I moved to Louisiana almost a year ago, to get away from my past and to welcome my future and to wait on my Soldier. I had been living in NY at this time last year, hating where I was, hating my mother (for many reasons, but for one very important one, she threatened to kill me by holding a shotgun aimed at my face), hating the cold and the snow and the lack of happiness to be found there. I needed to get myself and my children away from her. At the time, Steve was deployed and I was back in my family's town trying to figure out my life. It wasn't my hometown, I was a Military Brat and because of that, I never really had a hometown. (Although, I do call Jersey my home state.) He had come to NY on his R&R from Afghanistan and hated that place as much as I did and told me that he wanted me to move to Louisiana and get away from the bad stuff that kept me so unhappy. So in early March or April (honestly, I forgot exactly when I moved because it doesn't really matter), I moved to Louisiana with the kids to wait for our hero to come home. I met new people and fell in love with this state for what it offered me: Freedom from my family (mainly my mother), a home to set up and a future with my Soldier.
Since moving here, Steve came home in August of 2011, he and I got married. I met his family, wonderful friends and fell in love with the local foods (Cajun and Creole are amazing dishes). I miss things from the other places I've lived but at the same time, I love the small-town America vibe this place has. And soon, we will move to another place that I've never been, we will be surrounded by new people, living in Army housing on post (since it will only be for a year) and we will be celebrating our One year married, and our three years together in Missouri. Lily will start Kindergarten and Jax will be in preschool. I'm thinking of heading back to school for a Psychology degree and taking advantage of my father's GI Bill (as is my right as a survivor).
To move, however, we have to sell our house, make it appear perfect (which adds to so much of my stress), finish my dental things, and finish packing things that clutter our home (aka all the stuff that I won't be needing until at least May). There is nothing easy about PCSing. The thing that makes me grateful, though, is that I won't have to think too much about my in-laws and their misunderstanding and their lack of knowledge about my faith (which is our biggest obstacle in my relationship with them).
I really don't know how to deal with them. All I know is that my religion is misunderstood by them and I probably am misunderstanding their own, except I have asked my husband questions concerning their faith and found myself confused. Don't get me wrong, I know the Catholic church has some issues and possibly some corruption. I know that we have what people would consider "False Idols" in Saints (which, fyi, we don't worship, we simply pray to them in our time of need, we acknowledge their legacies and pray that they will guide us. However, I still accept Jesus (even if sometimes I question things too much) in my heart, and always have. I believe that God has so much to do with six billion (or is it seven billion now?) on earth and he delegates to the Angels and the Saints to help His people. But I also believe that other faiths are probably just as right and wrong as my own, that there are many paths into Saint Peter's Gates, that there are many different faiths that have lessons worthy of learning. I don't believe that any church could possibly have all the answers, nor does the Bible, but I do believe that it holds valuable information and lessons that I hang on to with my heart. I don't know all the answers, but I do know that there are good people who aren't Christian and there are bad people who are. I don't believe in a cruel God who would send good people to hell just because they are born into a faith or chose to believe in a certain faith that is contrary to the Christian way. Just as I do not believe that God would allow bad people into Heaven, who are neither deserving or repentant.
Some of my favorite parts of being catholic are confession, mass, communion and traditions. I love how you can go into any Catholic church in the entire world and the feeling inside is always the same, and for me, it means home, family and something divine. There is usually the same smell too, a mix of perfumes, the unscented candles that burn, the incense that burns purification, and the holy water always feels the same, cool to the touch yet warms on your heart and head as you cross yourself. I have a cross my father brought me back from Italy that was blessed by the Pope and I have my rosary that I've had for so long, a bracelet with pearls and the crucified Christ. I remember the lessons from Sunday School and Summer camp. I remember my first Communion and my confirmation.
I won't make my kids become Catholic though. I don't think I want my decedents entering my church, however I don't want them in my in-law's church either. It honestly terrified me to be there. I saw judgement where in my own, I saw love. I heard the sermon and found myself confused because it was of not judging others while judging them at the same time. I don't want my children being raised to believe that judging anyone, without a real cause is wrong. For example, you can judge a pedophile because he is a monster, not a human being but you cannot judge a young Muslim girl just because of her faith. The Pedophile prays on children, destroying their innocence and taking away the path their lives should have gone. The Muslim child has harmed no one and her only fault is by being born into a Muslim family.
The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, est pater, est filius, et spiritus sanceti. That is the Holy Trinity. That is what I believe in. Let me explain. I believe that God is the Father, he is my Heavenly Father as my Dad was my Earthly one. He created me (whether or not evolution was involved, which I believe is part of the "Seven Days" it took for God to create the Earth, pardon me, I consider science as well as the Bible for the beginnings of the human race) and everything else on Earth, past and present. Jesus, the Son, died for my sins and is my Savior, he has repented for me (although I also repent for my own sins, through confessions). And the Holy Spirit is that part of your soul that is drawn to the Heavens, the part that allows you to do Good and to make peace in the world. If you are good and try to be a good person and devote yourself to your own faith, the Holy Spirit inside you connects you to God and Jesus, but if you are bad and remorseless about your faith, then your Holy Spirit is replaced by a void inside. Now, don't misunderstand me, I don't know if this is what all Catholics believe (there have been so many branches break off and bend to the wills of the people, but this is what my Priest as a child explained to me). I don't believe my friends who are atheist or even agnostic are bad people, and I don't believe they'll go to Hell unless they die with a Hate in their heart that is incurable, however none of my friends, not even the ones with Anti-Christian tattoos are headed for hell. Not that I know of anyways. If they are, then most likely I'll follow them, as we agree on so much of life and only disagree where God is concerned, although we don't talk about our differences of faith. It's unimportant to our friendship and the love that we share.
I think I started to ramble. I didn't mean to but I just can't seem to explain myself right. Not on here, nor to his family. I can't explain how hard it is for me because Faith has never been a big issue in my life. I've had friends in so many different ones, but they all carried values that mattered to me: Loyalty, Courage, Honor, Integrity, Self-less Service, Duty and Respect. I don't care what others believe, and I doubt God would be that Hateful to people who carry these values at the core of themselves. Anyways, my in-laws disagree with most of what I've said before, which is basically what I wrote above. They don't understand how I can't see how "lost" I am, and I don't understand why they would think that. But when two different worlds meet, you can't help but have misunderstandings. I only pray that one day, we will be able to sit down and find ourselves looking past those differences, because as one human to another, from myself to you still reading, I don't think it matters nearly as much as we think it does.
Anyways, it's now 340 and I just spent an hour releasing thoughts from my worried mind. I wish I could talk to my in-laws like I can talk to my friends or even the "Moms" that have adopted me as part of their family. It would be nice to talk to my mother-in-law about kids or her son and how proud I am of him and how wonderful a man she raised. Maybe one day it will happen....
Good Night again.
Love,
Always and Forever,
Leah
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