So I just wrote a blog for my ex's fiance. We had a big blow up between us early last year. It seems strange to me now, considering where my life has gone. I went from struggling every day to being so happy and comfortable and having all my dreams come true. I hate to admit this, but my part in everything that went down was not a small one but I am grateful for how I can look at that past mistake as it is... a past mistake.
I am, however, sad that today is the 2nd anniversary of my father's death. Today brings back memories of the day he died. I think the reason I clung so hard to my ex after our break up was how he was to me that day and the horrible days that followed. I had a broken heart due to my father's death and I couldn't see past the darkness except for the comfort I had to cling to. I miss my father, with all my heart but honestly, my father's death meant my life had to change... and it has. Not only did I find my true love but I found my life's purpose, my goal in life. I am a wonderful mother, whose kids are growing into kind, respectful, polite and playful kids. They are happy, healthy and now have a man who is so much like my father, it sometimes takes my breath away. I, now, have what I'd always wanted and never dreamed of... a soon-to-be husband who loves me completely, who laughs with me, who holds me while I cry, who wants my life to be more about joy and less about surviving. I am marrying someone above the caliber I thought I could. I am marrying a Captain, I am part of the world I felt most at home with again, I am blessed with a comfortable home, plenty of food in my fridge and freezer, room for my children to grow, a community I understand and appreciate. I am truly happy. Truly in love.
This morning, I broke down and cried. Steve was at PT when I woke up and the day... what today is... hit me. I curled up on the couch and cried. When he came home to change, he sat next to me, pulled me into his arms and just held me while I cried. He only let go when I was ready. He kissed me and told me that my father would be proud of me, and then he whispered that he loved me and couldn't wait until I become his wife. I know how blessed my life has become.
Today also held something joyous. My wedding dress arrived. It's the most beautiful gown I have ever owned and probably will. My wedding will be the most wonderful day of my life, not counting the day I had Lily or the day I had Jax, or the days I have Steve's children, which we have planned to start trying for in a year. It is my joy that I can have a big family, a beautiful wedding, and spend the rest of my life with the man I have always wished for but never believed existed.
So, I am not angry anymore. I have moved forward and I am happy. I am in love, I am a million adjectives to describe perfect joy but words aren't enough. What is enough is the knowledge that my life is worth it, that our lives together are worth it, that my children will always be loved and cared for and comfortable. They do not want for anything, they are spoiled with more toys than they need, more clothes than they need, and have more love than I ever imagined they would, after all my mistakes. We go to church, we eat meals together as a family, we smile and laugh... we read stories before bed, we play together, we do things as a family.
And most importantly, we will always have that.
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Daddy, I miss you still, I always will. You were my first hero and always will be.
Rest in Peace, always loved, forever remembered, endlessly missed.
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Steve, I can't wait to become your wife. Only 15 days!!!! I love you, for now and forever!!! xoxox
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Crystal, be happy, be in love, have the life you want. I hope you do. :)
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Love always,
Leah
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