, Steve came home in August of 2011, he and I got married. I met his family, wonderful friends and fell in love with the local foods (Cajun and Creole are amazing dishes). I miss things from the other places I've lived but at the same time, I love the small-town America vibe this place has. And soon, we will move to another place that I've never been, we will be surrounded by new people, living in Army housing on post (since it will only be for a year) and we will be celebrating our One year married, and our three years together in Missouri. Lily will start Kindergarten and Jax will be in preschool. I'm thinking of heading back to school for a Psychology degree and taking advantage of my father's GI Bill (as is my right as a survivor).

To move, however, we have to sell our house, make it appear perfect (which adds to so much of my stress), finish my dental things, and finish packing things that clutter our home (aka all the stuff that I won't be needing until at least May). There is nothing easy about PCSing. The thing that makes me grateful, though, is that I won't have to think too much about my in-laws and their misunderstanding and their lack of knowledge about my faith (which is our biggest obstacle in my relationship with them).

I really don't know how to deal with them. All I know is that my religion is misunderstood by them and I probably am misunderstanding their own, except I have asked my husband questions concerning their faith and found myself confused. Don't get me wrong, I know the Catholic church has some issues and possibly some corruption. I know that we have what people would consider "False Idols" in Saints (which, fyi, we don't worship, we simply pray to them in our time of need, we acknowledge their legacies and pray that they will guide us. However, I still accept Jesus (even if sometimes I question things too much) in my heart, and always have. I believe that God has so much to do with six billion (or is it seven billion now?) on earth and he delegates to the Angels and the Saints to help His people. But I also believe that other faiths are probably just as right and wrong as my own, that there are many paths into Saint Peter's Gates, that there are many different faiths that have lessons worthy of learning. I don't believe that any church could possibly have all the answers, nor does the Bible, but I do believe that it holds valuable information and lessons that I hang on to with my heart. I don't know all the answers, but I do know that there are good people who aren't Christian and there are bad people who are. I don't believe in a cruel God who would send good people to hell just because they are born into a faith or chose to believe in a certain faith that is contrary to the Christian way. Just as I do not believe that God would allow bad people into Heaven, who are neither deserving or repentant.

Some of my favorite parts of being catholic are confession, mass, communion and traditions. I love how you can go into any Catholic church in the entire world and the feeling inside is always the same, and for me, it means home, family and something divine. There is usually the same smell too, a mix of perfumes, the unscented candles that burn, the incense that burns purification, and the holy water always feels the same, cool to the touch yet warms on your heart and head as you cross yourself. I have a cross my father brought me back from Italy that was blessed by the Pope and I have my rosary that I've had for so long, a bracelet with pearls and the crucified Christ. I remember the lessons from Sunday School and Summer camp. I remember my first Communion and my confirmation.

I won't make my kids become Catholic though. I don't think I want my decedents entering my church, however I don't want them in my in-law's church either. It honestly terrified me to be there. I saw judgement where in my own, I saw love. I heard the sermon and found myself confused because it was of not judging others while judging them at the same time. I don't want my children being raised to believe that judging anyone, without a real cause is wrong. For example, you can judge a pedophile because he is a monster, not a human being but you cannot judge a young Muslim girl just because of her faith. The Pedophile prays on children, destroying their innocence and taking away the path their lives should have gone. The Muslim child has harmed no one and her only fault is by being born into a Muslim family.

The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, est pater, est filius, et spiritus sanceti. That is the Holy Trinity. That is what I believe in. Let me explain. I believe that God is the Father, he is my Heavenly Father as my Dad was my Earthly one. He created me (whether or not evolution was involved, which I believe is part of the "Seven Days" it took for God to create the Earth, pardon me, I consider science as well as the Bible for the beginnings of the human race) and everything else on Earth, past and present. Jesus, the Son, died for my sins and is my Savior, he has repented for me (although I also repent for my own sins, through confessions). And the Holy Spirit is that part of your soul that is drawn to the Heavens, the part that allows you to do Good and to make peace in the world. If you are good and try to be a good person and devote yourself to your own faith, the Holy Spirit inside you connects you to God and Jesus, but if you are bad and remorseless about your faith, then your Holy Spirit is replaced by a void inside. Now, don't misunderstand me, I don't know if this is what all Catholics believe (there have been so many branches break off and bend to the wills of the people, but this is what my Priest as a child explained to me). I don't believe my friends who are atheist or even agnostic are bad people, and I don't believe they'll go to Hell unless they die with a Hate in their heart that is incurable, however none of my friends, not even the ones with Anti-Christian tattoos are headed for hell. Not that I know of anyways. If they are, then most likely I'll follow them, as we agree on so much of life and only disagree where God is concerned, although we don't talk about our differences of faith. It's unimportant to our friendship and the love that we share.

I think I started to ramble. I didn't mean to but I just can't seem to explain myself right. Not on here, nor to his family. I can't explain how hard it is for me because Faith has never been a big issue in my life. I've had friends in so many different ones, but they all carried values that mattered to me: Loyalty, Courage, Honor, Integrity, Self-less Service, Duty and Respect. I don't care what others believe, and I doubt God would be that Hateful to people who carry these values at the core of themselves. Anyways, my in-laws disagree with most of what I've said before, which is basically what I wrote above. They don't understand how I can't see how "lost" I am, and I don't understand why they would think that. But when two different worlds meet, you can't help but have misunderstandings. I only pray that one day, we will be able to sit down and find ourselves looking past those differences, because as one human to another, from myself to you still reading, I don't think it matters nearly as much as we think it does.

Anyways, it's now 340 and I just spent an hour releasing thoughts from my worried mind. I wish I could talk to my in-laws like I can talk to my friends or even the "Moms" that have adopted me as part of their family. It would be nice to talk to my mother-in-law about kids or her son and how proud I am of him and how wonderful a man she raised. Maybe one day it will happen....

Good Night again.

Love,

Always and Forever,

Leah

frustrated days

Sometimes you just don't want to remember the times where you are surrounded by idiots, whether they be government officials or doctors or just plain out shop employees in the px.

But sometimes you should remember the people in those days that keep you that one or two steps from total homicidal rage taking place. Today, I have to thank my husband, for being who he is, taking my son to orientation and letting me stay home and sleep. The lady at the shopette who wished me well as I bought a pack of cigarettes at 430 in the morning after spending 4 useless hours in the e.r. based on them telling me to come in. The doctor I saw today who answered all of my questions completely and made sure I had what I needed before I left his office. The lady in the bjach parking lot with a lighter who made me laugh and let me vent to her about my day and told me "god bless you" as we parted. My daughter for not complaining when I put on a movie (a kids movie) I wanted to watch but that she had little interest in. My friends who have wished me luck for tomorrow's procedure on my back, the prayers my family is offering for the same. All these people kept me from being that total wreck of a person who was very close to shanking anyone who pissed me off next.

I now have a doc at bjach I actually like and have already scheduled my follow up with him because the rest seem to care very little about the quality of.care and even less about answering my many questions. He was concerned about both.

I have my appt to get the spinal injections in 12 hours and if I had the energy, I am sure I would be terrified. Wait til tomorrow, I probably will be both terrified and in pain.

As of now, I am waiting for my sleep aids to kick in and send me to la la land with dreams of unknown spoils or spooks. Until then, stand up comedy and my kindle app on my phone will help a lot.

Love,

For now & forever,

Leah

Ps. Heard this and had to laugh since I am bipolar...

Someone said "Omg you're bipolar, that's terrible." And I said, "yes but only half the time."

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Good to bad to good again.

Today was almost an absolutely terrible day. I had a horrible wake up in the middle of the night (which I explained on my 3am blog) but I had woken up later in a pretty decent mood. I had cuddled with my husband for over an hour extra (since PT was canceled) and had coffee brewing when I got up. All in all, a great start to the day. Made some calls that were practically useless then got the mail. The mail had my kids citizens born abroad paperwork returned to me because I hadn't reported them to the embassy (even though I had tried several times to do) when they were born. I then spent 40 minutes listening to a phone ring trying to call the State Department only to be told that I had to return to Canada to go to the Embassy to get it done. Are you kidding? Anyways, we've come up with a different plan and all will be well there.

My husband, in every attempt to cheer me up, brought home pizza to bake in the oven, let me relax and then we bought Kindles. The Kindle Fire and the Kindle Touch along with a few novels I've been wanting to buy for a while on the Kindle. I downloaded the Kindle app to my phone so I could start reading them and am in a pretty good mood now. I don't know what I would do without Steve. He is literally my source of comfort, security and strength. Before him, I survived, and it's my instinct to find a way to survive without help, but now that we're married, he allows me to vent and get it out so I can live again. And that's what I'm doing. I'm living.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment with the kids going to the CDC in the afternoon for a few hours so I can relax at the appointment and only worry about myself. Then on Wednesday, I have my back appointment (thank God!!) and the kids will be in the CDC again for even more hours. I am not looking forward to the procedure, but I am glad that I won't have to worry about them.

Thursday is Lily's birthday and she has Dance Class that afternoon, followed by Spegetti and cake and a small gift from Mom and Dad and one from Bubba to celebrate. Her party is Saturday.

Friday they have a dental appointment in Alexandria and I'm going dress shopping for the 1MEB Sweetheart Ball on the 3rd of Feb. I can't wait. It's the first Army ball since we've gotten married that we get to go to and I'm excited to dress up and spend some alone time with my hubby. I even had a few wives volunteer to babysit that night for me that aren't part of the 46th or any of the Companys bellow it.

Saturday is Lily's party and we have over 25 kids coming!! It will be alot of fun packed into three hours and I just hope my back can handle it. Otherwise, I'm going to be ready to cry by the end of the day. But with Steve, I'm sure he'll make sure I get to sit down as much as possible and do the majority of the work. My ex used to say he was the guy who got shit done, but he wasn't. Steve is. Steve pretty much wills something to happen and it does. He might have to work at it but eventually he gets his way. And I'm so grateful for that. I love him beyond belief.

I couldn't live without my husband. Without him, I'd be merely surviving. Sometimes, I have to remember that because I don't think I always appreciate what he gives me and I need to. I need to remember to be grateful for the love he gives me, I need to remember all that he does for me.

Love,
For Now and Forever,
Leah

4am pain

I just woke up crying in pain from my right arm hurting and my left leg aching. Steve had to wake me up because it was so bad and I was crying. I don't even understand how I managed to hurt opposite sides. All I do know is that I am waiting for my pain killers to kick in and send me to sleep again.

I try to stay so positive these days, but the pain is making me bitchy and my attitude is strong and thriving. I keep trying to focus on the good things like Lily's first real party (got the cake ordered, party favors bought, snacks and activities planned), like the ladies on Recruited ByLove who make life so nice and keep things interesting, like how good life will be after the procedure is done, like our couples retreat Jan 19th, like how by September, Steve and I can start trying for a baby. All good things to look forward to, but my head is so focused on pain, I can't help it. I am short fused and in pain. Not a good combo.

So comedy and pain killers are my relief. And avoiding people this weekend. I am just glad its only a few more days.

I love my husband, my children and my cat. So I need to be back in full health.

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Good-Bye 2011

2011 is coming to an end. And this year, I can't help but count my blessings. I am married to a wonderful man, have two beautiful kids who are just the lights of my life, and a life that I never expected in a million years.

When Steve came home from deployment, I was the happiest I'd been in a long time. I thought that life couldn't get any better. I have my hero home. Safe and sound. I mean, when you talk about blessings that's the number one on my mind.

Then, after meeting his family, after realizing that I am not what they expected, and yet, still having him love me, to need me in his life, that was another blessing I didn't see then, but I do see now.

Shortly after that, he proposed to me, and I had a wedding to plan. And second to my wedding day, that was the best day of my adult life without having childbirth involved.

And then on November 11th, I married my husband and became an officer's wife. I woke up the next morning to being a wife, to having a husband who is the love of my life. Who is a million and one things that I can't even begin to describe.

And now, being married, being an army wife... there are so many blessings. I have more now than I had before.  I have a good life. Even my husband is worthy of pride. He received the bronze star. How could I not be a proud wife?

And my children, they love him so much. They see the uniform of the US Army and it reminds them that they have family everywhere. Aunt Becca, Aunt Catie, Uncle Campbell, Uncle Palmer... etc. The wives and the soldiers. To them, just like it was to me, they are all family.

Christmas was filled with joy and love and yes, lots of gifts. I was blessed more than I can even type. My children got a wonderful Daddy, who loves them. I have a husband who would do anything to see me smile, who overlooks my flaws to focus on my good qualities. To me, I won the man lottery. I found the best man and I am blessed.

So, it's time to say good-bye 2011... I look forward to what 2012 means.

four days left

I get married on Friday. Just four short days away. I can hardly believe how quickly this month has flown by and yet, why should I be surprised? A year seemed to drag but when what I wanted was close by and I had to prepare, it flew.

I asked Steve if he was scared and he said no. He said there was nothing to be afraid of. I think I rely on his confidence and faith in us almost as much as I rely on my own thoughts. He is my everything and I think sometimes I get so scared he'll back away.

He's my best friend and the one man I want the world with. We are dorks together, we are lovers, we are great parents and great partners. When it comes to who I trust above all else, it's him. He makes me believe that I'll never be alone, I'll never have to worry. That through the years, all of our dreams will come true and I believe him.

It's just my fears come from "ghosts" in my past. Guys who didn't treat me well, guys who lied, cheated, broke my heart, hurt me, pushed me away and made me feel insignificant. The fact that I now have someone totally the opposite scares me more than having an idiot like that. Because Steve matters more, because he could hurt me more than anyone. The fact that he doesn't want to, the fact that he loves me, the fact that we are getting married... it all makes me feel.. safe.

So I sit here, next to my love as he sleeps and I think... four days... four days until I am his wife. <3

And I can't wait.

Steve and I are going out for Sushi tonight. We are having my birthday dinner between the two of us and I'm really excited, even though we are both exhausted. It's only 8 days until we are married and we want to have one last "date" before then. It's so strange to think that I'll be his wife in little over a week... I have been waiting for this moment for most of my life... After several bad relationships, it's amazing to think I finally found the one... the one man I get to spend forever with. No more dating, no more wondering if someone loves me. No more wondering what tomorrow holds, I know. I know where my life is leading, what it holds. And I am so grateful.

I prayed for him. I wonder if I ever mentioned that... I prayed after the way my last relationship ended that I would find the one who would love me for me... who would take me as I am and inspire me to be better and by the Grace of God, or luck of the draw, if you don't believe in God, I found my soul mate. <3 I found the one... 

And tonight, we celebrate my twenty-fourth birthday (which was yesterday) and the start of the best year of my life. This year I get to be married... then when we're ready, maybe this year, maybe next year, we will try for my third, or our third, child... And I can't wait....

The kids are watching a Dinosaur movie, while we wait for our sitter to arrive. So I'm going to go.

Much Love,

For now and Forever,

Leah

My military life

I am blessed to be back in this life that I love. This life that I had almost put in my past forever. I am happy with the life that I am blessed to share with my soon-to-be husband, my children, my friends, my family.

I have really awesome friends. Becca and Pody are holding a dinner tonight for Catie and I. Our birthdays are very soon so they invited us over for a double birthday celebration. They are really awesome friends. We act like a family, a close-knit group that readily accepts a new person as one of their own.

I wish I could explain just how the military family works but there really aren't words. When you go through as much as we do, the friends and family of the servicemen and the servicemen themselves... you bond. You share a certain perspective on life and you share certain qualities. There are things that don't matter to us that matter to civilians and there are certain things that matter to us that a civilian would never even think about, because, let's face the facts, they will never have to endure them.

I was born a brat and lived as one for all of my youth, then I find a Soldier who I could't live without and I realize that my life was training for the next step. Being a brat is different than being a wife, however, being a wife is easier for me because I was a brat. If that makes sense. I know exactly what to expect, how this life works, how bonds are formed, how you can be one place one year and then a completely new place the next, forming the same sort of friendships you had in the previous location. Some people are good at that, some aren't. I consider myself lucky that I am able to find these amazing people, no matter where I am. The only time I have ever struggled was the time I spent in the civilian world, where everyone plays by their own rules, not conforming to a standard that respects the key values. For me, the military life is home. For me, that is where friends truly become family, where you become bonded with these people, like Becca and Pody, who make life seem better. 

I think back to two years ago. I had just found out my father was dead and I was struggling to keep together a relationship that in my heart of hearts I knew wasn't going to work. But now, two years later, I am back home, I have an amazing relationship with the man, who in twelve days will be my husband, and friends who are as close in my heart as family. I know where I stand. It might sound absurd, but the Military offers more than people think. It's not just the hardships we endure that make us stronger, but it's the good times, the fact we celebrate life as much as possible, possibly because life, for us, is more fragile. There is more chance that the hardships could strike again and there is nothing we can do to stop it. So we celebrate... birthdays, weddings, holidays, any day, really. We go out in groups, we take care of each other, we care. In this life, that is all we can do to survive and make a life worth remembering. We try to forget the bad parts and focus on what we have to smile about. That is one of our key strengths. Our ability to survive. 

Anyways, I'm going to go, but I just wanted to say how happy I am that this is my life again. How lucky I am to find my true love in this life. I wasn't living my life before. I am now. 

For now and forever,

Leah

Love

I sometimes find that I underestimate Steve. He really makes me happy, relieves my stress. I told him how much I was worried about him changing his mind. His answer: pull me into his arms and tell me that is never going to happen. I am the only woman for him. It made me tear up. I am absolutely in love and so amazingly blessed.

Tonight, he took us all out to dinner to the catfish junction. Let me say their alligator and catfish are amazing!!! During dinner, we talked about our vows and then I asked if I died would he remarry, his response was serious and steady. No, he would not. It took him so long to find me, he couldn't imagine trying to find anyone after me. That I have his heart until he dies. And he then told me that he would want me to but just like him, I can't imagine anyone ever measuring up to the man he is. Right after that, Jax had to go to the bathroom so our sweet moment was interrupted by a three year old boy who has, in reality, become Steve's little man. The two of them spend so much time together sometimes I just stare at the way my son looks at the man I love and know that in his innocent mind, that is his hero. Lily is just as in love with him. She gets sad when he leaves for work, despite my best efforts to make her smile. She gets so excited when he comes home. He always picks her up and hugs her while giving me a kiss and telling me he loves me. Then he grabs Jax and makes him giggle uncontrollably. They will never suffer from missing pieces, they have a wonderful step father. And I have an amazing lover who in 13 days will be my husband. Amazing!!!

Anyways, its late and I want to go cuddle next to my love and Luna the lunatic kitty.

For now and forever,
Leah

Sent from my HTC Inspire™ 4G on AT&T

My life now... it's amazing

So I just wrote a blog for my ex's fiance. We had a big blow up between us early last year. It seems strange to me now, considering where my life has gone. I went from struggling every day to being so happy and comfortable and having all my dreams come true. I hate to admit this, but my part in everything that went down was not a small one but I am grateful for how I can look at that past mistake as it is... a past mistake.

I am, however, sad that today is the 2nd anniversary of my father's death. Today brings back memories of the day he died. I think the reason I clung so hard to my ex after our break up was how he was to me that day and the horrible days that followed. I had a broken heart due to my father's death and I couldn't see past the darkness except for the comfort I had to cling to. I miss my father, with all my heart but honestly, my father's death meant my life had to change... and it has. Not only did I find my true love but I found my life's purpose, my  goal in life. I am a wonderful mother, whose kids are growing into kind, respectful, polite and playful kids. They are happy, healthy and now have a man who is so much like my father, it sometimes takes my breath away. I, now, have what I'd always wanted and never dreamed of... a soon-to-be husband who loves me completely, who laughs with me, who holds me while I cry, who wants my life to be more about joy and less about surviving. I am marrying someone above the caliber I thought I could. I am marrying a Captain, I am part of the world I felt most at home with again, I am blessed with a comfortable home, plenty of food in my fridge and freezer, room for my children to grow, a community I understand and appreciate. I am truly happy. Truly in love.

This morning, I broke down and cried. Steve was at PT when I woke up and the day... what today is... hit me. I curled up on the couch and cried. When he came home to change, he sat next to me, pulled me into his arms and just held me while I cried. He only let go when I was ready. He kissed me and told me that my father would be proud of me, and then he whispered that he loved me and couldn't wait until I become his wife. I know how blessed my life has become.

Today also held something joyous. My wedding dress arrived. It's the most beautiful gown I have ever owned and probably will. My wedding will be the most wonderful day of my life, not counting the day I had Lily or the day I had Jax, or the days I have Steve's children, which we have planned to start trying for in a year. It is my joy that I can have a big family, a beautiful wedding, and spend the rest of my life with the man I have always wished for but never believed existed.

So, I am not angry anymore. I have moved forward and I am happy. I am in love, I am a million adjectives to describe perfect joy but words aren't enough. What is enough is the knowledge that my life is worth it, that our lives together are worth it, that my children will always be loved and cared for and  comfortable. They do not want for anything, they are spoiled with more toys than they need, more clothes than they need, and have more love than I ever imagined they would, after all my mistakes. We go to church, we eat meals together as a family, we smile and laugh... we read stories before bed, we play together, we do things as a family.

And most importantly, we will always have that.

---------

Daddy, I miss you still, I always will. You were my first hero and always will be.

Rest in Peace, always loved, forever remembered, endlessly missed.

--------

Steve, I can't wait to become your wife. Only 15 days!!!! I love you, for now and forever!!! xoxox

--------

Crystal, be happy, be in love, have the life you want. I hope you do. :)

-------


Love always,

Leah

My engagement ring

I was blessed with the perfect man who gave me the perfect ring and is giving me the perfect life...or as close to it as anything on earth... 

I love you, Stephen

Almost... just a few more HOURS!!!!

He'll be home tonight <3 <3 <3

approaches

Flowers he sent me.

Banner I got him.