Happy Independence Day 2010

You did. I used to be different. Braver, smarter, funnier. I used to be different. Sadder. Angrier. Bitter. I had my heart broken and then you listened to my heart, you listened to my dreams and all my endless ramblings. I'm kinda thinking there might be something here. I can't wait to meet you for real.

June 24th, 2010

Today, I miss my Dad. I look at his flag and I wish it was him instead. Days like these, when I realize just how long it's been I get sad.





I remember before the war. I remember before the fighting started, before I started losing people I knew. I was 11 when 9-11 happened. My dad was in Special Ops. My life was forever changed...



I almost wish I didn't remember the peace. I have spent so long worried and waiting for news from far away. I have witnessed the injured coming home and buried the dead with a heavy heart. I have always known the sacrifice and the cost that had to be paid so we could be as safe as possible. And now, almost 9 years later, I'm still waiting for them to come home. Still waiting for the time when I can go to sleep and not send a little prayer to the heavens to watch out for all those that are there, all those that serve. I am still waiting for the peace of mind I haven't had since I was a little girl.



Nine long years. I still remember being Interviewed by the callous reporters at the front gates of base. Asking me how I felt, how the war affected me, what my views are. How they could ask a young girl of only 13 those questions, when her father was somewhere classified, gone for however long he was gone, always wondering when he'd be home. I hated the news then and I still do. It causes me such pain to watch the names and faces appear on my tv screen. The ones that will never come home, the ones I knew, the ones I didn't.

It doesn't help having the memories or experiences I have, nor does it help to know that so many friends I knew are gone and there are still more that serve, more joining daily. I write letters to them, I pray for them, I miss them. I hope tomorrow feels better but today I'm sad and missing the peace that I used to have. The kind of peace that existed before these wars. The kind of peace that, for me, only existed briefly. Two years between the abuse of one life and the wars of another. Two years where I was a child... Today, I miss that peace, the kind of comfort I had.

 

Today, most of all, I miss my dad. I look at his flag, place my hand upon the stiching of a star, trace the outline, line up his rack, even though it never moves, delicately touch his rank and the airforce seal. I stare at his name and think of his face, his smile, him in uniform, him in his Blues... All those memories bring tears to my eyes and I lean it, kiss the flag that was given to me to honour his service, and lay my cheek against the firmly folded fabric and a tear rolls from my eyes. I miss him so very much and long for his hug, when I laid my head on his chest and his big, strong arms would wrap around me. I miss his hugs and the flag just doesn't hug me back. My tears fall into it. I'm not crying for him, I know he's in Heaven. I'm crying for me. For the hole he left behind.

 

I miss the peace, the kind I had before the war. At Ruby Tuesdays, with my Dad and my Mom and everything was fine and safe.

Hey, Soldier I like

Memorial Day, Saturday May 29, 2010

War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of... being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself

It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived. - General George S. Patton

I will always place the mission first. I will never accept defeat. I will never quit. I will never leave a fallen comrade.  I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills. I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.  I am an expert and I am a professional.

God Have Mercy on my enemies, because I won't ~ General George S. Patton

You showed me how I was supposed to Live then you showed me how to die ~ Toby Keith

It's hard missing my Daddy. A weekend full of condolences and kind words. Here's some of the sweetest.

If I'm even a sliver of the man your father was, I'll be a hell of a man.~ A Gunner in Iraq

I am keeping you in my thoughts, have your picture tucked in my pocket over my heart. I've got to go to work. Hooah!~ An Army Medic in Hemland Afghanistan

This weekend will never be about parties for you. It will always be sad, but just know that I have you in my prayers and that this weekend will always remind me of what you lost. Your Dad was a hero. ~A vet. Army Sgt in the states.

I am honoured to know you and wish you strength in carrying through a loss such as yours. You are in our thoughts here this weekend. A toast or ten will be made in your honor. ~A Vet Marine in the states.

and my personal favorite, the double edged sword.

I only met your dad a few times, he scared the hell out of me most of the time, but I always think about how much he loved you and how much he loved our Country... I know you miss him, he was your Daddy, how could you not? Just know I'm here, if you need to talk. I miss you, kiddo. ~ My childhood friend and current soldier in the Army deployed in Iraq.

I don't want to pretend this weekend is easy... But the outpouring of love, from so many that are in Warzones, so many that care... I'm touched and honoured by every word they say. My heart is broken but it's healing a little more every day, all because of those strong and Brave men, who fight for us everyday.

It's Memorial Day weekend. 7 months since my Dad's been gone, since he died in Service to the USAF. This weekend is meant to remember him... To remember what others like him have sacrificed for the security of all of us. whether we choose to accept it or not.


I keep crying. The truth is right now all I could use is a fucking hug. I could use my friend back, but I'm afraid to ask for his help, for anything, because I know his girlfriend would think I was trying something. but the truth is, he was there when I found out, and there's no one that could possibly know how badly it hurt me to lose him, how I instantly felt the most terrible pain of my life in that moment. And even though it's been months, maybe it's just the day...or rather what this weekend means. Memorial Day... To remember those that died during their service... But really, it just feels like the world is haunting me, like the pain is so deep within, sometimes, like right now, when I can't do anything but cry.

bits of my poetry

I wrote this a long time ago... long before it truly meant anything to me.

But suddenly, as I look through the cardboard box which lies all my complete and incomplete works of writing. This is something I had writtten before in different stanzas different little bits of paper where a single line would happen and nothing would fit.



Here's the original pieces:

And she closed her eyes just to remember but the feeling was gone, she realized at that moment, her life meant now than it had ever meant before.

She felt herself dangling upon a string, hanging so high above him, looking around she wondered if all she saw was all there really was.

Another life, another time, it would have been perfect

The tragedy I face, the sad forgotten truth is that I never said to you what I always meant to.

He thinks he's gone forgotten alone and thriving merely.

This is what those turned into

And she closed her eyes to remember, but the feeling was gone.

she felt herself dangling upon a string, hanging so high above him

Wondering to herself if all she saw was all there really was

Another life, another time, it might have been perfect

but at that moment she realized how much more her life meant

than it had ever had meant before, when he was hers.

The tragedy she faces, the sad forgotten truth

Is that she never said what she always meant to.

But now she's almost forgotten and not so alone

And her soul is not merely surviving, no, it's striving

Sometimes I'm worried that

perfect

Sunrise
Sunset
I bet
One minute before
One minute after
It all looks the same
Bright gold and purple
With a slight touch of blue
In the sky
In me
In you.

You think she's better than me?

She is so not better than me. She's just a disease. I thought you were worth loving and I was wrong. Any girl who falls for you should be warned. You are capable of destroying a girl's soul and heart with words of encouragement and actions of love followed by silence and neglect.

Smiles

smiles are hard to fight when you feel special to someone

and tonight you made me feel special to you

thank you for the smiles, you never fail to inspire

the confidence you fill me with, and the sound of your laugh

the way I feel so comfortable and melt into your slight accent

I hope you always inspire this feeling of overwhelming smiles

the way you make me laugh, the way you make me dream

I sing these country songs and dream of you dancing with me

all the little messages pass between us, like notes back in school,

little jokes and private laughs only made for us two

this smile is just firmly on my face, inspired only by you

you are a hero and I am awed

I hope that this will be good, maybe this will be love

maybe this is all like luck, go all in to find it

I am a foolish girl to feel like this

But I'd rather be a fool than the girl who never tried...

and until I have to stop, I'll be smiling at every note passed,

at every conversation, the sound of your voice, laugh, smile

I'm not angry anymore

I have let go of his ghost. He no longer haunts me. I am ready for a fresh start. Maybe with that Soldier who seems really amazing and smart. He's an officer which is rare for me but I think, maybe, there's potential. At least I hope to hell there is potential. He seems pretty awesome so far. We just started talking but we'll see.

he doesn't deserve me.

i know that that's what everyone's been telling me for months, and ive known it was true. but now i feel it. i feel it in my heart that i am too good for him. he wasn't any good for me. he hurt me, he rejected me, he made the corners of my soul cave in. he made me happy for such a short time, and even then it was full of ups and downs. and i deserve better than that. i deserve a boy that loves me, that truly knows me fully and completely and is in love with every bit of me. i deserve a guy that always wants to be with me and will do anything for me. i deserve a man who makes me happy.

and i believe he exists. i believe now that someday, i will find my perfect match. i haven't been optimistic in months. i've spent so much time alone, dwelling on him, on the one that broke my heart. and i haven't been able to see that this isn't the end. i'm young, i have the rest of my life ahead of me. one day, i will find that person and we will fall crazily and madly in love. he exists. and it's okay if i don't find him anytime soon. i'm not going to go out there and search for him. because you know what? i do believe in soulmates. i believe that everyone has someone made just for them. and today, today i felt that hope inside of me. that i will find my soulmate. and that this guy, this stupid guy that broke me is not him. so why am i wasting my life crying over him? from now on, i'm just going to let go. i know i won't completely get over him right away, but i'm not going to spend any more time sitting at home when i could be living my life. i'm letting go of him because i don't need him.

i'm going to live. i'm going to have a love for life. and i'm going to be happy.

....

No magic mirror or sequined mask could hide us from our inner selves,
we don't need a long gaze to know who we are,
a quick glimpse with a blind eye could render a million confessions...
it's what we choose to let in which will ultimately let us out,
it's how we choose which causes the effect
and right now no one wants an easier life than I.
And I remember, I remember everything,
the happy, the sad, the vacant, the highs,
the lows, and the laughter no matter what the cause.
And I miss it, probably more than I should,
because it was such a warm white spot in my life,
like the eye of a hurricane
or that comfortable silent moment after my memories fade
and before my nightmares begin.
Somewhere in there I found it and I've been longing for it ever since.
But the world revolves, life evolves, hearts resolve, everything is changing.
And through this ever shifting series of events
we find ourselves in need of pause and reflection.
Sometimes it can be good
and sometimes the face staring back at us is more than we can bare.
In time this will all pass,
in time this will all be nothing more
than a dusty memory sitting upon an aging shelf
in someone's senescent mind,
in time it will crumble
like the remnants of a decaying photograph and we won't have to look at it anymore.
Scars won't heal if we pick them,
and recollections won't fade if we keep remembering them.

Never again

Never again will I allow my brain to be mislead by my heart. I made a mistake with you. You tried to destroy me and you nearly did. The worst part, I let you.

how to change a life

I don't want to know how to save a life
I want to know how to change a life
What it takes to make a life
Not just procreation
But something real and full of life
Full of laughter, full of joy
And fillwed with delight.
A positive mind and living right
Despite the hype
of possessions and vanity
The selfish might
get too caught up in the glitter
to notice the truthful light
that shines so bright
it puts an end to night
I suggest you make virtue your plight
and carry on with clarity in sight
That maybe you'll see
that this world is capable
of peace love and unity.

love

The gray clouds
couldn't hide a light like this
A light house
couldn't shine bright like this
A mirror
couldn't reflect clear like this
Because it couldn't
detect the detail of a love like this
Look once
Look again, twise more
Get caught up inthe gaze
Let your eyes explore
Touch with your mind
Let your feelings run the course
And rejoice
Let your soul be lifted
On the wings of doves in a flock
my heart goes with it
The flight of the gifted
All the reason to attempt it

Tick-tock

Tick-tock, the clock keeps ticking,

a split-second and the world is empty,

among the broken mirrors and shattered glass,

here isn't a safe place to stand,

looking around this world isn't the one I want to see.

Standing still watching the buildings burn,

this ash is raining on me.

I'm not afraid, the worst is over,

but the battle has just begun to rage around me.

I don't care if this world is destroyed,

I want to help destroy it,

as long as you can't be there to hurt me

or make me watch your obscene version of morality,

I'll gladly watch this world burn.

I'll take my turn and I'll choose my weapon.

Line up the shot, my gaze is long,

my aim is steel

and this bullet will knock you off your feet.

You won't be here tomorrow, not if I kill you today.

Don't fear, I'll make it quick.

You won't have to watch the cities crumble under my rage,

I promise you the sleep of the dead then.

Tick-tock, your heart beats, split second, the world is empty

how old would i be if I never knew my age?

Gazing into my reflection, I wonder,
How old would I be if I never knew my age?
Have all these experiences made me older?
Has all the heartbreak made me colder?
Or do my dreams keep me young?
Do my hopes keep me warm?
My twisted journey through the weeds
Tangled up and scratched and nicked
I never managed to keep the trail
I’m so far from where I started,
So different from what I knew,
Now I’m somewhere completely new
With no ties to anyone, no roots to anywhere
A gradually sudden ending precedes
A new beginning, a fresh chance to try again
Inside I feel the fears and doubts eating me within
I take a deep breath to gather strength
And courage to start anew.
Looking in the mirror I wonder
How old would I be if I never knew my age?

pain....

I can't stop this feeling, so alone with no distraction
All I have is what's inside, these dark black waves that wash over me
My tears run down my cheeks, like razor blades in my heart
I thought I was invincible once, now I know I'm not
I'm vulnerable, it seems impossible I ever felt I was strong enough
And I'm the one to blame, I cry, shaken by this pain
I just want to crawl inside my bed and throw away this life I had
Nothing ever seems to change, nothing takes this pain away from me
I'm broken, empty, abandoned, why am I so alone?
I'm half alive, but half dead, I could go either way
I don't know how I became like this, it's getting harder to breathe
I should have known it wasn't real before, I believed all the lies called promises
I'm trying so hard not to give into the void, the abyss that calls my name
I would give my whole life for a moment of peace, just five minutes of love
I used to know how to live, now I can't remember what came before
All these lies have torn me apart, I can't believe anything that seems like hope
The ghosts from my past, their voices still haunt me, I can't forget
All their words still taunt me, everything they said about me imbedded in my head
I want to run and hide from this cold I feel inside
I don't know what to do, I can't believe in a love that's true
Maybe I'm just jaded and can't distinguish after all I've been through
They broke me down, messed me up, toyed with my mind, left me here to die
I don't know where I stand, if I'm even standing at all.
All these memories confound me, I don't know how to cope
So here I am, alone again, in this night under these stars
Light me on fire and let me burn until I'm gone, anything to get over this.

end to another maybe love

I feel like I am made of glass. And at any moment, all my pieces could shatter and break. It's always easier to blame other people isn't it? It would be easy to say that he did this to me, that he became such a part of my soul, that his departure from my life sent me spiraling out of control. And maybe to an extent that's true. There's no doubt that I gave my heart to a boy who ran so far away with it that I'm not sure it will ever really come back. But to put all that blame on him would be naive, and I would never want to flatter him in that way. The truth is, I was broken before he came barreling into my life. And now that he's gone, I'm just one step closer to shattering. My problem isn't making someone else fall in love with me, it's falling in love with myself. I've struggled for years to be happy with who I am, and I made the mistake of letting someone else try to make me happy, make me more alive. But how can I fault someone for falling out of love with me, when I have never even loved myself?