Lay your head down

Lay your head down, Love

Dream sweetly tonight

I'll watch over you

Til Morning Light

I am mesmorized

Caught under your spell

I adore you more

Than words could tell

I'll protect your heart

with all my might

Lay your weary head down

And dream sweetly tonight

my favorite lines he's ever written

July 1, 2010

"I don't know how effectively I conveyed my thoughts, but you are in my head alot. I love that I have a little part in  you becoming who you really want to be."

July 25, 2010

"I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the point when he made Pearl Harbor and that is an awful lot girl."

Aug 29, 2010

 "I love every letter you write me. Just seeing the letter makes me smile. I miss you and hope I get to talk to you soon."

Sept 4, 2010

"I miss ya, can't wait to hold ya."

Sept 5, 2010

"I wish I could talk to you more and hear about everything in real time... So when all your topsy-turvy moving around ends and you are settled somewhere, where do you want our first get-away to be? Start thinking because there is still alot of the world and U.S. I haven't been yet and we need ideas. I can't wait to see you  and go somewhere with you. Even if it's just a park, because parks have grass and clouds, two things we don't have here. I miss ya, can't wait to hold ya."

Oct 27, 2010

"I think of you often and I can't wait til we see each other again."

Oct 30, 2010

"I think we can be really good for each other for a really long time. I miss holding you, I miss you wanting to be closer to me. I miss just walking around and talking to you. For me, you are the perfect mix of the cute girl, sexy girl, smart girl, shy girl, bold girl, and lady girl. ... You are wonderful, not perfect but perhaps perfect for me. My parents won't approve of you; tattooed catholic girl who wakes me up in the middle of the night... I think you are cute and sexy, but I'm also turned on by how your mind works and the level of common sense you have ... I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your hot little body squirming in my arms. I miss how you taste and smell. All of this will make us seeing each other again that much better."

'Ps. is this all crazy? yep, but normal people's lives suck, I'd rather be crazy."

Nov 10, 2010

"The sexy photo you sent me tonight is up on my laptop monitor. I really want to just pick you up and hold you and kiss every part of you. But I'm stuck here in Afghaniland with a bunch of dudes, definitely my loss."

Nov 15, 2010

"Seeing you last night on Skype was awesome. I went to bed with a smile. :P I just wanted to reach out and touch you or just pull you through the screen into Afghanistan or Jump through to New York. I like the hair brunette but you can make it pretty much any color you want. Your goofy smile was beautiful and I loved the way you looked in the tank top. I really wanted to just touch your soft skin and feel your hug" ... "I miss you, I can't wait to see you again. I really want to hold you and just spend time with you talking about whatever stuff. You are incredible and I feel fortunate that you want to be with me. Eventually I'm going to let you down in some way or the Army is going to let us both down but I really hope whatever tough times come we can grow closer and keep this special thing we have going. I miss you."

Nov 24, 2010

"I am the luckiest guy in the world because you don't want an out. I think we are perfect for each other and I hope we never have a fight but if we do we are sooo going to make up after. I miss you to the nth degree as n approaches infinity. Tomorrow is thanksgiving, woot woot. I really do have alot to be thankful for. A girl who calls me hero. A family who loves me. The opportunity to lead American Soldiers. And a girl who can't wait to hold me. ~ I mentioned you twice...... I miss you Babe and need to go to bed. I can't wait to hold you and feel your tight little hug. I feel like we grew together tonight and both became stronger people together. Every problem you ever have, I want to help you solve. And every problem I ever have, I want your input and encouragement. You mean alot to me. I miss you. Your Captain, Steve (even when I am a Major, I want to be your captain."

This is going to be an adventure

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you

missing you hurts

I woke up this morning at around 530. I just couldn't sleep. I guess it's that time of deployment. It's the part where the random tears come and the missing grows stronger. The part where every happy couple I see, I want to punch and make them go away. But it's also the time I start my countdown for r&r. I miss you. I just want you to know that you are the reason for me. The reason I want good in my life, the reason I don't want to let go, no matter how hard this deployment is. I wish we had more realtime romance but I know somehow we'll figure it out....well i gotta go. Miss you... can't wait for your voice.

weeping angel

A broken girl cries out in the night,
A perfect weeping angel if she just had wings.
Betrayed by her reality, alone with her regrets,
She begs the stars for one more moment,
Just long enough to say good-byes,
Tell him that she loved him,
That he was the perfect man,
She never thought he’d go so soon.
A million and one broken dreams,
She’s not sure she’s strong enough.
Tear-stained cheeks and blood-shot eyes,
Weary and worn from so deep a loss,
Her mind clings to long, lost memories,
A little princess and her King,
A montage of the life she used to have.
She curls her knees to her chest,
Hugging her broken heart, afraid to come undone
The night remains still, unforgiving and cold
A broken girl, alone and lonely, cries
A perfect weeping angel if she just had wings.


Miss you daddy.

a few days...

Babe,

It's been a couple days since I heard from you live. I hope I get to hear from you soon. Hope if your "out" you are safe and those marines have your back ;) I miss you. I got your long letter yesterday night and wrote you back this morning. It's really long. Just a warning. And if you weren't warned it means you never read this haha.

Anyways, I am waiting for the cable and phone and internet guy (He's one guy but doing three jobs) He's going to set me up. I cleaned my livingroom and bedroom again. I'd rather have you here so it matters any.

Oh, last night i also got the Hard Corps Shirts that Sean sent to me. I love them! I can't wait til he does the Army version, I think I'll get all the branches, but for now I have the Marines ones, both the female version and the male version. I love the female version. It says "Faithful Always THEY SHALL REMAIN" it looks pretty badass. And the male version says :Hard Corps. Dogs to loose when war is waged. I have some stuff for you to give out in the carepackage coming from Sean. :)

Anyways, I have to go. But I just wanted to update this. I miss you. Call or write soon. xoxox

it's tough

Babe,

I miss you more than ever today, which is a little amusing considering I missed you more than ever yesterday. Bad things happened last night, things I'm feeling guilty for and wishing I could do more. You know what, since I talked to you this morning, but I still wish I could hear your voice instead of facebook chat. I can't hear your comfort over the internet. :'( i miss you so much and last night was so hard to go through. I barely slept at all, but even when I did, I slept with the phone in my arms. I changed my default ringtone to "Lifeline" by Papa roach. "I've been looking for a lifeline for what seems like a lifetime, I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again, looking for a lifeline" I was in so much pain last night, wondering if I'll ever be forgiven, wondering if she'll ever trust me again, but knowing I did the only thing I could, I heard her pleas and knew what she was doing so I did what anyone who has been there should do. I wish you were here. I wish you could hug me and tell me that everything's going to be alright. I wish that i could hear your voice or see your face or something. I just friggin miss you.

Today, as I said, my goal is to do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I plan on laying around, watching my kids make a mess and teaching them to say "Hooah" and "Oorah" and "I love you, Mom". They already managed "Hooah" and "Oorah" and Semper Fi. It's actually really cute to hear Jax yell it. I think "yep, he's going to follow in my family's footsteps. He's going to be like my Dad or Grandfather or brothers. He's going to be amazing." You'd have a laugh because he gets so excited whenever I put on the videos with Soldiers or Marines in it. I asked Lily what she wanted to do when she grows up and she said "Navy" I think  it's from going to the Navy base the other day. She loved the uniforms and kept smiling at them. She's usually so shy in public!

Other than that, I'll probably stalk the mailman. He smiles at me every day and tells me he's sorry when he has nothing. He knows I'm waiting for you. One of my friend joked I am dating the mailman more than you, and I laughed. He's just holding my letters hostage I think, just so he can see me more often ;) just kidding.

Anyways, babe. I can't wait to talk to you later. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox...

btw. I miss you. more than I ever thought possible. Hope you miss me too.

my birthday night

Tonight, thanks to some help, I found a song... it's called come home by one republic, the song on this sites home page. Anyways, I am listening to it on repeat. The words to it remind me of you Hello World, hope you're listening, forgive me if i'm young and speaking out turn, there's someone that i've been missing, I think that they could be the better half of me, they're in the wrong place trying to make it right, but I'm tired of justifying... i say to you come home, come home, cuz i've been waiting for you for so long, for so long, and right now there's a war between vanities but all i see is you and me, the fight for you is all I've ever known, so come home... I get lost in the beauty of everything I see, the world ain't half as bad as they paint it to be, if all the sons and all the daughters stopped to take in well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin, it might start now or maybe i'm just dreaming out loud. but until then come home, come home everything i can't be is everything you should be and that's why i need i need you here, everything i can't be is everything you should be and that's why i need you here...  so hear this now, come home, come home! cuz i've been waiting for you for so long, for so long and right now there's a war between vanities but all i see is you and me, the fight for you is all i've ever known, so come home..." I can't help but think of you and me and thinking that this is the song that reminds me exactly how i'm feeling. I know you could be my better half, you're everything I wish I could be and I need you in my life, i want you here. I know you will come home soon (at least for leave) and I can't wait to be wrapped in your arms, feeling you near to me, so I can stop missing you. If you ever thought missing me was hard, you should try missing you. It's impossibly hard to get through a day lately without wishing with all my heart you were near or that i could talk to you or text you. I never thought I'd feel this again, not really, but there's you, in the wrong place trying to make it right... I miss you... as always, come home to me, safe and sound. xxx, ooo times infinity <3

It's my birthday night and all I keep wishing is that  you were the last voice I heard today. Or that I can stay up long enough for you to come online and make me smile. if I had my way, I could do more than post another entry here. I miss you...

Stay safe, call soon, and come home safe. You're all I'll ever need.

<3 your girl

Fallen

Fallen like a wounded bird
Straight down from the sky
With a broken wing no one sees
Grounded by unseen forces

Shame filled tears cleanse the dirt covered face
as my secret pains stare back at me
shedding light on dark pasages of my mind
a place no one dares to wander

Regretful pain builds my core
Like energy, it keeps me thriving
Like heroine, it keeps me dying
I can't give it up, it's my only thing

Knocked down and beaten back
seen as guilty so they punish the victim
What is the cost to be free?
Blood and tears or more of my soul?
My fire burns despite the pain.

Complicated planning clouds better judgement
Details too small to ever see the castle through the stone
Standing here lost in a flower
the beautiful petals of fantastic dreams
A lovely illusion it would seem
A glorious adventure new to me

I fall asleep, anxious of my nightly travels
Sobs of worry have taken away my strength
and sent me on the bitter-sweet ride
of a clouded subconsious in a turbulent sky

Fallen like a wounded bird
Straight down from the sky
With a broken wing no one sees
Grounded by forces unseen

I woke up with such a fright
My heart beats with a frenzy of soldiers preparing for battle
I gasp, my lungs thirsty for air, burning from fear
All the dreams are broken, all the dreams are dead

I look to the heavens, I look to the skys
Is anyone out there? will anybody listen?
Grant me strength and give me a sign
I need some help to carry me through

Like a miracle, Fate has spun her web
and captured me a gift, a modern-day knight, it seems
I feel renewed, like sunlight hope spreads it's warmth on me
My heart is calmed by its presence
A fresh dream formed by faith and love.

No longer am I a fallen bird
I am again soaring the skieds
My wounds are healing as you can see
Like a flower, all I needed was love.

It's only fair

I'm finally going home

Goodbye, Canada. I'm done with you. You've brought me almost nothing good. Other than my two beautiful children, you have broken me almost beyond repair. I am just now coming back to life and it's because of an American man who brings the joy into my life.

Even in you

memory

The mirror has always spoken true, my reflection has never lied,
what could create such a state, a fragile smile with broken eyes?
Tear drops dripping down my face, in the quiet restful sleep,
a simple dream about a boy that died and broke my heart plays within my mind.
He stole my smile for quite a while, I'm older now than he was then.
I've had a long, long time to think, he was always so much surer.
Then forever was that much weaker.
I close my eyes to recall-illusions from my psyche.
It thrilled my heart to embrace his smile, made my soul fly to hear his laugh,
which rang out strong and true.
It's been too long, a while, an unfair reality.
My skin is set ablaze by his hand on my cheek.
My face feels like a fire when he gave me one last kiss,
a sad look within his eye and a vague knowing nod, he turns from me.
Heartache painfully renewed, my eyes find my own and I stare into myself.
My heart and mind are racing, why now echoes within and out.
Close my eyes and fight him away.
A wasted life, lost youth and a never-was memory.
Once a year I dream about him.
It's good to hear his laugh, nice to see his smile,
but in the morning, I'll push him back, inside that dark and hidden tomb.
Rest in peace for another year, we'll meet again soon, my dearly departed friend.


Written in the memory of Marcus Shawn Ledford. 10 years after his suicide took him from my life but couldn't tear him from my heart.

Start of deployment

Right now, I feel good. I feel good knowing that you care about me. I feel good knowing that you will give me a chance. I feel good knowing you see me for what I am, not what they say I am. I feel good when you send me cute songs to tell me how much you care, because you don't know how I'll react if you tell it to me face up.

I want you to know that I like you so much. I want it to be us. Us two against the universe. I want you to know that each time I go to bed a picture of your face is stuck in my mind. I want you to know that when I'm playing with the kids or watching tv or packing for the move you're in my mind all of the time. I want you to know that right now – you are the reason I'm staying up til 4 in the morning.

I think I'm falling in love with you. It feels good.

I know a year is a long time and that's crazy. But I have a good feeling about you. I hope you feel the same. Stay safe over there.  

 

To my ex

It's done. It's been done for a few months now. How did it end? If I recall correctly it was me realizing you just didn’t care about me. No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough and I finally figured out that there was nothing I could do. After that, you thought you would get your revenge by claiming you liked someone else, some dumb girl you barely knew, but who I know is so much like me, it’s twisted. Well your plan worked. It broke my heart. Even though I had wanted to end it, knowing you weren’t with me even while we were still together killed me. I was shattered into a million little pieces, and thought there was nothing in the world that could put me back together.

But something did. It was my new found self confidence. When I realized I deserved so much better than you, the pieces very slowly began to reassemble. And then I began noticing. That more and more guys would smile at me, try to talk to me, give me compliments. That made the pieces come together more quickly. The best part about it was, I never needed to get revenge in order to become whole again. Hurting you wouldn't make me feel any better, because I simply didn't care about you anymore. You broke my heart, made me feel like shit, and then did it again. Now all I see are those wasted months with you, the time spent waiting for you to show you cared.

 

So now I'm putting that last piece back together. I've found someone who cares, a man who embodies all the qualities I dreamed of as a little girl, before you and the others hurt me. And I am falling in love with him every day. And there is no doubt in my mind that you are completely gone. I don't ever think about you when I'm with him. There are no lingering thoughts about us in my head, about "what could have been". This isn't one of those stories where I realized I've always still loved you. No. In fact, I don't know if I ever loved you, because now that I know what true love is, I know what I felt when I was with you sure as hell wasn't this.

So in a sense my happiness is my sweet little revenge.

lovely wish

These words come from deep within me,
Confessing my heart's most sacred truth
Inside I feel the ocean, so deep and mysterious
With undercurrents of emotions never truly revealed
Ever since you entered my world,
I feel my heart speed up endlessly
This is such a terrifying dream, a beautiful adventure
A lovely wish whispered into my ear with a sigh
I must confess, this I did not expect.
I couldn't have believed, only in my dreams
Just you and me together, holding your hand
Feels like the world is empty, we're the last one's left
All is quiet and abandoned, but for us right here
I can hear a pin drop and the beating of our hearts
Each breath we take makes thunderous sounds
You are here with me and I think it's good
I want to say something, but you're my only fear
Cross my heart and hope to die, I swear it's not a lie.
I don't need a hero, I'm not looking to be saved.
This is just my silent plee, my demanding secret hunger
Tell me the words I'm starved to hear
the ones that speak of your truest desire
Let your words be the music and dance with me
Just hold me, move me, spin me, free me
Confess your heart of hearts and share your dreams
This sun is so blinding, eternally shining
And here we stand, side by side,
As I patiently wait for
A lovely wish whispered into my ear with a sigh.

I am so compelled by you

You have to be the smartest man I've met so far. And you have to be the most understanding, caring, compassionate man I've ever known. How is it I found you without really looking. I'm crazy about you... I can't wait until we learn more about each other and hopefully, we'll fall madly, completely, insanely in love with each other.

Yes, to anything...

I've never been so sure of anything. It's like, I've finally come to understand the difference between dread and fear, and those nervous butterflies that everyone keeps talking about. You want to know how I know? Because when I'm with you, I feel those butterflies fluttering around inside of me. But they don't make me want to run the other direction, like the fear has done before. If anything, they make me want to press myself as close as I can to you- skin to skin, heartbeat to heartbeat, because when I do that, the butterflies quiet their wings for a bit and they let me feel you. Feel all of you. And it's in those moments that I realize that the fear I feel is only surface level. It's the kind of fear you feel right before you turn on a bright light after hours of being in the dark- just a few seconds before you open your eyes to see something so beautiful, something you couldn't see before. For the first time in my life, I don't want to run away. I want to be with you, I want all of you. And I'm going to miss you. A year is a very long time but I'm ready. I am ready to fall in love with you. 

I really sort of maybe kinda like you

It's been amazing. Don't leave.

here he comes

I'm about to pick him up from the air port. OMG!!! I'm so nervous. I hope he's everything I've dreamed of. And I hope I'm everything he's been hoping for.