deep thoughts

I have cut ties to some people in my life recently that would like to blame me and call me names, insulting me while trying to get me to open my life up to them again. I refuse to drink a glass of wine with the capsules of poison showing. I have far more in my life than I have ever had. I have a wonderful man, who makes certain that I feel safe and like I don’t have to be alone against the world. He just so happens to be a hero to me in every single way. I know that he is more important to my life than the negative.

Thoughts flow through my head as I try to see the similiarities between myself and them. I know we share so many qualities: We love.  We hate.  We feel torn.  We live. We laugh. We cry.  We hurt… both others and ourselves.  We learn.  We laugh some more. We cry harder.  We scream louder, and then we whisper softer.  We feel ambivalence, and abundance.  We love more.  We hate more. We get to know passion like the back of our hands, and then like any flaming romance it eventually dulls, even bores.  Then we’re faced with the choice:

Do we seek something greater, higher, deeper, and more extravagant? Or are we content with what we have, what we know?

When it comes to emotional roller coasters, I’ve had my share.  And I’ve decided that I’m content and do not need to know a deeper meaning.  I do not need to express my anger over days of insult, childish, dramatic, totally dysfunctional behaviour.  And I don’t wish to associate with those who have reached adulthood and still feel the need.  I love through and true, and I have chosen to love those who matter to me and whom I matter to. I will never be disloyal to someone who has given me nothing but love, when far too many have shown they are no one to turn to.

Life is not easy.  Nor is love.  We learn to communicate effectively to get the responses we need… Or, as the battle of the fittest works we keep losing – over and over again.

I won’t lose anymore sleep over this. I won’t miss her for what she was to me. I’ll only miss the woman she never was. I’ve ended all ties with my mother because she does not love me and no matter how much I wish she would be, she’ll never care about me more than she cares about herself. She won’t love my children with the grandmotherly affections and sweet treats. She hasn’t yet. I can’t put myself through that anymore.

And with him at my side (no matter how far away), I’ve learned that family is supposed to be something of love. My father always loved me, I know that. I have felt the great loss of love, he loved me enough for both my parents. My life is always going to ache for his love, my heart still feels the loss so greatly when I allow myself a moment to think about it. I will always miss him.

Steve allows me to be me. He doesn’t make me think that I am any less than worthy and I could not be more certain that he is my life and love. Why should I live with the pain of someone who will never be offering a hand at the price of a leg when I can have someone that will offer a warm embrace at the cost of a kiss?

Never again will I drink the poisoned wine, never again will I fight a battle with someone who is childish and selfish. For the rest of my life, I want happiness. I’m old enough to realize that life is short, I want mine to be full of happiness and worthy challenges to accomplish.