Deployment is dead.

 He's home!!!!!!!!!! We did it. One year down!!! Take that deployment!!!! You can go die! I have him home and you can't have him back for a long, long time or until you order the next issues. Whichever is longest.

Almost... just a few more HOURS!!!!

He'll be home tonight <3 <3 <3

approaches

Flowers he sent me.

Banner I got him.

I love my Soldier. He's coming home soon. But since I can't break OPSEC and say when, I'll just say that next Friday night I'll be cuddling with him instead of sitting alone updating my blog.

I am so glad this year is done. I need him home. I need to have my happiness... I deserve it. We deserve it. We love each other.

Guess what?

and I can't wait...

Homecoming

Homecoming is FAST approaching!!! I'm super excited. I have almost everything done that i want to do (just two kinda big things left) but soon, I'll be totally done and he'll be home... <3 yay!!! I made him some homecoming gifts::: a jar full of red, white and blue hearts :) and a film canister that will hold all of the letters that I can't send him while we're in this 'tween area. Things are coming along nicely :) I couldn't be happier.

Also today, I got three "new" books, some of my favorites... "Of Mice and Men," "A Brave New World" and "Animal Farm." I also got the last book in a silly teen trilogy that I have been reading. My book shelf feels happy with the newest additions.

Tonight, I'm dying my  hair bright red again, just in time for homecoming. I'm also wearing pirate boots, jeans, a cute shirt that says "Captain's wench" cute accessories, and a yellow ribbon tied in my bright red hair. :) I'm gonna look hot. :) Soooooooooo excited.

One step closer

So Today is one day closer to being reunited with the love of my life ♥ I'm super excited and starting to get really panicked at the same time... A year is a long time and things do change. Just physically speaking, my hair is longer, my skin is darker, my face is a little older, I have a few more scars than I had before he left... Not even to say the ways I have grown as a woman.

I have grown and matured over the past year. Raising my kids and doing 3 moves by myself was tough... but somehow I managed to pull it off. I discovered the true strenght of my spirit, the true hight of my endurance and the true nature of... my soul, my heart, my purpose. I have realized more of my flaws while living entirely on my own (besides my children). I've learned what I can handle alone and what I can't. I have witnessed the best in myself during moments I was forced to overcome myself and do more than I had ever done.

I have also found more purpose over this past year than I have had in a long time, at least since working at LRMC in Germany. I founded Recruited ByLove, which made me realize my true dream in life: To be there for the American Military and the families and to find a way to make a positive difference in their lives. So far, I am limited to offering support and smiles. 

I have changed. There's no doubt. I just hope he loves those changes as much, if not more, than the me he fell for. It would break my heart completely if he doesn't. 

July 1st, 2011

Happy Canada Day! Well, it's my first one outside of Canada for years and my first Fourth of July weekend in the States after nearly 7 years. I'm super excited. I just wish Steve was home to celebrate also. I've been writing letters and cleaning and getting ready for homecoming. There is still alot to do and I'm not sure how I'm going to get it all done but when push comes to shove, I normally manage to do the things I need to do. Sometimes, I don't even know how.

It is July. July means that next month my Soldier will FINALLY be home after months and months of him being so friggin far away. I'm so grateful he's coming home. I really need my Captain home.

Anyways, I've been super busy and should actually being busy right now but had to take a minute and share. There's been alot on my mind and I'm not really sure how to explain it. All I know is that somehow I feel like things are hanging in the balance. Yea, that's a good explanation.

Well, I'm off to clean and get my kids fed and put down for a nap. Soon enough our lives are going to change. Right now, I'm going to enjoy these moments where it's just them and me, because soon enough, there's a man who is coming home, who will pretty much make our lives complete and the best part is, he wants to.

Love, love, love, Leah

A beautiful for horse to carry my thoughts.

Maybe not for the first time, and I pray not the last, I received the most perfect gift I have ever been given. Yesterday, I received a package from Afghanistan. Some of Steve’s stuff he’s sending home early. In the box was his book collection (he’s an uber-nerd and I love it), a few random things, decks of cards, a card from a 6 year old boy and some paperwork. But also inside the box, a special surprise for me. It’s a beautiful leather-bound journal from Afghanistan. Handmade, clothlike paper, with the most beautiful design: a horse with an English saddle, beautiful patterns all over it repeating and bound together with a thick and strong string. To close it, the cover must be put down properly and the string wrapped around it a few times, looping it at the end to hold. The best part is that he wrote in it for me. I never asked for a journal and although I know he knows I write and search for the right thing to write in, I don’t think I fully expected the kind of heart he really has. This just proves it.

I’ve never had a guy before who really knows me. He knows that I love postcards from random places (I got another yesterday) and he knows that I love to write and read and that my dreams are more creative than practical. He knows I’m emotional and have issues and that I don’t really know a lot of things that other people know. He knows that I just dream of happiness and love and that if there are struggles in every other way, it’s ok. That I don’t need the fancy car or a ton of shoes (although I do have a boot thing going on), all that I really need is a book, a place to write, a camera (ok I really like my laptop and I like my phone, I’m was raised in the 90s, what do you expect?) and that it doesn’t bother me to sit outside in the middle of nowhere and just watch the clouds pass by. Sure, I am an adventurer, there is no other way to explain my life and my continued faith in a good outcome. I thrive with adventure as much as I enjoy being boring. I need a balance in my life. I feel I don’t get enough adventure anymore and when I do, the fix doesn’t seem to last as long anymore. I hope that changes.

Right now I’m riding the high of receiving the journal and the letter and postcard, He has a heart of gold and I hope I always keep that in mind and never forget and disappoint him. It’s my worst fear these days… I didn’t write this in my new journal because the words in there should be more beautiful. It’s so beautiful that everything in their should be an effort to create something beautiful, something lasting, something real and profound… I said an effort.

Well, I should go. Early morning “Mom” duties are calling. My kids should learn how to sleep in.

There is a hero in all of us.

I really do, firmly, believe that there is a hero in all of us. It is up to us what we do with the potential we have inside. I find that life is amazing when you know for a fact you have saved someone's life. It is humbling and truly moving to remember just how it felt to know that it was because of you they got to see tomorrow too. I wish I had more chances to save people, but I know there are different types of heroes.

There is the mother, who is the hero in her child(ren)'s eyes She is resilient and firm, yet loving and kind. She remembers that she is their guide and their moral compass. It is up to her, more so than anyone else, who the child one day becomes.

There is the friend who listens when she gets a call at 2 in the morning as her best friend cries about a guy who broke her heart, the boy she grew up with who came home from war with ptsd and nightmares who needed someone to listen. She is the ear and comfort, the strength when they are weak She carries their burden as readily as her own, and yet, almost, never shares her true heart, the secrets she has never written, never spoken.. She is a hero and yet she is unsung.

Then there is the child who stands behind a parent that deploys. Quietly accepting his/her life serving the country without recognition, without choice, drafted by birth. The child who serves is more patriotic and heroic than any other. The child that serves accepts that his/her parent might not come home and they accept it because of honor, duty and love of Country. They understand that there is a sacrifice that must be made for the arrogance of failed diplomacy, because that's what war is...

That sacrifice sometimes must be paid in blood, but it isn't the blood of the diplomats or politicians, it is their blood, their parent... It is their burden, as well as the mother's and the father's. While only one might die, all might pay. The truest heroes are the Serving families that pay the price for our freedom. It isn't free. Why do so many forget? So why can't we also be heroes? At least, when we can...

Pay for someone's lunch, call that friend you haven't spoken to in a while because they were angry or sad and you just couldn't take it. Spend your life trying to do good. Try to be a hero in some way to someone... Believe it or not, it doesn't take the ultimate sacrifice. Not all of us are brave enough to be that way... And that's ok. We don't have to be. Just do something good. Pick a place and start. It's better than doing nothing... Just my thoughts...

Just one of those days.

I'm sorry for feeling sorry for myself. It's just been one of those days for me... My prayers still go out to the victims of the horrible storms that swept across our country and for all the families of every Soldier, Marine, Airman, Sailor that never makes it home. <3 I'm sorry. It's just been one of those days for me.

In an effort to make myself feel better I thought I'd post songs that mean something to me... Starting with Kings of Leon ~ Use Somebody... While Steve's been deployed he got to take part in a British version of the USO shows and heard a band play the cover of it. He called me later that night and said he kept thinking about me and that it's one of our songs...

Recently, I reheard a song I hadn't heard in quite a while and it reminded me of why I love Steve, why I need him in my life. The song is called Last Train Home by Ryan Star.

And if you wait for me, I'll be the light in the dark if you lose your way... And if you wait for me, I'll be the voice when you don't know what to say. I'll be your shelter, I'll be your faith, I'll be forever, wait for me. I'll be the last train, I'll be the last train home.

That part always hits me so hard. I miss him with all my heart but I know he's everything for me.

The next song is probably one no one knows. It's called "No you, no me" performed by One Less Reason. It's an amazing song and I know who wrote it (not sayin names haha).

This song is so important to me. And the words never cease to be true.

I'm writing you a letter, at least I'm trying to, but I hate every single word I choose. I tore up lots of paper full of things I thought I meant that never would have wound up getting sent. I keep coming back to these four words, I keep writing them over and over..... NO YOU NO ME. It's a stupid kind of thing to say. I hope you get what I mean. And It's ok that I miss you more than I'm supposed to. It's hard to be No you, no me.

The last song I'll post is more my song... The song that reminds me of me. It's just true. I won't give up. I'll always be there for him. No matter what.

Ok. I'm out.

I love you...

Tonight was ok. I've got a bit of a headache but other than that I'm feeling ok.

I miss you. I don't know if you know that by now, after 307 days... but you should.

You should also know that I love you. <3 

Dear Steve,

 Today we talked, about us. About what I was worried about and about what you had to say too. It was good. I fell in love with you nearly a year ago and I know that our future rests on your heart and your mind, because I know where I stand. You are the man I want to spend forever with. I'll never change my mind there. I have always been my worst enemy but this deployment has taught me about myself in more ways than I thought. This deployment taught me that through sacrifice there is strength, and through strength there is hope. I realized that you are the only man who would do anything for me if it's possible, just to see me happy and healthy. I love the man you are, both in your own life and to me and I'm so thankful to be yours. Hopefully for always.

This deployment has been difficult at times. Moving and getting settled without you here has been so hard to do because it feels wrong, like we're missing something. And we are. We are missing you. I want to start our lives. I want the years of being your wife and mother to our kids to begin now. I want to watch you grow as a man and as an Army Officer. I want you to live your dreams and I want to support those dreams, the way you have supported me since we've been apart. I want to be the woman you deserve for the rest of our lives. I want to be your Nancy.

When I heard your voice today, I felt the fears run away from me for a moment. You are safe, you are alive, and you are thinking of me. I need you in my life, like I've never needed anyone before and I cannot wait to have you home, in my arms and sharing our lives. I love you. I love you. I love you. I could say it a million times more but what good would it do? I love you just the same, even if it's unexplainable to you as to the whys. There are too many reasons, it's overwhelming, remember that list I sent you? Keep that as a reference.

Anyways, the kids are playing and driving me crazy. I have to get organized and I will. I need to make a list of what I need to get done before you come home. I won't tell you all of it, but know that I plan to make it very special. It's a big deal, at least to me, if not to you, so please let me celebrate the returning of my Hero. Until then I hope you stay safe for me and remember the promise you made me... not to make me cry... (which btw, you broke today when you said all those sweet things.)

Come home soon, my sweet Soldier. Come home soon, my Amazing Captain.  Come home to me, Stephen. <3 I love you

me + you = we

I miss you more than anything. You should know that. You should know that you are my everything and that every single moment of every single day I worry that I'm not worth you. Captain and soon-to-be Master of Engineering... you are so incredible and so good. You love me, though I'm not sure I deserve it. I love you more than anything...

I have serious issues

Afghanistan sucks. America Rocks. 

Clearly you should just come home.

I love you. <3 xoxox

please don't forget me....

you didn't call... I miss you.

I am yours.

It doesn't matter how you started, What matters is how you will finish.

I'm hoping the rest of my life is better than it is now. I hope that the best of my past is the worst of my future.... Do you think that's even possible? Steve says it is... I believe him... or I want to believe him. He'll be home soon. In about 2 and a half months... I hope anyways... I just hope he knows I love him as much as I do, which for me is inexplicable. <3

I love my Soldier always, not for a single moment has that changed. 

I am always going to be in love with you.

Thank you for loving me too.

love

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I. ~ Michel de Montaigne

I know I love him, every minute of every day. I get letters and post cards. I get incredibly spoiled and I love him with all my heart... xoxoxoxox

hey you.

I miss you.

wishes of you

 I'm not sure how long it's been but I miss you already. You need to call again soon... I miss you. I'm lonely