Fear.

I'm scared.  Since finding out that my rundown feeling was more than just being rundown, I was wondering if any of you have gotten sick without your man (and I mean more than a flu or something) and how did you handle it? Because if I am truly honest, I'm scared to death somethings going to happen to me. And I don't know what would happen to my kids or anything. 

I'm only 23, almost 24. I'm young and I'm scared this time. I've almost died before, but i wasn't a mother then. It scares me so much that they would be alone. Their biological father has not seen them since summer of 09. That's almost two years. Two years august. He's spent less than 5 months with my son and 22 months with my daughter, where he was barely around, because hanging with the boys was too much fun. He barely makes payments and doesn't have a job. It's a miracle I've managed to raise these kids on my own half the time. 

And then I met Steve and my whole world changed. He is the kindest and smartest and funniest and most understanding man I've ever known. He cares for my children but he's not their father and I don't know how that would work for them... 

It's so hard for me somtimes because I can't have anything happen to me. I have to be here. And then I thought, what would being sick do to Steve, who is deployed right now? What would I tell him? How would I tell him that we didn't get to have happily-ever-after and not because of an act of war but because my own body betrayed me? 

I'm sitting here, crying, feeling so alone. Because the idea of losing him and losing my kids is hard enough, but the idea of me not being there is absolutely devastating. How could I handle that? How could I leave my babies without a mother, alone in the big bad world? We don't really have anyone who could take care of them. It's been forcing me to think about a will. I don't have one, but I do have a living will. Which basically says if I'm on life support, take me off it if I am confirmed brain dead and donate what organs you have except my heart. I want my heart cremated. I know that seems weird but I want my heart scattered amongs the most beautiful garden I've ever seen, in Germany. It was where I really started becoming the person I am. 

I'd just arrived in Germany in 04. I was feeling really alone and lonely and my mother was sick and my Dad was in the Spec Ops and he just wasn't home and when he was, he was drunk. So my first month there, I take the train and two buses to get there. And as I'm walking around these gardens surrounding an old crumbling castle, I pictured the old world, the homeland, the royals and nobles that walked around there. I imagined the men and women that fought there. That spent their lives there without what we have today. I imagined the simplicity and the values. 

I imagined the girl who waited for her Soldier, just a regular footman, living in the village below and looking up at those gardens drinking in their comfort. I imagined a life that came before. And as I walked those gardens, imagining these scenes, I realized that the path I was on, the one that was leading me straight to hell, well it couldn’t continue. I mean it’s okay to be rebellious, it’s in my very nature to rebel or challenge the “rules and standards” where I see unfairness and treachery. 

And now all I see is unfairness, if I am sick. I see my beautiful happy children lost and alone and without me. I see the love of my life alone with all of my things and I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. I was there once before, surrounded by my first love and best friend’s things after he died. I’m scared. I’m really scared. And I just want everything to be okay.  I wish Steve was here to tell me everything’s going to be ok. I am so alone.