Well this weekend has been interesting to say the least. Steve and I finally managed to have a decent talk and it only took him blowing up over the smallest thing.
I know we love each other and I know we are both stressed out and worried about everything that has been going on, each for our own reasons. The thing is, we don't fight. I know that sounds made up but for us, it's really true. I think we've had two or maybe three fights in our entire two years together. We have disagreed and one of us has been mad at the other but we've never really had a fight that results in me crying because he's a jerk... but this weekend we did and although we made up, the fact that we have fought at all hurts and makes me question how people bounce back from that first serious fight. How do you pretend that the person you love didn't say all those awful things? How do you pretend that you didn't hear them, that they didn't cut your heart?
You see, we're different when we get mad or are stressed. I talk about everything. I make sure that my feelings are known unless I'm not sure, then I think about it until I am and let people know after. Steve is different. He holds it in until he starts saying things that cut little by little. And I, often let the little comments go, but when he blows up... like he did, I first fight back and then when I'm on the verge of saying something I don't mean, saying something hurtful, I stop myself. I walk away until I've cooled down. Now whether or not he meant what he said, which I don't believe he did, the words are still stuck in my head... the argument was unfair and he was actually mean.
Part of why I fell in love with Steve, part of why I married him is how we have always been able to talk things out before we fight. In fact, before this, I would say he was entirely incapable of fighting or saying mean things, but now I know that's not true. Now I know he forces himself not to. I love him, with all my heart and I've never loved someone more than I love him. But today, it made me realize that I married a man who does share some qualities I hated in others, but the key to me still loving him as much as I always have was also realizing that he doesn't want to be like that and 99.9% of the time, he's not, but today that .1% came out and reared it's very ugly head.
Steve and I ended up talking about it after, once he realized he was wrong and that all the things he said were unfair, unwarrented and uncalled for. He apologized and told me he loved me and that he would try to let me in before he got to that point again. A part of me still wonders how he even got there. I have known for a while that he was stressed out and try as I might to get him to talk, he just wouldn't. I begged him to talk to me on Saturday night and he finally said some things and while they hurt me, I was relieved because he was talking. I knew he was exhausted so I made him finish what he was doing for the house and sent him to bed while I stayed up and deep cleaned the majority of the house.
Sunday morning, I woke up to him being mad and overwhelmed. The only thing I hadn't managed to get done was the dishes but that's because I'd taken a long hot shower at about 3am and was exhausted and couldn't finish. I'd cleaned the livingroom and the kitchen, including under the stove and the laundry room in addition to doing most of the laundry in the house, I'd left the dishes to be done in the morning, right before we showed the house since everything else was done, the kids rooms had been cleaned during the day and our room has been clean for a while (surprise!) so I figured one quick thing in the morning, no big deal. Well, he blew up and said hurtful things, mostly about how I didn't do what I was supposed to do and that he shouldn't have gone to bed because clearly I needed his help along with a few other things. I finally told him all that I did and he said "I'm sorry but..." For me, that means I'm not sorry because... I went outside and ignored him as I cried. I got dressed and made sure the kids beds were made before we had to leave the house (we had a house showing at 1130).
I really didn't talk to him until after we'd gone to the park with the kids and Beau (who is doing better by the way, very happy and healthy). I had taken my camera and took pictures of the kids and him and Beau. Halfway through we sat down and just talked. He apologized for going off on me, saying that he realized how he was wrong and that he was thankful for all I got done. I told him I needed him to talk to me before he did something like that again because I'm just as stressed out and I don't want to be mad at him, he's my best friend.
The day got better from there. We put Beau in the back of the truck and got the kids in and went and got Crawfish and Shrimp for lunch. It was good. After we ate lunch, it stormed bad and flooded our backyard, luckily that drains into the street so it wasn't bad. We all took a nap and relaxed. Dinner came and went and I fell asleep really early causing me to be awake at 1am and now it's 4am.
We have the movers coming in 4 1/2 hours, I have my follow-up dental appointment (thank God, the pain is worse than before) and then the kids have to get shots (oh that'll be fun). Beau and Luna (who are fortunately getting along now) have their vet appointments on Wednesday morning. Beau is getting dewormed (we've noticed they haven't gone away yet) along with his shots and Luna is getting her shots and scheduled for a neutering. Both are getting microchipped. Thursday, Lily has dance class, which I'm glad for, because she loves it.
There's only 22 days until we leave, but the good news is that the people looking at the house seemed to like it and we're hoping for an offer this week. Wish us luck. That'll make my husband alot less stressed and will make my life so much easier.
Anyways, I should try for a couple more hours of sleep. Hopefully, Steve and I are back to good terms, if I could only get what he said out of my head, because I know he's sorry but I know myself and once the words are there, once they resemble ghosts of boyfriends past, I tend to keep them and how they hurt me to myself. I know he doesn't read my blog because he says he doesn't have to, but sometimes I wish he would, because when weakness strikes I find myself more comfortable to telling strangers than I do telling the one person I love more than anything how he has hurt me.
Anyways, I'm out.
22 more days.
No comments:
Post a Comment