I’ve been alone for a while. Deployment kind of sucks major ass. I’ve been sad for a while and I’m not really even sure why. Steve has been deployed for exactly 305 days and will be deployed for a double-digit number more. It’s something I’m used to by now but I miss him every single moment of every single day. I’m trying to get used to living in his house without him and the idea of living with him here is giving me huge nerves. I’m excited and really really nervous. What if he doesn’t want to live with me? What if he doesn’t want to love me anymore? I worry because he’s all that I love and want in the world. I never want to live without him. I want to marry him and I want to have his babies and I want to spend the rest of my life as his wife. But lately, I’m afraid he just won’t want that too. I look at his pictures (they are everywhere in the house) and I love him even more when lines from his letters enter my mind or a song reminds me of how I feel.
And I’m just sad. I have a good life right now, but it could be better and will be better when Steve comes home. I have a cute kitten who loves me beyond everything, two beautiful kids that drive me crazy but are smart and happy and will hopefully have a better life than me. I want to give them the world and I don’t know how to do that. Right now, I’ve been struggling. I think I need to see a psychiatrist but I really don’t want to. I’d rather talk to an Army Chaplain but I’m not sure how that works. I realize I’m the daughter of a Hero and that helps, but I’m also “just a girlfriend” and it’s really odd for me. I hate how I am not at home yet. I hate that I still feel pretty alone. I’m trying to convince my best friends to come see me. I’m lonely and the phone makes me feel lonelier. Texts are just disappointing and phone calls are rarely a joy anymore (only his). I miss my homestate, I miss Germany, I miss Vancouver and I miss my friends.
I miss my friends in Jersey because back then, despite how fast we grew up, we still had this core group that hung out and talked and I remember one day in Marmaluk’s classroom, I had bruises on my arms and Dustin exposed them. Different kids were suddenly telling me their stories. Drunk parents, dead-beats, drugs, alcohol, the same different story over and over. And it was the first time I’d ever been accepted for the darkness in my writing. In Jersey, I had guys that would have done anything to protect me. Once a girl made me cry and Dustin made her cry back. I got stalked and suddenly I had body guards. I had people who loved me, even if there weren’t that many.
In Germany, I blossomed into the full-blown rebel that I would become and eventually move past. I drank a lot and smoked a lot. I was popular and had tons of friends including some pretty amazing ones. I miss it sometimes. But mostly, I wish I could change how it ended there. It was such a terrifically sad way to end an era.
Then Manitoba gave me two children and lessons learned before Vancouver opened my mind up even more. I loved that city. I watched the Olympics and watched a Country explode with happiness as they won the most Gold medals after in the overtime against USA Hockey game. I met an amazing girl who became one of my best friends for life. I met the man I love today there after I’d suffered two great blows. Sometimes I know that these places are chapters of my life that one day, maybe I’ll write about every shameful detail, but until then, these memories and the faces that I knew… most of them who are gone now due to war and cancer, mostly, they haunt me.
New York sucked except that I got to see my Gram a few times and made friends with some pretty interesting and good people. It was too cold for my taste and too dirty and depressing. I was glad to get out of there.
Now I’m in Louisiana and I really don’t know what to think. I was attacked by some random chick who proved her ignorance, I have been getting creepy stalkerish messages and had middle of the night visits from three different guys that I made leave (one neighbor and two friends of neighbors) and it’s just weird. At the same time, some people are really great but I have no idea how to make friends anymore, so I’m sort of lonely.
And in a certain amount of days, my future is truly going to begin. Starting when Steve finally kisses me for our third first time and hopefully continuing forever. I just hate not knowing. I hate being so unsure. I am madly in love with that man and couldn’t imagine anyone else. He’s all I ever need. And I miss him. I fell in love with a Soldier and that means I have too much time to think. I do pray more than I ever have though. To God, to my grandfather, to my Daddy… I pray that they will protect Steve and give him peace and to send my love over the miles of ocean and land and that they will bring him home to me. Nothing else matters.
Well, I have to go. I just thought I’d write for once. I’ve been kind of neglectful.
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