Stressed out

I keep wondering what to write... What is it that I could say that would help my mind shut down... I can't even come up with an answer. You see, we are PCSing and that leaves my mind going over the lists of things we have to do (clean the whole house, sell the house, pack the house, move, find a place for my cat to stay until we find a house, find something to do over the 22 days between here and there, find a way to entertain my kids with no furniture, keep the disagreements to a minimum between my husband and myself, etc). Moving is so stressful normally but when you add the Army on top of it, sometimes I think I'm ready to blow a gasket.

My husband works with some great guys but one of his superiors is kind of bad at his job. He gives out assignments that make little to no sense and my husband rarely has anything nice to say in private (since this blog is public, I won't use names or even say what he says because it might be obvious). It's hard to be the encouraging wife when I also have things going on that he leaves to me to take care of.

When he works from six to six, I am dealing with both children, the cat, calls to places that he asked me to call, cleaning, packing, organizing, planning things that have to be done and it's ok because that's what I signed up for when I signed our marriage certificate but at the same time, it's exhausting and I know that he doesn't understand why sometimes I snap at him or sometimes I just sit in silence and don't say a word to him. It's not because I'm mad at him, but it is because I am stressed and he doesn't necessarily handle my stress the way I'd hope. I love him with all my heart and he is the best guy in the world, but he is a guy and guys don't get the whole stress thing.

A. When a girl gets stressed out, two things can happen, either her cycle can come quicker or it can be delayed. ... In my case, it comes faster, so I deal with PMS on an already shortened cycle (I'm a 24 days between normally) and have to try to remain calm even though my hormones are going crazy.

and

B. The stress a woman puts on herself, as a mother, as a wife, as the person who takes care of the house and the day-to-day errands and tasks, as a woman in general is always high. Women tend to aim to achieve and I'm not different there. I want to be successful in all I do, so having too many things happening where I can't devote all of my attention to the main tasks and am instead sharing that attention with too many diversions is difficult and makes me disappointed with myself. And my husband couldn't possibly understand that.

You see, we are a happy couple and have a good life, but part of that is the efforts I put forth to provide a stable and loving home that gives my family good feelings and a safe, comfort zone. In public, I am direct, to the point and polite to everyone. In private, I get the things done that need to be and am playful with my kids and my husband. But lately the playing is minimized and that's hard for me. It's also hard that when I put out my list of things to do for the day, I only manage to get about half of what I planned to do done.

I don't like struggling to accomplish things. I'm not good with it. I am a survivor and I've fought hard to be the person I am with the experiences that I've had. And failing myself... it's worse than failing anyone else.

I guess, I need sleep and I need a break. I just don't know when that break will happen because I'm too busy and have no time to accomplish what I have to anyways.

Anyways, off to get some rest. Another busy day of tasks and meetings is about to hit me... hard.

Love,
Leah