Late night ramblings

I am lucky and I know it. I never thought I was lucky before. Not until he came into my life, six months after I lost the greatest man I'd ever known. When I met him, my life began to slowly change. I was always excited to get a call or an email or text. Then summer came and with it came new hope and joy and sadly, deployment also. He left and my life went through a series of changes that left me with complete uncertainty until the new year but through it all, he supported me, cheered me on, gave me hope and made me laugh and feel special. I fell in love with him during that time because he was my constant and no one had been that before. Not like him. He encouraged me to apply for school and start learning from home while I raise my children, so I could be better capable of caring for my family in the future. He accepts my creativity and unique thoughts and may even find me funny at times. He never makes demands. I was so blessed the day I met him, even though I didn't realize it quite yet. I knew he was something special from the beginning. I remember confessing to a friend that there was potential there. I remember wishing he would be mine, that something about me would impress him, that he would want me and be proud to be mine. Then one day, I was granted my wish and ever since, I've been at a loss of what to do. I'm afraid to question too much and I'm afraid that he'll wake up one day and realize that I'm not right. He's never been anything but supportive and when he's making a point, he is always logical and reasonable. I worry because other voices haunt me. I've only been supported in the way he supports me by two other people and they had to love me because they were my Dad and Grandpa. He chooses to be with me and it seems unimaginable that I could survive losing him. Somehow a perfect stranger can transform your life into something beautiful. Somehow, he can be vital to your very happiness. Hearing his voice is the most relieving sound in the world. Just knowing he's ok helps so much. Knowing that he thought about me and called me makes me feel certain. It's the quiet lonely nights when I miss him most that my mind rushes off into the dark forest of my mind, filled with trees of branching, twisted thought. The fears come to surface and the darkness surrounding me invites the darkness to come out. I worry about failing myself, failing my kids, failing him. I worry so many worries and it becomes a battle to fight them off. But I read old letters or emails, I listen to voice mails on my machine. I watch funny shows or movies and I laugh about something I think of. I focus my mind on my studies. When the fears rush in, I must extinguish them. I plan to succeed in everything I do. I plan to raise two well-behaved children with good manners. I plan to do well in my academic career. I plan to be a faithful and loving girlfriend to my amazing hero. I plan to be a true and loyal friend and a kind and decent sister. I intend to live my life up to the ideals that I believe the classic women of strength carried. Eleanor Roosevelt was one of my idols, as are several other distinguished ladies: Nancy Reagan and Laura Bush, to name two. I also believe in being creative and smart and having a voice but I love home values. I always pictured that being a mom meant that I would raise my own kids, getting them involved with things. And for most of my kids lives, I've somehow managed to be one. It's not always been perfect and I'm not an expert mom, but I do my best and I love my kids more than anything. I'm blessed and I'm lucky because for once, I am not a nervous wreck about every little thing. I'm happy. I'm warm. My kids are happy, my kids are smiling and talking and are experiencing new things that they love. I'd only be happier if he were home. That would be the cherry-on-top, the icing-on-the-cake. <3 I love him and it's the most frighteningly amazing thing in the world. And I'm the luckiest girl in the world, because most only dream of meeting their hero and somehow, I have a future with mine